RE: May Not Be Cut Out For This, After All...Jealousy (Full Version)

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sweetnurseBBW -> RE: May Not Be Cut Out For This, After All...Jealousy (7/29/2007 7:19:07 AM)

Jealousy is a sign of insecurity. You have to deal with realize what you are insecure about or it will ruin your relationship. Why not enjoy his experience and make it fun instead of looking at it as a negative. You would be hard pressed to find someone in this lifestyle who has never been with anyone else, vanilla or otherwise. Tell him you don't want to her about his previous experiences with women. Tell him how it makes you feel and deal with your insecurity about it. Relationships have been ruined over alot less. This will be a constant issue in future relationships if you don't deal with it now.



rollinonward05 -> RE: May Not Be Cut Out For This, After All...Jealousy (7/29/2007 7:20:17 AM)

quote:

Personally, I'd rather be with a dom who has some experience...and if my fantasy or whatever is impractical, he'll tell me why.


This is so right , imo too. I am happy Master has had subs and slaves before me. Why?  Because it helped him grow into the Master he is today. He has learned more and more with every person ( and their help ) he has owned or played with . He is the one I can trust with my life whether he is using a crop or knives on me. And if he chooses to share with me some of those experiences well I am proud of the fact he feels he can confide in me in this way.
rollin



CutieMouse -> RE: May Not Be Cut Out For This, After All...Jealousy (7/29/2007 7:24:23 AM)

Good Lord, woman! *He* didn't rob you of your fantasy; *you* robbed yourself of the fantasy. Just as your ex didn't rob you of the ability to enjoy a movie - you did.

Obviously, you know that the need to be "first" is already there if your ex watching a movie at a friend's house ruined the movie for you, yet you seem unable/unwilling to do something so simple as to say "Ya know, I appreciate all your experience, but it tarnishes the magic of what we do together, to know any details/hear about former experiences, so could you please keep all those thoughtful reassurances that you've done this before to yourself? I trust you to know what you're doing." ... of course then the next thing will be that you know he's done XYZ before, even though he never mentioned it, so you'll end up insecure that you aren't measuring up to some unspoken memory of 15 years ago...




SusanofO -> RE: May Not Be Cut Out For This, After All...Jealousy (7/29/2007 7:25:54 AM)

Well he sounds like he'd be open to hearing about it too, regardless of where it's all coming from - so that's a good thing.

Since she hasn't mentioned it to him, (yet) and he sounds like he wants to make things work, and she realizes there is a problem, there is hope things will maybe work out, if they can work on it together.

- Susan



BDsbabygirl -> RE: May Not Be Cut Out For This, After All...Jealousy (7/29/2007 7:29:06 AM)

julietsierra, you are correct that I don't like my own hair, eyes, or post-children body. But what in the world does THAT have to do with anything? I hated these things when I was married to my soon-to-be ex who still wants me and it didn't affect a thing. What's wrong with wanting to look like you want to?
 
I don't care if I look like I know less, have done less, etc. In actuality, I've probably had more sex and done more people than he's THOUGHT to do. He knows I don't have experience and loves me, anyway. For that, I love him.
 
I never lied about submitting; he knew upfront that I've always been vanilla. He also knows that as a vanilla woman, I was into "spoiling" my man and he's just brought it out of me even more. I ENJOY thinking of his desires. I constantly think of things I can do to make him happy. If he's happy, so am I. Conversely, if he's not, neither am I...and for the record, he told me early on that he'd be willing to go vanilla for me, so great is his love for me. He still says we can go vanilla if I decide I don't like this. If I truly felt that way, I'd take him up on his offer because I know he means it and would still be happy because he is with me.
 
And I am responsible for my own life. My ex was addicted to drugs and I had to be head-of-household, mom, dad, everything and everybody. In fact, I most struggle with submission because I'm so used to having to be in charge. He also knows this about me and loves me still. And for that, I love him.
 
I am not at all manipulating anything. I have given up control of so much to be with him and have asked him for nothing.
 
My Dom has experienced sooo much in his life that I couldn't begin to know anything about. He's had multiple businesses, for instance, and I don't give a hoot that I don't know anything about them. In fact, I love hearing him talk about the things he's done, places he's been, and so on. It thrills me to know that this worldly man is my Dom.
 
You need to shut your booth down because you have me all wrong; I value myself and know exactly what he has to love me for; I'm so talented in many things, highly intelligent, caring and considerate, corny and funny as all-get-out, cute as a button (despite the hair and eyes), I have a zany way with words, the list goes on...
 
Plain and simple, this is ONLY about my fantasy ruined. How can I enjoy it, knowing that we're not discovering it together for the first time? This has no effect on other things I KNOW he's done time and again, ONLY THIS! He's clothespinned nipples before (something I'd never before done), flogged before (ditto), etc before (ditto) and I don't mind.



rollinonward05 -> RE: May Not Be Cut Out For This, After All...Jealousy (7/29/2007 7:30:41 AM)

quote:

If her Dom just changed doing one little thing (mentioning past BDSM experience with other women, and that would only be a minor inconveniece on his part) - then this entire problem might disappear.

Susan , That would be ok but.. If she thought she could get him her Dominant to change this one little thing what is next. Maybe nothing this might just work. or it could open  avenues for her to attempt to change him even more.
As was said more than once she needs to take a good hard look at herself , her feelings, emotions etc etc. And decide if this Dom/sub is what she is really looking for. Or not
To the Op , hey everyone here has had their own experiences and many of us have gone through the emotions and fear you are now going through. We understand. Personally for me , it has brought to my mind the number of times I was a pain in Masters ass when these kind of things hit me.  Master and I got through it but it took time, patience and more than a few adjustments on both our parts. This is not a easy road but I do envy you. You are beginning your journey and have a lot of wonderful ( yeah and not so wonderful ) things to experience with your Dom. If that is the road you chose to follow.
Best of luck
rollin



domiguy -> RE: May Not Be Cut Out For This, After All...Jealousy (7/29/2007 7:32:29 AM)

Maybe the guy is a tad bit turdish....But in reality when you are pushing age 40 or beyond or even much younger...It is naive to think that people do not have a past....But the key word here is "past."

Now it would piss me off if someone was always comparing me to someone else....I would be gone like a fart in the wind.

I will mention past relationships or events only if it has context to the conversation....Not to try to make someone feel like they are not living up to some previous standard.

If the guy is rubbing your face in it then leave....If he is just simply recounting a story, well then you have to decide is it done in a tactful manner.  If it is simply a matter of jealously then it comes down to you dealing with your own demons and insecurities.



BeingChewsie -> RE: May Not Be Cut Out For This, After All...Jealousy (7/29/2007 7:37:34 AM)

Using quick reply:

I belong to a very experienced man. We joke only half kiddingly that I am the 1 billionth being served. He gets around and always has. He doesn't compare me to other women. He doesn't compare them to me or if he does he doesn't tell me. I love his experience level, he knows women, knows how we think, finds most of what I do, say and think predictable and lets me know it.

Things are "new" the first time we do them because he has never done them with me, it is *me* he is focused on in those moments, not the other women he has done similiar with.

I think you need to take some time to see how this really is a benefit to you not a drawback.



mistoferin -> RE: May Not Be Cut Out For This, After All...Jealousy (7/29/2007 7:38:47 AM)

To the OP. My suggestion to you is that you read this thread over and over until it clicks with you that the issues that you have are your own. He and his past are not the cause. You are living a lie and torturing yourself with crap that shouldn't matter to you even a little. You have some major self esteem issues going on. Jealousy is an emotion that is born of insecurity....and until you get to the root of that insecurity you will never successfully conquer your jealousy. If you love this man as you say you do, the details of his past that made him who he is today should be welcomed information. None of that information should be threatening to you.

If you value "newness" to the point of being upset because someone saw a movie prior to watching it with you, and especially to the point of distance with your children because they weren't your first born....I'd would suggest to you that this issue is at a level that needs to be addressed in a serious manner. I would encourage you to seek a professional who can help you get to the root of it. It's not going to get better on it's own, it's not going to get better by ignoring it, covering it up or stuffing it down.



SusanofO -> RE: May Not Be Cut Out For This, After All...Jealousy (7/29/2007 7:41:50 AM)

rollin: I dunno, like I said, that kind of talk about the past is a sore spot for me - I am sensitive when people compare me to someone else (I do realize that is not what he probably thought he was doing to her. If he doesn't know it bugs her, how could he ever change it? ). 

I do differentiate between someone who is just discussing past history as a way to open themsleves up in a "get to know me" kind of conversation, and someone who is bringing that kind of talk up for "comparative purposes". Since we weren't privvy to the interaction, it is hard to tell which it was.

But I guess I now tend to give her Dom the benefit of the doubt, since she has since described him as a basically well-intentioned sort of person who wants to make the relationship work.

I also tend to think of this kind of thing as a personality tendency, more than a negotiated BDSM actvity (unless one is dealing with an emotional Sadist, and comparisons to past subs we are talking about). If he has always done this (or that is how she is interpreting it), and it bugs her, it's not (to me anyway) in the same class of "activity"as say, doing bondage or spanking, or even altering slight bits of someone's persona.

Because it's just "everyday conversation" we are talking about him doing. This is this guy's personality. I am not sure how much of that can be "negotiated" away. I tend to think you either just have to ask someone to specifically  "not do that" (on second thought, I guess that is negotiation),  or adjust to it, and decide it doesn't bother you that much.  

In any case, it doesn't sound to me like anything they have negotiated as part of their relationship. He isn't aware  (at all, sounds like) that she is bothered by it. - Susan



mistoferin -> RE: May Not Be Cut Out For This, After All...Jealousy (7/29/2007 7:42:06 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: CutieMouse
... of course then the next thing will be that you know he's done XYZ before, even though he never mentioned it, so you'll end up insecure that you aren't measuring up to some unspoken memory of 15 years ago...


That is exactly what will happen until she addresses her insecurity issues.



BDsbabygirl -> RE: May Not Be Cut Out For This, After All...Jealousy (7/29/2007 7:44:03 AM)

*sigh* Why must people always think there's a deeper reason that what there really is? I love myself to the point that I've been told I'm haughty and high on myself and several times a week, I look in the mirror and think of how lucky he is to have me. Low self-esteem is certainly not an issue, here. It has NOTHING to do with being compared for I know I measure up; he and every other man I've ever been with have always told me how I am the best girl they've ever been with. In fact, three of my exes still carry high torches for me and would propose to me if I were free. I KNOW this to be true, for one guy still has the engagement ring he bought me before we broke up...and for the record, I have NEVER been broken up with, either. Why? Because I'm too good a catch and guys know it so they don't wanna let me go! One guy hasn't even had a girlfriend since me and we broke up over 10 years ago. Yeah, I definitely have my sh-- goin' on and I know it...
 
I also know that what I post is exactly what I mean. No need to look deeper, for hidden reasons or causes.



rollinonward05 -> RE: May Not Be Cut Out For This, After All...Jealousy (7/29/2007 7:51:36 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: julietsierra

well, this has been interesting. However, after sleeping, then catching up on all of everything everyone has written, here's a new thought.

**She can't stand her own hair.
**she doesn't like her own eyes.
**she doesn't like appearing as if she knows less, has done less, etc than someone else - whether that's watching a movie or fucking/whatever in a car
**she lied about the whole "I submit" thing, doing so only because she wanted him, not because she desired or even contemplated bdsm prior to this relationship, even though she does like kinky sex
** she needs the important people in her lives upholding her facade - doing what SHE says so that she doesn't have to actually take responsibility for her own life.

It's not about him at all. It's about her not liking herself at all and using him to hide that fact from herself.
"Oh woe is me, he wants me to give up wigs, he should give up something too!!"
Never mind the fact that he likes/loves HER - not just the facade of her she's showing to the world

A line my Master is fond of upon hearing of situations like this: "he asked her if she'd give her right arm for him. She said yes. Now he's asking for that arm and she's suddenly figured out he's serious. This isn't about submission anymore. This is about her trying to figure out just how much of that arm she can save while still keeping him."

Manipulation, pure and simple - cloaked in a poor poor pitiful me attempt.

And all cause she ultimately dislikes herself so can't figure out why he would really like her. Since she can't figure that out, then "hey, let's not work at improving ourselves. Let's just MAKE the dominant play the hide from myself game. And if he doesn't, then isn't he just the meanest, inconsiderate bastard out there!"

This has nothing to do with an inconsiderate or too talkative dominant and everything to do with a woman doing everything she can to avoid dealing with herself.

And in answer to the title of the thread... you just may be absolutely correct.

juliet

*closing my psychiatry booth - that'll be 5 cents please.*

juliet



Thank you juliet. This was very well put and has even given me things to think about in regards to my own submission and surrender to Master. Even after being owned by him for over 5 years I still have much to learn.
rollin



mistoferin -> RE: May Not Be Cut Out For This, After All...Jealousy (7/29/2007 7:53:25 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: BDsbabygirl
*sigh* Why must people always think there's a deeper reason that what there really is?


Because whether you wish to see it or not, jealousy can NOT exist without insecurity.



Mercnbeth -> RE: May Not Be Cut Out For This, After All...Jealousy (7/29/2007 7:55:14 AM)

Were you always aware that you'd be jealous of a person's prior relationships? If so you set yourself up for failure, and would always be set up for failure until you resolved this issue. I would think it would be easy to resolve this. Consider, assuming these relationships are in the past and over, that you are jealous of failure.

Whatever activity, event, or intimacy you are contemplating that was "ruined" by him being truthful about his experience; represented something you do within a relationship - not the relationship itself. Putting your problem in a vanilla context it would be as if you would be jealous of everyone else that may have given him a blow job, or had sex with him. To avoid your jealously you would have to seek only virgins. Why is that any different than whatever activity that you referenced in this quote?

quote:

We were talking about it and he said we'd have to make plans for it. I was getting good and wet when he told me about one other time he'd done it. Fucked me right on up. I dried up quicker than and now that's the LAST thing I want to do. It's no longer a fantasy for me, just a ruined image of what could've been. I texted him that I don't want to do it.
However, I didn't read this as "jealousy". This speaks of being in control - not jealousy, especially the last, "I don't want to do it", part. Short of the Orwellian 'Ministry of Truth' rewriting the past - it will always exist, not only with this man but with any person you come into contact.

You can't control the past. Jealousy of the past is condemned to fail because it can never be "fixed". Jealousy of past, and failed, relationships is just....well, to be kind, kinda peculiar.

It's always been my position that jealousy is a function of insecurity, whether it's pointed to people or possessions. You have to be happy with who/what you are. In a relationship you either trust or feel jealous when someone pays them attention. No outside source and no outside influence should effect that trust, and nothing in the past, present, or future merits jealousy.



bandit25 -> RE: May Not Be Cut Out For This, After All...Jealousy (7/29/2007 7:55:56 AM)

You did NOT just say he's lucky to have you.  Well, then girl you are WAY too good for this guy.  Dump him and find a man worthy of you.

Oh yeah, and let me know how that works out for you.  I am so done with this thread.



SusanofO -> RE: May Not Be Cut Out For This, After All...Jealousy (7/29/2007 7:57:30 AM)

It's clear to me from reading this thread that people have different levels of sensitivity re: Hearing about a partner's past relationships - which I consider totally normal, as everyone is different. That some people can tolerate X, Y, or Z better than others is not something I find surprising, really, I guess.

The OP mentioned she thinks her Dom cares for her, and hopefully, if she discusses  her concerns, he will listen. But I wouldn't keep silent and expect him to know that she finds such remarks hurtful - because he seems well-intentioned (from what she has said) and he won't know she has hard time with it - unless she brings it up. And even then, it will still take some new awareness to realize that he isn't meaning to purposely hurt her with his remarks (unless he is, which I am now pretty doubtful he is, although it's possible).Good luck to the OP.

- Susan  



BDsbabygirl -> RE: May Not Be Cut Out For This, After All...Jealousy (7/29/2007 7:58:16 AM)

And as for putting up a facade for the world, nothing could be farther from the truth; everyone who knows me knows what my hair looks like, knows my true eye color, knows my true personality; I've never believed in hiding behind a mask and couldn't do it if I wanted to...
 
Somebody posted here about it can be wonderful for my Dom in that he gets to watch me discover and learn new things, that he can enjoy seeing the amazement in my eyes; no one blinked at that post. So why is it so bad for me to want to see the same things in his eyes as we discover something new together? 



velvetears -> RE: May Not Be Cut Out For This, After All...Jealousy (7/29/2007 7:58:46 AM)

FR

Maybe you just hit the nail on the head babygirl. You have been so confident, proud, in control (of the men anyway - emotionally) you had the edge in the vanilla world and now you find yourself on an alien planet and maybe you don't feel you have, as you say, "your shit going on" as much and it makes you feel vulnerable for the first time?  

All i can say is, what many women wouldn't do to be in your shoes, if in fact he is as wonderful to you and as caring and loving as you say he is, with experience to boot!  He's not comparing you to others, he's not denying you anything, he's not dictating to you what you need to be doing - he wants to satisfy YOUR fantasies and just because he's done it before with someone else you sour on the idea????  

You need to talk to him about these things.  Everyone has offered advice and each time it is countered with....but you don't really understand i am really xyz.. not abc, you all have it all wrong about me. Maybe we all do.  i personally think it's unfair to him that he's so willing to satisfy your needs and fantasies and you don't even really appreciate what you have with him and instead of being grateful you come here to whine about it.  Just come out and tell him, no other way around it - he deserves your honesty.   By denying yourself, you deny him. 

Just one more thought - if you love him and he loves you as much as you have stated have you considered that maybe you won't be so lucky next time around - if there will even be a next time around?  Would you honestly rather sit around alone than deal with the fact that your not the first to do something with him. Honestly when stacked up against everything it seems rather inconsequential to me, something to be dealt with but not this big deal problem you are making it out to be. 



SirDominic -> RE: May Not Be Cut Out For This, After All...Jealousy (7/29/2007 8:04:30 AM)

quote:

Why would a man with any class keep discussing his past girlfriends with you? Even if it is a D/s relationship?


Haven't had a chance to read the whole thread, but I agree with Susan. In my age group a gentleman doesn't kiss and tell. Previous relationships are just that. The past. History. I would never even think about telling a new sub that I had done this or that with one of my earlier ones. This was considered simple etiquette at one time, but is apparently no longer the case.

That being said, I do agree with others that the OP has a personality disorder over this jealousy issue. Do you really think that everything someone does with you he never did before? Or is it just that ignorance is bliss? What about the honesty question. So many harp about wanting an honest relationship, then get all bent out of shape when they hear a truth they don't like. So which is it going to be? Ignorance or honesty.

Jealousy is one of the most useless of all emotions (guilt is the other one). If someone knows they are a very jealous person, get help. There are many good books. If necessary seek therapy. Believe me, your life will be 1,000% happier.

Namaste, Sir Dominic



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