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RE: Does it gotta be humilating? - 9/21/2007 8:05:36 AM   
thetammyjo


Posts: 6322
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quote:

ORIGINAL: cdude

New guy here - please be gentle...

I'm just now opening my eyes to the world of Femdom... I'm intrigued. I've not ventured in yet, I'm still sorting it all out.

I've always been attracted to confident and strong women. I'm turned on by the idea of a strong woman calling the shots - guiding and directing me. I can imagine the appeal and excitement of physical pain in a sensual context as a submissive. But I'm working through my own level of acceptance with humiliation and maliciousness. I'm not comfortable with that.

Is it an inherant part of the lifestyle? If this sounds like a stupid question to you, so be it. I'm totally serious.

cdude



I am never malicious to anyone who serves me, not even during training when they will screw up things.

I am never what I consider humiliating either. If I call Fox a slut it isn't a humiliation, it is simply a statement of his behavior when he acts very sexy and needy in terms of sex.

Someone who I honestly felt was beneath me or incapable is not someone I would even want to be around let alone serving me. I have never felt the need to put someone down to make myself feel better either. I find that I can't even do humiliation play because it is so unlike me.

However, cdude, most people who do humiliation play in BDSM are not doing it in the way these things happen in vanilla life. It's erotic and fun, they words an not meant to be mean or harmful. For them it is just play.

_____________________________

Love, Peace, Hugs, Kisses, Whips & Chains,

TammyJo

Check out my website at http://www.thetammyjo.com Or www.tammyjoeckhart.com

And my LJ where I post fiction in progress if you "friend" me at http://thetammyjo.livejournal.com/

(in reply to cdude)
Profile   Post #: 21
RE: Does it gotta be humilating? - 9/21/2007 6:05:36 PM   
flowspen


Posts: 133
Joined: 5/5/2007
From: Memphis
Status: offline
You know when i first got into the lifestyle as a choice for me i didn't get the humiliation piece.  it isn't always for everyone and maybe it just doesn't work for you. 

For me though over time it grew on me, and when i met that right person who introduced it to me it rocked my world.  i always thought it was about being talked down too, yelled at but when i have been humiliated to the max, she was sweet, kind and soft spoken.  Never said a bad word or even talked down.  She got inside my head and found out my fears then she had me face them in a situation i couldn't escape from.  it was painful emotionally but when it was all said and done the energy flow i felt, the build up she gave me after tearing me down to nothing was the most amazing thing i have experienced in this life time.  i dont think i can find the words to describe it but now i live for humiliation.

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RE: Does it gotta be humilating? - 9/21/2007 11:36:22 PM   
ocilla


Posts: 1764
Joined: 6/12/2007
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wow flowspen - that is fascinating, and very enlightening for me.  I imagine like everything that humiliation play means different things to different folks but you have shown me a new veiw.  Sort of the marine boot camp version of transformation.  Had not put it together quite like that. 

_____________________________

Ocilla

Nature is not a place to visit. It is home.
~ Gary Snyder


It takes a kinky village...

(in reply to flowspen)
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RE: Does it gotta be humilating? - 9/22/2007 7:30:01 AM   
sting516


Posts: 505
Joined: 9/4/2004
From: long island, ny
Status: offline
Humiliation is a huge trigger for me as a sub...it wasn't even something i was aware of until after the fact...at the time, i'm horrified at what's going on...but later, these are the scenes i remember the most...the ones where i was totally taken out of my comfort zone...

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Profile   Post #: 24
RE: Does it gotta be humilating? - 9/22/2007 8:21:34 AM   
homedespot


Posts: 79
Joined: 5/28/2006
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First it doesn't have to be required...as many others have said here...but also...

People grow into things. My slave, jssubc, and I have been together 5 going on 6 years. In the beginning so many things were off-limits for him. I could probably make a list of 10 or 20 things off the top of My head without having to even think. Name calling was one of them. For BOTH of us. But now, 5 years later, humiliation has become a crucial and important part of the relationship. It makes him feel like I am totally in control. It makes Me feel completely free to do as I please with him. We are very lucky that he can be a "no-limits slave" in the very narrow sense that he and I have the same limits at the same time so he can trust Me completely and I can do as I please completely.

The other thing is that I often listen to him with "two ears". This is a phrase that we use to mean: I hear the exact words you are saying with My right ear...and I listen for an underlying message with My left ear. In other words if he says "cuckolding is the worst thing I can imagine". I hear both..."please don't do this to me Mistress I'm not ready for it now and I might never be ready for it" and I also hear "Mistress I might want you to push this one day if you are interested". Because I listen to both his current needs and his future needs things such as humilliation can grow and come over time.

J.



quote:

ORIGINAL: cdude

New guy here - please be gentle...

I'm just now opening my eyes to the world of Femdom... I'm intrigued. I've not ventured in yet, I'm still sorting it all out.

I've always been attracted to confident and strong women. I'm turned on by the idea of a strong woman calling the shots - guiding and directing me. I can imagine the appeal and excitement of physical pain in a sensual context as a submissive. But I'm working through my own level of acceptance with humiliation and maliciousness. I'm not comfortable with that.

Is it an inherant part of the lifestyle? If this sounds like a stupid question to you, so be it. I'm totally serious.

cdude


(in reply to cdude)
Profile   Post #: 25
RE: Does it gotta be humilating? - 9/22/2007 9:27:02 AM   
unforegvn


Posts: 159
Joined: 8/25/2005
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It has been my experience that humiliation varies from relationship to relationship what humiliates one doesn't necessarily humiliate another.  Limits change as the sub/slave grows emotionally; trust is the ultimate intimacy between Domme/sub and when trust is evident you will be at your most vulnerable which can lead to feelings of humiliation. 
 
When you are able to communicate effectively, she will take you places you thought impossible yesterday, yet today, you eagerly beg for the experience as the humiliation you once dreaded brings you indescribable happiness.
 

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Profile   Post #: 26
RE: Does it gotta be humilating? - 9/22/2007 10:28:43 AM   
daiseytheone


Posts: 18
Joined: 4/24/2005
Status: offline
CDude,

If humiliation play is your hard limit, then walk away from the Domme that will not respect your limits.

If you stay, don't complain. Mistress Daisey

(in reply to SunNMoon)
Profile   Post #: 27
RE: Does it gotta be humilating? - 9/25/2007 10:12:34 AM   
fungasm


Posts: 321
Joined: 8/2/2007
Status: offline
Humiliation is never required.

I can't do it..

To me, someone who reaches out to explore their kinks and their delights is to be praised- never humiliated.   Orgasms and Erections are to be treasured... Even if they are denied.  I don't deny someone pleasure because they don't deserve it or are unworthy.... I make them wait because it shows they are strong- and it is something worth waiting for.

Alison

_____________________________

"Science is a lot like sex. Sometimes something useful comes of it, but that's not the reason we're doing it." (Richard Feynman)

Blog: http://antidomme.sensualwriter.com

(in reply to cdude)
Profile   Post #: 28
RE: Does it gotta be humilating? - 9/25/2007 10:22:11 AM   
MsBearlee


Posts: 1032
Joined: 2/15/2006
Status: offline
You might find some of the posts here interesting:
 

 
B

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A must read for submissives! (click here)

This one, as well!

(in reply to cdude)
Profile   Post #: 29
RE: Does it gotta be humilating? - 9/25/2007 11:23:42 AM   
LotusSong


Posts: 6334
Joined: 7/2/2006
From: Domme Emeritus
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: cdude

New guy here - please be gentle...

I'm just now opening my eyes to the world of Femdom... I'm intrigued. I've not ventured in yet, I'm still sorting it all out.

I've always been attracted to confident and strong women. I'm turned on by the idea of a strong woman calling the shots - guiding and directing me. I can imagine the appeal and excitement of physical pain in a sensual context as a submissive. But I'm working through my own level of acceptance with humiliation and maliciousness. I'm not comfortable with that.

Is it an inherant part of the lifestyle? If this sounds like a stupid question to you, so be it. I'm totally serious.

cdude



It's not for me.  I find I question the mental health of those that get off on humiliation (from both sides of the whip).

_____________________________

Life Lesson #1

I'm not your type.
I'm not inflatable.


(in reply to cdude)
Profile   Post #: 30
RE: Does it gotta be humilating? - 9/26/2007 5:51:16 AM   
MsBearlee


Posts: 1032
Joined: 2/15/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LotusSong

It's not for me.  I find I question the mental health of those that get off on humiliation (from both sides of the whip).  


Okay, I'll bite; what IS humiliation?
 
A)  You worm!  You fat, pig...you're not even a man; why I don't kick your ass to the curb is beyond me.  You are not worthy to lick my floors clean.
 
or
 
B)  OMG you feel good.  Do you like this...when I touch you there?  Yummmm...I know you do!  Ohhhh...I wanna touch there again...yessssssssss... God I like it when you moan like that...I'm going to wiggle it in a little; I know you want me to!
 
 
Perhaps most of us pick a place somewhere in the middle; but we still call it 'humiliation'.  I prefer the 'gentle teasing' kind, myself......but who really knows if it is ever really abusive when it's done by a loving partner?  It could just be play.  I bet most of us have done and would do 'B' again...
 
My $.02 worth
Beverly

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A must read for submissives! (click here)

This one, as well!

(in reply to LotusSong)
Profile   Post #: 31
RE: Does it gotta be humilating? - 9/26/2007 6:53:00 AM   
DiannaVesta


Posts: 1087
Joined: 2/6/2006
From: Mid-Atlantic area
Status: offline
There have been topics about humiliation, so many and as discussed there are so many levels of humiliation. In fact humiliation can be very mild, teasing and bring heighten states of submission. I can understand why people would get confused and think that it’s all about degradation when really its not. This is not to say that some people don’t enjoy really intense levels of humiliation.


  Here’s the real key IMO when it comes to female domination… at least the real art of it…


  My desire is to own and control. I enjoy the feeling, the rush of projecting dominance and a receptive submissive that responds well to that control. I study him/her and I seek out the things that bring about a desired response. My goal is to see the look in their eyes as they begin to float into surrender, relinquishing control and I know at that point they really do exist to please me. Each person is different and I am a master with my tools- seduction, skill, power & control. The ingredients could include almost any… simple or complex.  

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RE: Does it gotta be humilating? - 9/26/2007 7:43:11 AM   
chiaThePet


Posts: 2694
Joined: 2/4/2007
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Dude, ummm, your fly is open and you have some
toilet paper stuck to the bottom of your shoe.

chia* (the pet)

_____________________________

Love is a many splendid sting.

You can stick me in the corner, but I'll probably just end up coloring on the walls.

(in reply to cdude)
Profile   Post #: 33
RE: Does it gotta be humilating? - 10/19/2007 6:07:59 AM   
JustSomeDom


Posts: 15
Joined: 8/19/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Misstoyou



I was going to say that! lol I enjoy objectification of all kinds. It's just me being "playful", though my submissive processes it as "humiliating," and can't believe the positions he finds himself in ... for me.



< Message edited by JustSomeDom -- 10/19/2007 6:09:06 AM >


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"An eye for an eye makes the whole world blind."
Gandhi

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Profile   Post #: 34
RE: Does it gotta be humilating? - 10/19/2007 8:26:23 AM   
RumpusParable


Posts: 1923
Joined: 7/7/2005
From: NYC now!
Status: offline
As others here have answered, it's optional.  Some enjoy it, some don't.  It's certainly not mandatory or something *everyone* wants.

Me, I can and do enjoy humiliation play.  It can be excellent fun!

But it's not with every sub I play with, and with each it is with it tends to be different.

Some don't inspire that sort of play in me, some don't want it and we agree not to go there.

Others do both.

It really just depends....

_____________________________

Relationships come and go, but plastination is forever.

I generally use fast-reply. If directing my post at someone specific I will indicate so.

Minimal summary: Artist, Disabled Veteran, Vegan, Pornographer, and Agender dominant female.

(in reply to JustSomeDom)
Profile   Post #: 35
RE: Does it gotta be humilating? - 10/19/2007 8:39:21 AM   
LadyHibiscus


Posts: 27124
Joined: 8/15/2005
From: Island Of Misfit Toys
Status: offline
I am not into humiliation. I have a blank space in my brain for it, and since it's really hard to embarass or humiliate me, I am not really clear on what it means.   I know all about trying to make people feel bad about themselves, and I am not into that at all.

So, when I come across someone who is interested in degradation, I ask them to tell me what they consider humiliating.  If they consider wearing women's panties humiliating, we don't go there.  If they find being my footrest or some such humiliating, well fine. 


_____________________________

[page 23 girl]



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RE: Does it gotta be humilating? - 10/19/2007 8:53:18 AM   
MadameMarque


Posts: 1128
Joined: 3/19/2005
Status: offline
Hi.  It's a great idea of yours, to ask what's expected, because it is the troubling experience of many people, trying to fit into a niche, in the scene, when they first begin to interact with others, to feel they must find some role closest to their feelings, and conform to it.

Humiliation is not an automatic element of BDSM.  I can hardly think of anything that is, other that a power differential of some kind, at some point, just in order to meet the definition of some kind of B&D, D/s, or S&M. 

Humiliation is just one of so many various interactions and dynamics you could have, and call it dominant/submissive, or top/bottom, or sadist/masochist, or owner/slave.

Is obedience necessary?  No.  For example, some people like force, struggle, take down scenes, kidnap, captivity.  Is pain necessary?  No.  You could, for example, be dominant/submissive, with no pain, you could have bondage without pain, and even discipline.  Are the dominant and submissive roles necessary?  No.  You could have all sorts of sensation play, S&M, or bondage, be beaten or pierced or tortured, without treating each other like dominant and submissive, at all.  Is anger or fear necessary?  No...

...but in all these cases, your feelings and urges will be yours, whether you pay attention to them and follow them, or try to cross them, ignore them, or act in contradiction to them.

I'm not sure what you mean by "malicious."  But I can tell you that, number one, just about everything we do called BDSM, is very like something which is done nonconsensually, in hostility - taking power over another, "forcing" them, hurting them, making them slaves or pets or objects, humiliation, captivity, etc, etc.  All these appear to be malicious.  That's, very simply, why some people find them so offensive, and think they're sick to engage in.

Humiliation, for example, is psychological sadomasochism.  One thing it does - potentially - is create great intimacy, because of its psychological intensity, and the stripping bare it does. 

And, secondly, hopefully, when we do these things, all of these are, in fact, done in a spirit that's, at the least, a benign sharing of fun and lust and satisfaction, and at its best, is love and the drive to dive deep with another, share the passion, the lust, the depth of each other.

Your feelings and urges will define your personal scene and role(s) and relationships.  You create what moves you and works for you, and let the terms bend to describe you, not the other way around.

Yes, you may want to let someone else define the terms, in a relationship.  But even then, you will be half the dynamic and there is that third thing created, by the two of you - the relationship, itself.


(in reply to cdude)
Profile   Post #: 37
RE: Does it gotta be humilating? - 10/19/2007 9:50:52 AM   
Dari


Posts: 192
Joined: 10/8/2007
Status: offline
I have to know someone very well before engaging in any form of what I would consider humiliation play.  I have to know they want it, what they consider "humiliation play," and I have to know that it's not going to hurt them in some permanent psychological fashion.  Some dominants are into that permanent hurting, I'm just not.

Talk about your limits with whoever your Domme may end up being.  Remember that it doesn't have to involve humiliation if that's your hard limit.  And beware of any Domme that tells you if you have hard limits, then you're "not really submissive."  That's just bullshit.

(in reply to MadameMarque)
Profile   Post #: 38
RE: Does it gotta be humilating? - 10/19/2007 9:53:47 AM   
YesMistressIrish


Posts: 1135
Joined: 5/1/2007
From: Calif
Status: offline
To the original Poster (OP),
 
 Dommes connect with you, communicate with you over time, look inside your head and your heart, and then go with the creative energy they 'feel' to fulfill Her needs and your's. So, finding a domme that makes you feel really connected to her, where you 'know' you want to spend time at her side, that's the ticket. As you build trust together, you may go places in your mind, heart and body as a sub you never even dreamed of. Places so satisfying, you long to stay there in sub-space with her forever. You may even come to crave humiliation.
 
For me: I go with the creative domme energy I feel after I have established a good communication line.
 
I have several subs I play with as friends, some who long for the cathartic release of pain, some who think they need humiliation, only to be surprised at how great they feel after laughing their need for humiliation out with me in a scene.
 
Good communication is the key.
I really enjoyed reading what everyone, well, almost everyone  had to say here. I find humiliation to be a fascinating subject. I honor, respect and enjoy people with high self-esteem and on the other hand I am thrilled to have certain people grovel pathetically at my feet for a while.
 
Like others have said: Play is different than 24/7 and what a Domme creates for those two seemingly diametrically apposed concepts will be up to you both.
 
Irish
 
ps: *whispers to flowspen very softly....'where's my email sweeeetheart?'     




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Profile   Post #: 39
RE: Does it gotta be humilating? - 10/19/2007 2:15:43 PM   
CollegeConundrum


Posts: 322
Joined: 5/18/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: cdude

New guy here - please be gentle...

I'm just now opening my eyes to the world of Femdom... I'm intrigued. I've not ventured in yet, I'm still sorting it all out.

I've always been attracted to confident and strong women. I'm turned on by the idea of a strong woman calling the shots - guiding and directing me. I can imagine the appeal and excitement of physical pain in a sensual context as a submissive. But I'm working through my own level of acceptance with humiliation and maliciousness. I'm not comfortable with that.

Is it an inherant part of the lifestyle? If this sounds like a stupid question to you, so be it. I'm totally serious.

cdude



There are no stupid questions, only stupid people.

No, it doesn't have to be humiliating and I'm sure for many it's not.  It isn't for me, theoretically, but I thoroughly enjoy the humiliation as it simply cements the control over me, my woman has.

(in reply to cdude)
Profile   Post #: 40
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