SusanofO
Posts: 5672
Joined: 12/19/2005
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I am on out of town for a few days w/ my relatives, but got hold of my niece's lap-top PC. I am not going to be able to hang around and "host" this thread, because we're all going out to dinner, but I was thinking about some ideas I occasionally see tossed around on the CM boards, that I think just aren't true, and I sometimes can find them hard to stomach especially if they come from anyone who claims in their profile to be "educated" or "sophisticated".
I am not saying people don't have a right to their own opinions. So do I (and here they are)...
If someone is brand new to the BDSM "world", or relatively young, then maybe it is somewhat understandable. Otherwise, IMO, spouting many of the following points of view is only going to make you seem like some unsophisticated Neanderthal, or just plain prejudiced. Of course people can believe whatever they want - and they do - and I am no better than anyone else - but I just wanted to say that find the following mis-conceptions hard to swallow, when they come out of the mouths of people who can also preach things like: "It is always wrong to "judge anyone else's kink", etc. I'm not trying to be a nag, or sound whiny, but the following mis-conceptions about D/s orientations, are the ones I find especially annoying:
1) All FemDoms aka "Dommes" must (or do) hate men. If they did, why would they be interacting with them at all? A FemDom orientation is no more "strange" than having a Male Dom orientation (or any other D/s orientation). It's the same orientation as M/f , except in reverse.That's all it is, really. If some people cannot wrap their head around this, then don't interact with them, if you don't like it. But they're here to stay. Get used to it.
2) ProDommes must all (or do) hate men. See #1. I see nothing wrong with ProDommes. But also - it's a business transaction that is taking place here. If you are a customer (or a prospective one) of some of these women, and suspect you might be "duped" (or whatever) then think of yourself as a consumer first, and a sexually-oriented being second. Ask for some references from someone claiming "years of experience" or "many satisfied customers". If all of these women hated men, I doubt they'd be able to satisfy them as customers, time and time again. If your'e complaining that they're not getting "emotionally involved enough" with clients (or you yourself, if you are a client) - I think you maybe shouldn't expect that, and find a non-"Pro" for a partner, instead. Or, even just find a different "Pro", perhaps. I think there may exist ProDommes who dis-like males, just as there are Male Doms who dis-like females. Some of them are out there, probably. I don't like to think this is the "norm", though.
3) All male submissive must really be gay. Geez - if they were, would they be seeking out interactions with females? Clue: If their profile orientations says "gay" then they are gay. If their profile orientation says "straight" - then they are straight". If they were truly "asexual" or something, then would they be involved in BDSM activity at all? These men have the same orientation toward females that female submissives have toward male Dominants. Though it might not seem "normal" to you, many of these men have very buff bods, are very masculine, know how to treat a lady, are intelligent, mature, and have their act together. If you haven't noticed this, then you haven't looked very far. As with Male Doms, there are exceptions to this (these are people - not mere "roles" - we are talking about - just people). Like in the "Vanilla" world...just people. This is simply some men's way of expressing their "kink" orientation. Period.
4) There is something "weird" about being gay. If you honestly still believe this (or maybe even if you ever did), simply because you're not gay, then shame on you. Really. If you are gay (I am also including Lesbians in this terminology) and you believe this, then please get the therapy you need to help yourself. Ditto, if you hold this kind of judgment about Trangendering (or Transgendered people).
5) True Bi-sexuals don't really exist - I dunno. I just don't find this too hard to wrap my head around, either. I will admit there are people claiming to be Bi-sexual perhaps, just to please a Dom or Domme, who might not find it something they'd do without "prodding", but, I do think there are probably people who don't find it hard to be attracted to either sex (and maybe on a 50-50 basis, too). I am sure some debate this, but I personally don't have a hard time believing it could be true.
6) Switches are "just confused" - This is my personal favorite. When I first became involved in D/s, I was becoming very attracted to a male Dom who claimed to be "educated and sophisticated" who was lecturing me about not ever "judging anyone else's kink". He said it was a "Cardinal rule" in the "BDSM world". I did like him. And then one night, he killed all that, when I said I thought I had some fantasies about dominating a male sub, he said to me: "Don't worry. You're still just "transitioning from being "Vanilla". It's quite common, and "finding yourself in BDSM just takes time". Excuse me? Most "Vanillas (to my knowledge) don't often fantasize about swatting some man's butt. I am not "confused". I don't need to "just find myself and decide which orientation I am". It's not that I can't decide. I've decided I don't want to decide. I have no problem excluding one "side of myself" for the other. Sure there are people who claim to be: 10% sub, 90% Dom/me, 70% sub, etc. Find out who you're dealing with, and just how, they operate within their "Switch" orientation, if their "Switchi-ness" concerns you. I don't expect someone who is a submissive to "Dom" me (although some people do expect this, as a Switch, and some subs and Doms don't mind accomodating them. Some do). I truly feel like I can "have it all". Deal with it. Does everyone want this? No. Can everyone even do this? No. Do they have to, or should they necessarily want to? No. Should it really matter? No.
7)"Sissy Boys" are all gay - See #3. I may be slightly off-base here, but overall, IMO, these are just men who will dress up in female clothing, and-or in a maid's outfit, and feel forced to act in a traditional "femenine" role, and like to be bossed around by Dommes (or Doms) while they're dressed that way. Although I have head of some who are actually male Doms as well, I think that is probably the exception, and they are mainly male submissives. If you don't like them personally, all you have to do is stay away from them. I know some really wonderful, kind, decent "Sissy Boys." If you don't, then you don't have to shout how "abnormal" you think they are from every mountain-top. Grow up.
8) Adult Babies are just "abnormal" - I think sometimes these folk can have a hard time dealing in the adult-oriented D/s world, because they're interactions with other people can be so innocent-like, and have a sort of "naive" quailty. They are used to being in relationships with someone who truly treats them like a child (and may act like one. I mean that in an innocent, not "judgmental, sense of the word). Hence the term "Adult baby". If someone wants to wear diapers, and be held and cuddled, etc - it's just plain not my business. I can understand it, even if I wouldn't maybe want to do it all the time (or at all). They are just people, like anyone else. It's not too far a stretch to imagine it as okay for someone else, even if you might not want to do it yourself. If you don't appreciate it, fine. Nobody's asking you to do it. If they do, and you don't want to, you can always say "No."
9) All Male Doms are secret (or overt) woman haters - C'mon - you can't really believe this, can you? I know the majority of male Doms I've seen treat females pretty well. Some treat them very well. Sure there are maybe some people with 'issues" all over the BDSM world. Just like there are in the "Vanilla" world, btw. If you honestly believe this (and especially if you are a female submissive) then maybe you either 1) Don't belong in the BDSM wolrd or 2) Need to check out interacting with a male submssive for awhile. Or 3) At least, be quiet about thinking this as a generalization. Because it's just not true.
Well, that concludes (for now) my list. Have any of your own? Feel free to add them. Thanks for listening.
- Susan
< Message edited by SusanofO -- 8/4/2007 8:01:25 PM >
_____________________________
"Hope is the thing with feathers,
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune without the words,
And never stops at all". - Emily Dickinson
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Misconceptions about D/s orientations - 
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but, hey, to each their own, right? Seriously, I totally believe some people have no desire to be with a member of their own sex so it is a false belief that no one is always, totally straight.
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