Second chances:give them or no way

Collarspace Discussion Forums

Home Login Search

Second chances:give them or no way

View related threads: (in this forum | in all forums)

Logged in as: Guest

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> General BDSM Discussion >> Second chances:give them or no way

Page: [1] 2 3 next > >>

Login

Message

<< Older Topic Newer Topic >>

Second chances:give them or no way - 9/4/2007 4:57:51 AM

SirEbonyPhoenix

Posts: 195
Joined: 8/29/2006
From: My realm in Central Indiana (you guess where :P)
Status: offline

Recently, I spoke with an uncollared submissive for the first time in over a year after we had a misunderstanding. We forgave each other, but I'm still having some doubts as to whether we should give it another try. My question is this: If you were in a D/s relationship with someone who broke your heart, should you give them another chance or kick them to the curb?

_____________________________

"If it takes one to know one, then you must be one."

Post #: 1

RE: Second chances:give them or no way - 9/4/2007 5:12:39 AM

lionesque

Posts: 12
Joined: 1/14/2006
Status: offline

Some people are going to be of the opionion that if it didn't work the first time, it's not going to work the second time (or the fifth time, or the tenth time).

Personllay, I think that it depends on the people and the nature of the original "misunderstanding". Maybe communication will be better the second time around? Maybe each person has learned a little along the way, grown a little along the way, and will bring improved perspectives to the second round.

Bottom line is that only you can make that decision. It seems to me, however, that this is weighing heavily on your mind. If it were me, I would probably have to give it another try, or I would spend the rest of my life wondering, "What if?". Best of luck.

(in reply to SirEbonyPhoenix)

Post #: 2

RE: Second chances:give them or no way - 9/4/2007 5:12:51 AM

camille65

Posts: 5746
Joined: 7/11/2007
From: Austin Texas
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: SirEbonyPhoenix

Recently, I spoke with an uncollared submissive for the first time in over a year after we had a misunderstanding. We forgave each other, but I'm still having some doubts as to whether we should give it another try. My question is this: If you were in a D/s relationship with someone who broke your heart, should you give them another chance or kick them to the curb?

I give chances until I am worn out, some have told me that I am unusually forgiving but I think it is more that I understand why/how people mess up easily.
For a long time I tried to change that part of me but now it is something I am glad I have inside.

_____________________________

~Love your life! (It is the only one you'll get).

(in reply to SirEbonyPhoenix)

Post #: 3

RE: Second chances:give them or no way - 9/4/2007 5:17:16 AM

MysticFireTopaz

Posts: 50939
Joined: 4/23/2005
From: Dallas/Ft. Worth, TX
Status: offline

I'm of the opinion that a second chance will not work unless the issue that caused the relationship not to succeed the first time was resolved. If I feel the issue was resolved, I would probably consider giving the submissive a second chance. If not, I wouldn't, as I'd be afraid the same issue would just surface again and cause the relationship to fail a second time.

Lady Topaz

(in reply to SirEbonyPhoenix)

Post #: 4

RE: Second chances:give them or no way - 9/4/2007 5:20:50 AM

IrishMist

Posts: 7480
Joined: 11/17/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: SirEbonyPhoenix

Recently, I spoke with an uncollared submissive for the first time in over a year after we had a misunderstanding. We forgave each other, but I'm still having some doubts as to whether we should give it another try. My question is this: If you were in a D/s relationship with someone who broke your heart, should you give them another chance or kick them to the curb?

I seriously think that it depends on how 'big' the misunderstanding was, how far the two in question have come in understanding why the misunderstanding happened, and how flexible each person is in seeing that it does not happen again.

_____________________________

If I said something to offend you, please tell me what it was so that I can say it again later.

(in reply to SirEbonyPhoenix)

Post #: 5

RE: Second chances:give them or no way - 9/4/2007 5:25:35 AM

Viridana

Posts: 754
Status: offline

It depends on the person, on the misunderstanding, of the relationship that was before and how, if forgiven, the issue is going to be worked out. Personally I try to give people a second chance If I feel that it's gonna be beneficial, but a 3rd chance I rarely close to never give.

(in reply to IrishMist)

Post #: 6

RE: Second chances:give them or no way - 9/4/2007 5:27:28 AM

MHOO314

Posts: 3628
Joined: 9/26/2004
Status: offline

IMHO, it is not that cut and dried--One has to evaluate what it is they did or what dynamic happened to make it fall apart--some things will never change, some things will change for the short term, and some things when he is back in the environment, changed or not will send off those vibes and make you nuts----evaluate clearly from logic, not from loneliness.

< Message edited by MHOO314 -- 9/4/2007 5:28:14 AM >

_____________________________

SLUTS: Southern Ladies Under Tremendous Stress...

Mistress Hathor

(in reply to SirEbonyPhoenix)

Post #: 7

RE: Second chances:give them or no way - 9/4/2007 5:32:34 AM

IrishMist

Posts: 7480
Joined: 11/17/2005
Status: offline

~fr~

I would like to expand a bit more on what I said.

If you still have feelings for the girl in question; make sure that you seperate the emotions from the 'logical' examination of whether or not to give her a second chance. It's important that you do not make any emotional decisions, but rather logical ones.

_____________________________

If I said something to offend you, please tell me what it was so that I can say it again later.

(in reply to MHOO314)

Post #: 8

RE: Second chances:give them or no way - 9/4/2007 5:50:33 AM

charmdpetKeira

Posts: 916
Joined: 6/2/2007
Status: offline

quote:

If you were in a D/s relationship with someone who broke your heart, should you give them another chance or kick them to the curb?

Speaking of my experience from my last D/s relationship; when it was done, it was done.
Not a bad thing, just necessary. I will add though, in my relationship; I don’t believe there were any misunderstandings.

Edited to add: If I felt as though the person had "broke my heart", even after I forgave them; I would consider the possibility of a deeper seeded issue then the one forgiven.

k

< Message edited by charmdpetKeira -- 9/4/2007 6:01:10 AM >

_____________________________

Life is tough, that does not mean it isn't fair.

There is no wrong choice, only consequence.

(in reply to SirEbonyPhoenix)

Post #: 9

RE: Second chances:give them or no way - 9/4/2007 6:13:44 AM

HalloweenWhite

Posts: 1028
Joined: 6/20/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: SirEbonyPhoenix

Recently, I spoke with an uncollared submissive for the first time in over a year after we had a misunderstanding. We forgave each other, but I'm still having some doubts as to whether we should give it another try. My question is this: If you were in a D/s relationship with someone who broke your heart, should you give them another chance or kick them to the curb?

This very thing happened to Me 2 weeks ago, I sent message after message trying tyo find out what was going on-I only found out there was a problem by accident.

I've chased for 2 weeks and got nowhere so now I'm moving on. I'll only ever give her a second chance if she has a damn good reason for ignoring My messages,and not telling Me in the first place that she was off, something like My arms stopped working and no-one would type for Me, or something.

The point is it depends on why they went in the first place.

Of course, as a Dominant chasing may have back fired for Me lol, she may see it as weak, not chasing, on the other hand may look like you were never that bothered in the first place!. Fun eh?.

< Message edited by HalloweenWhite -- 9/4/2007 6:16:01 AM >

(in reply to SirEbonyPhoenix)

Post #: 10

RE: Second chances:give them or no way - 9/4/2007 6:17:09 AM

RRafe

Posts: 2060
Joined: 8/29/2007
Status: offline

Twice in the past I have given second chances-twice I got screwed over two times. Never again.

quote:

ORIGINAL: SirEbonyPhoenix

Recently, I spoke with an uncollared submissive for the first time in over a year after we had a misunderstanding. We forgave each other, but I'm still having some doubts as to whether we should give it another try. My question is this: If you were in a D/s relationship with someone who broke your heart, should you give them another chance or kick them to the curb?

(in reply to SirEbonyPhoenix)

Post #: 11

RE: Second chances:give them or no way - 9/4/2007 6:21:23 AM

LVpet

Posts: 27
Joined: 9/1/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: SirEbonyPhoenix
My question is this: If you were in a D/s relationship with someone who broke your heart, should you give them another chance or kick them to the curb?

For myself, I would give a second chance but only after a lot of talking. Poor communication is the biggest reason for misunderstandings and if the communication skills can't or won't be corrected then the "mistakes" are bound to repeat themselves.

LVpet

(in reply to SirEbonyPhoenix)

Post #: 12

RE: Second chances:give them or no way - 9/4/2007 6:38:20 AM

Mercnbeth

Posts: 11766
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: SirEbonyPhoenix
My question is this: If you were in a D/s relationship with someone who broke your heart, should you give them another chance or kick them to the curb?

Sir Phoenix,
I don't think there should be an absolute rule on 2nd chances or forgiveness. The severity of the matter, the consequences of the action, the communication level between the people all are factors. You seem to be communicating again, indicating that some aspect has improved. You also have to determine whether you have the ability to give a 2nd chance. Giving a complete 'do over' to a relationship requires forgiving every aspect of what occurred. It also requires a bit of forgetting - you have to make sure you both can forgive and forget or else paranoia and/or suspicion will be pervasive in the relationship.

Instead of "should you give them another chance", perhaps the question that needs answering is "WHY should you give them another chance". Have communications improved. Has there been more self realization. Do you know yourself better to avoid and/or talk through whatever issue that caused the break up.

And then the biggest question - Can you ever trust each other completely? That's the question I personally could never generate a positive answer. I don't think I could ever trust again, making a 2nd chance damn near impossible in my case. However, I've come to see it more as a personality fault in me versus a good way to go through life. I've cut a lot of people out of my life throughout the years because I didn't partake in 2nd chances. Now, I don't think I could. It takes a very long time to get through my cynicism to have me trust you in the first place. When you have earned trust and somehow you break it - even if the pieces can be put together, it looks broken and feels broken; creating a "why bother" attitude as far as I'm concerned.

However, if you can get around the trust issue it may be worth the effort. You and your partner need only to be honest with the answer of one question. Are you considering getting back together because you feel it was not a big issue and it was a mistake not to talk it through, or are you considering getting back together because you don't have a partner? Remember, the worst lie is the one that you tell yourself. Compromising is not a path that gets you to your original destination.

(in reply to SirEbonyPhoenix)

Post #: 13

RE: Second chances:give them or no way - 9/4/2007 6:49:13 AM

celticlord2112

Posts: 5732
Status: offline

Unless you can have reasonable hope things will be different the second time around, no. You can forgive someone without them actually moderated the behavior that contributed to the failure of the relationship (on both sides).

Without reasonable assurance of change on both sides, neither partner has reason to be optimistic about a renewed relationship--i.e, the submissive should not be quick to beg the collar back, either.

Forgiveness allows you to move on past the failed relationship. It is not the foundation for a renewed relationship.

_____________________________

(in reply to SirEbonyPhoenix)

Post #: 14

RE: Second chances:give them or no way - 9/4/2007 6:52:43 AM

RRafe

Posts: 2060
Joined: 8/29/2007
Status: offline

Exactly.

quote:

ORIGINAL: celticlord2112

Unless you can have reasonable hope things will be different the second time around, no. You can forgive someone without them actually moderated the behavior that contributed to the failure of the relationship (on both sides).

Without reasonable assurance of change on both sides, neither partner has reason to be optimistic about a renewed relationship--i.e, the submissive should not be quick to beg the collar back, either.

Forgiveness allows you to move on past the failed relationship. It is not the foundation for a renewed relationship.

(in reply to celticlord2112)

Post #: 15

RE: Second chances:give them or no way - 9/4/2007 7:11:58 AM

LATEXBABY64

Posts: 2107
Joined: 4/8/2004
Status: offline

It really depends i mean i have gotton into some bitter things with people later after a year or two we became better friends.. if the problem was external. I would say yes. lets say job or money.. some people make bad choices. a cheating heart no.. it just all depends if there was true love involed always a chance i have seen it. But as people have said above you have to put each other first. not let the outside rule the relationship. example friends, family, job, these are all relationship killers.. Friends can be evil on a relationship if they do not approve your partner.. just a word to the wise. love is about you and the person your with. not you and the world and the next door neighbor

(in reply to RRafe)

Post #: 16

RE: Second chances:give them or no way - 9/4/2007 7:16:17 AM

Domin8tingUrDrmz

Posts: 1269
Joined: 4/8/2006
From: Portland Metro, Oregon
Status: offline

In my experiences, second chances do not work. People develop patterns of behavior around one another and once the relationship is rekindled, often the former patterns of behavior are rekindled as well - both positive and negative. Unless both of you are able to create an entirely new (and improved) dynamic with each other, it likely will not work.

_____________________________

4 out of 3 people have trouble with fractions.

Ask a Mistress Forum FAQ
Profile Help

(in reply to RRafe)

Post #: 17

RE: Second chances:give them or no way - 9/4/2007 7:17:05 AM

sweetnurseBBW

Posts: 2464
Joined: 1/26/2006
From: North Carolina
Status: offline

I would go with your gut instinct on it. If you feel that things have changed for the better and a new start can be obtained then do it. If your have any sort of reservations then I wouldn't try and give them another chance. Everyone makes mistakes and if you feel they have learned from it and won't continue it then give them another chance.

_____________________________

Sir Pain's pain slut

(in reply to SirEbonyPhoenix)

Post #: 18

RE: Second chances:give them or no way - 9/4/2007 7:22:55 AM

sambamanslilgirl

Posts: 10926
Joined: 2/5/2007
From: Chicago, IL
Status: offline

if someone broke my heart, why give them another chance to smash it again? i don't forgive nor do i give second chances.

call me a cold heartless bitch however my heart like my trust and friendship are very precious to me so you do wise not to break them ...if you do break either one or all 3, don't expect me to "forgive and forget" after apologizing

_____________________________

...2011 - year of the fabulous rock star life ...and i do it so well...

...announcing Mr. & Mrs. British Petrol ...yeah, marrying into oil is slick business...

(in reply to SirEbonyPhoenix)

Post #: 19

RE: Second chances:give them or no way - 9/4/2007 7:24:22 AM

toservez

Posts: 1733
Joined: 9/7/2006
From: All over now in Minnesota
Status: offline

Mercnbeth wrote something I wish I could have written as intelligently and eloquently.

My two quick thoughts are to poke at the OP that a D/s relationship would have different rules in second chances as they are like any other relationships and totally dependent on the two people involved.

Second, like other have noted depends on the reasons. As sometimes the problem was a symptom of the problem and not the problem itself and moving on will not have solved anything and therefore people are doomed to repeat the past in some way. There is also why the problem came about and if it was a core compatibility issue or a perceived or real character flaw. I think if the problems lie in these areas then a second chance would be spinning your wheels.

What I often though advice anyone ask two questions. 1) Do you truly like and care for the person or just do not want to be alone and/or settling because you are not sure what is behind door number two. 2) Can you actually forgive and move on where the other person will not live day to day with baggage in your eyes.

_____________________________

I am sorry I do not fit Webster's defintion of a slave but thankfully my Master is not Webster.

"Anything that contradicts experience and logic should be abandoned." - H.H. The 14th Dalai Lama

(in reply to LATEXBABY64)

Post #: 20

Page: [1] 2 3 next > >>

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> General BDSM Discussion >> Second chances:give them or no way

Page: [1] 2 3 next > >>

Jump to:

New Messages	No New Messages
Hot Topic w/ New Messages	Hot Topic w/o New Messages
Locked w/ New Messages	Locked w/o New Messages

Post New Thread

Reply to Message

Post New Poll

Submit Vote

Delete My Own Post

Delete My Own Thread

Rate Posts

Collarchat.com © 2025

Terms of Service

0.090