RE: Good Dom vs. Bad Dom

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RE: Good Dom vs. Bad Dom - 9/6/2007 4:01:05 AM

BeachMystress

Posts: 2156
Joined: 4/3/2004
From: Naples Island- Long Beach CA - Southern California
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There are many factors that go into a good Dominant. Take away one of those factors and leave the others and you can still have a good Dom/me. I think it might be better to say that many good Dominants have empathy. Not all of them do.

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Beach Mystress
*Do not threaten the weak. Intimidate the strong. ~ Stevenson*
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(in reply to chellekitty)

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Post #: 41

RE: Good Dom vs. Bad Dom - 9/6/2007 7:42:33 AM

CreativeDominant

Posts: 11032
Joined: 3/11/2006
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quote:

ORIGINAL: TheIronOrchid

Hey all,

I'm fairly new to the scene. I've been meeting people in the community. I've been trying to understand what the difference is between a Dom/Domme that earns respect and one that does not.

I think I've had an epiphany on the subject and I'd like for all you knowledgable types out there to throw your 2 cents in.

From what I've seen in play sessions of these 2 types of Doms/Dommes the major difference that I can spot is empathy. Respected Doms/Dommes have empathy every step of the way whereas the others do not.

Opinions?

I think that there is more than one thing that goes into being a good dominant. To me, those same characteristics that make up a good individual are those things which tend to make a good dominant. Honesty, integrity, a good sense of responsibility, the ability to communicate his thoughts and feelings to others, the ability to listen to and understand others, the ability to consider all the information available to him in an objective fashion and know when his own emotional bias is coming into play in either a good way or bad way. And these are just some of the qualities.

Empathy is good but, as someone else noted, the ability to know when to keep it in check and when to let it flow unhindered is just as important. Being able to be, what to some outside observers might appear, an asshole in a scene...non-caring, ruthless, vicious...may be just what is called for in that scene right then and may be exactly what the submissive on the receiving end wants. It is important to remember that while all the characteristics noted in the first paragraph may be present in the dominant, they are not necessarily all called for during a scene and, in some ways, if the dominant does not have the ability to keep some of those "good" characteristics properly balanced during the scene, can actually be a hindrance.

(in reply to TheIronOrchid)

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Post #: 42

RE: Good Dom vs. Bad Dom - 9/6/2007 8:35:40 AM

Grlwithboy

Posts: 655
Joined: 2/8/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: CreativeDominant

quote:

ORIGINAL: TheIronOrchid

Hey all,

I'm fairly new to the scene. I've been meeting people in the community. I've been trying to understand what the difference is between a Dom/Domme that earns respect and one that does not.

I think I've had an epiphany on the subject and I'd like for all you knowledgable types out there to throw your 2 cents in.

From what I've seen in play sessions of these 2 types of Doms/Dommes the major difference that I can spot is empathy. Respected Doms/Dommes have empathy every step of the way whereas the others do not.

Opinions?

Empathy is good but, as someone else noted, the ability to know when to keep it in check and when to let it flow unhindered is just as important. Being able to be, what to some outside observers might appear, an asshole in a scene...non-caring, ruthless, vicious...may be just what is called for in that scene right then and may be exactly what the submissive on the receiving end wants. It is important to remember that while all the characteristics noted in the first paragraph may be present in the dominant, they are not necessarily all called for during a scene and, in some ways, if the dominant does not have the ability to keep some of those "good" characteristics properly balanced during the scene, can actually be a hindrance.

Yes yes yes yes yes! I can't begin to explain how many times I have to explain that being "nice" to H, at the wrong time is an inhuman act of cruelty I will not engage in!

(in reply to CreativeDominant)

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Post #: 43

RE: Good Dom vs. Bad Dom - 9/6/2007 8:57:05 AM

piperpilot

Posts: 17
Joined: 2/20/2007
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there are times when you have to be cruel and uncaring, some slaves want and expect this. A good Master knows this and uses it at the appropriate times, and then comes on with the kind and caring Master, after the punishment for what ever the crime may have been is over. A great Master must know his or her subjects well enough to know when to be the harsh Master or the nice Master. A Master that always instills fear and inflicts punishment just because, is not a Master but a bully that doesn't know any better and a bad Master that may ruin a great slave and send them running from the lifestyle. Or to me. This is why it takes time to collar a good slave. Master and slave have to get to know each other, learn likes and dislikes. Once the slave learns to trust and accept the Master and his ways then the collar can be put on and worn with pride and the Master can own and trust and protect his property, and be proud of his property knowing that he or she will always make him proud to be the owner of a great slave. Master and slave should never jump into a relationship. Get to know each other, talk a lot and learn to know what each of you need. This is the Masters role and it is a hard one. I am always learning from my slaves, the day that I think I know it all is the day I become a bad Master. So yes, empathy is needed in a Master as well as knowing the right time to bring it into play. Sir Flagulate

(in reply to Grlwithboy)

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Post #: 44

RE: Good Dom vs. Bad Dom - 9/6/2007 9:14:37 AM

Hunterndarkness

Posts: 1
Joined: 8/31/2006
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It may have been mentioned and I just missed it but personally I think one of the huge keys is also FLEXIBILITY.... The ability to be the one to many. By this I mean that you have to be able to judge each person and each situation and adjust yourself to it. What works for one doesnt work for another. You have to be cognizant to the particular person and situation, really read what they need and want, adjust yourself to it, and then deliver.

One sub might want you to care about her state of well being frequently (how does it feel, tell me about the pain your feeling, tell me do you deserve more), while another will just be disgusted that you even asked....

I hear of to many Doms (or wanna be?) that think that their style is it, and that the submissive should just accept it... because thats how its going to be, and while this may work with some subs there is now way it will work for all.

(in reply to chellekitty)

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Post #: 45

RE: Good Dom vs. Bad Dom - 9/6/2007 11:24:36 AM

Stallions

Posts: 12
Joined: 9/6/2007
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A good Dom is Dom to the entire submissive, physical, mental, emotional, & spiritual. A good rule-of-thumb is "You shall know them by their deeds & not by their words.

(in reply to CuriousLord)

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Post #: 46

RE: Good Dom vs. Bad Dom - 9/6/2007 2:19:48 PM

teamnoir

Posts: 226
Joined: 4/5/2005
From: San Francisco Bay Area California
Status: offline

Empathy might make the difference for a good partner for you.

However, I don't think it's necessarily required nor necessarily the most important trait for doms in general. Personally, I'll take someone who is skilled with communications over one with empathy most days.

(in reply to TheIronOrchid)

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Post #: 47

RE: Good Dom vs. Bad Dom - 9/6/2007 2:41:20 PM

slavegirljoy

Posts: 1207
Joined: 11/6/2006
From: North Carolina, USA
Status: offline

Wow, i like how you said this. It's very succinct and, in my opinion, absolutely correct.

A Dom, who can see the full potential of a sub and do whatever is necessary to bring that potential out and put it to good use, to me, is a very wise and productive Dominant. Being able to "read" the submissive is a very valuable skill or trait, in a Dominant.

A sub, who is not being fully utilized and not allowed to be and become the entire person that (s)he is and is capable of, will often become frustrated and maybe even bored and dissatisfied with the BDSM experience. Untapped potential is a waste. A "good" Dom doesn't waste the potential within his sub.

slave joy
Owned property of Master David
_________________________________________________________
"Are we there yet? Not quite. We all evolve at our own pace."

quote:

ORIGINAL: Stallions

A good Dom is Dom to the entire submissive, physical, mental, emotional, & spiritual. A good rule-of-thumb is "You shall know them by their deeds & not by their words.

(in reply to Stallions)

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Post #: 48

RE: Good Dom vs. Bad Dom - 9/7/2007 7:18:09 AM

CreativeDominant

Posts: 11032
Joined: 3/11/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Grlwithboy

quote:

ORIGINAL: CreativeDominant

quote:

ORIGINAL: TheIronOrchid

Hey all,

I'm fairly new to the scene. I've been meeting people in the community. I've been trying to understand what the difference is between a Dom/Domme that earns respect and one that does not.

I think I've had an epiphany on the subject and I'd like for all you knowledgable types out there to throw your 2 cents in.

From what I've seen in play sessions of these 2 types of Doms/Dommes the major difference that I can spot is empathy. Respected Doms/Dommes have empathy every step of the way whereas the others do not.

Opinions?

Empathy is good but, as someone else noted, the ability to know when to keep it in check and when to let it flow unhindered is just as important. Being able to be, what to some outside observers might appear, an asshole in a scene...non-caring, ruthless, vicious...may be just what is called for in that scene right then and may be exactly what the submissive on the receiving end wants. It is important to remember that while all the characteristics noted in the first paragraph may be present in the dominant, they are not necessarily all called for during a scene and, in some ways, if the dominant does not have the ability to keep some of those "good" characteristics properly balanced during the scene, can actually be a hindrance.

Yes yes yes yes yes! I can't begin to explain how many times I have to explain that being "nice" to H, at the wrong time is an inhuman act of cruelty I will not engage in!

~bows~ thank you. Contributions may be sent to "His High Holy One, aka CD, at an address to be given out privately.

(in reply to Grlwithboy)

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Post #: 49

RE: Good Dom vs. Bad Dom - 9/7/2007 8:32:56 AM

jaxnsax

Posts: 106
Status: offline

Greetings
I disagree with your observation that empathy is what makes a Dominant good or bad simply on the basis that not all Dominants ‘show’ empathy; this in no way means that they don’t feel it though.
I would also like to ask why you feel that empathy earns respect. Just curious.
I hope this day finds you in good humor and good health
jaxon

(in reply to TheIronOrchid)

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Post #: 50

RE: Good Dom vs. Bad Dom - 9/7/2007 8:53:02 AM

LATEXBABY64

Posts: 2107
Joined: 4/8/2004
Status: offline

it really is the difference between being a robot and a person. if you do not have the basic feeling qualities then you are just a machine going through the motions. I for one never trust anyone with out the basic human emotions or feelings most serial killers have those type of idenities. only fool would be with such a person .

(in reply to jaxnsax)

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Post #: 51