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RE: Etiquette while attending a BDSM gathering - 9/22/2007 8:37:38 PM   
Phin


Posts: 1802
Joined: 2/26/2007
Status: offline 		I am quite a bit more of a smartass in person, sarcasm often doesnt translate well on the computer and people tend to think that I am upset or just an asshole. I am polite, and do not touch unless invited.

_____________________________

"Isn't wonderful when our bruises show what we hide in the back of our heads?"Fayetteville band, Nephilym

"He is my angel, my devil, my naughty boy, but above anything else my Master"My girl sin

(in reply to chellekitty)
Profile   Post #: 21
RE: Etiquette while attending a BDSM gathering - 9/22/2007 8:52:00 PM   
MaDomAura


Posts: 93
Joined: 8/6/2007
Status: offline 		Goes without saying chellkitty! Right, let me clarify! I do treat everyone with courtesy. However I might unknowingly begin conversing with a sub, and that would be inappropriate without first asking the Dom/me. Unless they were boldly collared, and standing behind their Dom/me I wouldn't automatically know who's a sub/switch, or if they had a Dom/me in any form.

(in reply to chellekitty)
Profile   Post #: 22
RE: Etiquette while attending a BDSM gathering - 9/22/2007 9:01:52 PM   
chellekitty


Posts: 3923
Joined: 3/27/2005
Status: offline 		most people in high protocol in public are aware that they will run into people every 30 seconds that are unaware of their high protocol in which the sub/slave is unable to speak unless given permission and have set up an auto response to anyone speaking to the sub/slave in high protocol....from what i have seen its one of two responses...1) the sub says, i am unable to speak without permission, please see my Master, _________, he is over there (or where ever) 2) they just don't speak and do not respond at all, in any manner...after a bit anyone speaking to the sub/slave figures it out on their own and goes away....

as a Dominant there is no sort of social protocol whatsoever, that would indicate in any circle, that you call a person Sir or Ma'am, other than if you were raised in the south, and after getting in the lifestyle,  it would likely be trained out of you because of your orientation....however as a submissive i generally call most people unless they are clearly collared Sir or Ma'am until they tell me to do otherwise...i get away with it cause i am from texas...it gets me out of a whole  lot of name forgetting issues....


_____________________________

One thing I know: the only ones among you who will be really happy are those who will have sought and found how to serve. ~Albert Schweitzer

(in reply to MaDomAura)
Profile   Post #: 23
RE: Etiquette while attending a BDSM gathering - 9/22/2007 9:17:03 PM   
DarkDaddyZ


Posts: 805
Joined: 4/7/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: chellekitty

most people in high protocol in public are aware that they will run into people every 30 seconds that are unaware of their high protocol in which the sub/slave is unable to speak unless given permission and have set up an auto response to anyone speaking to the sub/slave in high protocol....from what i have seen its one of two responses...1) the sub says, i am unable to speak without permission, please see my Master, _________, he is over there (or where ever) 2) they just don't speak and do not respond at all, in any manner...after a bit anyone speaking to the sub/slave figures it out on their own and goes away....

as a Dominant there is no sort of social protocol whatsoever, that would indicate in any circle, that you call a person Sir or Ma'am, other than if you were raised in the south, and after getting in the lifestyle,  it would likely be trained out of you because of your orientation....however as a submissive i generally call most people unless they are clearly collared Sir or Ma'am until they tell me to do otherwise...i get away with it cause i am from texas...it gets me out of a whole  lot of name forgetting issues....


I believe that some Dominants use a protocol of respect to other Dominants in passing as well. I know I commonly use the terms Sir and Ma'am in leather settings or by their full name. Now if that's expected by Dominants (for instance I don't like the term Lord or Master unless I'm watching Star Wars) so I rarely would say hello "Master Bumfuck" or hi "Mistress Shithead" and so on UNLESS I know them personally and respect them, I never liked when people title themselves (but that's me- you may be a Mistress or Master to someone or some people but not to all).   I would however probably say hello Ma'am or Sir, unless they are pompous asses.

Are you still with me :)
Z-


_____________________________

"Flirting is part of the job description." DJ Jesus (Lucy Daughter Of The Devil)

Vanilla Official Music Page http://www.myspace.com/djzulu

(in reply to chellekitty)
Profile   Post #: 24
RE: Etiquette while attending a BDSM gathering - 9/22/2007 10:30:17 PM   
chellekitty


Posts: 3923
Joined: 3/27/2005
Status: offline 		i understand what you are saying...but what i have seen happen is more if they do not know eachother's name (which is why i am assuming you would need to use the title Sir or Ma'am, because these are the reasons i would use Sir or Ma'am to just anyone, only two people these things, one of each, on a regular basis and even then i am comfortable using their names as well) of a just jump into conversation or introduction approach...and i am not sure if that makes any sense or of any way to explain it any better other than to just give some examples....
well i think the first is pretty self explanitory...they just start talking to eachother...
introduction approach...
"I didn't catch your name, my name is _________......"
or "I appologize, I forgot your name...."
or "Tell me your name again..."
at which point, they have a name to use, negating the need for the use of Sir or Ma'am...
there are times i feel it appropriate for me to do this...my mind set is not always in the place to do it at an event...

you still with me?
chelle


_____________________________

One thing I know: the only ones among you who will be really happy are those who will have sought and found how to serve. ~Albert Schweitzer

(in reply to DarkDaddyZ)
Profile   Post #: 25
RE: Etiquette while attending a BDSM gathering - 9/22/2007 10:44:16 PM   
MaDomAura


Posts: 93
Joined: 8/6/2007
Status: offline 		I am aware, and this "etiquette" is along the lines of high protocol D/s. To be blunt, it strikes me as ridiculous, if things were actually in accord with high protocol, then the subs would be collared, and 3 paces behind the D, and not allowed to sit on the furniture without permission, etc.. In this formal environment, it is perfectly clear who's D/s. I take issue with expecting anyone to assume who's a D/s in a more casual space, and at the same time taking offense when one unknowingly interacts with a sub.

I guess it comes down to some WIITWD communities are IMHO too wrapped up in how to be and or act in a given role... So, I just err on the side of courtesy and talk to everyone without making assumptions.

You have to be kind to be cruel...

(in reply to DarkDaddyZ)
Profile   Post #: 26
RE: Etiquette while attending a BDSM gathering - 9/22/2007 10:47:52 PM   
chellekitty


Posts: 3923
Joined: 3/27/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MaDomAura

I am aware, and this "etiquette" is along the lines of high protocol D/s. To be blunt, it strikes me as ridiculous, if things were actually in accord with high protocol, then the subs would be collared, and 3 paces behind the D, and not allowed to sit on the furniture without permission, etc..


and those that are in high protocol, do do all those things, so you don't make those errors...its usually the noobs that do...i didn't mean you specifically, i appologize if it seemed if i meant that


_____________________________

One thing I know: the only ones among you who will be really happy are those who will have sought and found how to serve. ~Albert Schweitzer

(in reply to MaDomAura)
Profile   Post #: 27
RE: Etiquette while attending a BDSM gathering - 9/22/2007 11:53:29 PM   
MaamJay


Posts: 2101
Joined: 9/2/2005
Status: offline 		Being Aussies, we are noted for our laidback attitude, so aren't big on high protocol. At the play parties We ran, no one was concerned about someone generally chitchatting to subs/Dominants alike. However, it wasn't considered polite to drop hints about playing with someone until you'd made enquiries as to their availability. In the early days when the group was just forming and few people knew who anyone was, We used a simple ribbon system - yellow for subs and red for Dominants, they picked them up and pinned them on when they arrived. Could use 4 colours if you like and differentiate between attached and unattached members of each group. Switches wore both. It worked!

Maam Jay aka violet[A]

_____________________________

Life is a song ... and I love singing it! (By me!)

(in reply to MaDomAura)
Profile   Post #: 28
RE: Etiquette while attending a BDSM gathering - 9/23/2007 12:01:21 AM   
julietsierra


Posts: 1841
Joined: 9/26/2004
Status: offline 		Online, I discuss topics. As such, I have no problem voicing my opinion. Conversation is structured and I operate within that structure. However, in person, conversation is not so structured. I  don't talk as well as I write. I am and have always been very reserved. I most often wait to see what people are like before I interact with them. I do not approach men I don't know. If someone I don't know and I are in the same place, I will respond to their greeting, but I don't generally offer one first. Most of that is because I'm horribly shy. And what doesn't shut me up due to shyness does so due to the fact that my Master and I are most comfortable in a more structured (high protocol) environment.

While I don't have specific rules that have been arbitrarily set for me, I do have rules I abide by. If I am sitting or standing by myself, I'll respond to someone when they speak to me. I will be the first to say hello to other women. If I am sitting or standing next to my Master, I don't respond to men speaking to me if they haven't spoken to him unless I've received permission to do so. This usually involved a look or nod from him. Again, I will respond to women. This has evolved due to the fact that for some reason, the men I've met where I've been the first to say hello, seem to think that me saying hello means that they don't have to acknowledge in the least, the person I belong to, and I won't participate in that process. I'm left with thinking that they believe that a simple hello is a pick up line and for me, saying hello is simply someone being courteous - so now, I just don't.

Here, as far as I'm concerned, we're all on a level playing field since we are discussing ideas, not interpersonal relationships that I'm expected or hopeful about being a part of. Consequently, I treat everyone - dominant, submissive or switch - similarily. I have no problems voicing an opinion and will stand by the opinion I hold. That comes off as appearing not shy. While in public I will still hold those same opinions, I am not interested in getting into a debate, or involved in any drama, so those opinions are not necessarily so visible.

Different venues, different modes of behavior, but all me.

juliet

< Message edited by julietsierra -- 9/23/2007 12:10:48 AM >

(in reply to chellekitty)
Profile   Post #: 29
RE: Etiquette while attending a BDSM gathering - 9/23/2007 7:02:41 AM   
chellekitty


Posts: 3923
Joined: 3/27/2005
Status: offline 		ok so i went to a social last night and this morning my brain was doing some analyzing...seems to do that a lot early in the morning....and if you went by the way i "act" here, you would expect me to be brash, opinionated, and at times down right rude, because, to be honest, if i don't like something on the boards, and if i think something on the boards is hurting another person, i won't walk by and let someone keep doing it, i will say something, i abhorr apathy...but...there is a a way to do things...and even something as simple as ordering more french fries can be done with ....i hate to say it this way, but what looks like "submissiveness"...so...for brevity this is gonna look like a play book, but its the easiest way i know how to do it...

i went to get cheese for my french fries (we were at fuddruckers and i didn't have very much money and the matriarch of my leather house hold had bought a big ole hamburger and fries and split it in half with me)
i decided i wanted more french fries
i stood with my hands clasped behind my back, out of the way, looking at the menu, making sure i was not in anyones way, and thought about making the order, making note of who came in before and after i walked up
bounced back to the area of the munch, and stood within sight of her, again with my hands clasped behind my back, until she was done speaking then leaned down and asked, if i order a large order of fries if she would help me eat them
bounced back to the front, inserted myself into the appropriate place in line, placed my order and payed
went to the restroom
went to get cheese, but there was no cheese, calmly informed them that there was no cheese, then stood out of the way to wait for them to refill the cheese
while i was waiting i noticed that they forgot to give a lady with a to-go order a bag, so when she got to a stopping point in adding goodies i said, "ma'am, i believe they are trying to let you know they have a bag available if you want it" and stepped back to my out of the way spot
while i was waiting for the cheese, my fries got cooked, and they actually came out at about the same time...so it worked out...
then i walked back to our area, and sat down and had dinner...

now...this is not that big a deal...and there was plenty more that went on that night, again for brevity's sake...but...there were plenty of oppourtunities for me to act selfishly and childishly and appatheticly and just plain been unaware of whats going on with the rest of the world....are these innately submissive traits? no, not at all....are they part of what makes me attractive as a submissive? i would like to think so...

chelle

< Message edited by chellekitty -- 9/23/2007 7:03:22 AM >

_____________________________

One thing I know: the only ones among you who will be really happy are those who will have sought and found how to serve. ~Albert Schweitzer

(in reply to Bobkgin)
Profile   Post #: 30
RE: Etiquette while attending a BDSM gathering - 9/23/2007 7:34:31 AM   
sextoygirlNY


Posts: 194
Joined: 7/25/2007
From: Long Island, NY
Status: offline 		Greetings,
Some ettiquette she thinks should be posted along with all the DM's rules in a BDSM gathering is...
1-Please try to keep noise down to a limit particularly when there is mulitple scenes going on...(hey we all love a good whip cracking, i myself do it for fun to, but when you are in a room full of people the object is to inflict pain without the loud BANG to blow out everyones ears)
2-Introduce yourself, smile, be friendly and social. Its good to meet others, its good to talk, its a good thing we are here to help, be friends and share this time together, don't sit in the corner like a lump.
3-Please mind where you place your belongings or where you set up a scene.  Respect that everyone needs to share the equipment and areas, placing your buttocks on a horse just to have a drink and talk about sports, when there is a girl awaiting to be tormented on such a thing is not appropriate, there are usually areas for such social conversation
4-Please keep rude comments to yourself. There have been times that i myself have been on display, at ther mercy of my Master and some idiot will walk past and say i have a fat ass.  (yeah you can be jealous of my curvaceous curves and the fact that i am at the mercy of a man...but HOW RUDE!)
5-ABSOLUTELY NO CELL PHONES> No stupid ring tones, NO ring tones at all, NO pictures, NO movies, NO HEY YOU GOTTA CHECK THIS OUT DUDE and snap a picture....OMG
I actually was in the middle of a fire play scene once and a guy picked up his cell phone and started ordering chicken and broccoli-i am forever ingrained in my head that fire play includes chicken and broccoli.
6-Please introduce your subbies too. I was actually at a party where a woman's subbie had the same name as my Master, she waived her hands and pointed to my Master saying rudely that He could wash her feet in front of everyone and that he will be given over to spankings later on ....What we didnt know was her subbie was standing directly behind him, and they both had the same name.  It took a few mins to realize she wasn't talking about him.
Also it is good ettiqutte as well because sometimes not everyone knows everyone...
7-Act how you would in anyones house. Be yourself, be honest and genunie and gladly help each other.  BDSM gatherings have always been one of a welcoming, warmth, and community feel. Please continue that for all the newbies and generations to come.

Well that is just my imput on a few things. This holds true for general parties and get togethers  as well...
Take care,
melanie

_____________________________

Don't Dream It, Be It!

Do not ask how to live, but instead proceed to do so.

"Do i have a choice?" Of course you do, but it would please me if you said "on it"


(in reply to Bobkgin)
Profile   Post #: 31
RE: Etiquette while attending a BDSM gathering - 9/23/2007 7:55:12 AM   
LATEXBABY64


Posts: 2107
Joined: 4/8/2004
Status: offline 		Kiss Keep it simple stupid

  1.  Respect other People. Treat others with a professional and cautious behavior
  2. Scening: Be quiet do not talk do not make distractions during a public scene or during someones teaching other people have a right to learn or experience
  3. Do not touch others property. Toys are expensive cost lot of money for toys and it is best to alway ask to see something this includes subs. some Dom's and Dommes are very anal about their subs attentiveness respect that too

(in reply to sextoygirlNY)
Profile   Post #: 32
RE: Etiquette while attending a BDSM gathering - 9/23/2007 8:23:47 AM   
pearlmoongirl


Posts: 68
Joined: 12/8/2006
Status: offline
I was told by a Dom that it's a bad idea to look a Dom(me) in the eye unless you belong to Them. Is this true?

Inquiring subby minds want to know these things for general reasons, not just for party etiquette.

Thanks!
~pmg

(in reply to LATEXBABY64)
Profile   Post #: 33
RE: Etiquette while attending a BDSM gathering - 9/23/2007 8:26:58 AM   
LATEXBABY64


Posts: 2107
Joined: 4/8/2004
Status: offline 		I have heard it all  It is what ever believe . Most think looking your dom domme in eyes in disrepectful

(in reply to pearlmoongirl)
Profile   Post #: 34
RE: Etiquette while attending a BDSM gathering - 9/23/2007 8:43:42 AM   
Bobkgin


Posts: 1335
Joined: 7/28/2007
From: Kawarthas, Ontario, Canada
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: pearlmoongirl


I was told by a Dom that it's a bad idea to look a Dom(me) in the eye unless you belong to Them. Is this true?

Inquiring subby minds want to know these things for general reasons, not just for party etiquette.

Thanks!
~pmg



I've not heard that before.

Somehow I just can't imagine a domme telling me not to look her in the eyes

_____________________________

When all is said and done, what will you regret?

That you never really lived?

Or there was so much living left to do?

For those interested: pics and poetry have been added to my profile.

(in reply to pearlmoongirl)
Profile   Post #: 35
RE: Etiquette while attending a BDSM gathering - 9/23/2007 8:50:49 AM   
Guest123


Posts: 58
Joined: 9/6/2007
Status: offline



i was raised in a country where women did not stare into the eyes of a Man, Dom or sub, at all, it was concidered brazen and punishable, but coming to the states, it is sort of expected, and i've had to retrain myself to adapt here. i am very shy in person as well as my training and cultra background.... so,  i find that i look mostly at their mouth chin area. this is because as i grow older my hearing is not so good, so i lip read as well as listen that way i'm more secure in what is expected of me in conversation or action.
keeping my head canted it also a cultra training so sometimes, they get this sort of shy slanted tilt of my head when i look  at them. if they are not looking, i will sometimes study their features but as soon as their gaze shifts, i find it can not hold the look, turning my eyes away or my face to the left, but the kiss of a blush rises so i'm sure they must know that i was looking ....

if i feel comfortable with someone, i like to be attentive, so often look up when it seems they do not mind me to do so, making eye contact is  a precious gift. a smile usually is reward with more freedom to raise my eyes. i also pay attention to tone, if one seems demanding, i may look down while listening, if the tone sharpens, i may look up to get more clues as to what is expected from me or to lip read incase i feel i have not heard them correctly and have responded in the wrong manner....
hope this helps.. and i have not just rambled to much, i have taken cold meds and my brain is in a fog...*laughs softly*






(in reply to LATEXBABY64)
Profile   Post #: 36
RE: Etiquette while attending a BDSM gathering - 9/23/2007 8:56:09 AM   
julietsierra


Posts: 1841
Joined: 9/26/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: sextoygirlNY

2-Introduce yourself, smile, be friendly and social. Its good to meet others, its good to talk, its a good thing we are here to help, be friends and share this time together, don't sit in the corner like a lump.


On the whole, I liked your take on things, except for one little piece - the part I underlined. See, I really really REALLY don't get caught up in the need to "help" everyone I meet at functions. I'm not there to help others. I'm not there to teach or anything else. I'm there to have fun, socialize with my friends and to spend some time outside of the house with my Master.

I made the mistake of "helping" someone new precisely once - 5 years ago. I am STILL dealing with the crap that came along with that. Evidently this person took my helpfulness as interest and since then, whether I'm with my Master or not - and especially if I am not - he spends his time following me around. In the past 5 years, he has taken what little he knew about me (my screen name) and learned much more. Last weekend he came over to say hello - to me. He would not address my Master. I didn't respond. When my Master took over the conversation, his message to my Master was that 5 years ago, if he (my Master) hadn't interfered, I'd have been his and that my Master "stole" me. During this little conversation he spent his time leaning over me in such a way  that I had to lean far to the left to avoid contact with him.

I am not there to teach anyone, to help anyone, to advise anyone or to do anything with anyone other than what my Master says I may. It took my Master abruptly dismissing him in order for the guy to get the idea to walk away. My nerves were shot for the rest of the night and instead of playing - which had been our intent for the evening, we sat and visited with the others at our table. My intent to "help" 5 years ago has definitely been NO help. Now, I don't bother.

juliet

(in reply to sextoygirlNY)
Profile   Post #: 37
RE: Etiquette while attending a BDSM gathering - 9/23/2007 9:05:47 AM   
Bobkgin


Posts: 1335
Joined: 7/28/2007
From: Kawarthas, Ontario, Canada
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Guest123

i was raised in a country where women did not stare into the eyes of a Man, Dom or sub, at all, it was concidered brazen and punishable, but coming to the states, it is sort of expected, and i've had to retrain myself to adapt here. i am very shy in person as well as my training and cultra background.... so,  i find that i look mostly at their mouth chin area. this is because as i grow older my hearing is not so good, so i lip read as well as listen that way i'm more secure in what is expected of me in conversation or action.
keeping my head canted it also a cultra training so sometimes, they get this sort of shy slanted tilt of my head when i look  at them. if they are not looking, i will sometimes study their features but as soon as their gaze shifts, i find it can not hold the look, turning my eyes away or my face to the left, but the kiss of a blush rises so i'm sure they must know that i was looking ....

if i feel comfortable with someone, i like to be attentive, so often look up when it seems they do not mind me to do so, making eye contact is  a precious gift. a smile usually is reward with more freedom to raise my eyes. i also pay attention to tone, if one seems demanding, i may look down while listening, if the tone sharpens, i may look up to get more clues as to what is expected from me or to lip read incase i feel i have not heard them correctly and have responded in the wrong manner....
hope this helps.. and i have not just rambled to much, i have taken cold meds and my brain is in a fog...*laughs softly*




I find all of that quite endearing, actually

I've not figured out why, but I find shyness very alluring in a woman.

But it has to be sincere, not coquettish or feigned.

I must say it is a quality difficult to find these days.


_____________________________

When all is said and done, what will you regret?

That you never really lived?

Or there was so much living left to do?

For those interested: pics and poetry have been added to my profile.

(in reply to Guest123)
Profile   Post #: 38
RE: Etiquette while attending a BDSM gathering - 9/23/2007 9:08:59 AM   
Bobkgin


Posts: 1335
Joined: 7/28/2007
From: Kawarthas, Ontario, Canada
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: julietsierra

quote:

ORIGINAL: sextoygirlNY

2-Introduce yourself, smile, be friendly and social. Its good to meet others, its good to talk, its a good thing we are here to help, be friends and share this time together, don't sit in the corner like a lump.


On the whole, I liked your take on things, except for one little piece - the part I underlined.


I think if you look at her profile, you'll see that the above line, if not the list, might have been borrowed from a training manual for the products she sells.



_____________________________

When all is said and done, what will you regret?

That you never really lived?

Or there was so much living left to do?

For those interested: pics and poetry have been added to my profile.

(in reply to julietsierra)
Profile   Post #: 39
RE: Etiquette while attending a BDSM gathering - 9/23/2007 9:14:15 AM   
Daddyskittin


Posts: 58
Joined: 9/18/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: pearlmoongirl


I was told by a Dom that it's a bad idea to look a Dom(me) in the eye unless you belong to Them. Is this true?

Inquiring subby minds want to know these things for general reasons, not just for party etiquette.

Thanks!
~pmg



LOL I look everyone right in the eyes... most of the time on purpose to make them uncomfortable... as to not looking Doms and Dommes in the eyes... I've had a few at public functions try to stare me down because I was looking them in the eye... to date every single one of them so far has just gotten to the point of frustration and then has had that 5 min debate in their head on whether or not they want to attempt to speak to my Daddy about it... but then he always looks over and looks them in the eye... most of them turn their attention elsewere... theres been a few who have just gotten up and left the party LOL.

_____________________________

Daddyskittin... formally YourShyPet

myspace.com/daddys_kittin

(in reply to pearlmoongirl)
Profile   Post #: 40
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