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RE: When the love of your life is Vanilla? - 9/10/2007 6:00:36 PM

earthycouple

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I said "this is who I am. Can you love all of me and let me be me?" He said "yes". We are wonderfully happily married.

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RE: When the love of your life is Vanilla? - 9/10/2007 6:04:36 PM

SusanofO

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I guess that depends on how much of a masochist one is.

I agree with earthycouple. If it were me, at this point, I might be in love with them, but I'd also ask them if they'd "let me be me".

If not, I'd ask myself if I was in love with them enough to give up BDSM forever (I'm pretty sure it could happen).

I'd also ask myself why - with probably 1 billion other potential partners on the planet, (and if 10% are maybe supposedly into BDSM, make that 100 million potential BDSM partners, then, that I could possibly also fall in love with) - I was willing to consign the rest of my life to this Vanilla one? (or hope someone else made me ask myself that question).

IMO, it's not an odd question to ask oneself. They might be in love now - how long are they going to be able to live without a BDSM activity? 2 years? 10 years? 45 or 50 years?

- Susan

< Message edited by SusanofO -- 9/10/2007 6:40:46 PM >

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RE: When the love of your life is Vanilla? - 9/10/2007 6:29:53 PM

xoxi

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That makes sense. And you're right about a lot of people seeing sex as meant for procreation only, but I doubt I would have even a mental connection with them ;)

But yeah, for me sex and love are far too intertwined to be able to even get to the point of falling in love with that person. I guess there are plenty of people who do...all I can do is sympathize.

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RE: When the love of your life is Vanilla? - 9/10/2007 6:47:19 PM

SoulOfIron2007

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I have been there and done that, plenty of times. I have willingly submerged My tendencies as a Dom because, sometimes, you meet someone who you are just so incredibly into, for no reason you can put your finger on, that you want to be with them above everything else.

It is therefore with a great deal of confidence that I can tell you it is often (not always, and again, this is just my opinion) a horrible, horrible mistake. Once you become aware of an aspect of yourself, you have to acknowledge it and feed it, or it WILL rebel. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but someday. And when it does, it will, unless you are lucky, screw with your head at the very least, and shatter your relationship at the worst.

The best thing you can do, I think, is to be open and honest with your partner about what you want and need. If they cannot provide it, then you need to look inside yourself and decide if it is worth it to give up a significant part of who you are to pursue a relationship that may, in the end, choke you. Sometimes it is, and a lot of it depends on who you are as a person.

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RE: When the love of your life is Vanilla? - 9/10/2007 7:04:57 PM

petdave

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quote:

ORIGINAL: fungasm
But there is no possibility of you exploring your kinks with this person.

With no possibility, i'd walk away. i'd rather be alone that put that much energy into lying and hiding.

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RE: When the love of your life is Vanilla? - 9/10/2007 7:08:53 PM

kikinymph

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First comes the Honest Discussion: I am _____ (fill in the blank with whatever) and this is what I mean by that. Find out what the other person is willing to do to accomodate you, if anything--cuz everyone has limits, whether or not they know it.

Changing a relationship from "'nilla" to kinky, or even introducing the concept of kink, or different orientations (dom, sub, switch, bi, homo, hetero, etc etc, name your kink) can be freaky and awkward--been there, done that. I can't imagine starting a relationship, and knowing that those kinds of challenges are present, allowing myself to get to the "head over heels in love" phase. But then, that could be my fever talking.

Kiki

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RE: When the love of your life is Vanilla? - 9/10/2007 7:11:39 PM

spanklette

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I married my vanilla counterpart and it was a disaster. Even with all of the honesty, it ended in hurt feelings and eventually divorce. Of course, I married young and there were other issues aside from being incompatible sexually, but I think that was a huge part of it for both of us. We were unable to fulfill each other on the basest of levels. It seemed like something that love would "conquer", but love wasn't enough.

I know it is possible for me to fall in love with someone who isn't compatible, but it just cost me too much in the long run. Before I met Daddy, I had to force myself to remember that being sexually compatible doesn't mean love either. Luckily, I found both.

< Message edited by spanklette -- 9/10/2007 7:12:20 PM >

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RE: When the love of your life is Vanilla? - 9/10/2007 7:25:38 PM

sexyred1

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My ex-husband was far more vanilla let he initially portrayed himself to me. He was simply the nicest man I have ever been with. I tried to make it work, but you need what you need. If we did not have other essential life differences, I might have stayed with him in hindsight, but I have a feeling I would have ended up resenting him or cheating.

I also met an amazing man 2 years ago who was completely and utterly vanilla. I just could not make it happen; I would rather be alone than not be who I am.

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RE: When the love of your life is Vanilla? - 9/10/2007 7:48:38 PM

Mercurialdame

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"Really vanilla. No oral sex, no anal sex, no bondage, lights off, best 45 seconds of your life, vanilla."

honey, that's not vanilla, that's frigid.

Id start with telling the person that i love everything about them, but the sex, can we improve it please? lets go see someone, read some books, talk about what we can do, what can we try ourselves?

But, if your past that phase, and at the end of the day they are not willing or able to change, id respect their decision, and then decide what is really important in my life.
I have, in my past, been here. Then, the lack of sex, was a symptom of other more intrinsic parts of our relationship that were over. And so i left. I then met another, many years later, who was as kinky as i, who'm i also loved dearly, and guess what? we werent kink compatable. Then onto a 3rd time lucky scenario, both sexual rampants, both kinky as fuck, but, both kinky compatable to each other and very much in love. And a life partner to boot! Worth holding out for. Because im worth it.

Life sure is a bitch sometimes aint it.

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RE: When the love of your life is Vanilla? - 9/10/2007 7:57:16 PM

Redoubt

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quote:

ORIGINAL: fungasm

Really vanilla. No oral sex, no anal sex, no bondage, lights off, best 45 seconds of your life, vanilla.

Then thats a really great friend... and 45 secs... seriously, anyone here have a sexual experience that only took 45 secs? at least one that ended after 45 secs.

I'm still in love with a nilla girl, and she lets me spank her and tie her up... but she isn't nearly into it as much as I am (but she does it - and that indicates submission, right?- one would hope, but one is a tad confused about one's situation)

What your describing would be torture, and unless I'm the one giving it, honey... I don't do torture.

No oral sex??? I'd rather be single and horny.

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RE: When the love of your life is Vanilla? - 9/10/2007 7:59:25 PM

iammachine

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quote:

best 45 seconds of your life

Alright, that made me laugh out loud.

In any case, I really don't see myself being confronted with this situation. Well, anyway, not so vanilla that they are also opposed to at least my being poly.

Which is my answer for having my vanilla, and my other flavors too.

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RE: When the love of your life is Vanilla? - 9/10/2007 8:20:32 PM

BDsbabygirl

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The consensus here seems to be to seek satisfaction elsewhere on the side - with the 'Love's consent - or leave, and that probably is the best route.

For the record, though, my Dom fell in love with me when we were still 'vanilla' friends and to this day, he still says that he'd go Vanilla for me if I can't handle this lifestyle and that if that were the case, he'd be the "happiest Vanilla motherf----- the World has known". And I believe him...wouldn't ask it of him, but believe him, for I know that I am more to him than a piece of ass, he loves me for my other end, my mind and he values that - and all of my great personality traits - more than he values getting some in a kinky way.

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RE: When the love of your life is Vanilla? - 9/11/2007 1:55:47 AM

Tristan

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That would depend on how vanilla my partner was. I found that quite often the vanilla women I've dated were submissives espesially in the bedroom. I can live with that if everything else clicks.

Come to think of it, I've never dated anyone from the lifestyle, and all of my g/fs turned out to be submissives. I've always looked for basic personality compatibility, and the sexuality always eventually followed. It was something that eventually developed within a few months of dating as we became more comfortable with each other. I always found myself more and more in the dominant role without really discussing the lifestyle or pushing my partner into something she was not into.

I suppose it's natural to want to explore your sexuality with your partner. I guessing that there might be a correlation between basic personality types and sexuality. I'm also guessing that if your sexuality does not match, there might also be a good chance your personality types do not match either.

Tristan

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RE: When the love of your life is Vanilla? - 9/11/2007 2:45:25 AM

xoxi

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Tristan

That would depend on how vanilla my partner was. I found that quite often the vanilla women I've dated were submissives espesially in the bedroom. I can live with that if everything else clicks.

Come to think of it, I've never dated anyone from the lifestyle, and all of my g/fs turned out to be submissives. I've always looked for basic personality compatibility, and the sexuality always eventually followed. It was something that eventually developed within a few months of dating as we became more comfortable with each other. I always found myself more and more in the dominant role without really discussing the lifestyle or pushing my partner into something she was not into.

I suppose it's natural to want to explore your sexuality with your partner. I guessing that there might be a correlation between basic personality types and sexuality. I'm also guessing that if your sexuality does not match, there might also be a good chance your personality types do not match either.

Tristan

Sooooo true!

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RE: When the love of your life is Vanilla? - 9/11/2007 2:54:07 AM

WinsomeDefiance

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If/when I'm fortunate enough to find the 'love of my life' (again) I wouldn't give a damn if they were vanilla. Anyone I could fall in love with, would already have many of the traits I look for in a person, and those traits far exceed the importance of a kinky sex life to me.

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RE: When the love of your life is Vanilla? - 9/11/2007 3:08:15 AM

ExSteelAgain

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Tell her that you will ony give her vanilla slaps. That's where you cum on your hand and slap her. Easy.

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RE: When the love of your life is Vanilla? - 9/11/2007 5:22:09 AM

dvart

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I wonder if some of your pets secretly quite enjoy a vanilla marriage and kink on the side.
You might find that if wifey turned kinky he might actually run a mile.
After all he must have presented his vanilla side when courting the wife and almost certainly made no mention of his darker desires.
Men quite often find a double life quite empowering as they don't have to fully commit to either situation.

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RE: When the love of your life is Vanilla? - 9/11/2007 5:33:15 AM

came4U

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sounds like the guy has a variation of a Madonna complex if he doesn't want his wife in that situation.

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RE: When the love of your life is Vanilla? - 9/11/2007 6:14:52 AM

xoxi

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quote:

ORIGINAL: dvart

I wonder if some of your pets secretly quite enjoy a vanilla marriage and kink on the side.
You might find that if wifey turned kinky he might actually run a mile.
After all he must have presented his vanilla side when courting the wife and almost certainly made no mention of his darker desires.
Men quite often find a double life quite empowering as they don't have to fully commit to either situation.

Wow. I'm thinking you hit the nail on the head here. I'm guessing it's not only a not full commitment thing but possibly also a bit of shame for his own desires. He can't accept them fully enough to live them openly but can't live wihout them either.

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RE: When the love of your life is Vanilla? - 9/11/2007 6:55:38 AM

Dnomyar

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If your potential partner is strictly vanilla move on. If frustration is your kink then marry them. There is no middle ground in this.

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