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RE: Struggling With the Word "Sir" - 9/1/2007 5:45:56 PM

missbehaeven

Posts: 41
Joined: 1/25/2007
Status: offline

~smiles~
Greetings sapphirepleasure and all,

I've also struggled with how to address people.
When meeting someone one on one, first meeting, it usually feels most natural to address them by their first name, until a level of comfort has been established.
At more formal lifestyle events, I'll typically call people by whatever scene name they go by, or what they prefer, be it first name, sir, ma'am, madame.
The hardest for me has been when I'm personally interested in someone with a D/s dynamic.
In that case it's always been Sir, because to me Master is a term that strikes a personal chord within me.

I know I haven't offered anything new with my perspective, so thank you for reading, and I hope everyone has a wonderful weekend! miss

(in reply to sapphirepleasure)

Post #: 41

RE: Struggling With the Word "Sir" - 9/1/2007 6:17:36 PM

sweetnurseBBW

Posts: 2464
Joined: 1/26/2006
From: North Carolina
Status: offline

If there is a different word that you both agree on that makes you more comfortable then use that. When I first started out it was weird to me to say it also. The more I said it the more I became comfortable with it. Say it at home to your cat or dog to become used to saying it. Worked for me.

_____________________________

Sir Pain's pain slut

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Post #: 42

RE: Struggling With the Word "Sir" - 9/1/2007 6:25:21 PM

sapphirepleasure

Posts: 411
Joined: 4/27/2006
From: Land of Enchantment
Status: offline

So far we haven't come up with anything. I don't feel comfortable with 'Sir' (his preference) and he doesn't feel comfortable with Master (my preference--down the line, not initially). I agree with a previous poster who said that it would set a bad precedent for me to make a huge issue or throw a fit or refuse. I am continuing to use it ('Sir') in hopes that it does become less awkward.

I do appreciate everyone's input and shared experiences.

(in reply to sweetnurseBBW)

Post #: 43

RE: Struggling With the Word "Sir" - 9/1/2007 6:33:56 PM

BeachMystress

Posts: 2156
Joined: 4/3/2004
From: Naples Island- Long Beach CA - Southern California
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: sapphirepleasure
When asked to call a dominant 'sir' as a sign of respect it's a struggle for me because it pulls me out of the present moment and I feel like I am reading a script rather than speaking from my heart, as it's a word I am not at all comfortable using.

So how do I get beyond this? Do I just continue to call him sir because it pleases him and hope that eventually it will become more natural?

It does get more natural with use. But my feeling is it should only be used with the person you're in a relationship with or it cheapens it. You shouldn't be calling random Dominant men Sir. My husband (then boyfriend) found it a bit odd to call me Ma'am at first. It also seemed impersonal to him. But he was very upset after I overheard him calling a grocery checker Ma'am and took away his right to call me it. It took him quite a while to earn back the privilege of calling me Ma'am. It may seem odd to offer such a title of respect to someone, but after a short period of adjustment it will seem right and natural with the RIGHT person.

_____________________________

Beach Mystress
*Do not threaten the weak. Intimidate the strong. ~ Stevenson*
http://beachmystress.jigsy.com
http://www.flickr.com/photos/beachmystress/

(in reply to sapphirepleasure)

Post #: 44

RE: Struggling With the Word "Sir" - 9/1/2007 6:47:10 PM

passionateflame

Posts: 9
Joined: 7/29/2007
Status: offline

i think it depends on how you were trained in the beginning, for me the first Dom that took me under His wing for training said, "you never call any Dom {Master} until He has earned that right and that means by earning your trust; and only after He offers you His collar and you accept it do you use the term Master.
i am collared to my Dom for almost a year and half; and depending on the situation we are in (his mood) will determine if i call him Master or Sir.
The last time i saw Master, He actually used the term "daddy" to me, and it blew my mind...i never thought He would be interested in that type of scene.

(in reply to sapphirepleasure)

Post #: 45

RE: Struggling With the Word "Sir" - 9/1/2007 7:16:38 PM

BeachMystress

Posts: 2156
Joined: 4/3/2004
From: Naples Island- Long Beach CA - Southern California
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: passionateflame
The last time i saw Master, He actually used the term "daddy" to me, and it blew my mind...i never thought He would be interested in that type of scene.

What type of scene do you think the title Daddy implies? In most (but not all) cases it is a nurturing type of relationship rather than age play. I'd say it means he's moved into the mindset of wanting to take care of you and nurture you. *smiles*

_____________________________

Beach Mystress
*Do not threaten the weak. Intimidate the strong. ~ Stevenson*
http://beachmystress.jigsy.com
http://www.flickr.com/photos/beachmystress/

(in reply to passionateflame)

Post #: 46

RE: Struggling With the Word "Sir" - 9/1/2007 8:52:49 PM

Missokyst

Posts: 6041
Joined: 9/9/2006
Status: offline

I always use the first name too. I wonder why people get the idea that it isn't respectful to use a given name? I like mine. Now.. if I was named Apple Moon Unit Dweezil, I might not want someone to call me by that name.
I never use sir unless I am in a social or work situation and I must refrain from calling a customer as*hole.
I would hate to use sir on someone I was attached too. That would be rude given the attitude I reserve for that word.
Kyst

quote:

ORIGINAL: cuddleheart50

I have the same problem as well, so you are not alone. It seems very impersonal to me. I just call them by their first name.

_____________________________

pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding ~Gibran, Kahlil

“The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for.”
― Bob Marley

(in reply to cuddleheart50)

Post #: 47

RE: Struggling With the Word "Sir" - 9/1/2007 9:02:28 PM

feastie

Posts: 1793
Joined: 6/4/2004
Status: offline

A thought just occurred to me ...

I wonder if perhaps some dominants prefer the use of an honorific because it makes them feel more powerful and the submissive less so. Maybe it's not a respect thing at all ...

Hmmmmmmm.

_____________________________

Snarky and loving it.

Disclaimer: Any views expressed in any post are my opinions only. They may or may not be yours.

(in reply to Missokyst)

Post #: 48

RE: Struggling With the Word "Sir" - 9/1/2007 9:41:47 PM

slaverosebeauty

Posts: 1941
Joined: 12/12/2004
From: Cali
Status: offline

I call MJ 'Sir' at times when we are on the phone, online or in r/t. He prefers that to 'Master', so I use it. Its a matter of respect for us. I was raised to call people 'Mr.' 'Mrs.' 'Ms' and people in authorative positions 'Sir' or 'Ma'am'. That doesn't mean that I call very top-type around here or anywhere else those things, those are EARNED titles, and MJ has earned me calling Him 'Sir.' Most of the time I call MJ by His first name, I am contemplating calling Him 'Mr' and His last name. Still in the 'planning' stage on that one.

To get over your struggle with calling your partner 'Sir' TALK to him about it. Best advice. Express to him how you feel and why, your reluctance; if you can't do that, then you can't grow and move forward or be in that relationship.

Good luck.

_____________________________

http://slaverosebeauty.livejournal.com/

"Friends live on in our hearts, regardless if they are here or not."

(in reply to sapphirepleasure)

Post #: 49

RE: Struggling With the Word "Sir" - 9/2/2007 7:06:47 AM

BDsbabygirl

Posts: 115
Joined: 7/9/2007
Status: offline

I too still struggle with calling him by an honorific. We started out as vanilla friends so I got used to calling him by his nickname, then one day, I just started calling him "Big Daddy" [cuz it just felt so right] and he started calling me "babygirl". These are the names we usually use, tho I have tried to call him "Master" more often and it's usually most comfortable for me during sex. I absolutely would not feel comfy saying "Sir" and I struggle with "Master" because of the way it used to be with my forefathers, you know forced slavery and all...He hasn't demanded I call him anything, even allowing me to call him by his given names but as I want to honor our relationship, I am trying to get used to "Master". And he has admitted it gets him off, in the same way him calling me "Mine" gets me excited, so I want to do what pleases him. I am also more prone to call him "Master" when he's correcting me or giving me instruction, as it seems more appropriate.

On another note, I didn't just start using "Master" one day; it evolved. He was talking about playing me until I sang out an 'Aria' and the term "Maestro" came up. I used that for about a month until I experienced my first orgasm with him, at which time I called him "Master" because it, again, just seemed right; he'd mastered the ability to get me off. Now, I use it when I greet him first thing in the morning and last thing at night plus whenever it feels right. I think he'd like to me call him that more often - especially during intimacies - but he has said that he just wants me to learn to "be comfortable in my own skin" at which time it will be more comfy to me. Overall, tho, I think our permanent titles will be the "Big Daddy" and "babygirl" that we use now.

Like someone else who posted here, I do miss calling him by his nickname - tho I do still use it somewhat frequently - for I used it all the time when we were still "just friends" and I kind'a miss the relationship that it implies/d tho we are still friends.

Lastly, Daddy and I do use other pet names, too, like "Lover", "Honey", "Sweetheart", "my Love", etc. and I hope that never changes because while we do have this dynamic, I first and foremost think of him as the love of my life and I think he'd say the same.

< Message edited by BDsbabygirl -- 9/2/2007 7:11:05 AM >

_____________________________

~ Captured by My Dominance, enslaved by My love ~ -- Big Daddy
Collared by Master Big Daddy on Monday, 7/23/07 at 2:35pm

Into scat play? Boycott shampoo; demand the real poo!

(in reply to slaverosebeauty)

Post #: 50

RE: Struggling With the Word "Sir" - 9/2/2007 8:14:51 AM

RRafe

Posts: 2060
Joined: 8/29/2007
Status: offline

I struggle with being called it.

Just use my name.

(in reply to sapphirepleasure)

Post #: 51

RE: Struggling With the Word "Sir" - 9/2/2007 8:32:07 AM

submittous

Posts: 345
Joined: 6/12/2004
Status: offline

We like hearing sir and ma'am. We believe protocols and rituals often are very helpful in helping a slave stay and live in slavespace. We are pacifists, not military oriented and really don't see the terms as anything but polite and respectful. Over the years we have grown more comfortable with a lot of things that seemed stilted when we started... maybe with time?

When a sub has had trouble feeling it was too formal we have been able to erotize the term for them fairly easily. It seems to me that if it is important to your Dom/me and they have some pyschological skills then they will work with you and if it is not important than another way of speaking should be easy to agree upon.

Bill

_____________________________

"If you are lucky enough to find a way of life you love, you have to find the courage to live it." John Irving

(in reply to RRafe)

Post #: 52

RE: Struggling With the Word "Sir" - 9/2/2007 8:34:29 AM

came4U

Posts: 3572
Joined: 1/23/2007
From: London, Ontario
Status: offline

To me, if I have to choke or stumble on the word 'Sir' that is my gut instinct telling me something.

(in reply to submittous)

Post #: 53

RE: Struggling With the Word "Sir" - 9/2/2007 8:51:42 AM

shyinini

Posts: 550
Joined: 5/4/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: sapphirepleasure

To me the word 'sir' summons up a very formal, distant, vaguely militaristic connection. When asked to call a dominant 'sir' as a sign of respect it's a struggle for me because it pulls me out of the present moment and I feel like I am reading a script rather than speaking from my heart, as it's a word I am not at all comfortable using.

So how do I get beyond this? Do I just continue to call him sir because it pleases him and hope that eventually it will become more natural? Has anyone else struggled with preferred forms of address, and if so, how did you work it out?

Master was extremely difficult for me. I never felt comfy with it.

At my job,I do call my accounts manager,Sir. A form of respect for his position.
I hear many non BDSM folk call folk in authority Sir or Ma'am. I ordered a latte at Starbucks on Friday and was referenced, "Ma'am".

I am not sure I could ever say Sir's name to his face while it was just him and I; but I love saying his name when it is just me, myself and I.

Using "Sir" is being submissive (for me) to the one I serve when I am on the phone, in his presence or emailing him.

When I used the word master, I always felt it was giving the other dom permission to call me whore slut or whatever he choose to reference me as. So many times I needed to be more than a slut or whore to him. Sir calls me "sweetheart" and his other pet name when we play.

I "feel" more like a prized, cherished submissive when referenced "sweetheart" rather than whore. For this, my Sir is given utmost respect.
Furthermore, because Sir does know about the other relationship from my perspective, he has already told me, he will never demand I call him master.

I am sorry "Sir" brings such awful connotations with it for you..... I'd suggest you discuss it with him and like my Sir, he might have another suggestion.

Sir's girl

_____________________________

With grace and gratitude, I am owned.
A Man who always seeks to be the best He can be for you
is the only Man truly worthy of being called Sir.

(in reply to sapphirepleasure)

Post #: 54

RE: Struggling With the Word "Sir" - 9/2/2007 9:07:45 AM

submittous

Posts: 345
Joined: 6/12/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: came4U

To me, if I have to choke or stumble on the word 'Sir' that is my gut instinct telling me something.

I think if the choke is with a specific Dom you are likely right, we tellourselves a lot with our inhibitions, but it could also just be a word association thing that applies to every Dom and that could be a different story

_____________________________

"If you are lucky enough to find a way of life you love, you have to find the courage to live it." John Irving

(in reply to came4U)

Post #: 55

RE: Struggling With the Word "Sir" - 9/2/2007 9:12:40 AM

sapphirepleasure

Posts: 411
Joined: 4/27/2006
From: Land of Enchantment
Status: offline

That's what it is for me... it's an 'across the board' reaction.

(in reply to submittous)

Post #: 56

RE: Struggling With the Word "Sir" - 9/2/2007 9:35:02 AM

GhitaAmati

Posts: 3263
Joined: 5/30/2007
Status: offline

Im one of them raised in the south chicks....so ive been using the words Sir and Maam as long as Ive been talking. It comes pretty naturally to me to call someone Sir. My husband actually hates the word Sir, something about being in the Military for 24 years.....will correct anyone from a sub to the local cashier at publix...if they say Sir to him, he tends to answer with some comment about how he works for a living...either that or some snippet about not having been knighted yet...

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Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as far as meaningless experiences go its pretty damn good.
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Post #: 57

RE: Struggling With the Word "Sir" - 9/2/2007 8:50:29 PM

MaamJay

Posts: 2101
Joined: 9/2/2005
Status: offline

My Master hates Sir with a passion ... says it reminds Him of school ... doesn't like being called it by service people and definitely not by subs. So i called Him by His nick until He "became" Master to me. Now He's Master all the time unless in vanilla company. It begged the question of what should My subs call Him ... We settled on Master and His first name, although My new sub is quite happy to call Him just Master.

However, I have seen lots of alternatives around. Have you considered: Sire, my Lord, milord (the English way of saying it), Captain, Major, Chief, Boss, Bossbaby (OK that was a much less formal relationship ... He called her serfbaby!), my One, Dearest One, Maestro, or head to another language for Signore (Sir) or Dominare (Master) in Italian, Senor or Capitan in Spanish, Monsieur or Maitre in French etc etc. While I take the point that someone made about needing to get over past baggage, it would seem a shame if an otherwise promising relationship is unhinged by this piece of baggage early on, when in the context of a potential future, it might only be a transitory phase. So maybe discuss all these with Him and see if there's any there that float His boat too!

Is it only my Master who says "you called?" when i yell out "Oh my god!" when in the throes of passion or pain? *grin*

Maam Jay aka violet[A]

_____________________________

Life is a song ... and I love singing it! (By me!)

(in reply to GhitaAmati)

Post #: 58

RE: Struggling With the Word "Sir" - 9/2/2007 11:17:37 PM

Satyr6406

Posts: 820
Joined: 3/27/2006
From: New Brunswick, N.J.
Status: offline

Early on, I really objected to the word "Sir". For the most part, as the old "joke" goes: "If you say 'Sir', I think my father's here.". When I was in the military, I was a very proud non-commissioned officer and officers (or "Sirs") were "weenie boys" and I wanted no part of that.

I still am not enamored of that but, there are times when I will tolerate it. However, my "comfort zone" is for my special one to call me "Daddy". That's what I like.

I can understand some people liking/wanting "Sir" but, I just don't accept that in my life (except for a beautiful lady, nekkid, on her knees and elbows, looking over her shoulder and saying: "Please fuck me, Michael Sir"!).

Peace and comfort,

Michael

_____________________________

Peace and comfort,

Michael

Former Vice-President Gore didn't invent the internet but, he DID make up global warming!

(in reply to MaamJay)

Post #: 59

RE: Struggling With the Word "Sir" - 9/2/2007 11:56:58 PM

LDRandAstarte

Posts: 504
Joined: 12/31/2005
Status: offline

We have found that subs have a hard time with the very formal titles mostly during intimate interaction.
We prefer our titles with respect to the playtoys to be drawn from the renaissance era, m'Lord and m'Lady, the commoners term for nobilty, in private or during play parties.
In public the toy does use Sir and Ma'am.

_____________________________

When I die, I want to go like my grandpa who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming in terror like the other three passengers in his car.

(in reply to sapphirepleasure)

Post #: 60

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