RE: Insecurity

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BossyShoeBitch -> RE: Insecurity (8/6/2007 4:31:56 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: SimplyMichael Thanks for the outpouring of others personal stories as well as the wonderful support. I used to be a raging ball of arrogance and insecurity and have dealt with much of it. I find dragging my inner demons into the light often causes them to lose their power over me or at least lessons it greatly. I have also worked hard to develop an inner observer who "watches" my mental processes as well as strive to be honest with myself about what I see. It is funny how hard we can work to lie to ourselves! Anyway, the feelings are not certainly not crushing ones, some are ones I am barely aware of, little twinges, some like the issue with playing tends to go away once I see others playing. I don't have the issue in Sacramento because I feel very comfortable in my skin there, not because I am the best but I can value what I do and how I do it in a way I don't quite yet do in the bay area. However, just talking about it here has helped me work throught it all a bit so thanks to all of you! Michael, In a room crowded with more than one hundred people, I see none of them. I see only you..

KMsAngel -> RE: Insecurity (8/6/2007 4:32:59 PM)
[:)] you're welcome Michael. i accept reeses cups as payment for sitting her observing your issues.... anytime, anytime

SimplyMichael -> RE: Insecurity (8/6/2007 4:38:44 PM)
In that I am sure, which is why it is MY work to deal with some of this. I can say without a doubt that you were devotion personified the entire weekend and I would have helped you fuck that bootblack so he doesn't count! LOL

BossyShoeBitch -> RE: Insecurity (8/6/2007 4:45:48 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: SimplyMichael In that I am sure, which is why it is MY work to deal with some of this. I can say without a doubt that you were devotion personified the entire weekend and I would have helped you fuck that bootblack so he doesn't count! LOL OMG! I just wanted to defile him! He was a yummy little morsel wasn't he?

SimplyMichael -> RE: Insecurity (8/6/2007 4:48:12 PM)
Yes he was, but I had the juiciest morsel of all and if I recall correctly we pretty much defiled each other and most of that play space and the hotel room, but if we don't stop people are going to tell US to get a room. So why am I insecure again? Oh yeah, human frailty and stupidity.

KMsAngel -> RE: Insecurity (8/6/2007 4:53:48 PM)
please. get a room. a big room, for all of us, though.... we'll just take notes... i should stop now. please stop making it easy for me, please!

LadyPact -> RE: Insecurity (8/6/2007 5:06:43 PM)
(Using fast reply before I read the other comments.) Michael, For what it matters, I for One, like you much better as a person these past months, than a bastard. I very much see you growing, evolving, and I see that as a wonderful thing. I see you expressing a more inner you, and it is wonderful to see more than just what is on the surface. Take My opinion for what it's worth. I hope you see it as a positive. As to the topic, I most certainly get intimidated by some situations of public play. I consider Myself, by no means, a "heavy hitter" (ok, maybe I would if I looked at the pun aspect of that) and often feel dwindled when I am in the company of others who have double or even tripple My experience in the lifestyle. Just this past weekend, I was at an event where My level was nothing compared to some at the event. (Master Archer being one of those, btw.) And, yes, I fully admit to My twinge of insecurity should those greater than I should pop into one of My scenes. To My own compliment, I was thankful to shake that idea off, and continue to have some excellent play that night. For Me, that is a small success. That I allowed Myself to still step up and do those things that I wanted to do, without being overly concerned about what those in the crowd might think about My experience level or technique. I'm happy with that. Come to think of it, I got a couple of really nice compliments on My work. In the meantime, Michael, there's nothing wrong about feeling insecurity once in a while. I think it's part of being human. I happen to believe that, once upon a time, those "heavy hitters" of today, were once in the shoes of intimidation themselves. They experience being human, too. That's probably why they are in the class that they are. I'll say it again. I much prefer you showing that you're human, rather than just a bastard.

BossyShoeBitch -> RE: Insecurity (8/6/2007 5:13:03 PM)
blushes Thank you Sir. You flatter me.[sm=kiss.gif]

NoVacancy -> RE: Insecurity (8/6/2007 5:27:46 PM)
I can so relate to what everyone has written. I too was ridiculed when growing up and I think that I will carry that with me all my life. I have met a wonderful man, he says he feels as fortunate as I do, but that stupid little hurt girl inside, taunts me, telling me he is just trying to be gentle with me. I go to therapy and learned that I carry a lot of guilt around with me that makes me feel like I have to sacrifice everything for everyone else. That I have to do heroic and dramatically wonderful things to somehow make up for fooling the world into thinking I am good enough, smart enough, pretty enough, interesting enough, nice enough, athletic enough, tolerant enough, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. That simply who I am is not good enough. I hide it well though. I don't talk about it and I try like hell not to fish for compliments. Someone told me once that I engage in a comparison game with everyone I meet, in all walks of life. That when I meet someone (male, female, co-worker, young, old) that I compare myself to them and that it is very self-sabotaging to do that, because I will always find something about them that is better than me. I know how lucky I am to serve the Master I serve now. I am very happy. I still did the comparison game and of course, I was not disappointed. I found myself lacking....just like I knew I would... but, I'm not acting on that this time....I just "feel it". I find it hard to believe sometimes that I used to search and search until I found someone who was, truly, not good enough for me (I'm surprised at how low I could actually go). Only then was I satisfied that I was worthy. I hope and pray that I have at least learned how to ward off this bad behavior on my part. I don't want to screw anything up, ya know? I wish you the best Simply Michael. I think sometimes confronting our fears and insecurities is the only hope we have of eventually conquering them.

SDFemDom4cuck -> RE: Insecurity (8/6/2007 5:34:16 PM)
Michael, I have always been one of those that see the best in someone until proven otherwise. It's always worked well for me. It's difficult at first in today's world but the effort at acheiving it is more than worth it. Insecurities... I'm still the little geeky girl in HS I think. Even though no one from then would have ever associated me with geeky, nor would they now. To me, sometimes, I still am. I tend to be involved with men that are very powerful and responsible in their day to day lives. They travel a great deal or they are just extremely busy. When that happens there are times I can begin to feel "forgotten" when compared to all the other things they have going on. I tend to be silent about it rather than show that insecurity however. I think your text idea is wonderful and it truly doesn't take a great deal to send a quick "Hi" that says..I'm thinking about you. My life is beyond hectic as well right now but I think it's important to send a note to let them know they aren't forgotten even with everything else going on. As far as "heavy hitters" goes...shake it off. You have a creative brain and others will surely admire the skills it contains. I learn something new everyday; I think that we all should. Someone's experience in length of time means little to me if they have something I can learn from them. If the bear look is what's bothering you then change it. Not for anyone else but for you (no offense BSB). Because truly, it is only with that motivation in mind, that makes it become successful. Personally I've gained about 25 pounds in the last year because of school, crap eating habits, lack of gym time and averaging 3 hours of sleep a night. I was not at all thrilled with that fact but I accept it as a temporary issue and as soon as things are less crazy it's back to the gym. For now I try to get in as many whippet walks as I can, even if it's 2am. So far I'm 6 pounds down. Look, obviously this woman is as crazy about you as you are about her. Relax. Enjoy it. Trust that she does and that you're more than worthy of it. Because you are. So is she. Ain't love grand??? [;)]

SimplyMichael -> RE: Insecurity (8/6/2007 5:36:27 PM)
NoVacancy, I like how you put it and I have been there and a few times early on in this one that was the ONLY thing that kept me from acting on my panic. I haven't posted everthing and there ARE a few genuine reasons for SOME of my insecurity (which out of respect for her I am keeping private) and early on, I was litterally repeating your mantra over and over. quote: I found myself lacking....just like I knew I would... but, I'm not acting on that this time....I just "feel it".

heartfeltsub -> RE: Insecurity (8/6/2007 6:00:54 PM)
First of all, would like to join in the comments applauding you Michael for this very vulnerable and moving post. Secondly would like to add that it seems that the relationships in our lives often make us face our fears and insecurities. my ex-husband had a particular body type that he found most attractive, it was a short, petite, long-haired brunette. Although i do not currently have a picture on my profile having taken it down after i was recognized at work, i am a tall, curvaceous blonde, absolutely nothing like his ideal body type. When he left and got remarried, he married a short, petite, long-haried brunette, which of course set off all kinds of fears, insecurities and abandonment issues. One of the Doms that i currently serve, the one that i have more of an emotional attachment to, also has an ideal body type that He prefers, short, petite, long-haired brunettes. Needless to say this relationship is forcing me to deal with my insecurities and fears and i think that whether one believes in fate, a Higher Power, karma, etc. that sometimes the Powers that be deliberately put us in situations to deal with our fears so that we can overcome them. Congratulations Michael on the progress that you have made so far and thank you again for starting this excellent and thought-provoking thread. heartfelt

chey -> RE: Insecurity (8/6/2007 6:03:25 PM)
SimplyMichael thank you for sharing. In my old online journal I used to have pictures of myself with so much makeup on it was difficult to tell it was me. I looked into the mirror one day and could not seem to see what others complimented me on so I kept covering it until it no longer looked like me. It was always difficult to not like so many things about myself and then have other women really get on me in a mean way about it, saying I had no idea what it was like to be this way or that way. The bottom line is that whether or not others can see why we are insecure about something or whether it makes any sense at all, it is still so very much alive inside of us!!! So I posted the pictures, titled it "Unpretty" and wrote a little about how I was feeling. I wish I could find that now. Because of those feelings though so many insecurities pop up. Like, I just know that when I let my guard down and give someone my heart they are going to hurt me, find someone else or just decide I am not what they want. Growing up I was always the sister who the boys could "talk" to....I guess like one of the guys. And usually they would try to get me to fix them up with my sister "the pretty one". It sucked but ya know what? Now I am able to interact in a way that the kind of men I want in my life desire. It works for me now! So Michael no matter how many of us tell you we understand or try to give advice or even tell you you are crazy for being insecure because you are a great guy, the only one who matters is you. It is so apparent that you already know it!

MadRabbit -> RE: Insecurity (8/6/2007 6:29:23 PM)
I would have to say biggest one that I deal with is my general lack of muscle mass and my own lack of physical strength. Men are socialized to be stronged, powerful, to fight and defend. Its something that has plagued me all my life to a degree. I feal inadequate in light of men who are stronger than me. Its taken a lot of growth and I have quite a lot of confidence. I dont worry about how I look. I am comfortable that I am attractive, physically fit and in shape. However, the fealing of "weakness" will always be there, in the back of my mind. Something I am aware of and have to deal with and force out of my rational thought. I am not one to pick up women at bars either. I have no issues approaching someone I am interested after I have gotten to know them, but to make open sexual advances to a complete stranger is something I cannot and probably will not ever be able to do. Mainly because I have general issues with rejection. Taking rejection well is something I struggle with. I've improved a lot and its not a heavy insecurity. My main issue is I tend to recluse. Its rare for me to stay on a friends level with someone who has turned me down. The worst is when someone is overly cold, blunt, and just downright a unempathic bitch about saying "No". Thats when it really flares up and I get on the defensive very easy. I am very much an introvert as well. I write incredibly well, but verbal communication is not easy for me. I am quiet, not very outgoing, and am very often lost in my own linear thoughts. I'm disconnected from the outside world. I dont make connections with people easily, dont understand American culture and find very few people I actually want to have a conversation with. There is not many people on a daily basis that I actually can relate to. I feal out of place and like I dont belong here. And because of this, I've struggled with fealings of despair and loneliness for as long as I can remember. Edited To Add : Not many people my age read Nietszche and Kierkeggard for fun.

KMsAngel -> RE: Insecurity (8/6/2007 6:37:59 PM)
because i've had too little sleep sneaks up on the rabbit... i still need to capture a front paw and a back paw ponders. if i take your paw, you'll be forced to verbalise more, rather than endear us with your writing, won't u?

BossyShoeBitch -> RE: Insecurity (8/6/2007 6:40:19 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: SDFemDom4cuck Michael, If the bear look is what's bothering you then change it. Not for anyone else but for you (no offense BSB). None taken. I completely agree. quote: Because truly, it is only with that motivation in mind, that makes it become successful. Again, I agree 100% quote: Look, obviously this woman is as crazy about you as you are about her. Relax. Enjoy it. Trust that she does and that you're more than worthy of it. Because you are. So is she. Ain't love grand??? [;)] Thank you SD.. You rock![:D]

MadRabbit -> RE: Insecurity (8/6/2007 6:41:00 PM)
I would laugh, but not sure if that was an insult or a joke [;)]

KMsAngel -> RE: Insecurity (8/6/2007 6:42:40 PM)
insult??? i'd forgotten i meant to get your black paws... i just remembered. but otherwise it's a joke.

MadRabbit -> RE: Insecurity (8/6/2007 6:43:47 PM)
Oh wait, endear and not endure LOL. Your not the only one who needs sleep. And I need those paws for spanking! [:D]

dawntreader -> RE: Insecurity (8/6/2007 6:56:57 PM)
Greetings Michael, i must have missed a thread[:)], while i knew there was someone special in your life, i did not know it was the beautiful BSB! my best wishes to you both and if you get a room, invite us all as KMsAngel suggested! But to address your post. i have liked you even when you posted arrogantly. While i might not have agreed with your approach, your message usually had validity to it. However, i do like you alot better now. You seem to have a sense of depth,compasion and empathy that was missing before. As to sharing your insecurities - that was very brave and it is nice to know you a little better. i can relate to insecurities as most people can. This has been a year for me to address mine and take away their power. It is not easy but i have made some progress, so i am encouraged. i had quite an epiphany this spring during a relationship crisis, in which i came face to face with my needs, wants and desires. It deepened my path of submission and changed the way i view most things in my life, including the face i see reflected in the mirror and my future relationships.Some insecurities i will always have but i have made peace with them - they don't control me - i have just learned to co-exist with them. It works. i am sure you will manage your insecurities to your benefit...like others here, i have confidence in your ability to succeed[:)]

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