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RE: A friend of mine may be in danger. What do I do? - 9/18/2007 1:34:51 PM

sweetnurseBBW

Posts: 2464
Joined: 1/26/2006
From: North Carolina
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Unless you have absolute proof other than her words than you better be careful in what you do. She is an adult and needs to learn to use her own mind. She is capable of reporting this if she really thinks it is abuse. She does have the right to say no, but have you seen this abuse first hand? Making allegations against someone is a serious thing and it needs to have proof.

Why is it you must be the one to rescue her? That part I don't understand.

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Post #: 41

RE: A friend of mine may be in danger. What do I do? - 9/18/2007 2:12:33 PM

SirCache

Posts: 159
Joined: 3/26/2005
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There are some people whose chief fetish is being used. She clearly has the ability to decide for herself what to do, she has the means to cut off contact if she so desires. I won't rule out that she is at some level infatuated with him (I think most of us have had our fair share of hangers' on), but... it is her life. She's making excuses for him to somehow allow for the behavior to continue. There is always the distinct possibility that she is telling you falsehoods, and that she is really much better off than she is letting on.

(in reply to Theophrastus)

Post #: 42

RE: A friend of mine may be in danger. What do I do? - 9/18/2007 2:53:18 PM

domiguy

Posts: 12952
Joined: 5/2/2006
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if she's hot...Have you ever considered making the suggestion that she should get away from this asshole by transferring to a school in the Chicagoland area?

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Post #: 43

RE: A friend of mine may be in danger. What do I do? - 9/18/2007 3:09:17 PM

julietsierra

Posts: 1841
Joined: 9/26/2004
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I only got to the end of the first page here, so maybe someone else has already pointed this out...

But, why is it ok for you to do something under the guise of "protecting" her that she may not agree with and all you'll say is that that's a risk you're willing to take, but it's not all right for someone else to make the same choice?

You see, if you go against what her wishes are, aren't you behaving in exactly the same way you claim the other person is? Non-consent is non-consent, whether it's for a kiss or intervention in "protection" of an otherwise capable individual. Simply because her self-esteem may or may not be in the toilet is no reason for not honoring her wishes.

In your zeal to "protect" her, you are infringing upon her right to have the kind of relationship she is choosing - just because you don't think it's a "good idea."

God save me from friends like you.

juliet

(in reply to Bobkgin)

Post #: 44

RE: A friend of mine may be in danger. What do I do? - 9/18/2007 3:19:32 PM

LadyHugs

Posts: 2299
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Dear Theophrastus, Ladies and Gentlemen;

I personally think that some people identify bullies as 'Dominant.' Those who are insecure and focus on 'submissive' types; is because they 'seemingly' don't have spine or the balls to say no and forced into behaviors they would not find in their fantasy and or their goals in life. To often 'control freaks' and those who are domineering are thought of in the same vein as Dominant. This is a flaw in assumptions and perceptions of those new to the scene and or just exposed to porn movies, books and fantasy writings and or cyber scenes.

Control freaks, domineering sorts and or bullies -- they are focused on how they can control others as they cannot control themselves. These control freaks, domineering and or bullies use fear, negatives, force, threats and using their size and power to intimidate and separate anybody they see as an easy target--from those friends and family members who have been more long term and good friends to that person. Iscolation is the key element of all the control freaks, domineering and or bully sorts. Threats of any kind, no matter how subtle and or obvious--should be considered serious.

That said--It is a proven fact, that those individuals who are well meaning, who push as hard as the person they are trying to fend away from the friend in perceived danger--will fail. What I would suggest is have this lass look at Dr. Phil's web site--based on this very same issue. Another site would be Montel William's web site, as he has featured women who have been hoodwinked by smooth talkers and stalkers. Another web site would be for abuse and battered women. Local chapters may be listed differently however, the campus should have links which students can research themselves and fill in the template of which they can see what they are dealing with. One can always have them talk to church leaders, student body members, campus groups and or sports teams.

My views of slaves and or submissive men and or women, are that they are not 'doormats' or frightened into submission and walk on egg shells and or scared to live and or scared to say 'No' to their Master/Mistress/Owner/Trainer/Dominant and or Mentor. Most Masters I associate want to strengthen and uplift a slave's confidence--not tear down. The lifestyle is not a prison camp.

Another personal observation and if in the person's position--what has that college boy done in his life to be deemed a leader and not a thug and disrespectful to other people? What examples does this chap lead with? Fist and or fear, aggressive behavior--intimidation, threats, breaking possessions that mean a lot to that person--as to say, this what happens if you cross me, make me mad, look at me the wrong way, do as I say..[insert the menu of excuses and uses for fear, intimidation and deminishing another's reputation, spirit and or sense of self esteem and or self worth.]

All I can say from personal experiences, you can warn a person and also tell them you will be there for them when all is said and done. Friends do that. People have to learn from their own mistakes. It is a good friend who is there to lift a person back up and be there when they walk their journey into being an adult. People learn more by the mess they get into and how they find a way out, than those who have had a smooth unchallenged path. Just be there as a good friend and listen. Take notes and document what was said. Emotions can skew information and assumptions are not enough for legal action to work with.

Work with campus rules that already exist. Report this guy's violations of the established rules. Let us not be the "Lone Ranger." Report concerns to the authorities on campus--they are the professionals. I am sure after the Virginia Tech Massacre that a couple of the neighbor's kids perihed in, my nephew ran late --otherwise he would be on the floor dead to; will want to know of any individual which puts anybody ill at ease. Even if personality conflicts--at least there is a system on how to follow up and be watchful. This might not be the only case that this chap has bullied and is charming at the same time.

Just some thoughts.

Respectfully submitted for consideration,
Lady Hugs

(in reply to Theophrastus)

Post #: 45

RE: A friend of mine may be in danger. What do I do? - 9/18/2007 3:33:37 PM

Stephann

Posts: 4214
Joined: 12/27/2006
From: Portland, OR
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Frankly, and I'm surprised I missed this the first time too, there's a very clear point missed.

He doesn't even know the guy's name.

If a good friend of mine, someone who I would consider intervening on her behalf, started dating a new guy, I'd ask his name (assuming she didn't gush it out in the first five minutes.) The fact that you believe your friendship to be so strong that you know her...yet she witholds very key elements of her personal life, suggests to me that the relationship you believe you share isn't really as deep as you think (or hope) it is.

If she can't/won't tell me who she's dating, she's probably not really my friend to begin with. The attitude you're presenting to us, in the guise of a white knight rather than a caring and concerned human being, is probably exactly why you two haven't become good enough friends in the first place.

Seriously, take a good hard look at your relationship with her, and answer for yourself if you genuinely care for her as a friend, without ulterior motives. Ask yourself why you're permitting her to emotionally burden you when she clearly don't reciprocate the trust you have in her.

Stephan

_____________________________

Nosce Te Ipsum

"The blade itself incites to violence" - Homer

Men: Find a Woman here

(in reply to LadyHugs)

Post #: 46

RE: A friend of mine may be in danger. What do I do? - 9/18/2007 3:53:18 PM

Kalista07

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Joined: 7/1/2007
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This is said, of course, with the utmost respect intended... However, i must advise You that Your friend doesn't appear to be very invested in this friendship with You... It seems to be somewhat one sided. The things that lead me to this conclusion are: the fact that she has not even told You this man's name, the fact that she continues to unload on You emotionally (having no concern for it's impact on You), and won't take any responsibility for her actions... i also feel the need to tell You that, as someone who was recently raped, beaten, and assaulted (and the authorities didn't do shit about it) before i told each of my friends i carefully weighed out the impact this might have on them. Because one thing i didn't want to do was to make myself feel better at their expense. i don't have that right.
Additionally, it not only angers me, but offends me that she would have such a nonchalant attitude about the possibility of her being raped. Which, frankly, makes me think a lot of this is about getting attention for her.
However, this is just my opinion.....

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“Love me when I least deserve it, because that's when I really need it.”
~~Sweedish Proverb

(in reply to Theophrastus)

Post #: 47

RE: A friend of mine may be in danger. What do I do? - 9/18/2007 4:44:21 PM

LadyHugs

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Joined: 1/1/2004
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Dear Kalista07, Stephann, Ladies and Gentlemen;

May I proffer a few thoughts based on both of your posts.

Not all individuals give their true names. Could this individual be in the 'screen name' identity phase.
Might it be, that the person does know their name however, fear of saying it might be the reasons behind withholding the identity. How many times do we hear in the news, which the abuducted are told-if you tell, I will come back and kill your friend, family, etc. Could this be such a case.

Could this be a drama, to 'test' how far a person will go to save them.

Could this be a drama as to create some sort of division and a parting of ways because they cannot say the relationship is over or, to create jealousy/envy to bring the other in...when they wanted to go off in another direction.

So many questions that can be under the blanket of the story. Just as much as relationships have many levels within itself. [Smiles] Only the truth is known to those who live it. For us in the audience--we must anticipate, assume, presume and wait for it all to unfold to its conclusion.

Just some thoughts.

Respectfully submitted for consideration,
Lady Hugs

(in reply to Kalista07)

Post #: 48

RE: A friend of mine may be in danger. What do I do? - 9/18/2007 4:50:15 PM

Stephann

Posts: 4214
Joined: 12/27/2006
From: Portland, OR
Status: offline

You don't call the police to make a case for a 'screen name.' Nothing in this thread suggests this is an internet drama issue; yet the advice I gave earlier still stands.

If this is the best friend she has in the world, I'd say she has a lot bigger problems than the alledged abuser. It's pretty clear by his tone, that it isn't her well being he has in mind; save for a collateral objective in pursuit of asserting his own 'role' in her life.

Stephan

_____________________________

Nosce Te Ipsum

"The blade itself incites to violence" - Homer

Men: Find a Woman here

(in reply to LadyHugs)

Post #: 49

RE: A friend of mine may be in danger. What do I do? - 9/18/2007 5:12:31 PM

domiguy

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Did I fail to mention that there are many highly accredited universities all around the Chicago area?.....What a great safe haven for a girl with her disposition.

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Post #: 50

RE: A friend of mine may be in danger. What do I do? - 9/18/2007 5:27:15 PM

LadyHugs

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Joined: 1/1/2004
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Dear Stephann, Ladies and Gentlemen,

In my area, the metropolitan area of Washington, DC; there is often cases in the news and police asking for tips; asking individuals for help looking for a individual with a 'street' name and or aliases and or a non de` plume; which is not their real name. I am thinking this could be and or may be a possiblity.

I would think ditching them both and focus on study and school work would be the best path for the lass.

Thank you for your thoughts.

Respectfully submitted for consideration,
Lady Hugs

< Message edited by LadyHugs -- 9/18/2007 5:29:25 PM >

(in reply to Stephann)

Post #: 51

RE: A friend of mine may be in danger. What do I do? - 9/18/2007 6:03:23 PM

arayofsunshine55

Posts: 545
Joined: 8/1/2004
From: San Francisco, CA
Status: offline

If you really think she is not into this, and shared a 2 minute kiss, then she really is not ready, at all, for WIITWD IMO. As to this:

quote:

So, this would normally be an open-and-shut case, right? Certainly, she's got enough grounds for a sexual harassment suit.

I'm not seeing the obvious.

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Sunshine

Is it not most transformative, most earthshaking, to pierce the veils of self-deception and illusion, and crack the eggshell of ignorance, to most intimately encounter oneself? Lama Surya Das

(in reply to Theophrastus)

Post #: 52

RE: A friend of mine may be in danger. What do I do? - 9/18/2007 6:06:10 PM

LuckyAlbatross

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Joined: 10/25/2005
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I think she's really into having the excitement of TWO males all hot for her- one trying to ravish and control her, and one trying to protect and save her. What's not to love?

Next time she complains, tell her she either has to decide to say yes or no to the guy. It's her choice.

Then change the subject.

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Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to arayofsunshine55)

Post #: 53

RE: A friend of mine may be in danger. What do I do? - 9/18/2007 6:19:01 PM

Kalista07

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Joined: 7/1/2007
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*deep sigh* Okay, i'm really not trying to come off like a total bitch here...However, having said that there comes a point in every person's life where they stop being a victim and begin being a volunteer. i don't have any sympathy for this person. Does that make me cold, callous, jaded? i don't know and frankly at this point and time i don't care.
LadyHugs: i learned the "real name" of my rapist as i was leaving the police station after they had busted me out of his house. Frankly, i think if she's going to school with this guy and still doesn't know his real name she has more issues than anyone of us on here is able to help with...
i stand by my original post and am going to have to say the more i think about it the more it appears to me that she's simply seeking attention.
Kalista

_____________________________

“Love me when I least deserve it, because that's when I really need it.”
~~Sweedish Proverb

(in reply to LadyHugs)

Post #: 54

RE: A friend of mine may be in danger. What do I do? - 9/18/2007 7:21:09 PM

TemptingNviceSub

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To the OP..it is my opinion that you could suggest she talk with her RA..I do believe they still have them..do they not?..Tempting

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(in reply to Kalista07)

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RE: A friend of mine may be in danger. What do I do? - 9/18/2007 7:39:20 PM

AquaticSub

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quote:

ORIGINAL: TemptingNviceSub

To the OP..it is my opinion that you could suggest she talk with her RA..I do believe they still have them..do they not?..Tempting

They do at my college at least.

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Without my dominance you cannot submit. Without your submission I cannot dominate. You are my equal in this, though our roles are different.-Val

It was ok for him to beat me but then he tried to cuddle me! - Me

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(in reply to TemptingNviceSub)

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RE: A friend of mine may be in danger. What do I do? - 9/18/2007 8:19:40 PM

sabba

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Greetings Master Theophrastus;

It sounds like she has everything going for her....she has the "bad boy" who is busting through the door to claim what He knows it His (the un-named male). she has the "white knight" who will come riding into the sunset to save her from the evil, scary man. sabba would almost bet that she is crying to the other man about a guy who just won't leave her alone, trying to get her to leave him, etc. she has two men, in essence, fighting for her. Why exactly would she change this situation, as she appears to enjoy it.

Now sabba knows that subs can be manipulative in their attempts to get what they want....however, she has you both exactly where she wants, it seems. Sure she's on the s side of the dynamic?

well wishes,
sabba{CB}

(in reply to Theophrastus)

Post #: 57

RE: A friend of mine may be in danger. What do I do? - 9/18/2007 10:25:21 PM

Bobkgin

Posts: 1335
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From: Kawarthas, Ontario, Canada
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quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross

I think she's really into having the excitement of TWO males all hot for her- one trying to ravish and control her, and one trying to protect and save her. What's not to love?

I will never ever ever understand some women.

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That you never really lived?

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Post #: 58

RE: A friend of mine may be in danger. What do I do? - 9/18/2007 10:41:14 PM

super12

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sounds like the OP wants to keep this girl to himself or being jealous... lol

(in reply to Bobkgin)

Post #: 59

RE: A friend of mine may be in danger. What do I do? - 9/18/2007 11:39:08 PM

came4U

Posts: 3572
Joined: 1/23/2007
From: London, Ontario
Status: offline

Theo

I stick to my initial advice statement. Let her take care of herself, and if you feel she isn't doing well at that, then try on her behalf.

This has gone all nuts with wannabe-psychology and love games. I actually didn't even know or consider the OP's gender as male or even as a wannabe lover, I saw the words 'want to help a friend' and kept my line of thinking as such. How it turned to 'you must want this girl??' uhh dunno.

If you are a good friend, snitch to her parents who pay the bill. I would prefer that if my daughters had some troublesome experience in university (thank god, they didn't). If it is truly a safety measure, sure, do all you can, if it is nonsense selfishness, NO.

I honestly don't know why you would ask advice on this sort of safety from a D/s community. The question turns out being analized and criticized by total strangers. Seek professional help honestly if it is a safety issue with a good friend. If your friend will not get help then it is her problem from now on. Both of you are students, see the campus safety-liason if your friend will not listen. That connection may help you grieve you loss of friendship of those who cannot help themselves and relieve your burden of being unable to rescue the unwilling.

Take a load off, study and do well.

(in reply to super12)

Post #: 60

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