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RE: Subs Vanilla Life - 9/15/2007 1:55:06 AM   
MaamJay


Posts: 2101
Joined: 9/2/2005
Status: offline 		Master and i share O/our lives 24/7 so i echo several posters here by saying there is but one life, not bdsm vs vanilla for U/us. That said, when W/we first got together, (over 3 years ago), i wasn't ready to give Him total carte blanche over all aspects of my life ... and neither was He ready to assume control over all of them. The handing over has been a gradual thing over time, as and when i have felt that i wanted Him to handle things, i have offered them to Him. Examples have been control over My Dominant side (Jay) and Her activities, control over my work schedule, control over my social life, control over my finances. Some things He has handed back eg generally my work schedule is up to me and He only intervenes if He sees that i am lacking sufficient self-discipline to get things done in a timely way (ie without having to pull an all-nighter!). He now has control over the finance and the house is solely in His name despite it being my money that paid for it. For some that would be the ultimate submission (and some would think it the ultimate insanity LOL!) but i am totally at ease with it.

Does that mean there is nothing left to submit? Nope! In fact, i have just identified an area where i would be hard-pressed to submit to Him fully, and that is in music. He and i have both had years of experience as musicians, though coming from different fields (and i'm 15 years older so i have a few more up my sleeve!). W/we are wanting to create a duo to get some paid gigs happening. In O/our earlier attempts to work together musically, W/we've had a few fairly heated disagreements (though the biggest one ended in BOTH of U/us being "right about the note" when W/we replayed the original CD ... W/we'd just been listening to different instruments!). Am i entirely ready to deny my years of experience and meekly say "yes Master" if W/we disagree over something musically? Not yet! However, W/we had a long practice session today, learnt 4 songs ... and not one argument! i'll keep ya posted LOL!

Essentially, i wouldn't be in this if Master wasn't interested and involved in my "vanilla" activities, W/we are a whole. If you trust Him with a flogger, a knife and the rope ... shouldn't you be able to trust Him with your friends, your schedule and your money?

violet[A] (Maam Jay didn't get a word in but agrees!)

_____________________________

Life is a song ... and I love singing it! (By me!)

(in reply to Celeste43)
Profile   Post #: 21
RE: Subs Vanilla Life - 9/15/2007 3:22:01 AM   
Twice


Posts: 179
Joined: 9/15/2005
From: Gainesville, Florida
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: feastie

As I've mentioned before, I don't believe there is a separation between bdsm life and vanilla life.  There's just life.  If you're only interested in someone when it comes time for the kinky stuff, then what have you really got with her?


I beg to differ slightly... my Dom and I have our own lives outside the bedroom.  But we're in a very serious, long-term relationship as vanilla boyfriend/girlfriend, too.  When not in a sexual or sensual situation, I'm a very different person.  And our dynamic is just as enjoyable then, but very different.  I'm only submissive when it comes to kink, but I'm His permanently.


_____________________________

-K

(in reply to feastie)
Profile   Post #: 22
RE: Subs Vanilla Life - 9/15/2007 9:06:06 AM   
celticlord2112


Posts: 5732
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Twice

quote:

ORIGINAL: feastie

As I've mentioned before, I don't believe there is a separation between bdsm life and vanilla life.  There's just life.  If you're only interested in someone when it comes time for the kinky stuff, then what have you really got with her?


I beg to differ slightly... my Dom and I have our own lives outside the bedroom.  But we're in a very serious, long-term relationship as vanilla boyfriend/girlfriend, too.  When not in a sexual or sensual situation, I'm a very different person.  And our dynamic is just as enjoyable then, but very different.  I'm only submissive when it comes to kink, but I'm His permanently.



I'm glad you commented on this--it underscores an important point.  Involvement/Domination in the "vanilla" portions of a submissive's life is ultimately a matter of negotiation, and it is for each couple to regulate where that boundary is. 



_____________________________



(in reply to Twice)
Profile   Post #: 23
RE: Subs Vanilla Life - 9/15/2007 9:26:24 AM   
DominicsJoy


Posts: 53
Joined: 8/28/2004
Status: offline 		    I must agree. Many are just players, wanting to fulfill a fantasy or looking for a bit of excitement to spice things up in a relationship. Many marriages or relationships have times when those involved dabble in other lifestyles to experience what they have to offer. 
   Master and I have a 24/7 relationship, because as we both have found, we cannot turn off our natures and "return" to another world. To each their own. No right or wrong here, just different approaches.
  
Master's girl- joy

(in reply to celticlord2112)
Profile   Post #: 24
RE: Subs Vanilla Life - 9/15/2007 9:33:37 PM   
slaverosebeauty


Posts: 1941
Joined: 12/12/2004
From: Cali
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Stallions
Is it improper or unethical for a Dom to involve himself in, or even try to establish a subs "vanilla "life?


Depends on the type of relationship that they have.  MJ is part of my life, not JUST my M/s side; He has met my bestfriend and her boyfriend; He keeps 'tabs' on things in my vanilla life as well as is needed; thats how our relationship works, its all encompasing and total; its not just 'M/s' and nothing more, for us, thats boring and not what we want. Its defiantly proper and ethical for MJ to interject Himelf in my life, if He didn't then we would not be in this relationship.
 
We keep most M/s aspects to ourselves, thats how our relationship is; He calls me His girlfriend and I refer to Him as my boyfriend or lover in vanilla situations as approprate; yet, those who know of our relationship and are 'ok' with it, I have called MJ 'Sir' before in front of them or even 'Master' slipped out last time, not that I think anyone caught it.

_____________________________

http://slaverosebeauty.livejournal.com/

"Friends live on in our hearts, regardless if they are here or not."

(in reply to Stallions)
Profile   Post #: 25
RE: Subs Vanilla Life - 9/16/2007 4:27:56 AM   
Twicehappy2x


Posts: 1096
Joined: 3/27/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: mnottertail

OK, I could do that, but the fuckin laundry better be set, or your are taking a $50 asskick..........fair? 


Aw....only 50 bucks for laundry?

< Message edited by Twicehappy2x -- 9/16/2007 4:32:19 AM >

_____________________________

The human heart is not a finite container but an ever expanding universe with all the stars contained there in.

(in reply to SolarAndViolet)
Profile   Post #: 26
RE: Subs Vanilla Life - 9/16/2007 4:34:13 AM   
DisirUrdsFylgja


Posts: 63
Joined: 2/26/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: SolarAndViolet

quote:

ORIGINAL: mnottertail

OK, I could do that, but the fuckin laundry better be set, or your are taking a $50 asskick..........fair? 


You do talk a big game, don't you, Internet Tough Guy.
-Solar


As some of you are not aware
Our beloved Mnottertail
Is the One Eyed God
Come to the boards to give us a nod
 
Odin All Father in disguise
As Hup the fool he often seems wise
In either guise
He comes to dispense
His hard earned wisdom without recompense



_____________________________


No pattern to behold, give me back the Gods of old
Explode with color; drench my soul,descend upon the rainbow.

(in reply to SolarAndViolet)
Profile   Post #: 27
RE: Subs Vanilla Life - 9/16/2007 4:45:33 AM   
passionflower2


Posts: 8
Joined: 7/21/2007
Status: offline 		hi. I have to agree, for a relationship to grow both lives have to work alongside each other, otherwise its never going to grow ...if thats what you want to happen.Its just a case of communication to avoid your nilla life taking over and losing the d/s dynamics that you have, its hard work but can be done , and yes i believe he has to become involved in your nilla life else how do each of you really move forward?

(in reply to Celeste43)
Profile   Post #: 28
RE: Subs Vanilla Life - 9/16/2007 5:59:56 AM   
SirDraco7


Posts: 108
Joined: 8/7/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Stallions

Is it improper or unethical for a Dom to involve himself in, or even try to establish a subs "vanilla "life?


I agree with what many others have put.  It depends on the relationship.
What they both seek, desire and want.  Where they are going..  etc etc etc.

So...  maybe.

(in reply to Stallions)
Profile   Post #: 29
RE: Subs Vanilla Life - 9/16/2007 6:07:54 AM   
CelticPrince


Posts: 3613
Joined: 4/15/2005
Status: offline 		In my opinion, it is all part of the D/s relationship. The further it goes the more the envolvement.

CO

(in reply to Stallions)
Profile   Post #: 30
RE: Subs Vanilla Life - 9/16/2007 7:57:09 AM   
feastie


Posts: 1793
Joined: 6/4/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Twice

quote:

ORIGINAL: feastie

As I've mentioned before, I don't believe there is a separation between bdsm life and vanilla life.  There's just life.  If you're only interested in someone when it comes time for the kinky stuff, then what have you really got with her?


I beg to differ slightly... my Dom and I have our own lives outside the bedroom.  But we're in a very serious, long-term relationship as vanilla boyfriend/girlfriend, too.  When not in a sexual or sensual situation, I'm a very different person.  And our dynamic is just as enjoyable then, but very different.  I'm only submissive when it comes to kink, but I'm His permanently.


So, he never looks at you a certain way, or touches you in a particular way while in a so-called vanilla setting which reminds you that you're his, or that he has plans for you later?  You never discuss the details of your life outside the bedroom with him?  Do you never make decisions with him or ask his thoughts on a particular situation?  Who decides what's for dinner?  Do you dress in ways that please him, even when it's not bedroom related?  Do you never do things for him for the sheer pleasure of doing for him or because he needs a bit of help?  Do you let him know what plans you have for the evening or weekend, but not ask permission?  Or do you just go with no regard to him?

Celticlord is absolutely correct, involvement in life outside of kink is as open to negotiation as the kink itself.  Whatever that negotiation is in your lives, whatever it entails, still doesn't separate vanilla from bdsm, it simply is your agreement.  The fact that you're permanently his doesn't stop at the bedroom door.  You're just as much his when you're shaving your legs as you are when you're sucking his cock.  Just because he may not control when you shave or how you shave doesn't change that you're his.  It still exists, it's still there.  Living daily life is living daily life.  Just because someone is a submissive doesn't mean that her laundry doesn't need washing, her tires don't need air or her teeth don't need brushing or that she might just have to work late.  And yet, so many people call these vanilla activities.  They're people activities and a part of everyone's lives without regard to what you do in the bedroom or dungeon, for that matter. 

_____________________________

Snarky and loving it.

Disclaimer: Any views expressed in any post are my opinions only. They may or may not be yours.

(in reply to Twice)
Profile   Post #: 31
RE: Subs Vanilla Life - 9/16/2007 9:26:51 AM   
Twice


Posts: 179
Joined: 9/15/2005
From: Gainesville, Florida
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: feastie

quote:

ORIGINAL: Twice

quote:

ORIGINAL: feastie

As I've mentioned before, I don't believe there is a separation between bdsm life and vanilla life.  There's just life.  If you're only interested in someone when it comes time for the kinky stuff, then what have you really got with her?


I beg to differ slightly... my Dom and I have our own lives outside the bedroom.  But we're in a very serious, long-term relationship as vanilla boyfriend/girlfriend, too.  When not in a sexual or sensual situation, I'm a very different person.  And our dynamic is just as enjoyable then, but very different.  I'm only submissive when it comes to kink, but I'm His permanently.


So, he never looks at you a certain way, or touches you in a particular way while in a so-called vanilla setting which reminds you that you're his, or that he has plans for you later?  You never discuss the details of your life outside the bedroom with him?  Do you never make decisions with him or ask his thoughts on a particular situation?  Who decides what's for dinner?  Do you dress in ways that please him, even when it's not bedroom related?  Do you never do things for him for the sheer pleasure of doing for him or because he needs a bit of help?  Do you let him know what plans you have for the evening or weekend, but not ask permission?  Or do you just go with no regard to him?


Of course I do, but that's because I'm His girlfriend and I love Him, not because I'm His sub.  Both have this effect of wanting to please Him with everything I do.  He's the only thing that crosses my mind on a regular basis, and the major factor in all my decisions.  In everything I do, I want to make Him happy and keep Him involved... but I was doing that before we were sexually active at all whatsoever, and before we even considered kink.  I love Him, and THAT dictates my actions, not the fact He's my Dom.


_____________________________

-K

(in reply to feastie)
Profile   Post #: 32
RE: Subs Vanilla Life - 9/16/2007 11:48:36 AM   
feastie


Posts: 1793
Joined: 6/4/2004
Status: offline 		*smiles*

I really don't think I need to say anything more.  You've demonstrated my point beautifully.

_____________________________

Snarky and loving it.

Disclaimer: Any views expressed in any post are my opinions only. They may or may not be yours.

(in reply to Twice)
Profile   Post #: 33
RE: Subs Vanilla Life - 9/16/2007 6:12:14 PM   
YourhandMyAss


Posts: 5516
Joined: 6/25/2006
From: Sacramento
Status: offline 		Yes, it's improper unethical and evil, and any dom trying to do so should be flogged with a spagettie noodle.

ok so I am being facetious.

quote:

ORIGINAL: Stallions

Is it improper or unethical for a Dom to involve himself in, or even try to establish a subs "vanilla "life?

(in reply to Stallions)
Profile   Post #: 34
RE: Subs Vanilla Life - 9/16/2007 6:22:30 PM   
Twice


Posts: 179
Joined: 9/15/2005
From: Gainesville, Florida
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: feastie

*smiles*

I really don't think I need to say anything more.  You've demonstrated my point beautifully.


I still think it's quite the contrary.  You are failing to understand that our "not in the bedroom" behavior has not changed at all from when we were strictly vanilla/plantonic to now.  In fact, it has changed very little from when we were just friends to now.


_____________________________

-K

(in reply to feastie)
Profile   Post #: 35
RE: Subs Vanilla Life - 9/16/2007 6:26:40 PM   
SeeksOnlyOne


Posts: 2012
Joined: 5/14/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MaamJay

Master and i share O/our lives 24/7 so i echo several posters here by saying there is but one life, not bdsm vs vanilla for U/us. That said, when W/we first got together, (over 3 years ago), i wasn't ready to give Him total carte blanche over all aspects of my life ... and neither was He ready to assume control over all of them. The handing over has been a gradual thing over time, as and when i have felt that i wanted Him to handle things, i have offered them to Him. Examples have been control over My Dominant side (Jay) and Her activities, control over my work schedule, control over my social life, control over my finances. Some things He has handed back eg generally my work schedule is up to me and He only intervenes if He sees that i am lacking sufficient self-discipline to get things done in a timely way (ie without having to pull an all-nighter!). He now has control over the finance and the house is solely in His name despite it being my money that paid for it. For some that would be the ultimate submission (and some would think it the ultimate insanity LOL!) but i am totally at ease with it.

Does that mean there is nothing left to submit? Nope! In fact, i have just identified an area where i would be hard-pressed to submit to Him fully, and that is in music. He and i have both had years of experience as musicians, though coming from different fields (and i'm 15 years older so i have a few more up my sleeve!). W/we are wanting to create a duo to get some paid gigs happening. In O/our earlier attempts to work together musically, W/we've had a few fairly heated disagreements (though the biggest one ended in BOTH of U/us being "right about the note" when W/we replayed the original CD ... W/we'd just been listening to different instruments!). Am i entirely ready to deny my years of experience and meekly say "yes Master" if W/we disagree over something musically? Not yet! However, W/we had a long practice session today, learnt 4 songs ... and not one argument! i'll keep ya posted LOL!

Essentially, i wouldn't be in this if Master wasn't interested and involved in my "vanilla" activities, W/we are a whole. If you trust Him with a flogger, a knife and the rope ... shouldn't you be able to trust Him with your friends, your schedule and your money?

violet[A] (Maam Jay didn't get a word in but agrees!)


i think the relationship you describe is awesome....congrats to both of you....

when i first started talking to mr man, we discussed what i wouldnt give over control of.....i said my parenting, my money and my job decisions.

that was that, with no problems.

it all boils down to communication.

edited to add, of course this wasnt 24/7, but it was perfect at the time.

< Message edited by SeeksOnlyOne -- 9/16/2007 6:27:49 PM >

_____________________________

it aint no good til it hurts just a little bit....jimmy somerville

in those moments of solitude, does everyone sometimes think they are insane? or is it just me?

(in reply to MaamJay)
Profile   Post #: 36
RE: Subs Vanilla Life - 9/16/2007 8:33:53 PM   
feastie


Posts: 1793
Joined: 6/4/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Twice

quote:

ORIGINAL: feastie

*smiles*

I really don't think I need to say anything more.  You've demonstrated my point beautifully.


I still think it's quite the contrary.  You are failing to understand that our "not in the bedroom" behavior has not changed at all from when we were strictly vanilla/plantonic to now.  In fact, it has changed very little from when we were just friends to now.



That IS the point.  Exactly!  There is no separation between vanilla and bdsm because it's JUST LIFE.  You live it how you live it.

_____________________________

Snarky and loving it.

Disclaimer: Any views expressed in any post are my opinions only. They may or may not be yours.

(in reply to Twice)
Profile   Post #: 37
RE: Subs Vanilla Life - 9/16/2007 8:39:17 PM   
Twice


Posts: 179
Joined: 9/15/2005
From: Gainesville, Florida
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: feastie

quote:

ORIGINAL: Twice

quote:

ORIGINAL: feastie

*smiles*

I really don't think I need to say anything more.  You've demonstrated my point beautifully.


I still think it's quite the contrary.  You are failing to understand that our "not in the bedroom" behavior has not changed at all from when we were strictly vanilla/plantonic to now.  In fact, it has changed very little from when we were just friends to now.



That IS the point.  Exactly!  There is no separation between vanilla and bdsm because it's JUST LIFE.  You live it how you live it.


Well, I still feel there's a significant difference between our relationship in the bedroom and our vanilla life.  And I like it that way.


_____________________________

-K

(in reply to feastie)
Profile   Post #: 38
RE: Subs Vanilla Life - 9/17/2007 8:02:49 AM   
AquaticSub


Posts: 14867
Joined: 12/27/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Stallions

Is it improper or unethical for a Dom to involve himself in, or even try to establish a subs "vanilla "life?


Is he my dominant or a play partner? I may not want someone who is just a play partner mucking around in my "vanilla" life, but if Valyraen wasn't interested in being involved in all of my life, he definately wouldn't be my dominant.


_____________________________

Without my dominance you cannot submit. Without your submission I cannot dominate. You are my equal in this, though our roles are different.-Val

It was ok for him to beat me but then he tried to cuddle me! - Me

Member:Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair

(in reply to Stallions)
Profile   Post #: 39
RE: Subs Vanilla Life - 9/17/2007 8:12:14 AM   
LaTigresse


Posts: 26123
Joined: 1/15/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Twicehappy2x


quote:

ORIGINAL: mnottertail

OK, I could do that, but the fuckin laundry better be set, or your are taking a $50 asskick..........fair? 


Aw....only 50 bucks for laundry?


Now I would want to actually SEE the mountain of laundry before commiting to that deal either way. Might end up a hard limit.


_____________________________

My twisted, self deprecating, sense of humour, finds alot to laugh about, in your lack of one!

Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

(in reply to Twicehappy2x)
Profile   Post #: 40
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