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Insecurity - 8/6/2007 1:09:48 PM   
SimplyMichael


Posts: 7229
Joined: 1/7/2007
Status: offline 		As a few of you know I am madly in love with a wonderful woman I met here on CollarMe.  Our relationship is the "best run" one I have ever had, I really feel like I have come into my own and am proud of how and where I have taken us.

I was in a seminar this weekend and heard the following which I have really taken to heart:

Trust in Good Intentions - meaning assume the best until proven otherwise.  A simple but rather profound idea, not always easy but still worth working at.

That said...

I still have flashes of insecurity and this weekend some of them were a bit raw and I thought I would share them here. 


The long distance thing makes some of them harder to deal with.  She has children which can demand a lot of time and I am fairly understanding of that.  What happens that triggers my issues is that some days she will contact me a lot and others she seems to "disappear".  We talk about it and have slowly worked out ways to deal with this and I think we have finally worked out a path that will OFTEN work.  Even if she is busy she can find to send me a short text message saying "hi" and that is enough for me.  I don't always go to a bad place in my head but if other things are triggering doubt it tends to be the straw that shakes my confidence and triggers my insecurity.  I realize it is MOSTLY my  issue as the woman keeps getting on a plane to come see me and does amazing things for me so my brain knows she loves me, just my heart panicks sometimes.  However, we still need to work on her checking in once in a while with me even if she is busy since a text message takes only seconds to create and send.

Playing in the bay area can be intimidating, there are national level people playing alongside you, and in my case, playing alongside me eyeing my woman with envy.  This happened with my first long term submissive and undermined that relationship in a variety of ways.  Unlike that relationship and partner, my current one works very hard to focus on me despite being very social which helps my brain, but my ego does get a bit skittish.  I love ropework but I was too intimidated to try it at the play space in front of everyone (lest the big boys laugh at me) but when I did it later in the hotel room I put together a very lovely and interesting rope dress that I would have been proud to have done there.  Clearly I have work to do on this part and this is clearly MY work as my partner was flawless in this and worked very very hard to keep me on an even keel.  I had explained to her my issues and why I was a bit wobbly and she took that to heart and really took care of me.   

Those are the easy ones to speak of, this one is harder and very core to me.  I have never been the sort of guy who can pick up women in a bar, my friends are handsome in a conventional sense and get hit on and meet women effortlessly.  It has taken me a long time to realize that I am NOT that sort but that there ARE other sorts of men women find attractive and DO fit the "evil bastard" and "bear" looks on some level.  However, sometimes I feel a bit too much "bear" and not enough "evil bastard" and I feel self conscious about it.  I should see it in the looks she gives me and at times I allow myself to believe it and even to feel it.  When we are alone I have zero doubts, when we are in my own bdsm community, I have zero doubts, but again, playing in the bay area triggers that insecurity for a variety of reasons and on a couple of levels.  I shouldn't have those doubts and again, this one is one I have to own all by myself as my partner gives me no real reason to doubt her.

In writing this I realize my issues are ones I can deal with on my own.  Loosing weight would help with part of it, and I do need to lose some weight but she is helping me with that.  The skill thing I am working on, as while I think I rock in regards to creating a healthy nurturing D/s relationship, my technical skills are not where I think they should be.  That is certainly an easy one to deal with as well.

I feel much better now!  I know I am one lucky bastard but I know that she realizes how lucky she is as well and we have shared things together that amaze us both, what more can one ask for?

So, who else cares to share their insecurities?
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: Insecurity - 8/6/2007 1:16:33 PM   
ELUSIVE1


Posts: 536
Joined: 9/11/2005
Status: offline
I am surprised to see a vulnerable side to SimplyMicheal--and I have to say, I like that you are human and admit to some of the same issues we deal with daily...I am insecure about some things...I have serious abandonment issues...my first ever Master was  a busy Doctor, and I was free to text him anytime anyday just to know he was there, and let him know I was thinking of him...I do enjoy going to lifestyle demos and events, because I usually get something out of the day...


_____________________________

"Words have no power to impress the mind without the exquisite horror of their reality"

*Poe
http://alt.com/blog/ELUSIVE1NC
http://users.adultspace.com/ELUSIVE1NC/


(in reply to SimplyMichael)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: Insecurity - 8/6/2007 1:19:26 PM   
Archer


Posts: 3207
Joined: 3/11/2005
Status: offline 		I feel for you man I know the way you feel I started out in the DFW area with some pretty heavy hitters as well.
Also know the "Will this woman figure out that she could maybe do better?" moments as well.
Only thing that I can offer from my perspective is.
Forget about the heavy hitters more often than not you'll find something that is innovative and they end up asking you about it.
Work your own little magic work it well to your own standards the results will speak for themselves.
I've never found people worth while to be laughing at any lack of good intended skill, only at lack of good intent.

(in reply to SimplyMichael)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: Insecurity - 8/6/2007 1:38:15 PM   
LATEXBABY64


Posts: 2107
Joined: 4/8/2004
Status: offline 		lifestyle events are great.. there is a lot of good education that comes from them. and has help me grow and understand about my insecurities... where my life path was going ...how do i get there ...am i doing the right things

(in reply to Archer)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: Insecurity - 8/6/2007 2:02:13 PM   
LaTigresse


Posts: 26123
Joined: 1/15/2006
Status: offline 		Michael, because it is you and I have so much respect for you.....I will let a few of my more whimpy issues peek out.

I was not an attractive teen, puberty was HELL! Zits and greasy hair combined with being very poor in a very class concious and materialistic town. I was a total wallflower that half the kids I went to school with don't even remember existing. The other half either thought I was a snot or made fun of me. It gave me a terrible self image that took years to even begin to overcome.

No matter how much others tell me I am okay looking or cool or whatever the hell they come up with, on some level I have this gut instinct that sooner or later they will find me out and run. At this point in life it only involves intimate relationships and only in the beginning. Needless to say it also explains why I just cannot get excited about starting anything online because I cannot see into their eyes and "read" their feelings. I need that.

Okay, so maybe just that one is all that wants to be seen today.



_____________________________

My twisted, self deprecating, sense of humour, finds alot to laugh about, in your lack of one!

Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

(in reply to SimplyMichael)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: Insecurity - 8/6/2007 2:18:18 PM   
lateralist1


Posts: 886
Joined: 11/22/2006
Status: offline 		Thankyou Michael it's nice to hear a man admitting that he has insecurities.
When a relationship feels so good I think it's only human to worry a little.
You could of course instruct your sub to text you daily as part of her duties.
I've done that but then I realised that if they didn't want to keep in touch then they didn't. Everyone is different about the amount of contact they need in a relationship.
I suppose it's hard for someone who doesn't need it to understand someone who does. Being able to 'pick someone up' is just a skill like any other. It doesn't actually mean anything. I don't think it has anything to do with being good looking.Are your friends as happy as you in there relationships?
Do you have a mentor? If not then maybe it would help you. My mentor is fantastic. Very supportive and helpful.  He's been in the 'lifestyle' for many many years but still manages to get on my wave length. I hope I occasionally help him as well.

(in reply to Archer)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: Insecurity - 8/6/2007 2:25:13 PM   
daddyscherry


Posts: 85
Joined: 7/10/2007
From: Daddy's Tower, CA
Status: offline 		First i want to say to SM, your openness is very refreshing to see in a Dominant thank you for such a great post because even though you were talking of your own experience it is easy for others to relate to you very deeply.

quote:

ORIGINAL: LaTigresse
I was not an attractive teen, puberty was HELL! Zits and greasy hair combined with being very poor in a very class concious and materialistic town. I was a total wallflower that half the kids I went to school with don't even remember existing. The other half either thought I was a snot or made fun of me. It gave me a terrible self image that took years to even begin to overcome.

No matter how much others tell me I am okay looking or cool or whatever the hell they come up with, on some level I have this gut instinct that sooner or later they will find me out and run. At this point in life it only involves intimate relationships and only in the beginning. Needless to say it also explains why I just cannot get excited about starting anything online because I cannot see into their eyes and "read" their feelings. I need that.

Okay, so maybe just that one is all that wants to be seen today.




LaTigrese, OMG i can so relate to your post. No matter what i do to the outsides, to erase the girl i once was, there is still a part of her way too alive and well inside of me. Some of this is a good thing, it means i could never suffer from any kind of 'swelled head syndrome" but...

As far as the online thing. i met my Daddy online and it took me so long to meet him in rt because i was petrified that i'd never ever live up to my pics and that he would instead see "that girl", the girl who was made fun of who still peers out through my eyes and that he would be disappointed.

This online meeting has totally added to my insecurity, and although we've been together a kind of long time now, meeting in that way still effects me and adds to my issues.


_____________________________

~cherry
a.k.a. charismagirrl

For today i won't say but...
For today i won't say just....
For today i will simply obey...
For always i will be your imperfect slave.

(in reply to LaTigresse)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: Insecurity - 8/6/2007 2:25:21 PM   
MamaDomme


Posts: 283
Joined: 12/28/2006
Status: offline 		Michael, I loved reading about the softer side of you and knowing that you are as vulnerable as the rest of us.

What so many submissives don't understand is that many of us (me, anyway) Dominants really are humans with real emotions and insecurities at times.

I wish you the very best with this and know that you will certainly do well!

(in reply to SimplyMichael)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: Insecurity - 8/6/2007 2:27:15 PM   
OnlyHis


Posts: 137
Joined: 2/25/2004
Status: offline 		First Simply Michael Sir please let me say how much i value your posting this here. It is not every Dominant/ Domme or even sub or slave that can write about their insecurities the way you did. Honestly and with such feelings. It shows in every word Sir.
I have felt many of the same insecurities you are feeling. It took Master a good part of the 6 years I have been His to chip away at my insecurities till I have now become more comfortable with exactly who I am and who and what I am to Master.  I can't say all my insecurities have disappeared, far from it but we have come a long way. And I am hopeful that things will only get better and better as they have so far.
Master and I are long distance but I travel once or twice a year to be with Him, various lengths of time too. They are always wonderful experiences but... there is always those separation insecurities when I again have to leave Master. In a nutshell it hurts like hell.
There have been times, quite a few when we were out of touch and all kinds of negative things went through my mind. Did He find someone else?  Am I not what He needs anymore? Those kind of things.  But again and again Master helped me see those insecurities were unfounded, that I was His and He was not looking to get rid of me or replace me or any such thing.
So there are some of the insecurities I have felt in the past , that have been worked on between Master and I . And we continue to move forward. 
Take  care and again thanks for your honesty and sharing with us


(in reply to SimplyMichael)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: Insecurity - 8/6/2007 2:34:33 PM   
LaTigresse


Posts: 26123
Joined: 1/15/2006
Status: offline 		Yes cherry, at least we don't have to worry about our heads never fitting through doorways. I don't know about you, but it has taken me FOREVER to learn to accept a compliment graciously. Even now, I still sometimes wonder to myself "are they being sincere or just offering up false platitudes because it is the polite thing to do?"

_____________________________

My twisted, self deprecating, sense of humour, finds alot to laugh about, in your lack of one!

Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

(in reply to daddyscherry)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: Insecurity - 8/6/2007 2:47:06 PM   
slaveish


Posts: 1086
Joined: 2/19/2007
Status: offline 		Michael, good post.

My insecurities stem from a situation much like LaTigresse's and daddyscherry's, and basically abandoned by my parents. My mother was physical pressent but had better things to do than attend to me. In 7th grade, a classmate's mother took her aside and told her I needed a new bra. I'd been wearing Aa's and when we went bra shopping we found I was in a full C, almost D. Stuff like that.

So now when I get a compliment, especially about my appearance or worth, I am suspicious, ~especially~ if it is from a male (and from my past, what do men want from me - secretive sex and silence). I am often very aloof, friendly and social on the surface, but don't let people get particularly close.

_____________________________

You only lose what you cling to. ~~Gautama Sidharta

If we have no peace, it is because we have forgotten that we belong to each other. ~~Mother Teresa

(in reply to LaTigresse)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: Insecurity - 8/6/2007 3:05:20 PM   
nyrisa


Posts: 1830
Joined: 11/20/2006
Status: offline 		What a great post. My best wishes to you and your woman. If it helps any to know, every time I see your posts and your avi, I definitely think "evil bastard". *smiles* The physical and psychological combine to make an awesome total, and she probably spends just as much time hoping she measures up to you.

_____________________________

A true lady takes off her dignity with her clothes and does her whorish best. At other times you can be as modest and dignified as your persona requires. Robert Heinlein

The last thing I want to do is hurt you...but it is still on my list.

(in reply to SimplyMichael)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: Insecurity - 8/6/2007 3:11:34 PM   
LATEXBABY64


Posts: 2107
Joined: 4/8/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LaTigresse

Michael, because it is you and I have so much respect for you.....I will let a few of my more whimpy issues peek out.

I was not an attractive teen, puberty was HELL! Zits and greasy hair combined with being very poor in a very class concious and materialistic town. I was a total wallflower that half the kids I went to school with don't even remember existing. The other half either thought I was a snot or made fun of me. It gave me a terrible self image that took years to even begin to overcome.

No matter how much others tell me I am okay looking or cool or whatever the hell they come up with, on some level I have this gut instinct that sooner or later they will find me out and run. At this point in life it only involves intimate relationships and only in the beginning. Needless to say it also explains why I just cannot get excited about starting anything online because I cannot see into their eyes and "read" their feelings. I need that.

Okay, so maybe just that one is all that wants to be seen today.





i always saw you as sexy and vibrate.. there is this powerful beautiful comanding aura about you

(in reply to LaTigresse)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: Insecurity - 8/6/2007 3:16:26 PM   
LaTigresse


Posts: 26123
Joined: 1/15/2006
Status: offline 		Thank you very much.

Now to demonstrate what I mean when I say that I do not easily accept compliments.

First reaction......."okayyyyyyyy, what do you want?" 

Second reaction ............"oh hell, now I vibrate!!!"

See, just not an easy thing for me. Please understand that I was not attacking you, just demonstrating my own isssuuuuues.

< Message edited by LaTigresse -- 8/6/2007 3:17:01 PM >

_____________________________

My twisted, self deprecating, sense of humour, finds alot to laugh about, in your lack of one!

Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

(in reply to LATEXBABY64)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: Insecurity - 8/6/2007 3:39:43 PM   
LATEXBABY64


Posts: 2107
Joined: 4/8/2004
Status: offline 		viberant the word i mean is full of life magic that stuff

(in reply to LaTigresse)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: Insecurity - 8/6/2007 3:51:23 PM   
shyinini


Posts: 550
Joined: 5/4/2007
Status: offline
Insecurities
 
Very few imbellish their insecurities.
Occasionally they are acknowledged by oneself.
Scarcely is the recognition and fight we have within ourselves
in regards to our own insecurities,  admitted to the public,
who with callous hands and hearts,
might shrug them off as weakness,
instead of great strength.
 
It takes great strength to admit any weakness,
let alone insecurities.
Tis vain to be proud.
Humility is a great virtue.
 
Sir's girl
 
 


_____________________________

With grace and gratitude, I am owned.
A Man who always seeks to be the best He can be for you
is the only Man truly worthy of being called Sir.


(in reply to LATEXBABY64)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: Insecurity - 8/6/2007 3:56:58 PM   
celticlord2112


Posts: 5732
Status: offline 		Like you, I met my slave here on CollarMe.  It has been a fantastic experience for me, fulfilling and gratifying in every way.

I grapple with insecurities every day.  If she's online, knowing that other dominant men are likely to start chatting with her, and perhaps even attempting to "poach" her for themselves can at times be quite maddening.  She has not said or done anything to feed this beast, it is a phantasm entirely of my own brain.  It is a long-term trust issue of my own that I am constantly working on.

I deal with it by reminding myself I have two options:  1) I can forbid her to chat with other dominants, thereby telegraphing my insecurity to the world; 2) I can allow her to chat but always keep tabs on dominants that disrespect our relationship.  Not wanting to magnify my insecurities more than necessary, I choose option #2.


(in reply to SimplyMichael)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: Insecurity - 8/6/2007 4:05:06 PM   
violetaelf


Posts: 74
Joined: 5/29/2006
Status: offline 		Dear Simply Michael,
It's just so wonderful to see a post like that, honest and open from a Dominant male. And it also hits home for me and my Sir (and I'm sure for many others) On a huge level.
My Sir and I have been in a long distance relationship for about two years... and because of that distance and our own insecurities (I want to think that mostly mine) we've been avoiding making our relationship real. I've traveled several time to see him and we have had great time together and then there was pain when I had to leave again. While we were away from each other, and when he'd go to some gathering or out with friends... I couldn't help but get some bad thoughts in my head, that he might just find someone better, someone that he will like more... someone more experienced or who shares more of his interests. But 2 years in, and he still cares for me and still wants me as I do him. So now we are trying to be together and moving closer to each other so we can finally live together. And I hope that will eliminate our insecurities based on distance and we can communicate and work on all the rest.

As far as insecurity in your skills... Just think about it.. Your woman loves what you do and that's what important and she is by your side so you can grow together in both love an skill. There will always be people on both sides of spectrum, those who are better and those who are worse than you, but it's not a competition... it's all that you and your partner make it to be... (at least that's what I think)

I do wish all the best to you and your love and I hope that you two will find a way to be together eventually. I know it sounds all magically wonderful but, stay realistic and positive. Best and warmest wishes.

'violet'

(in reply to SimplyMichael)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: Insecurity - 8/6/2007 4:21:20 PM   
TemptingNviceSub


Posts: 3054
Joined: 10/1/2005
Status: offline 		Michael..sometimes LDR relationship do lend themselves up to lots of insecurites being felt.But it is good that you recognise those self sabotaging thoughts.I wish you well in your relationship and I am glad that you have found a supportive and loving mate...Tempting

_____________________________

I have greatly enjoyed the second blooming...suddenly you find at the age of 50, that a whole new life has opened before you.........Agatha Christie.

You must make tracks into the unknown~~Thoreau

(in reply to shyinini)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: Insecurity - 8/6/2007 4:25:16 PM   
SimplyMichael


Posts: 7229
Joined: 1/7/2007
Status: offline 		Thanks for the outpouring of others personal stories as well as the wonderful support.  I used to be a raging ball of arrogance and insecurity and have dealt with much of it.  I find dragging my inner demons into the light often causes them to lose their power over me or at least lessons it greatly.

I have also worked hard to develop an inner observer who "watches" my mental processes as well as strive to be honest with myself about what I see.  It is funny how hard we can work to lie to ourselves!  Anyway, the feelings are not certainly not crushing ones,  some are ones I am barely aware of, little twinges, some like the issue with playing tends to go away once I see others playing.  I don't have the issue in Sacramento because I feel very comfortable in my skin there, not because I am the best but I can value what I do and how I do it in a way I don't quite yet do in the bay area.  However, just talking about it here has helped me work throught it all a bit so thanks to all of you!

(in reply to violetaelf)
Profile   Post #: 20
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