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How do you attract a submissive? - 9/19/2007 10:09:58 AM   
ElanSubdued


Posts: 1511
Status: offline 		Note:  This thread is the inverse of the thread "How to NOT find a male slave".  I posted this on another BDSM web site, but I'm curious how people here may respond.  Another important thing to note is that while writing, I used the phrase "attracting a submissive" (or words to this effect).  There is a distinction between "attracting" and "expressing attraction".  The later is what I really mean.  Here's the OP:

I've read countless threads on BCOM (and on the other two sites, Alt and Collar Me) giving advice on how subsmissives can attract dommes. As a male submissive, over the last while I've been clarifying and redefining the qualities I find attractive and essential in a dominant partner. When I first got involved in BDSM, pretty much any woman willing to dominate me would do. I wasn't very selective because I didn't understand more subtle dynamics of BDSM and I also didn't know that a submissive could (and needs to) be selective when choosing a partner. That was a long time ago and I've since realized that whip wielding ability isn't necessarily a good indicator of life skills, relationship skills, and compatibility in general.

With the backdrop out of the way, I'm curious as to how dommes attract submissives. Let me clarify my question. I have quite a few platonic friends who are dommes. In terms of attracting just anyone, all they need do is put up a personals add and this will net hundreds (if not thousands) of responses. However, as I'm sure almost everyone here knows, most of these responses are garbage. Quantity does not equal quality. So, as a domme, what do you do to attract someone you find attractive as a relationship partner?

To answer this question as the receiver, here are some things dommes do that catch my romantic attention:

- Taking the time to tell me about herself in a detailed, meaningful way - someone who unwraps her soul before me and who is not afraid to reveal inner emotions, concerns, and insecurities.

- Communicating directly with intelligence, honestly, and passion. Showing that she has read my thoughts (or considered a conversation) and is interested in delving deeper.

- Making me a priority and demonstrating that my time is valuable.

- Being reliable - when a domme says she will follow-up, she does.

- Taking the time to get to know me. Digging inside my head to find out about my passions (inside BDSM, but especially outside of BDSM).

- Giving sincere, unsolicited compliments. (And yes, romantic things like telling me I'm sexy, intelligent, and adorable always work if they are in the right context.)

- Doing small, thoughtful gestures... sending links to favorite music, sharing stories about family, sharing stories about things that happened at work, sending flowers, etc.

- Flirting! Yep. Good, old-fashioned flirting never goes out of style.

- Being courteous and kind. Good manners never go out of style either.

- Demonstrating a balanced, mature approach to BDSM that shows an understanding of real life relationships and of human needs.


I've primarily addressed this thread to dommes, but submissives are welcome to join in. If you are a domme, how do you attract submissive partners and once you have their attention, how do you get to know them and romance them? If you are a submissive, what things about a domme attract your attention, what do you do to attract the domme's attention, and what things cause you to continue talking with someone?

TrulySublime.
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: How do you attract a submissive? - 9/19/2007 12:03:09 PM   
pixelslave


Posts: 1444
Joined: 8/19/2006
Status: offline 		Four things immediately come to mind, although I'm positive there are more.
 
1. Demonstrating a balanced, mature approach to life in general, that shows an understanding of real life relationships, responsibilities and human needs.  It's not just about BDSM!  We subs have existing lives and responsibilities which we cannot just drop or ignore because someone new comes into our lives and commands us as our new Domme that we do so!  That just doesn't work for me.
 
2. Flirting goes both ways!  As the OP pointed out it's nice for a Domme to flirt with me, but don't be afraid to flirt with a potential Domme!
 
3. Being open and honest with me about herself and her life.  I want to know my Mistress on the inside, what motivates her, where her weaknesses & strengths are, where's she's been, what her childhood was like, things she enjoys/dislikes and so forth.   How can I completely fall in love with her or learn how to please her if she can't completely open herself to me; trusting me to be vulnerable with her emotions, weaknesses, and things that sometimes trouble her?
 
4. Taking an interest in getting to know me on the inside; about my life and where I've come from.  Getting to know one another as in number 3 goes both ways.  If we're going to have a relationship, she's going to need to show me that it's mutual and that she desires to do the same.
 
 - pixel
 
   Collared to Majik

_____________________________

Chivalry isn't dead! It's for those who have it in their hearts & are willing to be taught. It's a way of life, a code of honor; this one's armor still needs some polishing!

(in reply to ElanSubdued)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: How do you attract a submissive? - 9/19/2007 12:32:53 PM   
MsLilac


Posts: 151
Joined: 5/31/2007
Status: offline 		When I was looking I attracted those I sought by being myself. I’m not into playing games, I’m a no messing type.

I don’t have techniques to romance a man, in all honesty, I have never had to make the first move. If I liked him and was interested, I didn’t suppress or over exaggerate it, I just showed my interest in them as a person naturally, I may flirt a little, but I don’t mess about by being all ‘cosmo‘ - I don’t pander to them by using ‘techniques‘.

I like the same back. I love to be romanced, and liked it when a man showed an honest, open interest in me as a person. As I mentioned I have always been approached first, I wouldn’t have been adverse in approaching a man, but I do prefer he approach first, it’s just the way I liked it.

_____________________________

I’m sorry, I don’t do autographs

(in reply to ElanSubdued)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: How do you attract a submissive? - 9/19/2007 1:55:12 PM   
ElanSubdued


Posts: 1511
Status: offline 		Pixel and MsLilac:  thanks for your replies.

Everyone:  just a small fix here:

--- In terms of attracting just anyone, all they need do
--- is put up a personals add and this will net hundreds
--- (if not thousands) of responses. However, as I'm sure
--- almost everyone here knows, most of these responses
--- are garbage.

Grrr.  Darnned Collar Me bulletin board.  This is better worded as follows (which I would change if the software would let me, but it won't):

"In terms of attracting just anyone, all they need do is put up a personals ad and this will net hundreds (if not thousands) of responses. However, as I'm sure almost everyone here knows, many of these responses are likely to be garbage."

And I just caught this too:  "TrulySublime."  This is my handle on that *other* site. :-)

ElanSubdued.

< Message edited by ElanSubdued -- 9/19/2007 1:56:41 PM >

(in reply to MsLilac)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: How do you attract a submissive? - 9/19/2007 7:17:43 PM   
cloudboy


Posts: 7306
Joined: 12/14/2005
Status: offline 		Attracting a malesub for Mistresses is far, far from the problem --- its bonding with / finding a good malesub which seems to be the trick.

Naturally these things aren't reduced to prescriptive formulas.

< Message edited by cloudboy -- 9/19/2007 7:19:09 PM >

(in reply to ElanSubdued)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: How do you attract a submissive? - 9/19/2007 7:58:11 PM   
ocilla


Posts: 1764
Joined: 6/12/2007
Status: offline 		Great thread.  are you going to come back and tell us how the different sites answered?

Well first off, I find that I often agree with MsLilac for some reason - however I have no problem approaching a fella first.  And contrary to what I hear about most Dommes - I do not in fact receive a whole lot of mail, so initiating a conversation allows me to find fellas that I think have true promise.

Second, I have not yet managed to attract a special sub.  I have attracted some temporary play partners which useful since I am relatively new to the world of BDMS.  But the thing I really do not care for in a temporary play partner is that for me the D/s dynamic is not being developed.  So that has been a bit frustrating and yet I do feel that it takes a whole lot of trust on the Domme and sub side to wade into the dynamics of D/s so I am willing to wait to find a good match. 

Elan - the things that you mention are a relief to hear quite frankly, because they are the actions and qualities one seeks in any kind of significant relationship from a good friend to a lover.  I expect a fella to be open, generous and genuine and I expect the same of myself.

< Message edited by ocilla -- 9/19/2007 8:04:03 PM >

_____________________________

Ocilla

Nature is not a place to visit. It is home.
~ Gary Snyder

It takes a kinky village...

(in reply to cloudboy)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: How do you attract a submissive? - 9/19/2007 7:58:17 PM   
undergroundsea


Posts: 2400
Joined: 6/27/2004
From: Austin, TX
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: ElanSubdued
I posted this on another BDSM web site, but I'm curious how people here may respond. 


I am glad you brought your thread here as well and it's good to see you here.

Cheers,

Sea

(in reply to ElanSubdued)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: How do you attract a submissive? - 9/20/2007 2:58:01 AM   
LadyPact


Posts: 32566
Status: offline 		I have to agree with what has been said so far.  In all honesty, I believe what attracts anyone to Me is that I am Myself.  I don't put on airs for anyone and I don't do the game playing thing.  I'm a person who happens to be a Domme, so My personality is going to come through.  If a person is attracted to Me, that's the part that I want them to be attracted to.  Just the same as when I am attracted to a submissive.  It has to do with that person specifically, and not just the fact that he happens to be a submissive.
 
For a long time, I've been saying that it is not enough to want to submit.  The point is that I want someone who wants to submit to Me.  That means the person that I am.  Not just that I'm a Domme.  It has to do with Me as a person.  The one who sometimes tells bad jokes, doesn't like getting up early on Sundays, and is thrilled with the smallest things.  You get the idea. 

(in reply to undergroundsea)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: How do you attract a submissive? - 9/20/2007 3:09:41 PM   
MISTRESSKUMA


Posts: 226
Joined: 8/15/2007
Status: offline 		Funnily enough, as I'm sitting here with my darling's head in my lap, you jumped out at me as a dominant in your post, it's easier to be a sub tho, isn't it?????

(in reply to ElanSubdued)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: How do you attract a submissive? - 9/20/2007 3:50:05 PM   
pixelslave


Posts: 1444
Joined: 8/19/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyPact

For a long time, I've been saying that it is not enough to want to submit.  The point is that I want someone who wants to submit to Me.  That means the person that I am.  Not just that I'm a Domme.  It has to do with Me as a person. 
 


Exactly!  As a sub, I couldn't submit to just any woman.  It has always been a woman that was special to me that built the desire in me to submit to HER!

For that to happen, I have to get to know her as a person, friend and woman where the chemstry between us is either there early on or develops as we get to know each other; she has to allow me in, and vice versa.  It doesn't happen overnight and is all part of building a relationship over time that at some point continues parallel with building a D/s dynamic we're both comfortable with. 

- pixel

Collared to Majik

< Message edited by pixelslave -- 9/20/2007 3:51:29 PM >

_____________________________

Chivalry isn't dead! It's for those who have it in their hearts & are willing to be taught. It's a way of life, a code of honor; this one's armor still needs some polishing!

(in reply to LadyPact)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: How do you attract a submissive? - 9/21/2007 2:25:21 PM   
ElanSubdued


Posts: 1511
Status: offline 		Mistress Kuma,

quote:

Funnily enough, as I'm sitting here with my darling's head in my lap, you jumped out at me as a dominant in your post, it's easier to be a sub tho, isn't it?????


I get this assessment from time-to-time.  Perhaps it is because I tend to communicate openly, directly, and very passionately, and I'm not afraid to initiate.  Also, I've got a pretty good idea of what I have to offer and what I'd like to find in a partner.  This isn't something I've not thought through.

A domme on BCOM wrote the following when I posted this same thread there:

"I honestly tend to only get decent people writing me, and very little spam.  I'm sure being a switch helps with that a great deal though."

To which I replied:

"Interesting notion (vis-a-vis being a switch eliminating some of the chaff).  I'll have to think about this.  I have switched roles in different relationships, but I now identify as submissive because being on the bottom is where I feel most comfortable, rewarded, effective, and able to give to my partner.  Still, I've had quite bit of experience as a dominant and indeed this does tend to alter and broaden my views.  This is probably what makes me more egalitarian in terms of my personal style.  Likewise, I don't hand control over to just anyone and when I do, it is because I'm very impressed with her approach, balance, and abilities.  Of course, tucking me into bed with my 'security blanket' always buys big points too. :-)"

Regarding it being easier to be a submissive, I don't find this at all.  Actually, one of the mistakes I made early on was thinking that my experiences as a dominant gave me insight as a submissive.  While the experience was useful, it is quite a different thing to help someone else grow on the bottom than it is to be faced with the same situations, learning, and emotions yourself.

I've been involved in BDSM for a long time and my relationships to date have led me to believe that neither partner has an easier role.  In a well-balanced, loving relationship between domme and sub (or between BDSM partners in general), all partners have responsibilities and challenges.  And indeed, things change.  If your domme suddenly becomes incapacitated for a while, you can't allow the house to fall down.  Thus, in a moments notice, I'll pick up the reins and look after my domme if need be.  In fact, the statement I just made is somewhat misleading because regardless of who the understood "leader" in the relationship is, my partners and I always look after each other.

I hope this sheds some light on the OP and about my personal style as a loving, full-bodied, capable human being (who happens also to be a submissive).

Thanks for causing me to think about this Mistress Kuma. :-)

Elan.

(in reply to MISTRESSKUMA)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: How do you attract a submissive? - 9/21/2007 2:37:12 PM   
ElanSubdued


Posts: 1511
Status: offline 		Ocilla,

quote:

Great thread.   Are you going to come back and tell us how the different sites answered?


Perhaps.  It depends on how long and how much work the cross-pollination becomes.  Thank you for your kind words about the thread. :-)

quote:

Elan - the things that you mention are a relief to hear quite frankly, because they are the actions and qualities one seeks in any kind of significant relationship from a good friend to a lover.  I expect a fella to be open, generous and genuine and I expect the same of myself.


Yes.  Exactly.  At one point, I wondered if my desires and expectations were completely out of sync with the BDSM community.  Thankfully, I've met some wonderful people (and dommes in particular) who have demonstrated exactly the kind of loving balance I find essential in any relationship.

(in reply to ocilla)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: How do you attract a submissive? - 9/21/2007 2:50:58 PM   
ElanSubdued


Posts: 1511
Status: offline 		undergroundsea,

quote:

I am glad you brought your thread here as well and it's good to see you here.


Hi five Mr. Underground!  Glad to see you here as well.  If you go back to BCOM (from whence this thread came), you'll see some interesting diversions that appeared.  Even those usually known for their negativity and sharp tongues managed to contribute in a constructive way.  Oops.  I just went back to check.  Okay.  Well, a few posts remained "constructive" at any rate.

(in reply to undergroundsea)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: How do you attract a submissive? - 9/21/2007 2:55:51 PM   
ElanSubdued


Posts: 1511
Status: offline 		LadyPact,

quote:

I have to agree with what has been said so far.  In all honesty, I believe what attracts anyone to Me is that I am Myself.  I don't put on airs for anyone and I don't do the game playing thing.  I'm a person who happens to be a Domme, so My personality is going to come through.  If a person is attracted to Me, that's the part that I want them to be attracted to.  Just the same as when I am attracted to a submissive.  It has to do with that person specifically, and not just the fact that he happens to be a submissive.

For a long time, I've been saying that it is not enough to want to submit.  The point is that I want someone who wants to submit to Me.  That means the person that I am.  Not just that I'm a Domme.  It has to do with Me as a person.  The one who sometimes tells bad jokes, doesn't like getting up early on Sundays, and is thrilled with the smallest things.  You get the idea.


Yes, I *absolutely* do get the idea.  Thank you for posting this.  Indeed, it is often the smallest, vanilla things that make all the difference.  Heh. :-)  Sometimes the small, pervy things make a considerable difference to!

Elan.

(in reply to LadyPact)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: How do you attract a submissive? - 9/21/2007 3:06:28 PM   
ElanSubdued


Posts: 1511
Status: offline 		cloudboy,

quote:

Attracting a malesub for Mistresses is far, far from the problem -- its bonding with / finding a good malesub which seems to be the trick.  Naturally these things aren't reduced to prescriptive formulas.


Indeed.  And this equation is reciprocal too.  Ah, what the heck.  I'll spell it out and simultaneously make one small, but important modification.  For a male submissive, finding a domme is far, far from the problem.  It is bonding with and finding a good *woman* who has compatible goals and desires that seems to be the trick.

To everyone:  I realize that not all femdom relationships constitute femdom/malesub pairings.  Please confer the same ideas regardless of the submissive's gender.

Thanks for contributing cloudboy, :-)

Elan.

(in reply to cloudboy)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: How do you attract a submissive? - 9/21/2007 3:10:19 PM   
DMFParadox


Posts: 1405
Joined: 9/11/2007
Status: offline
quote:

I've been involved in BDSM for a long time and my relationships to date have led me to believe that neither partner has an easier role.  In a well-balanced, loving relationship between domme and sub (or between BDSM partners in general), all partners have responsibilities and challenges.  And indeed, things change.  If your domme suddenly becomes incapacitated for a while, you can't allow the house to fall down.  Thus, in a moments notice, I'll pick up the reins and look after my domme if need be.  In fact, the statement I just made is somewhat misleading because regardless of who the understood "leader" in the relationship is, my partners and I always look after each other


I strongly agree.  I'd add that whichever partner is working harder than the other, is because they aren't completely adapted to it.

As a male, I don't get deluged with mail--the dynamic for me is to hunt.  Which is fine, because hunting is not easy, and it forces me to develop myself in ways that were painful, but that I'd never give up and would willingly go through again.  I used to envy the ability for women to simply attract attention by existing; these days, I tend to feel sorry for them.  I have complete confidence in myself, in the skills and mindset I've developed, which most attractive women do not--theirs is a shell, and it's embarrasing how easily that shell can be broken. 

So for male, and ESPECIALLY female dominants, life skills are a priority in attracting the sort you want.  This is a short list:
-basic money management
-moderate-to-high social skills; i.e., if you lose your temper, you LOSE.
-time management;
-knowing when to say no, and for women who require a different filter... knowing when to say yes.  If you don't know when to say yes, then you end up saying no until your emotions fry and you say yes by default; so forget what you don't like and learn to focus on what you do like to do.  That is, unless you're a sub... if then, find a Master/Miss you trust and enjoy the ride.
-Learn how to check your ego at the door, ladies.  And dudes, too; I had to lose mine before I could hunt effectively.  Ego stems from fear.  I realize it's a first-line defense against the chode warriors, but trust me, there are better ways... it tends to hurt you a lot more than it helps you.  Be in control of yourself FIRST.  A really good man/woman will notice this; and a really fabulous, once-in-a-lifetime sub will pass completely unnoticed by you if you can't manage it.

That's how I attract women in general, and the better I am with that list, the better women I get.  It netted me quite a few submissives... I just had no idea what to do with them at the time.  Which is why I'm here, now.  ^_^

Paradox

(in reply to ElanSubdued)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: How do you attract a submissive? - 9/21/2007 4:47:19 PM   
chiaThePet


Posts: 2694
Joined: 2/4/2007
Status: offline 		Ok, to be honest here, cheetos, yeah, cheetos and Dr Pepper does it for me.

Throw in a box of reese's pieces and i'm in a subspace frenzy.

chia* (the pet)

_____________________________

Love is a many splendid sting.

You can stick me in the corner, but I'll probably just end up coloring on the walls.

(in reply to ElanSubdued)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: How do you attract a submissive? - 9/21/2007 5:38:14 PM   
Politesub53


Posts: 14862
Joined: 5/7/2007
Status: offline 		Chia is on the right track..... send a few beers and a pic or two and i`m easy pickings

(in reply to chiaThePet)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: How do you attract a submissive? - 9/21/2007 5:52:57 PM   
YesMistressIrish


Posts: 1135
Joined: 5/1/2007
From: Calif
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Politesub53

Chia is on the right track..... send a few beers and a pic or two and i`m easy pickings


You both have me smiling, chia and you...


(in reply to Politesub53)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: How do you attract a submissive? - 9/21/2007 6:07:32 PM   
Politesub53


Posts: 14862
Joined: 5/7/2007
Status: offline 		Sheesh i was being serious......... hehehe

(in reply to YesMistressIrish)
Profile   Post #: 20
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