RE: stretching limits in subs...

Collarspace Discussion Forums

Home Login Search

RE: stretching limits in subs...

View related threads: (in this forum | in all forums)

Logged in as: Guest

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> General BDSM Discussion >> RE: stretching limits in subs...

Page: << < prev 1 2 [3] 4 next > >>

Login

Message

<< Older Topic Newer Topic >>

RE: stretching limits in subs... - 8/29/2007 4:43:20 PM

Redoubt

Posts: 185
Joined: 8/11/2007
Status: offline

I definitely believe that some peoples hard limits are inviolate, such as death, kids, amputation - either illegal, or something you can't change once you've done it.

One of mine is scat, because frankly, it turns me off so badly, I would just not be able to undo it in my mind.

But other limits are often things we misunderstand, are afraid of, afraid of how we think others would perceive us or more importantly what we would think of ourselves. On one side, I can relate... after all, we're flawed human beings, but the other part of me thinks "how narrow minded we are sometimes if we can't try something that won't do any permanent harm or have any irreversible effects"

For example I had one submissive who absolutely loved penetrative sex in all three orifices and with dildos, and you might think she'd love the idea of having "all holes filled" by 3 horny studs... but no, she had a hard limit there, because she believed she'd never want to be a "slut" like that, and wouldn't be able to look at herself the same again. Part of me wanted to challenge that limited and 19th century self perception, but the other part of me didn't want to change who she was.

So if the hard limit is there to stop people becoming someone they don't want to be, we have to ask ourselves, why would I want them different from who they are. Sometimes, they want to become something more and at that time we can look at exploring their limits, other times they are quite happy being them and we should respect those boundaries without testing them. But without knowing where those boundaries come from, and without people willing to discuss the boundaries without thinking "Hey, they just want to see how serious a limit that is" we are failing at the relationship by not communicating our standards, motives and desires.

(in reply to Celeste43)

Post #: 41

RE: stretching limits in subs... - 8/29/2007 5:08:21 PM

Tigrita

Posts: 484
Joined: 8/16/2007
From: California
Status: offline

quote:

So if the hard limit is there to stop people becoming someone they don't want to be, we have to ask ourselves, why would I want them different from who they are. Sometimes, they want to become something more and at that time we can look at exploring their limits, other times they are quite happy being them and we should respect those boundaries without testing them. But without knowing where those boundaries come from, and without people willing to discuss the boundaries without thinking "Hey, they just want to see how serious a limit that is" we are failing at the relationship by not communicating our standards, motives and desires.

Redoubt, that is beautifully put. I think it is important for Doms to realize this in terms of the non-physically destructive limits that subs (like me!) might have on abstract things that affect percieved social identity and self image and just aren't ready to be pushed yet. Maybe some day, maybe not. Constant communication is really important from both sides. It is hard sometimes to admit that we aren't as strong as we want to be, and to leave some limits intact and not push them just for the hell of it. Thank you for saying it, and so very well.

(in reply to Redoubt)

Post #: 42

RE: stretching limits in subs... - 8/29/2007 5:11:02 PM

LeatherBentOne

Posts: 469
Joined: 9/27/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyRope

from my experience,there are soft limits and hard ones..the soft ones you do try and test and then eventually push past.,those are the (well,I dont really like what you want to do,but its something you would enjoy,so ok) .however the hard ones,are tabu,,prohibited,and should be respected as such and all this should have been negostiated or discussed well in advance of any kind of play...I think its simple..However I do agree with LA in that many,far to many submissives dont know what their hard limits are ,which can be very dangerous in my opinion.. so ,to answer your question NO you are not wrong and if anybody tells you that you are ,I think its a large red flag....and head for the hills

Make that a ditto.

(in reply to LadyRope)

Post #: 43

RE: stretching limits in subs... - 8/29/2007 7:53:00 PM

mylittlesub

Posts: 30
Joined: 6/3/2005
Status: offline

I think the key thing in any discussion of limits is the phrase "know thyself". For me, the greatest thing I've discovered while exploring my BDSM dreams is the continual self-discovery. Things I would have thought ten years ago that I would NEVER do.... I've done, and smile every time I remember them

After all, when I was five I swore I would NEVER eat spinach...

Those who believe they would never want limits 'pushed' might want to be a little more self-reflective... for me, I see it as a personal challenge. If I trust my Master (and I do, or I wouldn't be here), then it is up to me to a) be fully self-aware and honest with both myself and with him about where my head is, b) communicate with him openly and without fear of judgement or reprisal, and c) be willing to open my mind to new possibilities.

That's not to say that things like illegal activities, scat, blood, etc, really aren't hard limits... but many other things might be open for consideration given the right mood, the right Person, and plenty of maturity, humor, and trust. I've learned never to say never, and always believe always might not be so.

Humbly submitted...
@>-'--,----

(in reply to Celeste43)

Post #: 44

RE: stretching limits in subs... - 8/29/2007 10:15:07 PM

fairerthanshe

Posts: 3035
Joined: 1/18/2007
Status: offline

Once upon a time, I had a hard limits list a mile long with responses such as "Not no, but Hell NO!" In no way were my limits to be stretched.

It has been a pretty wonderful journey giving it all up for him, the diminishment of my resistance, no longer making any of the decisions. He has that power now and will play with me as he sees fit and according to his desires.

Now, I have stretching exercises...

well wishes ~ fairer than she

_____________________________

The Nuclear Bomb of Awesome, rockin' the MoFo Hawk, still a bad-ass with a bouncy attitude, and spreading joy as a predator in Hello Kitty panties

Recently honored with membership in the West Coast Assholes

(in reply to hobbit9sub4u)

Post #: 45

RE: stretching limits in subs... - 8/29/2007 11:27:02 PM

brattybrandi

Posts: 31
Joined: 7/8/2007
Status: offline

    You know I actualy had a similar conversation regarding this with a friend of mine, very recently. I am a masochistic submissive, I enjoy pain immensely. But however a few of my hard limits that i have very little do with the fear of doing them it has everything to do with my own kinks. They do not appeal to me. For example Knives & cutting. Not appealing, very painful, & could possibly be enjoyable, but I'm not into blood while playing it would be a huge turn off & may ruin a scene. And needles are another one of mine, for basicaly the same reason.
     Although in regards to pushing those limits. That's another story. I currently find myself in a situation a bit perplexing to me, that has me looking way in to the future. Finding the scene play that I have been doing with my Dom, rather lacking in variety. To where i used to get wet & excited in anticipation of what was to come. Now it has gotten to where It feels like a regular date with the same ole BDSM kink to it. I know basicaly the entire dynamics of the evening before they unfold. Definitely lacking in the excitement that once used to be there.
     My discusion that i had with my friend went something along the lines of... What do you do when you find yourself becoming indifferent or bored. Do you raise the notch, up the bar so to speak? Allow limits to be pushed? For the sake of keeping a relationship alive & fresh. And how far do you go. Do you push your own safety & sanity for that matter. I knew my answer was yes. There are several extreme hard limits i have that i can definitely see pushing in the future when the time calls for it.

(in reply to BoiJen)

Post #: 46

RE: stretching limits in subs... - 8/30/2007 7:22:30 AM

Missokyst

Posts: 6041
Joined: 9/9/2006
Status: offline

And I still contend some of us actually DO know ourselves. That's why the limits we have are in place. I am not talking about so called "soft limits" you are not sure of trying. For me those will always be subject to who I am playing with, and how much I trust him. My limits in this case are what is the limit of my trust in this guy beside me. Not in MY limits, which are in fact, untouchable.
Soft limits are just areas you haven't explored, found any interest in up till now, or you have no knowlege of whatsoever.
Tastes change with age. Limits are limits, in my view. And that comes from knowing myself.
Kyst

quote:

ORIGINAL: mylittlesub

I think the key thing in any discussion of limits is the phrase "know thyself".

Those who believe they would never want limits 'pushed' might want to be a little more self-reflective... for me, I see it as a personal challenge.

_____________________________

pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding ~Gibran, Kahlil

“The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for.”
― Bob Marley

(in reply to mylittlesub)

Post #: 47

RE: stretching limits in subs... - 8/30/2007 7:33:28 AM

apiercedkitty

Posts: 569
Joined: 2/22/2007
From: Michigan
Status: offline

If your limits are not flexible, then they're hard limits... as a newbie, we tend to have more limts than a more seasoned sub/slave. i know i have grown a lot even in the almost 2 years since i started searching into this lifestyle. Most of that is because i met a FABULOUS Dom whom i could trust explicitly. He not only pushed my physical limits but, more importantly to me, my mental ones as well. i think limits are there both to protect us and to be tested - with the right person(s). i've always tried to keep an open mind and the philosophy that i'm willing to try most anything (excepting the hard limits, of course) with the right person.
my advice is to find someone that you trust - right out of the gate... i think we all have a bit of a natural ability to make good first judgements... get to know that person and then the trust will grow from there...
Good luck!

_____________________________

normal is a setting on a washing machine...

(in reply to hobbit9sub4u)

Post #: 48

RE: stretching limits in subs... - 8/30/2007 7:43:12 AM

apiercedkitty

Posts: 569
Joined: 2/22/2007
From: Michigan
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Tigrita

Has anyone ever experienced a new limit they did not anticipate, while restrained? Either psychological (like causing a panic attack) or physical? This thought scares me, it seems every day I hear of something new and think "wow, people are actually into that?!". I'm not judging people who are into really unusual things, it just continuously amazes me, the infinite creativity in this world, and sometimes my first reaction is that I wouldn't be comfortable with this situation/activity. It makes me kind of nervous to enter a situation where I don't know what is coming, but discussing every detail would certainly take much of the excitement out of things that I would enjoy or at least be okay with. I know it is about trust, but sometimes unexpected things can trigger really bad reactions that you don't anticipate and aren't really logical and have nothing to do with trust. Just wondering if anyone has experienced this kind of thing and how they handled it at the time and how they suggest avoiding it. Yes, I'm a newbie w/o much actual scening experience.

you said part of it yourself - that it's about trust. It's also about communication... we must communicate enough for the Dom to have a pretty decent grasp on your reactions - so that He/She can stop before things get out of hand.

_____________________________

normal is a setting on a washing machine...

(in reply to Tigrita)

Post #: 49

RE: stretching limits in subs... - 8/30/2007 12:07:10 PM

Switchblayde

Posts: 40
Joined: 6/3/2007
Status: offline

I have a few hard limits and others that I'm more flexible with. Master knows and respects my limits and pushes the flexible ones when he thinks I'm ready. I trust him implicitly.
Then there are limits that I like to push, to test myself........ fetishes that I enjoy more than him. Some, in areas where he, by his own admission, is not experienced. I'm talking whips. Master would happily lend me to a Whipmaster so that I could test myself and push my own limits, so long as safeguards were in place.

_____________________________

Jamais vaincu..........

(in reply to Celeste43)

Post #: 50

RE: stretching limits in subs... - 8/31/2007 10:30:43 AM

Aswad

Posts: 9374
Joined: 4/4/2007
Status: offline

~fr~

Someone once said: "Today's hard limit is tomorrow's fetish."

Depending on how you define "hard", that can be the case with the right person. I try to distinguish between relationship limits (the limit of how far your consent goes) and personal limits (what you think you can or cannot deal with, but which either way is within the scope of the consent you have given). The "hard" vs "soft" terminology is too ambiguous, in that one can have a personal limit that appears hard, which can still be traversed with a lot of time, effort and care, or at the very least be carefully approached. To cross such a limit can be similar to deconditioning phobias and the like.

A relationship limit, however, is unethical to attempt to cross, provided one subscribes to consent, which most of us do.

_____________________________

"If God saw what any of us did that night, he didn't seem to mind.
From then on I knew: God doesn't make the world this way.
We do." -- Rorschack, Watchmen.

(in reply to Switchblayde)

Post #: 51

RE: stretching limits in subs... - 8/31/2007 10:39:59 AM

MasterMataeo

Posts: 215
Joined: 1/24/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross

Well I am pretty much on the exact same page as you are.

But you should realize most people, specially newbies, make limits that mean "things I'm only comfortable with when I'm really horny/excited/secure" because they are inexperienced and/or scared, nothing really much to do with actual safety, reasonability or serious thinking through. They WANT their "limits" pushed, but only because they aren't really "limits" at all to begin with.

Which of course makes it even harder for the dom because some of their limits really ARE "hard" limits and the sub would get really pissed if you tried to get past those (at least if she's not horny enough first).

we must be on the same paragragh,,
limits are just that ,, limits,,
if a sub wants them pushed then they are not true limits,,
there is a differance between soft limits,, where one has thought of it,, and not tried it,, and would like to but need that little extra push to see if thye like ot or not,,
and HARD LIMITS,, which should never,,NEVER,, be crossed or even attemted to cross ,, unless it is at the will of the sub/slave..
Limits should be laied down and honored by both parties in the begiening so that their is no what if , and or buts ,,, later on down the line,,
Limits are there to protect you both ,, in may ways ,, and thus should be honored and respected,, for out of that comes the trust
just make sure you have communicated what you limits are and the reprecussions of them being crossed,,, ie.. "you will never lay your hands on me again"

hope it helps ,,,

MasterMataeo

_____________________________

remember the Four corners: Communication, Honesty, Respect , and Trust

Try anything Once, Twice if you like it, Three times to make sure, four makes it a habit, and five makes it's a fetish.

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

Post #: 52

RE: stretching limits in subs... - 8/31/2007 11:21:33 AM

SimplyMichael

Posts: 7229
Joined: 1/7/2007
Status: offline

Most people's limits are bullshit. How many worry about whether or not animals can consent all while happily munching away on a burger? To me, the only kind of limits I respect are those that undermine emotional pillars of support as Midori uses the term.

Take golden showers, the reality is that urine is quite sterile and if you are otherwise fluid bonded, the reality of the act itself is harmless. Now, if people have that as a limit because it is "icky" then fuck that, that is a limit I will push if not ignore, probably just because I love to push. Now if their dad or some asshole had pissed on them in some form of abuse, I would certainly modify how I went about it, I might even stay away from it. However, I can think of any number of reasons and corresponding approaches for crossing that boundary.

Again, like most things in bdsm it isn't about the act, it is about the motive behind it and the other person's reaction. If I piss on someone to make them think less of themselves so that I can control them easier, that is abusive. If I piss on them because being used by me puts them in an emotional place where they feel my power is greater for having used them and they get off on the more power I have, then that is hot for both of us. Same act, almost the same motivation by me, but the way they perceive it is different and knowing it would be different doesn't change my motivation but changes the meaning of the act from bad to good.

That said, 90% of people who talk about pushing limits are idiots. The limits they are pushing are usually ones that the submissive has in place to keep themselves grounded and emotionally safe. The trick is to make someone emotionally safe, and I don't mean like for an hour or a week, I mean to create a relationship where they not only FEEL safe but ARE safe. Do that and they will do almost anything for you and toss away their limits.

BSB is a Domme but is submissive to me. She makes me feel safe with her, I don't have to posture, I don't have to thump my chest and play uber dom or super stud. You want to talk about pushing limits? Try this one on. She read somewhere about a Domme who has an interesting morning ritual. We all have to pee in the morning and well instead of getting out of that warm cozy bed she just sits on top of her slave and he drinks every drop of her morning pee.

BSB really got off on this idea and so one morning I slid under her and swallowed every drop of her morning pee. It wasn't easy and sure as hell pushed my limits but I TRUSTED her that when she said my doing so wouldn't affect how she saw me, I KNEW I could rely on her word. In fact, it not only brought us closer together but she feels more submissive to than ever.

So no, I don't think much of most people's limits nor the idiots who love to push them. Myself however, I like to push mine and hers as far as I can.

(in reply to Aswad)

Post #: 53

RE: stretching limits in subs... - 8/31/2007 11:56:57 AM

SimplyMichael

Posts: 7229
Joined: 1/7/2007
Status: offline

I wanted to add something. Trust and communication are often talked about but only in the abstract. BSB and I can talk about anything with each other, ask about anything. She doesn't have to worry if it is okay to ask about a missed birthday (not me but from some other post) or anything else. She can literally ask if she can pee in my mouth and we will have a conversation about it. Allowing her to speak freely and getting her to trust that we will have a heart to heart discussion about any topic under the sun is what creates trust and security. Create that with your partner and there is no limit to where you can go together. I have never felt freer in my life than I do now. I don't have to censor myself, I have a partner who has also created that trust with me as it is a two way street.

(in reply to SimplyMichael)

Post #: 54

RE: stretching limits in subs... - 8/31/2007 8:52:47 PM

SimplyMichael

Posts: 7229
Joined: 1/7/2007
Status: offline

I sure brought this thread to a screeching halt!

(in reply to SimplyMichael)

Post #: 55

RE: stretching limits in subs... - 8/31/2007 9:22:19 PM

ownedgirlie

Posts: 9184
Joined: 2/5/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: SimplyMichael
The trick is to make someone emotionally safe, and I don't mean like for an hour or a week, I mean to create a relationship where they not only FEEL safe but ARE safe. Do that and they will do almost anything for you and toss away their limits.

The hammer just hit the nail so hard my ears are ringing. Your post after this rang just as hard.

(in reply to SimplyMichael)

Post #: 56

RE: stretching limits in subs... - 8/31/2007 10:36:42 PM

FelinePersuasion

Posts: 4792
Joined: 11/20/2004
Status: offline

The limits I never am willing to have pushed, are not because I am not self reflective, it's because those that are hard limits will damage me in some way or shape, and or cause potential for damage, and it;s just not worth it. For instance, no high heels of any kind seems a silly limit right? Well i broke both my ankles and even before that they were weak, and high heels, are proven to not be the greatest thing to wear anyway, but add instable ankles, and extra weight, and you've got one beginning of a hellish disaster.

quote:

ORIGINAL: mylittlesub

I think the key thing in any discussion of limits is the phrase "know thyself". Those who believe they would never want limits 'pushed' might want to be a little more self-reflective... \

_____________________________

Most of the time if it looks like BS, smells like BS, you probably should not t taste it to see if, in fact, it is BS.

(in reply to mylittlesub)

Post #: 57

RE: stretching limits in subs... - 8/31/2007 11:06:04 PM

DivineDarkDiva

Posts: 43
Joined: 11/25/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: hobbit9sub4u

ive read alot of profiles lately that mention stretching or testing limits, now i dont know what others feelings on this are (which is why im posting here) but my limits are there for a good reason, i dont say it is a limit simply because i dont find the activity erotic or gross in some way, when i say limit i dont mean ,"eww gross, i wont do that!" its more like , "if you do that its probobly a good chance that i will never speak to you again." am i wrong for feeling this way? what are your guys thoughts on the subject? are limits there to be tested and or broken ? or are they there to protect you? a little of both?
im truely confused as i feel guilty when i have to tell someone that my limits arnt flexible. i dont have very many but they are there.
discuss? limits, their perpose (i cant spell) and possible breaking or stretching them.

There's a very good chance anything I say will have already been said by someone who responded before I did. Even so, I'll weigh in saying that I believe in limits, and before I push or stretch any borders, I've had lots of discussion and am confident that I'm pushing past an inhibition but never beyond one's core comfort, safety or belief boundaries. I have my own limits and will not even skip along the rim of those boundaries. Why should I hold another person's boundaries in such contempt as to not afford them their due respect? My job is to maintain a safe relationship, preserving the trust and all aspects of a submissive's health and wellbeing when he has given me dominion over him. For whatever reason the limits are set, I will abide by them until there's a clear indication that we can move forward another step -- which doesn't always happen.

(in reply to hobbit9sub4u)

Post #: 58

RE: stretching limits in subs... - 8/31/2007 11:29:59 PM

umisprite

Posts: 132
Joined: 6/16/2007
Status: offline

I have maybe half a dozen limits that will not ever be pushed...that's why I call them limits. Everything else falls into the expandable horizon category.

_____________________________

My mistakes are neither pretty nor little.

(in reply to DivineDarkDiva)

Post #: 59

RE: stretching limits in subs... - 8/31/2007 11:54:21 PM

Aswad

Posts: 9374
Joined: 4/4/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: SimplyMichael

I sure brought this thread to a screeching halt!

~nods~

Not much to say here that hasn't been covered so far, save for technical aspects, which the thread isn't about.

_____________________________

"If God saw what any of us did that night, he didn't seem to mind.
From then on I knew: God doesn't make the world this way.
We do." -- Rorschack, Watchmen.

(in reply to SimplyMichael)

Post #: 60

Page: << < prev 1 2 [3] 4 next > >>

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> General BDSM Discussion >> RE: stretching limits in subs...

Page: << < prev 1 2 [3] 4 next > >>

Jump to:

New Messages	No New Messages
Hot Topic w/ New Messages	Hot Topic w/o New Messages
Locked w/ New Messages	Locked w/o New Messages

Post New Thread

Reply to Message

Post New Poll

Submit Vote

Delete My Own Post

Delete My Own Thread

Rate Posts

Collarchat.com © 2025

Terms of Service

0.109