quote:

ORIGINAL: came4U

I'm just glad I am not sick and in need of a nurse.

I might get electo-shock therapy for having a knee twitch.

I will return if/when the OP does.

quote:

JillianElaine,
 
Please listen to me very carefully, because at this point I am terrified for you.   RUN, do not walk, away from this man as fast as you can.  You are in extreme danger with him.  If you stay with this man, he will hurt you in ways that will scar you for life emotionally and possibly physically.  I speak from experience here.  I was a slave to a sociopathic, emotionally abusive man.  It started out as us being friends.  He was charming, extremely intelligent, funny, and in general fun to talk to.  I grew to respect him.  As soon as I became his slave, everything changed, and because of the damage he did, I have had to work very hard to regain my sense of self-worth.  Nobody is worth giving that up for.   Relationships are a two-way street.   
 
Look at what you are already saying: 
 
There is no desire from him for me.....He has no emotional feelings.....how can i get through the weeks when I am near insane with desire.  as when i do communicate my want for him... he punishes the push with an even greater wait and mental upset of how unappreciative of everything i Do have.....i am so hungry for subspace at the moment, i am considering things dangerous to everything i value.....

NOTHING you do will EVER ever be good enough for this man. 
 
He is mentally ill:
 

ANTI-SOCIAL PERSONALITY DISORDER DSM IV 301.70

EXPLANATION
Individuals with an Antisocial Personality Disorder show a lack of concern toward the expectations and rules of society and usually frequently become involved in at least minor violations of the rules of society and the rights of others.  A popular term for this type of individual is “sociopath”.  Although the diagnosis is limited to those persons over eighteen years of age, it usually involves a history of antisocial behavior before the age of fifteen.  The individual often displays a pattern of lying, truancy, delinquency, substance abuse, running away from home and may have difficulty with the law.  As an adult, the person often commits acts that are against the law and/or fails to live up to the requirements of a job, financial responsibility, or parenting responsibilities.  They tend to have difficulty sustaining a long term marital relationship and frequently are involved in alcohol and drug abuse. 
SYMPTOMS
The signs and symptoms include:

1. Lack of concern regarding society’s rules and expectations.
   
2. Repeated violations of the rights of others.
   
3. Unlawful behavior.
   
4. Lack of regard for the truth
   
5. In parents, neglect or abuse of children.
   
6. Lack of a steady job.  Frequent job changes through quitting and/or being fired
   
7. Tendencies toward physical aggression and extreme irritability.

TREATMENT
Currently, there is no widely accepted effective method of treating sociopathic personality types.  They tend to be very manipulative during treatment and tend to lie and cover up personal faults in themselves and have little insight into their behavior patterns.  They tend to exhibit short-term enthusiasm for treatment, particularly after an incident which has brought them into contact with society or the law, however, once this anxiety is relieved and reduced, they frequently drop out of treatment and fall back into the same sociopathic patterns that brought them into treatment initially.  In most cases, the prognosis remains unfavorable throughout the individual’s life-span.
An Antisocial Personality Disorder is not just a medical term for criminality.  It describes a long term pervasive personality disorder that is very resistant to treatment.  Suicide, alcoholism, vagrancy, social isolation are common among these individuals, but there is a remarkable lack of anxiety or depression for situations in which these emotions are usually expected.  In spite of their run-ins with the law, they usually present a very charming and normal facade.  Dynamically, these individuals remain fixed in earlier levels of development.  Usually there is parental rejections and/or indifference and needs for satisfaction and security are not met.  As a result, psychoanalytic theory holds that the ego which controls impulses between conscience and impulses is underdeveloped.  Behavior is usually id directed due to this lack of ego strength, a result is a need for immediate gratification.  An immature superego allows the individual to pursue gratification regardless of the means and without experiencing any of the feelings of guilt.  Functioning has been implicated as an important doctrine in determining whether an individual develops this disorder.  Usually the following circumstances are predisposed factors:

1. Absence of parental discipline.
   
2. Extreme poverty.
   
3. Removal from the home.
   
4. Growing up without parental figures of both sexes.
   
5. Erratic, inconsistent discipline.
   
6. Being “rescued” each time the person is in trouble and never having to suffer the consequences of his own behavior.
   
7. Maternal deprivation and lack of an appropriate “attachment”.

This problem is much more prevalent in males than females.  If present in females, it usually occurs at the onset of puberty.  In males the onset is usually earlier on in childhood.  Behaviors can diminish somewhat after the age of thirty when the individual seems to “mellow out” and learns more effective ways of staying within the system.  Clients tend to be very manipulative and lack motivation for change.  They very rarely seek therapy voluntarily and they are usually forced into therapy through some involvement with the law or other aspects of their life.  History also reveals significant impairment in social, marital, and occupational functioning.  Therapists relate that these clients tend to lack emotional attachment to others.  They tend to be personable, charming, and engaging and are usually above average in intelligence.  This demeanor, however, is often a pretense intended to deceive others and facilitate the exploitation of others.  Emotional reactions tend to be extreme and these individuals tend to lack concern for other people’s feelings, be preoccupied with their own interests, and tend to have grandiose expressions of their own importance.  Insight and judgment are usually poor as is their responsiveness to therapy.  Therapy should focus on helping the individual develop a trusting relationship with other significant people in their lives; children, spouses, etc.  The client also needs to learn healthy ways to deal with anxiety and learn to postpone or defer gratification of impulses as a positive step toward developing a more mature and socially more positive way of interacting with others.  Focus should also be on promoting development of alternate constructive methods of interacting with others rather than manipulation for self gain.  Progress should be measured in terms of self control and use of appropriately assertive rather than aggressive behaviors to gain desired responses.   Anxiety and frustration also need to be recognized and diminished and the client also needs to focus on appropriate means of management of these two emotions which tend to cause the greatest conflict with authority and others.  Response to therapy is usually very poor, tends to be long term.  However, most of these clients do discontinue therapy prematurely and only remain if forced or coerced which further complicates treatment.
 
Please check out these links to help protect yourself:
 
http://www.kalimunro.com/newsletter5.html#links
 
http://www.womanabuseprevention.com/html/emotional_abuse_facts.html
 
http://www.womanabuseprevention.com/html/emotional_abuse.html
 
http://www.womanabuseprevention.com/html/abuse_signs.html
 
He tells you that for the first time in his life,  he has a feeling of love and that it stems from your acceptance of him as he is.......that is bullshit.  He is saying that to control you.  He is incapable of feeling emotion.  I am sorry if I am coming across too forcefully, but I am truly terrified for you.  Nobody has the right to do what he's doing.  If you are interested, please send me a private e-mail and I will give you my Yahoo i.d. and we can further chat about this if you'd like.  I will be happy to offer whatever assistance I can. 
 
Taryn

quote:

ORIGINAL: JillianElaine

i am new to collarme and new to the forums... and i think this is my first post... i don't know whether this question should best be asked to other submissives or to Dominants, so i believe i will post it in both places... as my soul feels stretched thin.

i had always thought myself to be an experienced submissive, having served two Doms... one ended peacefully, the second i served til his death.  i took a break from the lifestyle after that pain and moved into vanilla which ended "not peacefully". 

Sounds to me as if you were already stretched a bit thin from your unhappy vanilla experience when you met this next man. Rebound?? Never the best starting place for making rational decisions about a new relationship.

During the "not peacefully" i met a dominant man... naturally dominant... who holds a strength of character and determination of self which i have never experienced before.  I happily settled with him as i found him incredibly attractive, honorable and true.  His physical beauty/heightened masculinity and intelligence has me in a vice grip.

Attraction is a transient thing, will he still be as physically beautiful in 10, 20, 30 years time? or by then will he just be an ugly coldhearted man? Vice grip might just be a turn of phrase, but it conjures up the impression of feeling trapped, rather than consensual companionship to me.

We have a wonderful day to day life.  I am safe and protected.  We laugh and enjoy each others company and account for 95% of each others time.

I find it hard to reconcile this statement with the concept that he is going through 2-3 women a week. He must be one quick worker to do that in 5% of the time!

His understanding Ds is not as great as mine.  he has read some, and would read more if he knew what to read... however things must flow to him instead of me pushing books and reading on him.

Someone unwilling to learn from someone more experienced in a particular field is a red flag to me.

My distress is found in our sexuality. 

His mind is quite sociopathic.  He has no emotional feelings.  For him sex is tied up in power over the woman.  In how much they want him and how he can deny them once they have had him.  He goes through 2 perhaps 3 women each week in this manner.  Breaking hearts left and right.

One can only hope that he thoroughly understands and practises safe sex! Every single time. This alone would scare me away. A sub trusts their Dominant with their life both in bdsm play and sexually if they are engaged in sex together ... this is not trustworthy behaviour!

He explains that sex to him is simply a task to get to the power over the "toys"... and that his love is with me.  That for the first time in his life he has a feeling of love and that it comes from my understanding and acceptance and support of him. 

Sorry but this smacks of "you're the first bunny I've found willing to put up with this, omg they're called submissives, this is great! If all I have to do is say I love you occasionally to get you to hang around, look after my comfort needs, be a companion when I've not got another fish on my hook, and only once in a while do I have to steel myself to have sex with you, this is cool!"
 
OK that's more blunt and cruel than I usually am, but seriously girl ... is this where your self esteem is??

He goes on to say that when we (he and I) are sexual, it is love and it is passion.  That it is not a task for him in any way, but an honest expression of his care for me.

Does he leave the light on? Are his eyes open and gazing into yours? I doubt it somehow.

These moments are few few few and far far far in between.  We are talking 4 to 6 to 8 weeks in between being wanted/desired, and during those times, he is working his toys... phone calls, emails, sex.  The sexual vibe is always heavy in the house.

My pulse is heightened, my breath is always quickened, my arousal seems always present.  Yet there is no want of me.  There is no desire from him for me.

Of course not, he is loving having you on a string like a puppet ... or like some fishermen play with a fish on their line ... or like a cat with a mouse ... choose your analogy! Could there be more of a power trip than being around someone who clearly wants you, desires you all the time, and you continually deny them because you're spilling your seed into others??

So why do i stay..  because he.. we.. have become everything to me. because so much is good.  I have never felt this deep and genuine and immense care, love and attraction in my life.  And i have never had the love of a highly attractive man... i have always been the unattractive girl. maybe this is how it is.

BULLSHIT! It doesn't have to be this way just because, at the moment, he happens to be more attractive than you in your eyes (do others see it the same way I wonder?). How can you think he cares for you with his callous attitude towards you regarding other women? Are you thinking that as a slave it is up to you to accept this? It doesn't sound like this is what you signed up for, and neither is it meeting your needs. It would be entirely different if this was a consensual poly situation where he had need of, and use of, a number of girls who were committed to him and to whom he was committed, and you knew that when you got into the relationship. This man has an ego a mile wide and you are doing neither yourself nor himself any favours by feeding it.   

so what is my question... how can i get through the weeks when I am near insane with desire.  as when i do communicate my want for him... he punishes the push with an even greater wait and mental upset of how unappreciative of everything i Do have.

i am so hungry for subspace at the moment, i am considering things dangerous to everything i value.

I am curious as to what you are considering here. If you mean leaving and finding someone else ... then that should be because you value yourself more highly than he does.

please give me some guidance of how to keep my head focused. 

quote:

ORIGINAL: came4U

THAT is not an over-reaction??

quote:

I do not consider it an over-reaction.

quote:

ORIGINAL: celticlord2112
I do not consider it an over-reaction.