quote:

ORIGINAL: RRafe

The closest to this I ever get to this, is just saying "You need to leave me alone for a while.. I might be impressed if  you can tell me why I'm upset at you-when I'm finished."

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ORIGINAL: domiguy

Interesting post.....Ignoring as punishment.  I couldn't help but laugh as all of the women chimed in that they dislike this type of behavior, when they are the ones that perfected the art form...

"Hey Kathy, have you spoke to Maureen lately?"  Maureen Glares at her friend..."I'm not speaking to her ever ever again....She wore the exact same dress that I had on to Nicky's reception...What a bitch!"

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ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross

I find it very ineffective IN THE LONG TERM. 

Amazing how much we talk about communication
and yet the most common thing people do when something goes wrong is to shut down.

Now, withdrawing to allow emotions to settle and minds to clear is excellent. 
Giving someone quiet time to reflect and understand both before and after "punishment" is also a great help.

But simply "I am going away" or "You are not allowed to be with me" I have found
is actually a really horrible way to effect both behavioral change and good problem solving skills in the relationship. 

What it says is "When something goes wrong, you will be left alone to handle it." 

This generally inspires fear and insecurity and some abandonment. 

Add that to the guilt most subs already feel when something goes "wrong" and you end up with a big mess.

As well, the type of person who uses this punishment
also tends to be very bad at dealing with emotions and long term behavioral modification to begin with,
so at the end of the "punishment period"
you've got a sub who has learned they will be left alone when things go wrong,
and that their master will be upset and leave them alone if they express serious problem feelings. 

Since the punishment itself CAUSED serious problem feelings, you've got yourself a Grade A fuck up at that point. 

With everyone dancing from one foot to the other trying to "be a good sub" and "be the strong dom"
and no one actually working well together.

How much better if people let things calm down,
talked over where things went wrong, why they went wrong,
worked on the SOURCE of the issue (because disobedience almost always is a sign of a deeper problem),
and used it as a way to become closer, more intimate and a better team together?

I don't think punishment in any form is automatically bad or wrong-
I am sure there are lots of subs and doms who feel it is very effective for them
(though I'd question how really secure and long term those situations tend to be),
but I really do believe in the school of working together and that everyone succeeds and fails together. 

I want to use every opportunity to bring us closer-
someone doing something wrong is a sign that I'm not paying enough attention to something,
not that I need to go away and be less involved.

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ORIGINAL: ArgoGeorgia

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ORIGINAL: RRafe

The closest to this I ever get to this, is just saying "You need to leave me alone for a while.. I might be impressed if  you can tell me why I'm upset at you-when I'm finished."

I couldn't have said it better - this is how I use it.  Not really as a punishment, more as a time out to help me cool off and let them think about what occured.  I've found that if the sub can determine what happened by themselves they will be able to understand why it was bad and more quickly modify their behavior. 

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ORIGINAL: chellekitty

so my disclaimer: i didn't read the responses real well cause the issue is a trigger for me, but i want to through my opinion in anyway...probably because it is a trigger...
ignoring to me means cutting off communication 100% not just verbal, but visual, body, everything...and if your purpose is for me to rage and never trust you again...ignore away...cause that is what will happen...first time,  no second chances...of course if you are ignoring me, you don't see me walk out the door...
it is a repeated trauma reaction, i tell people going into relationships that i have PTSD and have have major triggers...thats one of them...and i see the excuse of "i need time to calm down" used a lot...well...i refused to be punished for you inability to handle your emotions...i can handle "we won't talk about it, right now" but don't cut off communication...and frankly, i wouldn't be with someone that emotionally unstable...and if they became that way i would insist they got help from a professional or i would leave...
if communication is the solution to 99% of our interpersonal problems how is cutting off communication for any period of time going to solve anything? now i am willing to see that punishment isn't necessarily for interpersonal problems, but how is being ignored an effective punishment for an intrapersonal problem?

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ORIGINAL: chellekitty

i never said anything about fits...i said the emotion i will experience will be rage...i also said, my physical response will be my leaving...you got that...right?

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ORIGINAL: chellekitty

sure, if you don't let me leave when i am raging, it's gonna get ugly...you've now trapped, essentially, an angry, irrational out of control animal....so....you made your bed. lay in it? cause at that point....advanced thinking, human mind has shut off, it is survival mode...and if you can't understand that, i don't need to be in any kind of relationship with you (friendship, romantic, whatever)

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ORIGINAL: chellekitty

once the adrenaline wears off...so basically its flight (mentally if people will leave me alone, physically if they won't) fight (if i am trapped) or fuck...see...people don't include fuck in there anymore...but its true...however, it can get really messy with me if the guys not much bigger or much stronger or trained in hand to hand combat....

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ORIGINAL: chellekitty

we would probably get along great...there is actually only one person i ever loose my temper with that i can't control it 100% of the time anymore...and thats my father...but thats 24 years of being abused and watching him abuse my mother so, i think i get a little leeway with that one...even then i am still getting better...

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ORIGINAL: kiyari
I want to use every opportunity to bring us closer-
someone doing something wrong is a sign that I'm not paying enough attention to something,
not that I need to go away and be less involved.



This seems to be rather a MALE notion of appropriate consequence to not getting their desired... effect.

Any FEMALEs in here, DOMMES or other...
who feel this is an appropriate tactic, I would like to hear your perspective.

Genuinely... ~k

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ORIGINAL: ownedgirlie
~ FR ~

I wanted to also note, however, that many submissives who are upset about something withdraw from their dominants, which is also unhealthy.  In many ways, it's a way of "punishing" the dominant for doing whatever he/she did which upset the submissive.  I actually think that practice is more common than a dominant ignoring a submissive in punishment.  I hear about it all the time - "Oh I just shut down when I'm upset.  I can't even talk to him."  In both directions, I find the behavior to be destructive.

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ORIGINAL: RRafe

I can be almost eerily calm under stress situations. But I absolutley will not tolerate being subjected to fits of rage. And people who lose it like that are not likely to stay in my circle of friends for long. I just don't need to be subjected to that.