RE: May Not Be Cut Out For This, After All...Jealousy

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SusanofO -> RE: May Not Be Cut Out For This, After All...Jealousy (7/29/2007 8:42:42 AM)
SirDominic: Fine vintage! I like that. I'll have to remember it. [:D]- Susan

daddysliloneds -> RE: May Not Be Cut Out For This, After All...Jealousy (7/29/2007 8:45:34 AM)
you know, i feel sorry for you, because in life, not just bdsm, d/s, or whatever, everyone isn't going to be a virgin in all the same things you are; and for you to get jealous that they aren't experiencing everything new with you is just too far-fetched for me to imagine.

LadyIce -> RE: May Not Be Cut Out For This, After All...Jealousy (7/29/2007 8:51:49 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: SusanofO Why would a man with any class keep discussing his past girlfriends with you? Even if it is a D/s relationship? Maybe I misunderstood the OP's original post on this thread, but I don't undertstand why he'd do that, unless he is a Sadist or something. Maybe it's just me, but I don't understand it, or think it's "necessary to do" or any such nonsense. It's a new relationship for him, too, isn't it? Can't he let go of the past, or something? I'd think he'd want to be a little more focussed on his current relationship. Maybe the OP does have "issues", but by the same token, it sounds to me like her Dom has a few "issues" of his own. It's possible I misunderstood what she was trying to convey, but if he is constantly discussing his old girlfriends, it would make me want to leave him and BDSM behind me maybe, too. - Susan Susan, this was my take on the situation also. Everyone is so quick to judge and assume SHE is the only one with the problem here. Interesting. If he made her feel special, and more comfortable, and stopped throwing past relationships in her face, maybe she would feel special, cherished and loved?

SeeksOnlyOne -> RE: May Not Be Cut Out For This, After All...Jealousy (7/29/2007 8:53:36 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: BDsbabygirl I just meant, in my OP, that when having those "getting to know you" conversations, I always the slightest, teeniest twinge, but it's certainly not anything I ever dwelt on or couldn't handle, doesn't cross my mind once the converse's over with. So, no, I'm not contradicting myself. Anyone have any comments to this? Or don't you wanna touch it cause there is no good reason? -- "Somebody posted here about it can be wonderful for my Dom in that he gets to watch me discover and learn new things, that he can enjoy seeing the amazement in my eyes; no one blinked at that post. So why is it so bad for me to want to see the same things in his eyes as we discover something new together?" it seems to me, the amazement can be in his eyes because its you, the one he chose to collar......if that isnt so in your way of seeing him, i , sadly, have to look deeper and wonder why you are with him.......you ARE new to him....and anything you do, together, for the first time, is special...... my 2 cents.... edited to add....i shoulda finished reading the thread before posting-i could have saved my font i see........this has been said time and time again.....

KnightofMists -> RE: May Not Be Cut Out For This, After All...Jealousy (7/29/2007 8:54:55 AM)
well... I read the OP.. and I read this subject line... Frankly.... it's not just a BDSM or D/s relationship you might not be cut out for. I suggest you are not cut out to have a Relationship! Not until you deal with some serious insecurity issues.

BDsbabygirl -> RE: May Not Be Cut Out For This, After All...Jealousy (7/29/2007 9:04:16 AM)
My goodness! I do NOT dwell on everything we do! I revel in it all and can't wait to see what he has up his sleeve next; true, I do not orgasm, but that's something else. And I do respect and love my Dom; I would never say anything to dis him and/or us! He knows this about me and loves me completely. Again, I make him happier than anyone else ever has. And he makes me happier than I've ever been, bar none. And I am soooo not trying to change him; in fact, I told him I'd rather leave than have him become something he's not and go vanilla for me. I love EVERYthing about him, except knowing when he's already done something that's a special fantasy of mine. I love our dynamic and wouldn't change it for a thing. We are so in sync it's crazy. You guys have it all wrong, so wrong. How you can get what you've gotten from me only wanting to do something with him that's new to him as well as me, I don't know.

mistoferin -> RE: May Not Be Cut Out For This, After All...Jealousy (7/29/2007 9:06:31 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: LadyIce Susan, this was my take on the situation also. Everyone is so quick to judge and assume SHE is the only one with the problem here. Interesting. If he made her feel special, and more comfortable, and stopped throwing past relationships in her face, maybe she would feel special, cherished and loved? How exactly is "yes, I've done that before" throwing past relationships in your face? From the OP: quote: he actually does not mention exes that much. I've heard very little of his past

feastie -> RE: May Not Be Cut Out For This, After All...Jealousy (7/29/2007 9:12:50 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: BDsbabygirl My goodness! I do NOT dwell on everything we do! I revel in it all and can't wait to see what he has up his sleeve next; true, I do not orgasm, but that's something else. And I do respect and love my Dom; I would never say anything to dis him and/or us! He knows this about me and loves me completely. Again, I make him happier than anyone else ever has. And he makes me happier than I've ever been, bar none. And I am soooo not trying to change him; in fact, I told him I'd rather leave than have him become something he's not and go vanilla for me. I love EVERYthing about him, except knowing when he's already done something that's a special fantasy of mine. I love our dynamic and wouldn't change it for a thing. We are so in sync it's crazy. You guys have it all wrong, so wrong. How you can get what you've gotten from me only wanting to do something with him that's new to him as well as me, I don't know. If everyone has it all wrong ... then perhaps you should read your OP with fresh eyes. It's your words which have created the thread as it stands.

MasterMataeo -> RE: May Not Be Cut Out For This, After All...Jealousy (7/29/2007 9:18:57 AM)
what has happened in the past is just that the PAST leave it there and be happy that you have what you have ,, and embrace the moment for that is all that you have at the moment,, don't worry about what your Master has done before,, be glad that he has the Exp and is willing to teach and share his EXP with you ,, for that helps build strong bond,, and think about ow you would feel if he didn't tell you and you found out after the fact,,, most of all remember the cornerstones,,, Communication, Honesty, Respect , and Trust MasterMataeo

velvetears -> RE: May Not Be Cut Out For This, After All...Jealousy (7/29/2007 9:20:32 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: BDsbabygirl But it also drives me mad with jealousy. I think a good deal of the reason I've been unable to orgasm with him is because I can't forget the others. This IS dwelling! I don't consciously remind myself that he's done this before but I think subconsciously I'm aware it isn't a first for him while it is for me and I just can't enjoy doing something he's experienced before. This is not reveling and waiting to see what he has up his sleeve next, this is pouting. I once touched on this in my Journal so he constantly tells me how much I mean to him and how this or that act has never effected him in such a way before, blah blah blah. While I'm grateful for his trying to help me feel better, it just doesn't work. This is dissing him in words, thought and actions. And now, tonight, he completely RUINED one of my fantasies! We were talking about it and he said we'd have to make plans for it. I was getting good and wet when he told me about one other time he'd done it. Fucked me right on up. I dried up quicker than and now that's the LAST thing I want to do. It's no longer a fantasy for me, just a ruined image of what could've been. I texted him that I don't want to do it after all but he hasn't responded because he's asleep. I know he'll question me and I really don't want to admit why I ceased to want it - seems so immature! - and what if he refuses to cancel doing it? I know I won't enjoy it at all because I'll have this image of him doing it with someone else before me. *This is not* being in sync, it is trying to control and wanting indeed to change him - something impossible to change - his past experiences! He didn't ruin anything, you did! Any advice would be appreciated because I an seriously considering doing something I never thought I'd do - leaving him. He's had too much experience for me to realistically think we can find stuff to do that's completely new for him and even if he stops telling me what he's done before, I'll be constantly wondering. Do him a favor and ask for release - if you really cannot overcome it and his love isn't enough then ending it is for the best. Wondering is after all an horrible fate to face.** The thought of parting ways pains me so greatly - I'm actually crying as I read this - but the thought of being constantly miserable because I know he's done it all doesn't feel so hot, either. hands you a tissue If your that miserable move on - let some other poor unfortunate soul have this over experienced dom to make them so miserable. In advance, thanks for anything you have to say...unless it's a reminder that he's with me now and is undoubtedly focused only on me, not on past subs. I know this mentally but it doesn't help my heart or my spirit. Nope and i doubt anything will. I know I should be talking about this with him but I don't see what good it would do; talking about it isn't gonna undo his past and I don't want to be on a never-ending quest for things he hasn't done, either. Yes it's hopeless... good luck with the next guy. i might suggest you try the 20 to 25 year range - better luck at them having no experience.

MollyBloom -> RE: May Not Be Cut Out For This, After All...Jealousy (7/29/2007 9:21:51 AM)
It seems to me that you are making things far more difficult than they need to be, you are creating rules for your scenes but have neglected to tell your Master this fact..do you think he is some kind of mind reader?? Stop pouting and speak with your Master, explain to him what you are feeling, if he is half the person you say he is then there will be no problems and you will be able to get this sorted out.. BTW people may be getting the idea that you are jealous of his past relationships because you said as much in your first post MollyB

domiguy -> RE: May Not Be Cut Out For This, After All...Jealousy (7/29/2007 9:26:10 AM)
Disregard what these dopes have been telling you....If you really have got it going on...It might just be high time to post a pic...Or maybe send a shot or twenty of them breastesses....Over to your pal Domiguy. I'm just saying...I feel you gurl...Come on, boo, send me them pics.

mistoferin -> RE: May Not Be Cut Out For This, After All...Jealousy (7/29/2007 9:29:48 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: BDsbabygirl true, I do not orgasm, but that's something else. quote: But it also drives me mad with jealousy. I think a good deal of the reason I've been unable to orgasm with him is because I can't forget the others. Well is it or isn't it something else?

spankmepink11 -> RE: May Not Be Cut Out For This, After All...Jealousy (7/29/2007 9:36:36 AM)
This thread is actually very timely for me. But for completely opposite reasons. As a single parent i purposefully avoided deep relationships with anyone, while my children were young, however, this did not stop me from fulfilling many fantasies. Now, i sometimes worry that a Dominant partner may not find me desirable because i did not wait for someone to fulfill those fantasies for me, but took matters into my own hands instead. I agree wholeheartedly with Juliette, Erin...and a few others. I would much rather benefit from my partners previous experience than sustain possible injury or unintended discomfort. And while i may not want to hear the specific details, i'm much happier , knowing i'm the passenger in the car of someone who has driving experience. OP....you are the only person who is ruining your fantasies because you choose to do so. And i personally think asking your partner to pretend he has never done the things that you consider a "fantasy" of yours, is a form of control and manipulation.. I suggest you spend more time working on your own issues than to ask him to deny his past experience, which...as others have pointed out...shaped the person you claim to be in love with.

salilus -> RE: May Not Be Cut Out For This, After All...Jealousy (7/29/2007 9:47:38 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: BDsbabygirl salilus, the past overall I can deal with (if uncomfortably and unhappily); I can't deal with losing a fantasy because he has already done it and so if we did it, he'd be familiar with the feel of a car during sex while I wouldn't be, he'd know how this bumper is better than that one and I wouldn't, it wouldn't surprise him to know that tires can get in the way but I'd have no idea, and so on...part of the pleasure is in discovering those things together Then, may I suggest dating a virgin. That way, you can train him yourself to do whatever it is you wish. Or, you can realise that you really are discovering those things together, since he's never been with you before and that you're the one who 'ruined your fantasy'... but, from the contents and direction of this thread, I think you might find the first option more suited to your needs.

SexyRed -> RE: May Not Be Cut Out For This, After All...Jealousy (7/29/2007 9:51:41 AM)
You know, I read this entire thread and I am sick of the bullshit replies that the OP got. You people crack me up, truly. Those who are in relationships are so smug, you cannot empathize at all with anything she says. Those of you who are submissive, should be ashamed of yourselves for advising the OP to NOT care about her feelings, to get help, to examine her issues, blah blah blah. Guess what guys? At a certain age, we all have baggage if we have lived at all. In BDSM as well as vanilla, we all have had lots of partners. No matter how confident and accomplished and fabulous we are, we all have insecurities and jealousies. It is normal. What is not normal, is to shove experience or other women down someone's throat, especially when it comes to sexual behavior. The most secure men and women in the world will still experience some sort of sexual jealousy when they are really into someone. It is not a sign that the OP or anyone else is damaged or needs help. It is unseemly to share every freaking detail of who you fucked, beat, gotten beaten by, etc. I don't care what you say, that type of honesty is not the type of positive communication honesty one needs in a budding relationship; that is the type of sharing that can only hurt the other person. It astounds me to read from so many other women here the snarky comments couched in advice to the OP. And OP, you are entitled as a woman, person and then a submissive to have all your needs met within the construct of a relationship. You have a right to feel jealous or insecure and to tell or not tell your partner about it. I would however, make it known that I do not appreciate hearing constant stories of past dalliances, initial converation indicating past wives, lovers and important people in a partner's life are all part and parcel of the getting to know phase. But to bludgeon someone every time they discuss a fantasy with, Oh I did that already with my hot ex, is not very productive, is it? And like someone else has stated earlier, it is not polite to kiss and tell, on anyone's part. Another point: everyone you are with is going to be a first, with them. So with that said, give the OP a break and acknowledge that perhaps her Dom is a moron who has no finesse of the sublte psyche of a woman and who wants to manipulate her into feeling less worthy so she appreciates him more.

ownedgirlie -> RE: May Not Be Cut Out For This, After All...Jealousy (7/29/2007 9:53:35 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: BDsbabygirl Somebody posted here about it can be wonderful for my Dom in that he gets to watch me discover and learn new things, that he can enjoy seeing the amazement in my eyes; no one blinked at that post. So why is it so bad for me to want to see the same things in his eyes as we discover something new together? That was me who posted it. And I already answered that question. You either didn't see it or you ignored it, but I said the following: "You are his present and that is new to him." "Why don't you ask him what things he has never done before and would like to do? Then perhaps you can incorporate those things into your play along with your own fantasies...maybe you can even merge the two." (That was countered by you by saying he has already done everything there is to do) "So the fact that what he is experiencing with you - the feelings he has - ARE new to him, don't have any merrit? The most important thing about a relationship - feelings for each other - are what he is experiencing for the first time with you. But because he's whacked someone else's ass, it doesnt matter?" (You didn’t answer that one) You have gone from “sacred fantasy” to “just a ruined fantasy.” You are saying it’s no big deal while saying you are thinking of leaving him over it. Whatever anyone tells you, and collectively there’s quite a bit of experience amongst us, you choose to counter with a new and improved version of your situation. So, I’ll just say good luck to you, and I hope it all works out.

mistoferin -> RE: May Not Be Cut Out For This, After All...Jealousy (7/29/2007 10:20:09 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: SexyRed Those of you who are submissive, should be ashamed of yourselves for advising the OP to NOT care about her feelings, to get help, to examine her issues, blah blah blah. While I didn't tell the OP to NOT care about her feelings (nor did I see anyone else do that) I am not going to feel ashamed of myself for telling someone who has obvious issues to examine her issues and get help. quote: Guess what guys? At a certain age, we all have baggage if we have lived at all. In BDSM as well as vanilla, we all have had lots of partners. No matter how confident and accomplished and fabulous we are, we all have insecurities and jealousies. It is normal. Yup, you're right, if we have ever lived a life we have baggage, sometimes that baggage is insecurity and jealousy. What is NOT normal is when that insecurity and jealousy is at a level that is so far out of control that it threatens to undermine our current relationships or stops us from entering into them. quote: What is not normal, is to shove experience or other women down someone's throat, especially when it comes to sexual behavior. The most secure men and women in the world will still experience some sort of sexual jealousy when they are really into someone. It is not a sign that the OP or anyone else is damaged or needs help. Where did the OP say anything about her Dom shoving his experience of other women down her throat? What she actually said was that he actually does not mention exes that much. I've heard very little of his past. In regards to the incident that led to the OP, he said that he had done that before and they shouldn't do it in the winter because when he did it, it was too cold. That isn't exactly shoving it down someone's throat. And no, not everyone experiences sexual jealousy. I know that I certainly don't. quote: It is unseemly to share every freaking detail of who you fucked, beat, gotten beaten by, etc. I don't care what you say, that type of honesty is not the type of positive communication honesty one needs in a budding relationship; that is the type of sharing that can only hurt the other person. Not only is it not viewed as "unseemly" by some....it is desired. The type of sharing that can ONLY hurt the other person? I think not, I know in my own experience that type of sharing has created new, amazing and wonderfully fulfilling opportunities and fondly remembered moments.[:)] quote: But to bludgeon someone every time they discuss a fantasy with, Oh I did that already with my hot ex, is not very productive, is it? I didn't see where any such thing was said to have been done. quote: Another point: everyone you are with is going to be a first, with them. So with that said, give the OP a break and acknowledge that perhaps her Dom is a moron who has no finesse of the sublte psyche of a woman and who wants to manipulate her into feeling less worthy so she appreciates him more. A "Dom is a moron who has no finesse of the sublte psyche of a woman and who wants to manipulate her into feeling less worthy so she appreciates him more" ??? Would this be the same Dom that she said "constantly tells me about how he'd given up on ever finding anyone who truly melds with him, has told me that his other subs claimed to know it all and have so much experience but I beat them all hands down even though I am new -- asked me tonite if I was sure I hadn't done this before! LOL, tells me that he has never met anyone who anywhere near approaches my uniqueness and specialness, tells me he loves me unlike he has ever loved before and in fact thought possible...so, he does build me up a lot. I believe every word he says and it brings great joy to my heart." The one she is completely in sync with? The one she has been talking about like he is the greatest thing since sliced white bread....other than the fact that he didn't live his life in a bubble prior to meeting her? quote: You know, I read this entire thread Did you, I mean really? quote: and I am sick of the bullshit replies that the OP got. Actually, I think that she got some very good, constructive, from the heart advice. quote: You people crack me up, truly. Well, glad we could bring you a bit of humor.

feastie -> RE: May Not Be Cut Out For This, After All...Jealousy (7/29/2007 10:24:13 AM)
Red, the vast majority of her OP was on her personal feelings of jealousy. One sentence and one sentence only mentioned her dominant relaying information about a past experience with someone other than the OP. She also noted that after she touched on this in her journal, that he has gone out of his way to reinforce his feelings for her to her. True, the guy might be a tad insensitive, and she may need to ask him not to mention past experiences. By and large, however, she has a major issue that needs to be addressed. Men are human and make mistakes too, but that doesn't make them the enemy. I don't think she finds her dominant to be her enemy either. I think her OP was written in the heat of the moment and after having a little time to cool down, she's crawfishing on most of what she said. However, I daresay that this is something that lives within her all of the time, otherwise, her OP wouldn't have been quite so virulent about the situation. I still maintain that she needs professional help and actually, it's something he can do and should do with her. Everyone needs a little handholding to get them through something now and then. I don't think she's been vilified by most of the posts, although there have been a couple that have been less than sensitive. I can't, however, blame her dominant for her whole problem. It is her problem.

velvetears -> RE: May Not Be Cut Out For This, After All...Jealousy (7/29/2007 10:33:43 AM)
She did not get BS replies - people gave her genuine advice and asked her real questions to which she replied with constant impossible situations and dilemmas. No one advised her to not care for her own feelings and i think she got a lot of sympathy. She kept changing the variables not everyone else - it was actually hard to keep up with her and frustrating. She claimed jealousy - then when asked about insecurities, said she had none and was actually overconfident in her reply stating she had men dropping to their knees for her - one was so smitten he was ruined forever more for anyone after her (he's still not over her 10 yrs later) - i would say that's rather smug not the responses she got. You are right on spot with - we all have baggage, insecurities, jealousies etc - but i would suggest the op listen to that part of your post the most. It's what people here have been trying to get across to her. These seem to be her issues, which in the end will ruin a wonderful relationship for her, how awful of us to try to prevent that by responding to her from our own pov. Her dom didn't shove the experiences down her throat - if you read closely when this was gently suggested by susan earlier in the thread, the op herself defended him. She can't have it both ways. Sharing details doesn't "only hurt a budding relationship" - it is wholly dependant on the two people engaged in that relationship - i for one would relish open talk from my dom about his past, and would hope that was reciprocated instead of "lets hide both our pasts so we can pretend they don't exist and never deal with uncomfortable emotions if they come up from what we discuss"[:'(] She is entitled to her feelings - all of them and more - she came her for help and i think everyone tried to help her. No one tried to take her feelings from her, they tried to make her see what she was feeling from a different persepctive in the hopes she could improve her situation. How you can come to the conclusion her dom is a moron is beyond my comprehension. He adores her, treats her well, wants to indulge HER fantasies, would go vanilla for her (did i miss anything?) and yet because she cannot deal with the fact that she's in new territory and not the first - he's the moron, not that she has any issues at all? Just one word - WOW.

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