Collarspace Discussion Forums


Home  Login  Search 

Good Dom vs. Bad Dom


View related threads: (in this forum | in all forums)

Logged in as: Guest
 
All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> General BDSM Discussion >> Good Dom vs. Bad Dom Page: [1] 2 3   next >   >>
Login
Message << Older Topic   Newer Topic >>
Good Dom vs. Bad Dom - 9/4/2007 1:23:57 PM   
TheIronOrchid


Posts: 21
Joined: 8/30/2007
Status: offline 		Hey all,

I'm fairly new to the scene.  I've been meeting people in the community.  I've been trying to understand what the difference is between a Dom/Domme that earns respect and one that does not.

I think I've had an epiphany on the subject and I'd like for all you knowledgable types out there to throw your 2 cents in.

From what I've seen in play sessions of these 2 types of Doms/Dommes the major difference that I can spot is empathy.  Respected Doms/Dommes have empathy every step of the way whereas the others do not.

Opinions?
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: Good Dom vs. Bad Dom - 9/4/2007 1:41:47 PM   
Bobkgin


Posts: 1335
Joined: 7/28/2007
From: Kawarthas, Ontario, Canada
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: TheIronOrchid

Hey all,

I'm fairly new to the scene.  I've been meeting people in the community.  I've been trying to understand what the difference is between a Dom/Domme that earns respect and one that does not.

I think I've had an epiphany on the subject and I'd like for all you knowledgable types out there to throw your 2 cents in.

From what I've seen in play sessions of these 2 types of Doms/Dommes the major difference that I can spot is empathy.  Respected Doms/Dommes have empathy every step of the way whereas the others do not.

Opinions?



Perhaps someone will say otherwise, but I believe those who are most respected by their partners are respected in part for their empathy and compassion.

Another word for it is Love.

_____________________________

When all is said and done, what will you regret?

That you never really lived?

Or there was so much living left to do?

For those interested: pics and poetry have been added to my profile.

(in reply to TheIronOrchid)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: Good Dom vs. Bad Dom - 9/4/2007 1:45:35 PM   
LadyPact


Posts: 32566
Status: offline 		Well, I'll agree in part.  I happen to think it goes toward character, of which empathy is a part.  There's also trustworthiness, integrity, honesty...... You get it from there.

(in reply to Bobkgin)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: Good Dom vs. Bad Dom - 9/4/2007 1:46:02 PM   
MadRabbit


Posts: 3460
Joined: 8/9/2006
Status: offline 		Since all of this is subjective values that vary infinitely from person to person, to me, at least, its about being a person that I, personally, respect and trust and then finding someone else who respects and trusts that person.

This should be an interesting thread as always since I am sure people with take their own personal values and apply them universally as qualites valued or necessary in ALL relationships.

< Message edited by MadRabbit -- 9/4/2007 1:47:28 PM >

_____________________________

Advice for New Dominants
The Unpolitically Correct Lifestyle Definitions

Obama is NOT the Messiah! He's just a VERY NAUGHTY BOY

(in reply to TheIronOrchid)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: Good Dom vs. Bad Dom - 9/4/2007 1:46:02 PM   
sexyred1


Posts: 8998
Joined: 8/9/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Bobkgin

quote:

ORIGINAL: TheIronOrchid

Hey all,

I'm fairly new to the scene.  I've been meeting people in the community.  I've been trying to understand what the difference is between a Dom/Domme that earns respect and one that does not.

I think I've had an epiphany on the subject and I'd like for all you knowledgable types out there to throw your 2 cents in.

From what I've seen in play sessions of these 2 types of Doms/Dommes the major difference that I can spot is empathy.  Respected Doms/Dommes have empathy every step of the way whereas the others do not.

Opinions?



Perhaps someone will say otherwise, but I believe those who are most respected by their partners are respected in part for their empathy and compassion.

Another word for it is Love.


Empathy and compassion are key ingredients in all relationships, but you can possess both and still not Love someone. It is mutually exclusive, and may be ideal, but not necessary.

(in reply to Bobkgin)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: Good Dom vs. Bad Dom - 9/4/2007 1:49:42 PM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline 		I lack empathy in a big way.  I don't think that makes me a bad dom.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to sexyred1)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: Good Dom vs. Bad Dom - 9/4/2007 1:57:19 PM   
celticlord2112


Posts: 5732
Status: offline 		I would argue that "good" dominants are more aware of the submissive/bottom's emotional and mental states.  They are more cognizant of the consequences of their exercises of power.

I would also argue that to go farther than that ventures into the arena of personal style and personal kink.  A dominant might be highly aware of what he's doing to a submissive, and still be a cold-hearted bastard about it--and for some submissive's that's exactly what is desired.


_____________________________



(in reply to TheIronOrchid)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: Good Dom vs. Bad Dom - 9/4/2007 1:57:22 PM   
MadRabbit


Posts: 3460
Joined: 8/9/2006
Status: offline 		So a tough, strict, and hardass Dominant with a general lack of compassion and sensitivity CANT be valued by a submissive as a good Dom?

I find that odd since a lot of personal fantasies I hear from submissives and slaves seem to go in the direction of someone like that...



_____________________________

Advice for New Dominants
The Unpolitically Correct Lifestyle Definitions

Obama is NOT the Messiah! He's just a VERY NAUGHTY BOY

(in reply to sexyred1)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: Good Dom vs. Bad Dom - 9/4/2007 1:59:29 PM   
toservez


Posts: 1733
Joined: 9/7/2006
From: All over now in Minnesota
Status: offline 		Like others have said what makes a good dominant is both subjective to the submissive and also completely based on what type of relationship you are looking for.

My .02 attempt to answer would be a good dominant is a person who never forgets they are a fallible human being like everyone else in the world at all times, knows establishing trust and safety are an ever going work in process and that actions are always way more important then any words uttered.

I will also throw in I think a good dominant has an understanding that a submissive does think different and enjoy different things many times on a different level and can factor that into everything.



_____________________________

I am sorry I do not fit Webster's defintion of a slave but thankfully my Master is not Webster.

"Anything that contradicts experience and logic should be abandoned." - H.H. The 14th Dalai Lama

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: Good Dom vs. Bad Dom - 9/4/2007 6:36:36 PM   
Stephann


Posts: 4214
Joined: 12/27/2006
From: Portland, OR
Status: offline 		Empathy is one of the traits I value most in myself.  I value it in myself, and believe it makes me a better and happier person than I would have been, not just as a dominant.

Stephan


_____________________________

Nosce Te Ipsum

"The blade itself incites to violence" - Homer

Men: Find a Woman here

(in reply to toservez)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: Good Dom vs. Bad Dom - 9/4/2007 7:19:24 PM   
charmdpetKeira


Posts: 916
Joined: 6/2/2007
Status: offline
quote:

I've been trying to understand what the difference is between a Dom/Domme that earns respect and one that does not.


I find it is a combination of things, in a Dom, that inspires me to respect them; empathy alone is not the deciding factor.

quote:

Respected Doms/Dommes have empathy every step of the way whereas the others do not.


I also feel, it is not whether or not they have it; but also knowing when to use it.
 
k

_____________________________

Life is tough, that does not mean it isn't fair.

There is no wrong choice, only consequence.

(in reply to TheIronOrchid)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: Good Dom vs. Bad Dom - 9/4/2007 7:29:32 PM   
ThudBaby


Posts: 26
Joined: 7/16/2007
Status: offline 		I don't believe any one characteristic makes or breaks a person.  I also think that there aren't universally bad Dom/mes - just like there aren't universally bad subs because the dynamics are so individualized.  Most of the Dom/mes that I would consider, less than satisfactory to put it delicately, aren't just less than satisfactory as Dom/mes but as people as well.  They lack core values (honesty, credibility, integrity, etc) that I measure people by.

(in reply to charmdpetKeira)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: Good Dom vs. Bad Dom - 9/4/2007 7:40:28 PM   
Durus


Posts: 184
Joined: 7/9/2007
Status: offline 		Having had to bury my empathic reactions to further a scene I'm not sure it's  the most important thing in a Dom/me. I think imagination with a grounding in reality is more important. Actually I think imagination is the root of empathy so maybe they are related.

Define "respected" for me?

(in reply to TheIronOrchid)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: Good Dom vs. Bad Dom - 9/4/2007 7:44:42 PM   
TheIronOrchid


Posts: 21
Joined: 8/30/2007
Status: offline 		Wow!  Thanks alot to everyone who responded to this.  I suppose I should clarify a couple of points though.  I was in a situation where I was watching dom/mes play with subs they weren't familiar with (slave auction at a kinky campout).  Being the noob I am, I was watching a closely as I could and listening to what gossip came my way.

Now I'm not one to usually pay much attention to gossip, most of it's hearsay after all.  But I do believe that overwhelming hearsay is worth paying attention to. 

In any case, I was trying to figure out what earned respect.  No one came right out and said it, it just seemed to me that empathy was the deciding factor.

Oddly enough, I got some small measure of respect myself that campout.  I took great pains to not hide the fact that I was relatively unexperienced.  So for those of you who mentioned integrity, I'm evidence of that.

(in reply to ThudBaby)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: Good Dom vs. Bad Dom - 9/4/2007 7:48:00 PM   
TheIronOrchid


Posts: 21
Joined: 8/30/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Durus

Having had to bury my empathic reactions to further a scene I'm not sure it's  the most important thing in a Dom/me. I think imagination with a grounding in reality is more important. Actually I think imagination is the root of empathy so maybe they are related.

Define "respected" for me?


It was an auction situation.  Dom/mes were on the block as well as slaves.  Some Dom/mes inspired more heated bidding frenzies than others.  That's how I'm defining 'respect' in this case.

(in reply to Durus)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: Good Dom vs. Bad Dom - 9/4/2007 7:51:40 PM   
RRafe


Posts: 2060
Joined: 8/29/2007
Status: offline 		Yes, caring is essential for safety.

quote:

ORIGINAL: TheIronOrchid

Hey all,

I'm fairly new to the scene.  I've been meeting people in the community.  I've been trying to understand what the difference is between a Dom/Domme that earns respect and one that does not.

I think I've had an epiphany on the subject and I'd like for all you knowledgable types out there to throw your 2 cents in.

From what I've seen in play sessions of these 2 types of Doms/Dommes the major difference that I can spot is empathy.  Respected Doms/Dommes have empathy every step of the way whereas the others do not.

Opinions?


(in reply to TheIronOrchid)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: Good Dom vs. Bad Dom - 9/4/2007 7:59:03 PM   
iammachine


Posts: 1549
Joined: 1/25/2006
Status: offline 		Some people like it harsh, so I don't think empathy necessarily does it.

Integrity, however, plays a huge part in reputation, I think.


_____________________________

I still hear you scream... in every breath, every single motion

(in reply to TheIronOrchid)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: Good Dom vs. Bad Dom - 9/4/2007 9:22:19 PM   
breatheasone


Posts: 4004
Joined: 7/14/2007
Status: offline 		To the OP empathy is a huge deal...and i believe essential for a good dom.

_____________________________

Romans 10:13,For whosoever shall call upon the name of the Lord shall be saved.
Mike posts in black font
candy posts in pink font

(in reply to iammachine)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: Good Dom vs. Bad Dom - 9/4/2007 9:35:54 PM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline 		Earning "respect" from scene gossips is hardly the same thing as actually being a good dominant.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to breatheasone)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: Good Dom vs. Bad Dom - 9/4/2007 9:48:50 PM   
CuriousLord


Posts: 3911
Joined: 4/3/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: TheIronOrchid

From what I've seen in play sessions of these 2 types of Doms/Dommes the major difference that I can spot is empathy.  Respected Doms/Dommes have empathy every step of the way whereas the others do not.


I often believe that the nature (type, extent, etc.) of empathy one has is one of the most critical psycological aspects of an individual.  To this end, yeah, it truly affects Dom's, subs, and that guy who's trying to sell you a house, trying to judge exactly how upfront he should be about certain undesirable aspects concerning the pipes in the basement in the winter time.

In general, empathitic individuals are more sincerely concerned for those who they empathize with.  This can lead to far more desirable relationships with such individuals, to include in BDSM.

(in reply to TheIronOrchid)
Profile   Post #: 20
Page:   [1] 2 3   next >   >>
All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> General BDSM Discussion >> Good Dom vs. Bad Dom Page: [1] 2 3   next >   >>
Jump to:





New Messages No New Messages
Hot Topic w/ New Messages Hot Topic w/o New Messages
Locked w/ New Messages Locked w/o New Messages
 Post New Thread
 Reply to Message
 Post New Poll
 Submit Vote
 Delete My Own Post
 Delete My Own Thread
 Rate Posts




Collarchat.com © 2025
Terms of Service Privacy Policy Spam Policy

0.078