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SexyRed -> RE: May Not Be Cut Out For This, After All...Jealousy (7/29/2007 10:50:31 AM)
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ORIGINAL: mistoferin
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ORIGINAL: SexyRed
Those of you who are submissive, should be ashamed of yourselves for advising the OP to NOT care about her feelings, to get help, to examine her issues, blah blah blah.
While I didn't tell the OP to NOT care about her feelings (nor did I see anyone else do that) I am not going to feel ashamed of myself for telling someone who has obvious issues to examine her issues and get help.
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Guess what guys? At a certain age, we all have baggage if we have lived at all. In BDSM as well as vanilla, we all have had lots of partners. No matter how confident and accomplished and fabulous we are, we all have insecurities and jealousies. It is normal.
Yup, you're right, if we have ever lived a life we have baggage, sometimes that baggage is insecurity and jealousy. What is NOT normal is when that insecurity and jealousy is at a level that is so far out of control that it threatens to undermine our current relationships or stops us from entering into them.
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What is not normal, is to shove experience or other women down someone's throat, especially when it comes to sexual behavior. The most secure men and women in the world will still experience some sort of sexual jealousy when they are really into someone. It is not a sign that the OP or anyone else is damaged or needs help.
Where did the OP say anything about her Dom shoving his experience of other women down her throat? What she actually said was that he actually does not mention exes that much. I've heard very little of his past. In regards to the incident that led to the OP, he said that he had done that before and they shouldn't do it in the winter because when he did it, it was too cold. That isn't exactly shoving it down someone's throat.
And no, not everyone experiences sexual jealousy. I know that I certainly don't.
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It is unseemly to share every freaking detail of who you fucked, beat, gotten beaten by, etc. I don't care what you say, that type of honesty is not the type of positive communication honesty one needs in a budding relationship; that is the type of sharing that can only hurt the other person.
Not only is it not viewed as "unseemly" by some....it is desired. The type of sharing that can ONLY hurt the other person? I think not, I know in my own experience that type of sharing has created new, amazing and wonderfully fulfilling opportunities and fondly remembered moments.[:)]
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But to bludgeon someone every time they discuss a fantasy with, Oh I did that already with my hot ex, is not very productive, is it?
I didn't see where any such thing was said to have been done.
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Another point: everyone you are with is going to be a first, with them. So with that said, give the OP a break and acknowledge that perhaps her Dom is a moron who has no finesse of the sublte psyche of a woman and who wants to manipulate her into feeling less worthy so she appreciates him more.
A "Dom is a moron who has no finesse of the sublte psyche of a woman and who wants to manipulate her into feeling less worthy so she appreciates him more" ??? Would this be the same Dom that she said "constantly tells me about how he'd given up on ever finding anyone who truly melds with him, has told me that his other subs claimed to know it all and have so much experience but I beat them all hands down even though I am new -- asked me tonite if I was sure I hadn't done this before! *LOL*, tells me that he has never met anyone who anywhere near approaches my uniqueness and specialness, tells me he loves me unlike he has ever loved before and in fact thought possible...so, he does build me up a lot. I believe every word he says and it brings great joy to my heart." The one she is completely in sync with? The one she has been talking about like he is the greatest thing since sliced white bread....other than the fact that he didn't live his life in a bubble prior to meeting her?
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You know, I read this entire thread
Did you, I mean really?
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and I am sick of the bullshit replies that the OP got.
Actually, I think that she got some very good, constructive, from the heart advice.
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You people crack me up, truly.
Well, glad we could bring you a bit of humor.
erin, I have no time to respond to everything you said and I respect being able to disagree with you and anyone else.
but I still maintain that my points are valid and while I am all for giving advice, I try to do so from both sides of the spectrum, I don't filter everything through my own experiential lens. I know sometimes we cannot help it, but it was my intention and I think I might have sounded sharper than I would have liked, to show both sides of a clearly, tough emotional issue that the OP and I am sure many, have.
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