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RE: I'm getting too old for heartache (-.-) - 8/20/2007 5:16:23 AM

Bobkgin

Posts: 1335
Joined: 7/28/2007
From: Kawarthas, Ontario, Canada
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quote:

ORIGINAL: meatcleaver

quote:

ORIGINAL: Bobkgin
Granted it is online, but it is the 21st century and relationships are more and more defined by the degree of connectivity we have with one another, electronically as well as in other ways.

If you need to learn a lesson twice you have a problem. I had one online relationship which was rather stupid because I could have been having a real one. Anyway, I didn't take notice of the red flags going up like the conditions she required me to fullfill before we met which were set high. Once I fullfilled them she told me to badically fuck off. It made me realise I didn't know who the fuck the bitch was, that I was projecting my fantasies onto her and that she was a sexually frustrated cock tease who desperately wanted sex but was scared of it.

Having since listened to many other bloke's experiences I have come to the conclusion that most females on the net are cock teasers and are sexually frustrated and while they fantasize about wild perverted sex, they won't even carry through their sex talk into real life vanilla sex. In fact the chances of getting any woman to meet you are very very very small indeed, if there is a chance at all.

Just take it as a lesson learnt and ignore the cock teasers. Perhaps they will then go out into the real world and get them selves a life and get used to experiencing real sex.

I am not pursuing online relationships, nor online sex.

I am using the internet as a medium for contact and initial discussions that should lead to a meeting and whatever may follow that.

These are not people who approach me saying "Hey baby, want a good time".

These are people who portray themselves as outcasts because they believe they're too fat, or too ugly, or too anything that is superficial and of no real consequence in a loving relationship.

Perhaps the mistake is in giving them hope and trying to encourage them to think better of themselves.

Gods ... re-reading my last sentence and I wonder what kind of heartless world we are creating for ourselves that we have to avoid the down-trodden to avoid being scammed.

(in reply to meatcleaver)

Post #: 21

RE: I'm getting too old for heartache (-.-) - 8/20/2007 5:26:29 AM

Bobkgin

Posts: 1335
Joined: 7/28/2007
From: Kawarthas, Ontario, Canada
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quote:

ORIGINAL: came4U

I don't get this 'heartbroken' thing from online. Stop falling for people just like that, simple.

Are you too old for it? IMO yes. Life after 40 honestly shouldn't be sooo complicated and one shouldn't be so easily displaced by something so darn 'virtual'.

It is interesting listen to people talk down about the internet. It is a tool, like the telephone. Honest people use it, dishonest people use it.

As for falling for people, well, I thought that was the point to dating: you're supposed to find someone special and fall for her.

As for too old, you may well be right there.

It was just over a year sgo that I learned my slave/wife had cancer, that it had spread, and that she wasn't likely to live. It was a year ago last weekend that she went in for an operation from which she never survived. It was a few months ago that my son died from choking on food.

In a little over a year I've gone from being Master/Husband/Father to being someone's fantasy fodder.

It was not my idea to be a bachelor at 50.

(in reply to came4U)

Post #: 22

RE: I'm getting too old for heartache (-.-) - 8/20/2007 5:36:00 AM

Aileen68

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Joined: 8/2/2005
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You need to learn how to connect with people the same way that you connected with the people that were and are in your life before the internet...trust your instincts and judgements and stick to your values. Don't pick people that need to be "saved". Pick people that you want to have a healthy relationship with. It's not necessary to be the knight in shining armor in order to meet someone. As you can see, that's not working.
Sorry for your losses.

(in reply to Bobkgin)

Post #: 23

RE: I'm getting too old for heartache (-.-) - 8/20/2007 5:38:40 AM

Bobkgin

Posts: 1335
Joined: 7/28/2007
From: Kawarthas, Ontario, Canada
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: wandersalone

I have to say that I would be hesitant to have contact with you for fear that I would end up as thread fodder…..

The hazards of dating a writer.

quote:

ORIGINAL: wandersalone

having said that…

Yes it is the 21st century and yes a lot of people meet others initially online and there are a lot of people who have successful meetings and friendships with others so it may help to look at what is making your experiences different.

Well, "a lot" sounds good. 10% of a million people is "a lot" of people, but the 90% is an even greater number of people.

Lots of people will share the good news when they have some. Very few share the bad news that they've quit looking.

So much for anecdotal wisdom.

As for why my experiences are different. They're not. They're just not often discussed in public (who wants to look like a loser, and how many 'domly doms' love to seize the opportunity to make that point if a master opens up his heart to show he's a feeling human being too).

BDSM has never been a very safe place for the domly types to show emotional vulnerability (and don't they hate me for doing it anyway).

Personally, I don't think I can chase off a woman suited for me with posts like this. By definition, "a woman suited for me" is going to see me for who I am, see my heart for what it is, and cherish me for the heart I have.

Of course, she is also likely as rare as hen's teeth and is nowhere near this forum.

(in reply to wandersalone)

Post #: 24

RE: I'm getting too old for heartache (-.-) - 8/20/2007 6:09:41 AM

KatyLied

Posts: 13029
Joined: 2/24/2005
From: Pennsylvania
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Do you expect subs to make "vows" to you before you meet them in real time? That seems odd to me and it's something I certainly would not agree to. And if someone wanted to make "vows" to me before we met and spent real time together I would consider him desperate (and dependent) and definitely not the sort that would make suitable relationship material.

_____________________________

“If you want to live a happy life, tie it to a goal, not to people or things.”
- Albert Einstein

(in reply to Bobkgin)

Post #: 25

RE: I'm getting too old for heartache (-.-) - 8/20/2007 6:11:42 AM

Bobkgin

Posts: 1335
Joined: 7/28/2007
From: Kawarthas, Ontario, Canada
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Aileen68

You need to learn how to connect with people the same way that you connected with the people that were and are in your life before the internet...trust your instincts and judgements and stick to your values. Don't pick people that need to be "saved". Pick people that you want to have a healthy relationship with. It's not necessary to be the knight in shining armor in order to meet someone. As you can see, that's not working.
Sorry for your losses.

Thank you.

I don't pick people who appear to be in need of saving. I may well send such people encouraging notes, but I do not invite them to consider me as a potential mate.

I usually pick people whose profile sounds like a good match for me.

It isn't until the discussions that I learn fo their experiences and their need.

I've never been very good at running out on people in need of help. It isn't until they show me that not only do they not want help, but they are determined to stay in their current situation that I let go and move on.

It is tragic to watch these people invest themselves in a vicious cycle that destroys their sense of self-worth, and it is impossible to break them out of it.

I think they grow so comfortable with low self-esteem that the thought of actually being desired scares the hell out of them. To risk their safe place with a relationship means facing the possibility of rejection and pain over something far more meaningful than looks or weight.

It's easy for them to console themselves that they've only been rejected for superficial reasons. But to put their character to the test and to be expected to live up to their words: those are things that are anything but superficial and the pain of discovering your word is meaningless far more devastating.

They seem to think it is better for them to run away from such opportunities and embrace the shallow rejections they'd been getting before me.

There they can thrive on the false sense of moral superiority they have over the wannabe 'doms'.

on edit: They don't realize the tragic irony: that they are no less dishonest and no less superficial than the wannabes they bitch about.

I never enter a discussion without the thought that I am looking for a healthy relationship.

But like Forrest says: "Life is like a box of chocolates: you never know what you're going to get."

< Message edited by Bobkgin -- 8/20/2007 6:18:11 AM >

(in reply to Aileen68)

Post #: 26

RE: I'm getting too old for heartache (-.-) - 8/20/2007 6:14:52 AM

came4U

Posts: 3572
Joined: 1/23/2007
From: London, Ontario
Status: offline

quote:

It is interesting listen to people talk down about the internet. It is a tool, like the telephone. Honest people use it, dishonest people use it.

sometimes you get what you pay for.

Besides, if someone doesn't show up, move on. If it is a heartache, consider not putting yourself out there/heart on your sleeve until you actually meet a few times and try to leave some distance between this (mail, chats) and reality.

quote:

Personally, I don't think I can chase off a woman suited for me with posts like this. By definition, "a woman suited for me" is going to see me for who I am, see my heart for what it is, and cherish me for the heart I have.

Of course, she is also likely as rare as hen's teeth and is nowhere near this forum.

It just seems like every forum you discuss some woe and then near the end of the discussion you diss the very people/women in this community by little tidbits of garbled insults. But, I have only seen a few of your posts.

quote:

BDSM has never been a very safe place for the domly types to show emotional vulnerability (and don't they hate me for doing it anyway).

Some men show vulnerability, but not in ways that have 'whining' or 'pity me' written all over it.

quote:

Lots of people will share the good news when they have some. Very few share the bad news that they've quit looking.

same as above. Quit or don't quit looking, it is a personal, private choice.

quote:

As for why my experiences are different. They're not. They're just not often discussed in public

yes, they are, often. He/she didn't show up topics, He/she was a fraud forums, He/she lied to me, He/she sent me nasty mail.

yesterday you had a stalker? I'm so confused. Is this the same gal?

< Message edited by came4U -- 8/20/2007 6:29:26 AM >

(in reply to Bobkgin)

Post #: 27

RE: I'm getting too old for heartache (-.-) - 8/20/2007 6:31:50 AM

Bobkgin

Posts: 1335
Joined: 7/28/2007
From: Kawarthas, Ontario, Canada
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: came4U

quote:

Personally, I don't think I can chase off a woman suited for me with posts like this. By definition, "a woman suited for me" is going to see me for who I am, see my heart for what it is, and cherish me for the heart I have.

Of course, she is also likely as rare as hen's teeth and is nowhere near this forum.

It just seems like every forum you discuss some woe and then near the end of the discussion you diss the very people/women in this community by little tidbits of garbled insults. But, I have only seen a few of your posts.

I claim a belief that the woman suited for me is rare, and you claim that insults people here? (o.O)

quote:

ORIGINAL: came4U

quote:

BDSM has never been a very safe place for the domly types to show emotional vulnerability (and don't they hate me for doing it anyway).

Some men show vulnerability, but not in ways that have 'whining' or 'pity me' written all over it.

One person's "pity party" is another person's "courage".

I've long since stopped worrying about which way I'm seen. Those who are shallow will see "whining", those who are deeper will see the courage.

Just another way of distinguishing those who are suited for me from those who are not.

When a writer is suitably inspired there is a need to express the inspiration. If I was the type to worry about what others think of me I wouldn't say anything at all.

quote:

ORIGINAL: came4U

quote:

As for why my experiences are different. They're not. They're just not often discussed in public

yes, they are, often. He/she didn't show up topics, He/she was a fraud forums, He/she lied to me, He/she sent me nasty mail.

Apparently more people have found the courage to express those feelings since last I frequented a bdsm discussion group.

Good. I always felt there wasn't enough courage in the community for people to be openly genuine.

Always thought what a pity that was.

Nice to hear that things have improved.

Must be tough on those still afraid of being vulnerable tho'.

(in reply to came4U)

Post #: 28

RE: I'm getting too old for heartache (-.-) - 8/20/2007 6:36:16 AM

came4U

Posts: 3572
Joined: 1/23/2007
From: London, Ontario
Status: offline

If you choose to be THAT vulnerable, don't complain after the fact then when someone breaks your lil internet heart.

(in reply to Bobkgin)

Post #: 29

RE: I'm getting too old for heartache (-.-) - 8/20/2007 6:36:19 AM

Bobkgin

Posts: 1335
Joined: 7/28/2007
From: Kawarthas, Ontario, Canada
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: came4U
yesterday you had a stalker? I'm so confused. Is this the same gal?

No, it is not.

I'd have thought that obvious, unless you are suggesting I suffer heartache at the loss of a stalker (o.O)

(in reply to came4U)

Post #: 30

RE: I'm getting too old for heartache (-.-) - 8/20/2007 6:44:13 AM

came4U

Posts: 3572
Joined: 1/23/2007
From: London, Ontario
Status: offline

Sorry, between heartaches and fatal attractions it is hard to keep track of a guy with such issues. What will tomorrow bring?

(in reply to Bobkgin)

Post #: 31

RE: I'm getting too old for heartache (-.-) - 8/20/2007 6:44:33 AM

Bobkgin

Posts: 1335
Joined: 7/28/2007
From: Kawarthas, Ontario, Canada
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: came4U

If you choose to be THAT vulnerable, don't complain after the fact then when someone breaks your lil internet heart.

You know, if vulnerability makes you uncomfortable, you'd be well-advised to avoid my topics.

Obviously, not everyone wants to get in touch with their feelings, and seeing others do this can be quite upsetting.

I won't think any less of you if you decide to not waste your time handing out bad advice to someone who knows better.

(in reply to came4U)

Post #: 32

RE: I'm getting too old for heartache (-.-) - 8/20/2007 6:54:49 AM

Bobkgin

Posts: 1335
Joined: 7/28/2007
From: Kawarthas, Ontario, Canada
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: came4U

Sorry, between heartaches and fatal attractions it is hard to keep track of a guy with such issues. What will tomorrow bring?

The price of being an intelligent, articulate, honest, sincere, sensitive Master who has lost his family to cancer and tragedy, awash in a sea of wannabe 'doms' for whom sensitivity is a dirty word.

There has been no lack of people writing me since I arrived.

I wonder why? (o.O)

Unfortunately, those who could bring an end to this experience have not shown up.

Perhaps they are not here.

Perhaps they don't exist.

(in reply to came4U)

Post #: 33

RE: I'm getting too old for heartache (-.-) - 8/20/2007 6:59:25 AM

came4U

Posts: 3572
Joined: 1/23/2007
From: London, Ontario
Status: offline

sigh...

Every man is a wannabe dom now?

To me, there is sensitivity and a quiet, undisrupted type of guy who settles curiously in the corner with a stronger value in and for manner and privacy. I prefer that type, not everyone does, but I do.

So carry on, with your carrying on. Its free, and I got what I paid for.

(in reply to Bobkgin)

Post #: 34

RE: I'm getting too old for heartache (-.-) - 8/20/2007 7:12:50 AM

KatyLied

Posts: 13029
Joined: 2/24/2005
From: Pennsylvania
Status: offline

The way to stop a swirl of drama surrounding you is to live quietly and not contribute to the drama.

Perhaps they are not here.
Perhaps they don't exist.

I used to feel this way about finding the dom of my dreams. I realized that instead of waiting and hoping, I'm going to live my life without him. If he shows up fine, if he doesn't that's okay too. Life is much better since I've unburdened myself of attempts to "find" him.

_____________________________

“If you want to live a happy life, tie it to a goal, not to people or things.”
- Albert Einstein

(in reply to came4U)

Post #: 35

RE: I'm getting too old for heartache (-.-) - 8/20/2007 7:16:00 AM

Bobkgin

Posts: 1335
Joined: 7/28/2007
From: Kawarthas, Ontario, Canada
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: KatyLied

Do you expect subs to make "vows" to you before you meet them in real time?

No, I do not.

quote:

ORIGINAL: KatyLied
And if someone wanted to make "vows" to me before we met and spent real time together I would consider him desperate (and dependent) and definitely not the sort that would make suitable relationship material.

I think that depends very much upon how mainstream you are. The closer you get to vanilla, the easier it is to find partners.

The further you get, the harder it is, and thus the more desperate one is likely to become out of sheer loneliness and an inability to find a compassionate, loving partner.

That's what leads these people into the vicious cycle I spoke of earlier.

(in reply to KatyLied)

Post #: 36

RE: I'm getting too old for heartache (-.-) - 8/20/2007 7:22:50 AM

came4U

Posts: 3572
Joined: 1/23/2007
From: London, Ontario
Status: offline

sigh, that's what leads 'these people'??

I don't see those people.

I do see that this went from someone not showing up to meet, to analysing that people have low self esteem and other such issues and disclosing about your past and deathly depressing uhhhhhhhhhh. stuff.

what exactly is the topic now?

< Message edited by came4U -- 8/20/2007 7:26:42 AM >

(in reply to Bobkgin)

Post #: 37

RE: I'm getting too old for heartache (-.-) - 8/20/2007 7:27:00 AM

Bobkgin

Posts: 1335
Joined: 7/28/2007
From: Kawarthas, Ontario, Canada
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: came4U

sigh...

Every man is a wannabe dom now?

You've a gift for hyperbole, my friend.

Perhaps you've not read enough profiles to see how many female sub/slaves complain about the wannabes.

As I have no personal experience of my own in this matter (I do not advertise for male doms), I rely on their frequently repeated complaints for my information on this.

(in reply to came4U)

Post #: 38

RE: I'm getting too old for heartache (-.-) - 8/20/2007 7:34:33 AM

came4U

Posts: 3572
Joined: 1/23/2007
From: London, Ontario
Status: offline

A wannabe can be a direct flame at anyone who doesn't suit another. Yes, 'complain' is the key word. If you see repeated complaints on that, you would see repeated complaints also on people that don't show up too.

(in reply to Bobkgin)

Post #: 39

RE: I'm getting too old for heartache (-.-) - 8/20/2007 7:36:16 AM

KatyLied

Posts: 13029
Joined: 2/24/2005
From: Pennsylvania
Status: offline

quote:

Perhaps you've not read enough profiles to see how many female sub/slaves complain about the wannabes.

Do you ever stop and wonder about people who make those protests? Ever think that perhaps they are the very people they are complaining about?

_____________________________

“If you want to live a happy life, tie it to a goal, not to people or things.”
- Albert Einstein

(in reply to Bobkgin)

Post #: 40

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