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RE: When the love of your life is Vanilla? - 9/11/2007 7:16:35 AM   
Missokyst


Posts: 6041
Joined: 9/9/2006
Status: offline 		Dang.. yet another thread where nilla sex is thought of as boring.  Ok.. no bondage, I can live with it.  No pain.. I can do myself.  No anal... umm.. wait, anal isn't designated solely bdsm, but let's assume no anal, .. last time I checked people still masturbate, I can do that. 
But.. 45 seconds of sex?  LOL good grief.  I have had HOURS of nilla sex.  in out in out, flipped over, flipped sideways, legs over head, sucking, fucking.. for hours.  So much so that the bed was damp with sweat and still cold to touch in the middle of the night.
Nilla sex is boring if you are. 
Sex is great!
And having a partner who otherwise suits you, makes you happy, but isn't kinky, doesn't seem like a bad thing to me.
Kyst
quote:

ORIGINAL: fungasm

Really vanilla.  No oral sex, no anal sex, no bondage, lights off, best 45 seconds of your life, vanilla.  

The world is a better place when you are near them.  This human is beautiful,  kind, makes you look good, makes you a hot cup of tea (or makes sure you have a cold beer) when you come home.  Would be an incredible parent to your children. This Vanilla human loves you. A lot.  And you love them. 

But the sex is always going to be... okay.  


_____________________________

pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding ~Gibran, Kahlil

“The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for.”
― Bob Marley


(in reply to fungasm)
Profile   Post #: 41
RE: When the love of your life is Vanilla? - 9/11/2007 8:34:59 AM   
murmur


Posts: 394
Joined: 9/26/2005
Status: offline 		oh there is. Ever heard about the grey areas?
My partner is vanilla and even though i know he's not that much interested in BDSM, i'll do everything i can to make our relationship works (cause it isnt based on it anyway). The love is there, the complicity, chemistry and connection and communication. I'll not be bratty (i want my spanks, damn it! *pout*) cause he isnt what i would want him to be. I love all of him and want him to stay that way.

(in reply to Dnomyar)
Profile   Post #: 42
RE: When the love of your life is Vanilla? - 9/11/2007 9:05:26 AM   
camille65


Posts: 5746
Joined: 7/11/2007
From: Austin Texas
Status: offline 		At this stage in my life it would be highly unlikely that I could fall in love with someone 'vanilla'. I know myself too well and I know my needs. I know that forcing a relationship that only touches part of my life is a bad bad way to go.

I married someone who I would call Vanilla when I was 24. I really thought love would be enough, that since we did love each other nothing could stand in the way of our happiness.

Ohboy was I wrong. I need the power exchange, I need a dominant counterpart.

For several years I shoved my needs deep deep down inside. Tried to lie to myself that I didn't need that, didn't even want that. Sick sick person, what kind of f&^k up needs that sort of thing. On and on until I was miserable and lost.

Eventually we settled into an awful pattern, I would act-out from sheer desperation and confusion. He of course didn't react like I hoped (taking charge and putting a stop to things) and everything would get worse. I would try to be just vanilla for him, I really did. Tried to be okay with the huge gap of things inside of me.

It took a while but I realised it was horribly unfair of me to need something he simply didn't have to give. He had no interest in anything related to kink or dominance, infact it disturbed him greatly.

_____________________________


~Love your life! (It is the only one you'll get).




(in reply to murmur)
Profile   Post #: 43
RE: When the love of your life is Vanilla? - 9/11/2007 9:20:09 AM   
SlaveSuru


Posts: 89
Joined: 11/27/2006
Status: offline

Before my Master and I met I had been n a relationship with a wonderful guy for 2 years.  He is unfortunatly the most vanilla man I have ever known.  I loved him dearly but whenever I approached him about things getting kinky or even sex (( He s still a virgin despite my best efforts)) He would shrug off the question and talk about fishing.  A year in and I knew we couldn't work.  I stayed with him till his health improved then told him how I felt.  We really should have been more upfront and save ourselves the pain but I thought I could be vanilla and not crave submission,  It just wasn't so.

So no, I couldn't be with someone not lifestyle.


_____________________________

Master Dax's loyal and loving slave
Those who walk in the footsteps of others often find themselves lost, forge your own path in life!

(in reply to fungasm)
Profile   Post #: 44
RE: When the love of your life is Vanilla? - 9/11/2007 9:25:45 AM   
pinkme2


Posts: 236
Joined: 8/17/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: camille65

At this stage in my life it would be highly unlikely that I could fall in love with someone 'vanilla'. I know myself too well and I know my needs. I know that forcing a relationship that only touches part of my life is a bad bad way to go.

I married someone who I would call Vanilla when I was 24. I really thought love would be enough, that since we did love each other nothing could stand in the way of our happiness.

Ohboy was I wrong. I need the power exchange, I need a dominant counterpart.

For several years I shoved my needs deep deep down inside. Tried to lie to myself that I didn't need that, didn't even want that. Sick sick person, what kind of f&^k up needs that sort of thing. On and on until I was miserable and lost.

Eventually we settled into an awful pattern, I would act-out from sheer desperation and confusion. He of course didn't react like I hoped (taking charge and putting a stop to things) and everything would get worse. I would try to be just vanilla for him, I really did. Tried to be okay with the huge gap of things inside of me.

It took a while but I realised it was horribly unfair of me to need something he simply didn't have to give. He had no interest in anything related to kink or dominance, infact it disturbed him greatly.


This is my life right now in a nutshell. 

As for the 45 seconds of sex, that's basically what it is around here when i'm lucky enough to get any affection at all. 

(in reply to camille65)
Profile   Post #: 45
RE: When the love of your life is Vanilla? - 9/11/2007 9:51:06 AM   
YourhandMyAss


Posts: 5516
Joined: 6/25/2006
From: Sacramento
Status: offline 		that's a rather narrow veiw of what vanilla people are like. My x was vanilla and the sex, enjoy it was not always"just ok"  sometimes it was rather damn spectacular, and it certaintly wasn't 45 seconds.
quote:

ORIGINAL: fungasm

Really vanilla.  No oral sex, no anal sex, no bondage, lights off, best 45 seconds of your life, vanilla.  


But the sex is always going to be... okay.  

Alison

(in reply to fungasm)
Profile   Post #: 46
RE: When the love of your life is Vanilla? - 9/11/2007 9:56:22 AM   
YourhandMyAss


Posts: 5516
Joined: 6/25/2006
From: Sacramento
Status: offline 		I went that rout, it made finding people a lot harder, because nobody was willing to play around with a person who was attached, albeit with permission from vanilla mate. It was a lot of heartache and dissapointment in my case.

quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross

Myself, I'd enjoy a vanilla relationship with them if they were ok with my not being monogamous. 


(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)
Profile   Post #: 47
RE: When the love of your life is Vanilla? - 9/11/2007 3:53:48 PM   
TheScrivener


Posts: 91
Joined: 8/11/2007
Status: offline 		Although I believe this question opens up some very interesting discussion, I could never maintain a vanilla relationship, alone, and be satisfied long-term.

Love is just one element of many that makes up a healthy relationship.  It's not dominant enough to overcome everything else I would have to sacrifice for it.

I wouldn't enter a relationship with someone who was outright vanilla-vanilla, so to speak.  Mostly vanilla with just enough chocolate...maybe. 

_____________________________

"We are the facilitators of our own creative evolution."

- Bill Hicks


(in reply to fungasm)
Profile   Post #: 48
RE: When the love of your life is Vanilla? - 9/11/2007 4:38:36 PM   
jssubc


Posts: 46
Joined: 5/29/2006
Status: offline
quote:

Really vanilla. No oral sex, no anal sex, no bondage, lights off, best 45 seconds of your life, vanilla.


i've been there and i can truly equate with this and it was an incredibly hard choice to make. To hurt someone so badly who just cannot be the person that you want to go to a higher level with. Your quote is no exaggeration (at least in my case) and i just couldnt do it anymore. It hurt so very much but i just couldnt see going to my grave living such a sterile life.
Am i selfish? Yes i think i am but everyone has a right to be happy.


(in reply to fungasm)
Profile   Post #: 49
RE: When the love of your life is Vanilla? - 9/11/2007 5:03:28 PM   
murmur


Posts: 394
Joined: 9/26/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: pinkme2

quote:

ORIGINAL: camille65

At this stage in my life it would be highly unlikely that I could fall in love with someone 'vanilla'. I know myself too well and I know my needs. I know that forcing a relationship that only touches part of my life is a bad bad way to go.

I married someone who I would call Vanilla when I was 24. I really thought love would be enough, that since we did love each other nothing could stand in the way of our happiness.

Ohboy was I wrong. I need the power exchange, I need a dominant counterpart.

For several years I shoved my needs deep deep down inside. Tried to lie to myself that I didn't need that, didn't even want that. Sick sick person, what kind of f&^k up needs that sort of thing. On and on until I was miserable and lost.

Eventually we settled into an awful pattern, I would act-out from sheer desperation and confusion. He of course didn't react like I hoped (taking charge and putting a stop to things) and everything would get worse. I would try to be just vanilla for him, I really did. Tried to be okay with the huge gap of things inside of me.

It took a while but I realised it was horribly unfair of me to need something he simply didn't have to give. He had no interest in anything related to kink or dominance, infact it disturbed him greatly.


This is my life right now in a nutshell. 

As for the 45 seconds of sex, that's basically what it is around here when i'm lucky enough to get any affection at all. 



My thoughts goes to you. I'm sorry to hear that.

(in reply to pinkme2)
Profile   Post #: 50
RE: When the love of your life is Vanilla? - 9/11/2007 5:14:34 PM   
ArgoGeorgia


Posts: 256
Joined: 2/9/2007
From: Atlanta, Georgia
Status: offline 		I tried to do it, I really did.  Unfortunately, the relationship went from vanilla to frigid to sex being a distant memory.  I wonder if maybe my desires made her nervous or feel inadequate, but I feel I did my best to keep this from happening.  Biology probably played a part on her side.  But, in the end, we grew distant and I think that the obvious difference between my kink and her vanilla was only the tip of the iceberg. 

So, from now on, once I'm ready to start looking again, I'm going to make sure that those big differences are kept to a minimum.  The smaller items can be dealt with through compromise. 

_____________________________

Been there, done that, got the t-shirt. No, seriously. They have t-shirts for everything nowadays.

(in reply to murmur)
Profile   Post #: 51
RE: When the love of your life is Vanilla? - 9/11/2007 5:37:26 PM   
Prinsexx


Posts: 4584
Joined: 8/27/2007
Status: offline 		I've read every post in this thread..I didn't skip them and I am fascinated by the answers, as I am the question.
I started off by thinking, to be honest, what a silly scenario....it could never happen. But  then guess what?
It's helped me figure this out///I USED to be able to love without toppings. At least I thought I was in love (mostly each time I do) and then.....my eyes would wander and there was that allurement, that attraction steaming out of someone else....always someone else....and of course it was that spark, that recognition....that gorgeous subversive connection....
and  I may not have known it as love at first, I think it was fear of the unknown....but it was my submission to their control and THAT has increasingly taken the place of what I called love which was really just bland security/safeness.......everyday meal/deal.....

I recently have become fascinated by the gay scene and have discovered friendships I never knew possible with gay men where of course there is complete absence of attraction....but my best friend is a gay man and we ARE the Will and Grace of this town......he teaches so much about the possibility of true friendship eveyday....
and SO the conclusion here of sorts...for me I ideally want to have a partner who is BOTH my dominant sexual fantasy in living form AND my male assexual best friend...someone with whom I share interests outside of the scene...as I think JUST bdsm basis of relationship is also possible but limiting....
I need to be able to discuss psychology, or telekenesis or differentiation for equal opportunities...whatever....but
I will need also to have an intelligent rap.....
so vanilla forget it as my eyes will wander and that can't be love....
anybody that can convince me they can truly love in a vanilla way and have bdsm needs fulfilled with another I'm sorry if this offends you but you are simply repressing..........

Prinnie

(in reply to fungasm)
Profile   Post #: 52
RE: When the love of your life is Vanilla? - 9/11/2007 5:37:58 PM   
Mercurialdame


Posts: 66
Joined: 9/10/2007
Status: offline 		Im aware that bdsm has a lot of milegage in good sex. But the two letters of D/s are not addressed in sex alone. sometimes the need for a powerexchange is vital if the relationship is to survive. There are times when i need to feel the security of submission. No sex unless with a dominant can fill that void. Similarly, the reverse. Powerexchange is the need. Sex is just a vehicle to ride it on. But there are so many others.
This to me is what separates kink from need. One is a add on, a plug in if you will. The other is the hard drive itself. And i could never live with a vanilla, i need powerexchanges within my relationship. And lots of fetish, sensation play, fire, rubber, chain, roleplay, anal, fisting, watersports, and whatever else seems like a great eveing in or out. I never want to stop playing. I never want to stop trying new ideas with him. I never want to stop laughing at our antics as they go wrong from time to time. Vanilla would destroy my personality over time. I would lose myself.
Never again thankyou.
Mecurialdame

(in reply to ArgoGeorgia)
Profile   Post #: 53
RE: When the love of your life is Vanilla? - 9/11/2007 6:32:17 PM   
mischievousone


Posts: 164
Joined: 8/15/2007
Status: offline 		People have been doing it for centuries, in the past woman were brought up to believe that sex was for procreation only.  That to actually enjoy it was a sin.  Unfortunately the men strayed regardless how their wives felt.  If something like this is the case they need to reevaluate their relationship.  Or its possible that deep down he feels that this represents the perfect woman, this is how a woman should be.  Alway above reproach. 

Either way, he has some thinking to do.

(in reply to Mercurialdame)
Profile   Post #: 54
RE: When the love of your life is Vanilla? - 9/11/2007 7:15:57 PM   
TemptingNviceSub


Posts: 3054
Joined: 10/1/2005
Status: offline 		The ghosts of relationships past has shown me that I could, in no way ,go there again. I am far to old and much more wiser as to what I want in life now than I was then..So with that said..this scenerio would not happen..I could not fall for vanilla, for the lack would be as resounding to me as train crashing into my home..Tempting

_____________________________

I have greatly enjoyed the second blooming...suddenly you find at the age of 50, that a whole new life has opened before you.........Agatha Christie.

You must make tracks into the unknown~~Thoreau

(in reply to mischievousone)
Profile   Post #: 55
RE: When the love of your life is Vanilla? - 9/12/2007 8:10:20 AM   
SlaveSubtoserve


Posts: 282
Joined: 6/21/2006
Status: offline 		 
...great thread! Yes its been an issue for me in some past relationships-- found that with no D/s no matter how good the vanilla attraction it just sooner or later, most likely the former, peters out for lack of sexual energy/chemistry.

(in reply to TemptingNviceSub)
Profile   Post #: 56
RE: When the love of your life is Vanilla? - 9/12/2007 8:12:26 AM   
SlaveSubtoserve


Posts: 282
Joined: 6/21/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Mercurialdame

Im aware that bdsm has a lot of milegage in good sex. But the two letters of D/s are not addressed in sex alone. sometimes the need for a powerexchange is vital if the relationship is to survive. There are times when i need to feel the security of submission. No sex unless with a dominant can fill that void. Similarly, the reverse. Powerexchange is the need. Sex is just a vehicle to ride it on. But there are so many others.
This to me is what separates kink from need. One is a add on, a plug in if you will. The other is the hard drive itself. And i could never live with a vanilla, i need powerexchanges within my relationship. And lots of fetish, sensation play, fire, rubber, chain, roleplay, anal, fisting, watersports, and whatever else seems like a great eveing in or out. I never want to stop playing. I never want to stop trying new ideas with him. I never want to stop laughing at our antics as they go wrong from time to time. Vanilla would destroy my personality over time. I would lose myself.
Never again thankyou.
Mecurialdame



....what a great description!

(in reply to Mercurialdame)
Profile   Post #: 57
RE: When the love of your life is Vanilla? - 9/12/2007 8:47:53 AM   
taintedgypsy


Posts: 228
Joined: 2/10/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: SlaveSubtoserve

quote:

ORIGINAL: Mercurialdame

Im aware that bdsm has a lot of milegage in good sex. But the two letters of D/s are not addressed in sex alone. sometimes the need for a powerexchange is vital if the relationship is to survive. There are times when i need to feel the security of submission. No sex unless with a dominant can fill that void. Similarly, the reverse. Powerexchange is the need. Sex is just a vehicle to ride it on. But there are so many others.
This to me is what separates kink from need. One is a add on, a plug in if you will. The other is the hard drive itself. And i could never live with a vanilla, i need powerexchanges within my relationship. And lots of fetish, sensation play, fire, rubber, chain, roleplay, anal, fisting, watersports, and whatever else seems like a great eveing in or out. I never want to stop playing. I never want to stop trying new ideas with him. I never want to stop laughing at our antics as they go wrong from time to time. Vanilla would destroy my personality over time. I would lose myself.
Never again thankyou.
Mecurialdame



....what a great description!


ok I have to add that that is an awesome description ... no add ons here ... it will not work ... I enjoy all the vanilla type parts of a relationship but without the D/s I do not think it would work ... I would not be satisfied in or out of bed ... I would eventually move on ... I am a gypsy after all what would you expect ...

_____________________________

..."Life is not about waiting for the storms to pass ... It is about learning to dance in the rain."

Equal Opportunity Slut (Yeah ... best of both worlds lol)

warm smiles to all

(in reply to SlaveSubtoserve)
Profile   Post #: 58
RE: When the love of your life is Vanilla? - 9/12/2007 11:20:48 AM   
sophia37


Posts: 1433
Joined: 2/7/2006
Status: offline 		Youre confusing the word "vanilla" with the words "low sex drive". If low sex drive is ok with you and you can get your jollies elsewhere, then theres no problem.  

(in reply to fungasm)
Profile   Post #: 59
RE: When the love of your life is Vanilla? - 9/13/2007 5:56:08 PM   
blmtrsne


Posts: 201
Joined: 6/29/2004
Status: offline 		I sort of grew into being a Femdom: my husband asked to be my slave. That is not that different for us from a 'normal' situation with one huge difference: I'm liberated from all kind of restrictive thoughts because I know my hubby will accept what I want, meaning my slave does what I like: at home, in bed, in a bar. I just need to tell him. I'm wearing the pants.

_____________________________

-- Owner of slrn733561 --

(in reply to fungasm)
Profile   Post #: 60
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