Collarspace Discussion Forums


Home  Login  Search 

What is your definition of "Assertive"?


View related threads: (in this forum | in all forums)

Logged in as: Guest
 
All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> General BDSM Discussion >> What is your definition of "Assertive"? Page: [1] 2   next >   >>
Login
Message << Older Topic   Newer Topic >>
What is your definition of "Assertive"? - 9/13/2007 9:08:45 AM   
SusanofO


Posts: 5672
Joined: 12/19/2005
Status: offline 		I think "Assertive" means  being direct, without being rude.

I think "Agressive" means being direct with a tinge (or more) of hostility, and possibly with an "agenda" in mind.

I realize these definitions are subjective for people (and I don't have a dictionary close-by at the moment).

Just wondering what anyone else thinks these terms mean - and how they differentiate the two terms.

Thanks very much for any replies.

- Susan 

< Message edited by SusanofO -- 9/13/2007 9:17:22 AM >

_____________________________

"Hope is the thing with feathers,
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune without the words,
And never stops at all". - Emily Dickinson
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: What is your definition of "Assertive"? - 9/13/2007 9:17:34 AM   
mistoferin


Posts: 8284
Joined: 10/27/2004
Status: offline 		In my opinion, assertion is voicing or standing up for one's opinions, rights, beliefs or ideas while remaining respectful of the opinions, rights, beliefs or ideas of another....while aggression is voicing or standing up for one's opinions, rights, beliefs or ideas without regard for the opinions, rights, beliefs or ideas of another.

_____________________________

Peace and light,
~erin~

There are no victims here...only volunteers.

When you make a habit of playing on the tracks, you thereby forfeit the right to bitch when you get hit by a train.

"I did it! I admit it and I'm gonna do it again!"

(in reply to SusanofO)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: What is your definition of "Assertive"? - 9/13/2007 9:18:32 AM   
SusanofO


Posts: 5672
Joined: 12/19/2005
Status: offline 		mistoferin: That's a good definition, IMO (really good). Thanks  for the reply.

I guess I never considered myself to be "aggressive", and had to re-think it when someone told me they thought I was. Of course I think this remark was made in the context of me somehow not being"submissive enough", and IMO, the person had an "agenda", so I am not paying too much attention (because I don't think I was rude to them, at all). But it caused me to re-think it (a little) - and  am just wondering exactly what other people's personal definitions of these terms are.   

I guess maybe we need to define "respectful" - I think I know what it means (and you as well), and think I generally try to be that way, w/ other people. But I guess it can be a relative term.

- Susan 

< Message edited by SusanofO -- 9/13/2007 9:31:09 AM >

_____________________________

"Hope is the thing with feathers,
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune without the words,
And never stops at all". - Emily Dickinson

(in reply to mistoferin)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: What is your definition of "Assertive"? - 9/13/2007 9:22:31 AM   
toservez


Posts: 1733
Joined: 9/7/2006
From: All over now in Minnesota
Status: offline 		Personally I think assertive is expressing oneself whether a need, opinion, comment or desire and/or dealing with a problem that requires action in a proactive manner and not waiting for another to bring it up or do something before making yourself known on an issue.

To me aggressive is a person who pushes things on to another person with little regard to the other person and does not have to be rude at all.

Examples:

Assertive: “I am really in the mood for Mexican food”
Aggressive: “Let’s go grab some Mexican food for dinner”

Assertive: “We need to come up with a plan of action now for this problem”
Aggressive: “Let do this for that” which requires another person doing what the person says.

I think being assertive is an admirable trait for all human beings but aggressive depends on the nature and way it is carried out. Personally I enjoy aggressive people in all walks of life and especially in dominants.


_____________________________

I am sorry I do not fit Webster's defintion of a slave but thankfully my Master is not Webster.

"Anything that contradicts experience and logic should be abandoned." - H.H. The 14th Dalai Lama

(in reply to SusanofO)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: What is your definition of "Assertive"? - 9/13/2007 9:26:17 AM   
daddysprop247


Posts: 1712
Joined: 6/24/2005
From: DC Metro area
Status: offline 		actually, the dictionary definitions of these two words are very close....assertive means "boldly or confidently aggressive," and aggressive means "boldly assertive", pushy, forward, etc. how the connotations of the two became so different in everyday usage of the terms i don't know.

when i personally think of assertive, i think of someone who strives to express themselves or get their way in a confident, super self-assured, direct and bold way. when i think of aggressive, i think of someone who is just VERY assertive. both are qualities i find desireable/attractive in a Dominant or any man really, and both are qualities i would find undesireable/unattractive in myself or any submissive.














 




 

(in reply to SusanofO)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: What is your definition of "Assertive"? - 9/13/2007 9:27:47 AM   
SusanofO


Posts: 5672
Joined: 12/19/2005
Status: offline 		toservez: Wow, that is good food for thought. Thanks for the reply.

daddysprop: Thank you - I didn't realize the dictionary definitions of both words were this close (interesting).

I appreciate that ya'll don't equate Aggressive with "rude" - this is pertinent to me because I am a Switch, and can be aggressive when I think it's necessary - maybe someof it spilled over into my "submissive side" (however, I am not totally convinced that's altogether true in this case, as I think this person who told me I was, was just ticked I wasn't responding the way they would prefer. And since the are not my Master, I don't necessarily have to, IMO). Anyway - thanks for the replies.

-Susan

< Message edited by SusanofO -- 9/13/2007 9:40:42 AM >

_____________________________

"Hope is the thing with feathers,
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune without the words,
And never stops at all". - Emily Dickinson

(in reply to toservez)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: What is your definition of "Assertive"? - 9/13/2007 9:45:44 AM   
sambamanslilgirl


Posts: 10926
Joined: 2/5/2007
From: Chicago, IL
Status: offline 		though i'm submissive, i'm both assertive and aggressive because i know to express myself and  not afraid of getting what i want without resorting to brattiness

_____________________________

...2011 - year of the fabulous rock star life ...and i do it so well...


...announcing Mr. & Mrs. British Petrol ...yeah, marrying into oil is slick business...

(in reply to SusanofO)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: What is your definition of "Assertive"? - 9/13/2007 9:49:06 AM   
SusanofO


Posts: 5672
Joined: 12/19/2005
Status: offline 		Interesting point - not all submissives are the same, I agree.

Thanks for replying.

- Susan



_____________________________

"Hope is the thing with feathers,
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune without the words,
And never stops at all". - Emily Dickinson

(in reply to sambamanslilgirl)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: What is your definition of "Assertive"? - 9/13/2007 10:00:14 AM   
velvetears


Posts: 2933
Joined: 6/19/2006
Status: offline 		i am not looking in the dictionary for my definition so i am speaking from experience ifyou will. Assertive means to stand up for youself and not allow others to speak for you.  You know what you want and go about getting it in a direct way by making your needs known without hiding behind any false facades. 

Aggressive means you go about getting what you want or need without regard to other people around you. It also has a flavor of cohersion or physical force/intimidation attached to it. 

An example:  Someone cuts in front of you in line

Assertive - getting the persons attention and telling them that you were standing in line first and would appreciate it if they stepped behind you. 

Agressive - Making rude comments and telling the person you were there first and had better step out of the way, then shoving yourself in front of the other person in line. 

_____________________________

Religion is for people who are scared of hell, Spirituality is for people who have been there

(in reply to SusanofO)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: What is your definition of "Assertive"? - 9/13/2007 10:02:28 AM   
SusanofO


Posts: 5672
Joined: 12/19/2005
Status: offline 		velvetears: Thanks for replying. That is traditionally the way I've usually thought of the two terms as well.

To anyone: I have to go out somewhere, but I do appreciate the replies very much; they are helpful for me to read -and will checkk back on this thread later today.

- Susan

< Message edited by SusanofO -- 9/13/2007 10:05:52 AM >

_____________________________

"Hope is the thing with feathers,
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune without the words,
And never stops at all". - Emily Dickinson

(in reply to velvetears)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: What is your definition of "Assertive"? - 9/13/2007 10:14:20 AM   
RRafe


Posts: 2060
Joined: 8/29/2007
Status: offline 		assertive-direct with tact.

agressive-direct with self interest.

_____________________________

I seem to be some wierd combination of Ren and Stimpy

(in reply to SusanofO)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: What is your definition of "Assertive"? - 9/13/2007 10:18:12 AM   
MiladyElaine


Posts: 1086
Joined: 10/10/2004
Status: offline 		I think being assertive is to take initiative about anything.
Being aggressive is with a tinge of anger or purpose.


_____________________________

A crazy quilt is warm but oddly put together.

Milady

(in reply to RRafe)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: What is your definition of "Assertive"? - 9/13/2007 10:19:12 AM   
chellekitty


Posts: 3923
Joined: 3/27/2005
Status: offline 		as a submissive i have had to train myself to be assertive in order to "protect the property"...even if that is from inadvertant harm from my (theoretical at this time) owner...and through that training i had to learn how to differentiate between assertive behavior, for me, and agressive behavior, for me...and its been a whole lot of, its not what you say, its how you say it...and learning personal boundaries (i had some long time aquaintences laugh out loud because i told them i have personal boundaries and suggested they get some), and defining what are needs and what are wants...a lot of introspection...stealing another phrase from a friend...i have to be a me before i can be a we...
chelle...


_____________________________

One thing I know: the only ones among you who will be really happy are those who will have sought and found how to serve. ~Albert Schweitzer

(in reply to SusanofO)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: What is your definition of "Assertive"? - 9/13/2007 10:21:21 AM   
TNstepsout


Posts: 1558
Joined: 8/3/2005
Status: offline 		I agree with others definitions. I've always thought of assertive as a good characteristic and aggressiveness as a bad one. Of course I think there are times when one MUST be aggressive, as when dealing with an aggressive person.

(in reply to RRafe)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: What is your definition of "Assertive"? - 9/13/2007 10:30:24 AM   
TheIronOrchid


Posts: 21
Joined: 8/30/2007
Status: offline 		I need to think of the difference between assertive and aggressive by analogy.

The assertive takes a stand and will not retreat from it.

The aggressive takes a stand and then seeks to push forward.

(in reply to TNstepsout)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: What is your definition of "Assertive"? - 9/13/2007 11:44:09 AM   
akisha


Posts: 2071
Joined: 6/25/2005
Status: offline 		I have a very assertive demeanor. I will speak up for myself and let my thoughts and idea know with out a problem.I'm very self assured and rarely doubt myself

I do no have an agressive demeanor, for i will not push my ideal on others or demand they agree with me. I will not demand to be the center of attention or try to be.

_____________________________

I'm confused.... No wait!!! Maybe I'm not

It's not a blonde moment! It's momentary peroxide posioning. ;)

Your pain makes me smile ~ Happy Bunny

532-095-649

(in reply to TheIronOrchid)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: What is your definition of "Assertive"? - 9/13/2007 11:54:02 AM   
iammachine


Posts: 1549
Joined: 1/25/2006
Status: offline 		as·ser·tive 
adj.   Inclined to bold or confident assertion; aggressively self-assured.

ag·gres·sive
adj.  
  • Inclined to behave in an actively hostile fashion: 
  • Assertive, bold, and energeticThere ya go! :)

    Anyway, my personal definition and differentiation:

    Assertive is more, just, simply being confident in conveying your desires. To assert oneself is to be resolute, without being overly forceful.

    Aggressive, is more context sensitive, though implies a bit more uncompromising force to me.





    _____________________________

    I still hear you scream... in every breath, every single motion

    (in reply to SusanofO)
    • Profile   Post #: 17
    RE: What is your definition of "Assertive"? - 9/13/2007 12:28:19 PM   
    Tigrita


    Posts: 484
    Joined: 8/16/2007
    From: California
    Status: offline     		I totally agree with the running definitions of assertive and aggressive, socially speaking. 

    An additional definition of aggressive comes to mind for me though, physical aggression.  I suppose it is somewhat the same; acting on impulse, not considering exchange with the other, but simply exercising your will selfishly over theirs.  Of course I enjoy this sexually from a partner, but the thing is, I can get this way too when I get very playfully excited and feel like a good wrestling/sparring match.  I certainly don't want or expect to win though ;)

    (in reply to iammachine)
    Profile   Post #: 18
    RE: What is your definition of "Assertive"? - 9/13/2007 12:36:33 PM   
    YourShyPet


    Posts: 185
    Joined: 6/30/2006
    Status: offline     		Reading these definitions some are worded a tad differently but all seem to have the same feeling to them....

    I'm extremely assertive & aggressive... but some how many people seem to tranlate it to be difficult or bratty... LOL silly people.

    _____________________________

    kittin

    http://www.myspace.com/daddys_kittin

    (in reply to Tigrita)
    Profile   Post #: 19
    RE: What is your definition of "Assertive"? - 9/13/2007 12:50:38 PM   
    xoxi


    Posts: 1066
    Status: offline     		What one person considers assertive another might find aggressive.  I also think they are behaviors rather than personality traits.

    I think when a person is being assertive, they will back off, or will agree to disagree, when they are made aware or realize that the other person is uncomfortable, insulted, hurt, or intimidated.  When a person is being aggressive they are playing to win, and another person's discomfort will be a sign they are winning.  They might switch tactics in order to continue the conversation, but they will still pursue it until agreed with.

    To use the example above, I think "Let's get some Mexican food" could be considered assertive.

    If the other person says "I don't know, Mexican usually gives me heartburn" the assertive person will say "Oh I didn't know, do you have any suggestions?" or even "Oh wow, how about burgers then?" while the aggressive person would say "Well what do you order? Why don't you just get a quesadilla or something? I'm sure they have something that won't make you feel sick, come on let's go."


    < Message edited by xoxi -- 9/13/2007 12:53:54 PM >

    (in reply to YourShyPet)
    Profile   Post #: 20
    Page:   [1] 2   next >   >>
    All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> General BDSM Discussion >> What is your definition of "Assertive"? Page: [1] 2   next >   >>
    Jump to:





    New Messages No New Messages
    Hot Topic w/ New Messages Hot Topic w/o New Messages
    Locked w/ New Messages Locked w/o New Messages
     Post New Thread
     Reply to Message
     Post New Poll
     Submit Vote
     Delete My Own Post
     Delete My Own Thread
     Rate Posts




    Collarchat.com © 2025
    Terms of Service Privacy Policy Spam Policy

    0.078