May Not Be Cut Out For This, After All...Jealousy

May Not Be Cut Out For This, After All...Jealousy (Full Version)

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BDsbabygirl -> May Not Be Cut Out For This, After All...Jealousy (7/29/2007 1:02:08 AM)
Has anyone her suffered from jealousy? Not from someone who's around now but from previous lovers? ... You know how in the vanilla world (BDSM one, too?), when you get with someone new, you politely listen to them talk about exes but you don't enjoy the conversation cause it makes you jealous (or is it just me?). Usually, you're able to forget about it, remind yourself that they're with you now, and move on. This was always the case for me; stew for a while then move on. But I'm having sooo much trouble doing that now. My Dom has had a LOT of experience while I almost completely new to this. You would think it'd be the ideal situation since he's a grand teacher, something a new sub needs. And I do appreciate that. But it also drives me mad with jealousy. I think a good deal of the reason I've been unable to orgasm with him is because I can't forget the others. I don't consciously remind myself that he's done this before but I think subconsciously I'm aware it isn't a first for him while it is for me and I just can't enjoy doing something he's experienced before. I once touched on this in my Journal so he constantly tells me how much I mean to him and how this or that act has never effected him in such a way before, blah blah blah. While I'm grateful for his trying to help me feel better, it just doesn't work. And now, tonight, he completely RUINED one of my fantasies! We were talking about it and he said we'd have to make plans for it. I was getting good and wet when he told me about one other time he'd done it. Fucked me right on up. I dried up quicker than and now that's the LAST thing I want to do. It's no longer a fantasy for me, just a ruined image of what could've been. I texted him that I don't want to do it after all but he hasn't responded because he's asleep. I know he'll question me and I really don't want to admit why I ceased to want it - seems so immature! - and what if he refuses to cancel doing it? I know I won't enjoy it at all because I'll have this image of him doing it with someone else before me. Any advice would be appreciated because I an seriously considering doing something I never thought I'd do - leaving him. He's had too much experience for me to realistically think we can find stuff to do that's completely new for him and even if he stops telling me what he's done before, I'll be constantly wondering. The thought of parting ways pains me so greatly - I'm actually crying as I read this - but the thought of being constantly miserable because I know he's done it all doesn't feel so hot, either. In advance, thanks for anything you have to say...unless it's a reminder that he's with me now and is undoubtedly focused only on me, not on past subs. I know this mentally but it doesn't help my heart or my spirit. I know I should be talking about this with him but I don't see what good it would do; talking about it isn't gonna undo his past and I don't want to be on a never-ending quest for things he hasn't done, either.

chellekitty -> RE: May Not Be Cut Out For This, After All...Jealousy (7/29/2007 1:29:12 AM)
why does it matter what he's done with other girls? cause personally i can have 10 different people do the same exact senario with me and have 10 different experiences...so theres not this big need for that elusive completely new and original senario...we all have elements of what we have experienced in the past that influence what we do today...from not touching a hot stove to how we have sex... jealousy is never a primary emotion and to me this jealousy is rooted in insecurity and fear...if you are constantly thinking about what he did and how he did and so on and so forth, you will (already have) psych yourself out...and i know you don't want to hear it, but if he didn't want to be doing it with you, he probably wouldn't... now i am not gonna presume to have a clue as to whats going on in his head, so if you want to know you have to talk to him...person to person, cause right now it doesn't seem like you have enough trust in him and what he's doing to honestly submit...submission out of fear of something happening or not happening is not what most want, i don't think anyway... if you don't think you can do it, better to let him know now, rather than to drag this out in hopes of someday just forgetting it...he will either let you go or help you work through it...and if he did the former it would not be the end of the world... you have some serious thinking to do hon, but whatever you do, discuss it with him before you make a final decsion good luck chelle

BDsbabygirl -> RE: May Not Be Cut Out For This, After All...Jealousy (7/29/2007 1:40:23 AM)
chellekitty, I think (I don't even know for sure!) that the reason I treasure newness so much is because it just feels different, nevermind the fact that each experience is new with someone new or even with the same person... Perhaps an analogy will help. I am mother to three children. And giving birth was the most wondrous thing I have ever done! But the first birth is different to me because it was the first time I'd experienced it. It did not lessen the other births but it was *different* in a good way. Now, I'm not so far gone as to think it's "old hat" to him but I'm aware that latter experiences just intrinsically don't have the same, uh, impact (?) because by the second or third or fiftieth time it's no longer, uh, new. I'm sure we've all heard the phrases "Never as good as the first time" and "nothing like the first", right? Now, granted, he may feel differently about this but I can't help but project my feelings about it. I want some firsts, dammit! And I honestly don't think I'll be able to find a lifetime's worth...sighs

came4U -> RE: May Not Be Cut Out For This, After All...Jealousy (7/29/2007 1:50:36 AM)
D/s babygirl...I SOOOoOOooOO UNDERSTAND!! I have a hard time listening to experience these Doms have and then imagining them doing the same frukn thing to me..? grrr So if he spanked 10 other women, or flogged 15 other..I am just another to be spanked/flogged. I don't think it is necessarity jealousy, maybe it is mere insecurity that what does occur in D/s mode is not 'special'. For example, if you make him lasagna, you want it to be the BEST lasagna he ever tasted, right? If not, that lasagna is so disappointing to you that you want to flush it and wish you never made it?? haha I thought I was the only one who wakes up in the middle of the night sweating and screaming because he has 'done things to other women' and he wants to do those same things on meeeee arg grrrr. Honestly, I don't know how to get over it., so I cannot answer. Knowing me, I would have dumped him long ago lol. I would be endlessly bitter towards his past activity with 'others' and hard to rid of such thoughts. The only cure I have (for myself) is seeking only those with little experience (less subby mileage on a guy). I think only that would satisfy MY temper when it comes to this situation. yada yada at reminding you that 'yer sooo special' and he is with you so bla bla bla. I KNOW how you feel about those thoughts banging at your subconcious to the point that it makes you physically ill right? Wish I knew how to fix it. If I did, I wouldn't be here, I would have a Dominant and long gone LOL. Besides, I don't know how it is such a crime (for subs) to think this way either..it is no different than a guy who doesn't want a gal who hasn't had very many partners in general. Some guys prefer sluts, are indifferent to it or they refuse to be where too many have gone before. If I had my way, the only power I would have is to 'create a Dom' using a seed, water it, feed it and make it MY own lol. That is why I haven't had one. You chose to take one on, so you have to make the best of it now sweety. Make the best of it, ya never know, once you have experience gained from him you might (??)realize later if it doesn't work out that the if next Dominant does the same thing HE did to you (yet new guy never did it)....it is different and special. Good luck, tell me how it goes, soon. lol I tire of seeking because of this one problem also.

BDsbabygirl -> RE: May Not Be Cut Out For This, After All...Jealousy (7/29/2007 2:00:48 AM)
Thanx for your comments, came4U, you explained exactly how I feel so well... I only wish it was as simple as getting with a next-to-experienceless Dom that I could share new experiences with together, but I am already deeply and madly in love with this guy, which is probably what makes it so painful. Besides, I'm not submissive by nature (the exact opposite, in fact, I want some damn power, too!) so I know I would not go seeking another Dom. Just kind'a fell into this with him. Anyone else?

ownedgirlie -> RE: May Not Be Cut Out For This, After All...Jealousy (7/29/2007 2:00:49 AM)
Frankly I'd be more concerned about finding the things your Dom says to you to be "blah blah blah" more than I'd be concerned over whatever fears I am projecting at him. "Blah blah blah" is the most disrespectful way I feel a submissive can refer to her Dominant, and shows complete disregard and lack of gratitude to him in my opinion. He has chosen YOU. He is teaching YOU. He is caring enough to tell you how much he cares and wants you...and your response is basically "Yeah, whatever." I'd give that some thought. Meanwhile, you are having all these fears based on what you have decided he wants, which very possibly have nothing to do with what he has actually said he wants. You are deciding for him that he can't be happy with you. You don't trust his word that he is happy with you. You are deciding he should have and want something different. It appears as though you are trying to manage this relationship all over the place, rather than trusting in what he tells you and calming yourself down and enjoying what he is giving you. Maybe the newness for you is where he is finding his delight. Maybe he finds joy in watching your eyes fill with wonder and discovery as he brings you to new areas of yourself. But your response is "blah blah blah" and "Maybe I should leave him because he's done this before." It's a new relationship for you - I don't know how long you have known or submitted to him, or what you asked and discussed prior to receiving his collar, but I see you have had his collar less than a week. Did you talk about this stuff first? If not, I'd suggest you do, post haste, and get it all out in the open. At that point, you have to decide you either trust what he is telling you or you do not. And if you do not, then you have some decisions to make. I do wish you the best with it.

spiral23 -> RE: May Not Be Cut Out For This, After All...Jealousy (7/29/2007 2:07:54 AM)
you have jealousy issues...and in my opinion quite serious ones..i say this not as a dig..but because your jealousy is slightly irrational..your jealousy is centered around people from his past and we all have pasts of some form or another but your inability to accept this, is why i think its serious...if its affecting the here and now..questioning your ability to play or get intimate with him...its becoming between with you and him then you need to start looking at it...jealousy like anger can get out of control but like anger can be managed in a healthy way...you need to talk to him...let him know how much its starting to affect you..get him to help you work through it...maybe you might want to consider seeing a counsellor...just to see if their is any deep rooted reasons for it... its a problem but not one that can't be sorted, as long as both of you are open and communicate...and i hope able to get past this and let him make all your fantasies come true...

came4U -> RE: May Not Be Cut Out For This, After All...Jealousy (7/29/2007 2:08:16 AM)
yes, ownedgirlie, I kinda agree, I wouldn't get collared with such insecurities, those of which I OWN myself. Thus why I am still alone. If I can't get past these issues, I wouldn't start someting I cannot finish (not falling in love with anyone anytime soon lol). If I never find a dominant because of it, oh well, not going to torture myself or another man because of my own issues about his 'too much experience factor'. I find out just how much he has, I dislike it, I drop it, NEXXXXXXT. No loss, and no emotional commitment, no one gets hurt.

BDsbabygirl -> RE: May Not Be Cut Out For This, After All...Jealousy (7/29/2007 2:11:41 AM)
Thanx for your comments, also, ownedgirlie...Big Daddy has said that he loves seeing the look in my eyes when he does something new to me, but I feel the wonder and discovery is being dampened because I am the only one feeling it. If I can't get over these feelings, there won't be enjoyment for him, either, because there won't be any wonder and discovery, only sickness at the thought of him having done it before... sigh Guess I'll just have to get really good at looking at stuff/could-be-tools in my house and in finding interesting places - for the record, my fantasy was doing it on the hood of a car, now the fantasy is all gone! and I'll never be able to look at a car without a sad twinge running thru me - casually bringing it up in conversation, and, if it seems like something he hasn't done before, later bringing it up as a fantasty because he will surely try to make my fantasy come true...and he will, but not in the way he thinks...is that 'topping from the bottom'?

BDsbabygirl -> RE: May Not Be Cut Out For This, After All...Jealousy (7/29/2007 2:15:44 AM)
came4U, just for the record, I fell in love with him while we were still "just friends" in a vanilla kind of way. We even started out romantically and sexually as vanilla (and the thoughts of his past didn't even occur to me then, so why now, when it's BDSM centered?), so by the time this issue arose, it was already too late, for I was a goner...

earthycouple -> RE: May Not Be Cut Out For This, After All...Jealousy (7/29/2007 2:15:55 AM)
While this has to do with my husband who is neither my slave or my dominant it rings similar to the OP's situation....kinda. My husband at one time long before me met a woman he wanted to marry. He bought a ring and in giving it to her she said not only did she not love him, but had been cheating on him. So that of course ended that. He was in college. I didn't meet him until his mid 30's. Well, that ring turned up. (We were not yet married, we were engaged and I had no ring) I asked about it, of course and he told me the above story. It seemed like every time I turned around there was that ring. I hated it. I was so jealous but didn't want to say anything because of how stupid it was to be jealous due to a ring he wanted to give a girl 10 some odd years ago. He told me the ring was very cheap (it was...not real at all) and he gave it to my daughter for play. It killed me every time I saw it. I finally grabbed it one day and threw it away. I simply could not stand to see that ring, meant for another, in the home I was building with this man. One day, I don't recall what prompted it, I told him how I felt. He didn't understand. My explanation was you were willing to give a ring to a woman who was cheating on you....yet here we are, dedicated, in love, and engaged, yet I wear nothing to show it. (We weren't exactly rolling in money and couldn't afford a nice ring and he told me that's why he hadn't yet purchased a ring for me...because he wanted me to have a nice engagement ring, not something cheap like he had planned to give her. It didn't make me feel better to be honest) So...if I can go so crazy about a damn cheap ring from 10 years before and before he and I even knew each other...then damn straight I can feel for you being upset. The stupid thing is (ok, really stupid thing) that I can share him with another...but damn if someone is going to have "more" than what I have...I deserved a ring, a better ring because I was so much better than she...she was cheating on him and didn't like him.....I am in love with my husband. So yeah...I feel for ya, OP.

BDsbabygirl -> RE: May Not Be Cut Out For This, After All...Jealousy (7/29/2007 2:18:33 AM)
And it's not quite as bad as my original post made it out to be; for the most part, I do enjoy the other stuff - nipple torture, flogging, sensory deprivation, etc - it's just this way with my fantasies, I guess...just realized that tonite, when he threw cold water all over my hot flame.

came4U -> RE: May Not Be Cut Out For This, After All...Jealousy (7/29/2007 2:19:30 AM)
IMO...yes, I'm sure we all have that 'new car smell' at first...till he is bored hmmph hmm topping from the bottom? kinda. I want to do things that would satisfy him (some men have their fetishes/preferances too) but, I also don't want to give him ideas from my head because then he is doing things to appease me. That is as equal as a turnoff. there is no direct and clear answer to give in this subject. If I was in that position in the past, I would know what the hell to do LOL.

julietsierra -> RE: May Not Be Cut Out For This, After All...Jealousy (7/29/2007 2:22:00 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: BDsbabygirl Thanx for your comments, also, ownedgirlie...Big Daddy has said that he loves seeing the look in my eyes when he does something new to me, but I feel the wonder and discovery is being dampened because I am the only one feeling it. Try this: He loves seeing the look in your eyes when he does something new to you because HE CREATED THAT LOOK IN YOU. For him, the new part is watching you be amazed, scared, etc...and knowing he did it. It's a powerful powerful feeling. Before you did all this, when you lived a vanilla life, did you only go out with virgin men? Because if you didn't, why didn't it matter to you then, that they'd had other women in their lives that they'd loved before you? juliet

ownedgirlie -> RE: May Not Be Cut Out For This, After All...Jealousy (7/29/2007 2:23:14 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: BDsbabygirl Thanx for your comments, also, ownedgirlie...Big Daddy has said that he loves seeing the look in my eyes when he does something new to me, but I feel the wonder and discovery is being dampened because I am the only one feeling it. If I can't get over these feelings, there won't be enjoyment for him, either, because there won't be any wonder and discovery, only sickness at the thought of him having done it before... sigh Guess I'll just have to get really good at looking at stuff/could-be-tools in my house and in finding interesting places - for the record, my fantasy was doing it on the hood of a car, now the fantasy is all gone! and I'll never be able to look at a car without a sad twinge running thru me - casually bringing it up in conversation, and, if it seems like something he hasn't done before, later bringing it up as a fantasty because he will surely try to make my fantasy come true...and he will, but not in the way he thinks...is that 'topping from the bottom'? Have you ever given a child a gift and watched his eyes widen with delight? Have you ever watched a little one discover that your chin turns yellow when you hold a buttercup to it, or watched him reel in a fish for the first time? Get the idea? Did it lessen your joy at all since you've already had those kinds of experiences in life, or did you instead feed off his/her excitement and energy and truly enjoy it? You are saying you are the only one experiencing the newness, but you are missing that he is also experiencing your newness and discoveries and that's a first for him, too. Stop trying to compete with his past. You are his present and that is new to him. Why don't you ask him what things he has never done before and would like to do? Then perhaps you can incorporate those things into your play along with your own fantasies...maybe you can even merge the two. But seriously, knock it off with the blah blah blah and go talk to the man!

came4U -> RE: May Not Be Cut Out For This, After All...Jealousy (7/29/2007 2:25:42 AM)
oook juliet and owned have a point LOL good points too. K, this is out of my experience realm now LOL. no more for me.

SusanofO -> RE: May Not Be Cut Out For This, After All...Jealousy (7/29/2007 2:26:25 AM)
Why would a man with any class keep discussing his past girlfriends with you? Even if it is a D/s relationship? Maybe I misunderstood the OP's original post on this thread, but I don't undertstand why he'd do that, unless he is a Sadist or something. Maybe it's just me, but I don't understand it, or think it's "necessary to do" or any such nonsense. It's a new relationship for him, too, isn't it? Can't he let go of the past, or something? I'd think he'd want to be a little more focussed on his current relationship. Maybe the OP does have "issues", but by the same token, it sounds to me like her Dom has a few "issues" of his own. It's possible I misunderstood what she was trying to convey, but if he is constantly discussing his old girlfriends, it would make me want to leave him and BDSM behind me maybe, too. - Susan

BDsbabygirl -> RE: May Not Be Cut Out For This, After All...Jealousy (7/29/2007 2:27:09 AM)
Nice story, earthycouple, I really feel for you, have been there, too (different situation, tho)...I just thank God he doesn't talk too much about his ex-wives and what they did, even nonsexual stuff. Perhaps if I look really aggrieved everytime he brings up his past, he'll get it. sigh I know I should talk to him about this but I am just really too embarrassed to right now...even to the point of leaving it out of my Journal and I've gotten used to putting things I can't talk about in it... Still, once he gets my text, something will need to be said and I know I won't be able to lie, I wouldn't dare. I'll let you guys know how it goes...damn! If only Sunday wasn't "play day"...

Daddysjezzy -> RE: May Not Be Cut Out For This, After All...Jealousy (7/29/2007 2:28:40 AM)
Im not sure whether you are cut out for the lifestyle or not but it might help if you turned your perspective from how you are feeling to how you can make your Dominant feel. In my opinion, role and purpose of a submissive is to serve and please her Dominant. So rather than obsessing about how his past makes you feel jealous and insecure, focus on how doing these things with you makes him very happy. Think about ways of exciting and making him happy without him asking you to do them. If he has done them before and tells you about them, compliment him on his experience and say how it makes you a very lucky submissive to have such an experienced Dominant. Will you always feel happy about his past? Hell no but its not always about you when you submit to someone else. There is joy in serving, giving and sacrificing for another otherwise why would we submit in the first place? Good luck.

ownedgirlie -> RE: May Not Be Cut Out For This, After All...Jealousy (7/29/2007 2:30:54 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: SusanofO Why would a man with any class *keep discussing his past girlfriends with you?* Even if it s a D/s relationship? Maybe I misunderstood the OPs original post on this thread, but I don't undertstand why he'd do that unless he is a Sadist or something. Maybe it's just me, but I don't understand it or think it's "necessary to do" or any such nonsense. It's a new relationship for him, too, isn't it? Can't he let go of the past, or something? I'd think he'd want to be a little more focussed on his current relationship. Maybe the OP does have "issues", but by the same toekn, it sounds to me like her Dom has a few "issues" of his own. It's possible I misunderstood what she was trying to convey, but if he is constantly discussing his old girlfriends, it would make me want to leave him, too. - Susan I only saw her mention one instance in her OP. I didn't see anything about him "constantly discussing his old girlfriends."

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