preventing vanilla!

Collarspace Discussion Forums

Home Login Search

preventing vanilla!

View related threads: (in this forum | in all forums)

Logged in as: Guest

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> General BDSM Discussion >> preventing vanilla!

Page: [1] 2 next > >>

Message

<< Older Topic Newer Topic >>

preventing vanilla! - 7/20/2005 5:28:56 PM

CelticPrince

Posts: 3613
Joined: 4/15/2005
Status: offline

a question that invites thoughtful responses.

In r/t D/s relationships, what is the best way in your experiences, from either side of the slash, to prevent the relationship from slipping back to vanilla?

Ponder that if you will!

CP

Profile

Post #: 1

RE: preventing vanilla! - 7/20/2005 5:33:05 PM

siamsa24

Posts: 2426
Joined: 2/2/2004
Status: offline

Why would you want to prevent it if is comes naturally? If it is a struggle to stay in "r/t D/s" relationships then why make your relationship a struggle? That only puts strain on the people involved.

Maybe I'm not getting the question, but if a relationship is a constant struggle then it isn't going to last a long time (in my opinion and experiences)

(in reply to CelticPrince)

Profile

Post #: 2

RE: preventing vanilla! - 7/20/2005 5:38:32 PM

Kinkypupper

Posts: 713
Joined: 9/26/2004
From: Portland oregon
Status: offline

To slip into a total 100% vanilla I do not think its possable..
To become "Familiar" and "comfortable" with a relationship that it has many "examples" of a vanilla relationship is not a bad thing..
One cannot live in a TOTAL 24/7 bdsm relationship for years at a time.

_____________________________

Phil Moulton
A Sensual Touch
Locopony Racing
Portland Oregon

(in reply to CelticPrince)

Profile

Post #: 3

RE: preventing vanilla! - 7/20/2005 7:20:30 PM

dominmd

Posts: 474
Joined: 6/27/2005
Status: offline

It would probably be normal for realtionships to exibit traits of both lifestyles during its duration. I would say it is more healthy to go with the flow and be happy.

(in reply to Kinkypupper)

Profile

Post #: 4

RE: preventing vanilla! - 7/20/2005 7:30:13 PM

domtimothy46176

Posts: 670
Joined: 12/25/2004
From: Dayton, Ohio area
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Kinkypupper

To slip into a total 100% vanilla I do not think its possable..
To become "Familiar" and "comfortable" with a relationship that it has many "examples" of a vanilla relationship is not a bad thing..
One cannot live in a TOTAL 24/7 bdsm relationship for years at a time.

I think it depends on one's definition of what constitutes 24/7 bdsm relationships. While the floggings or whatnot may not be engaged in all the time, the recognition of who and what we are isn't something that waxes and wanes.
In response to the OP, I try to not take toy's service for granted. I find that if I allow myself to become so engaged in the mundane details of life that I fail to respond to her service appropriately, I upset the balance of our household. It's often an intangible difference, as she continues to serve well, but the atmosphere becomes less than it should be, more hollow, perhaps.
Were she other than she is, I can imagine she might withdraw her service at such times, in a tit-for-tat type of exchange until I once again began to pay attention to the running of the household. I could, in such an instance, see the possibility of things fading into a more vanilla-style dynamic. One would presume that the solution lie in not allowing preoccupation to initiate such a chain reaction in the first place.
I agree, however, with siamsa's POV. If it's that much work, perhaps the parties are striving for an unnatural level of D/s. I don't aspire to have more control than I am comfortable wielding on a constant level. I'm too lazy to bite off more than I can comfortably chew and I never want to have to actually work at being consistent with toy. I want it to flow naturally because it's who and what I am. I owe her that honest reaction.
Good topic, looking forward to reading others' opinions.
Timothy

(in reply to Kinkypupper)

Profile

Post #: 5

RE: preventing vanilla! - 7/20/2005 8:08:09 PM

MistressFire70

Posts: 378
Joined: 7/25/2004
From: North Carolina
Status: offline

This same way you keep any relationship going: by work and attention. Anything will wither and die without attention.

Fire

_____________________________

you have come to a great chasm. Jump. It's not as wide as you think.

(in reply to CelticPrince)

Profile

Post #: 6

RE: preventing vanilla! - 7/20/2005 8:52:51 PM

ScooterTrash

Posts: 1407
Joined: 1/24/2005
From: Indiana
Status: offline

I think in any D/s or M/s relationship you will see a glimpse of "nilla" on occasion and since we do have to function in a predominantly vanilla environment, I would think that's understandable. In our case, with us being a Dominant couple, I know we would exhibit many "nilla" tendencies, particularly to outsiders (which sometimes is a good thing) when it's just us. I'm sure if they heard some of our conversations that may change, but the appearance may seem innocent (OK, maybe we never appear quite innocent..lol). But when a submissive is with us, that changes somewhat, but even then, in public, we can still drift that way when the need arises. Like a previous poster said, it's not all BDSM 24/7. But I don't know that anyone who is active in BDSM, could ever drift all the way back to "nilla" and if they did, well perhaps it really wasn't for them. I think it's healthy to have a mix of both, sort of makes you remember why we do, what we do.

_____________________________

Formal symbolic representation of qualitative entities is doomed to its rightful place of minor significance in a world where flowers and beautiful women abound.
-Albert Einstein

(in reply to CelticPrince)

Profile

Post #: 7

RE: preventing vanilla! - 7/20/2005 9:11:29 PM

Faramir

Posts: 1043
Joined: 2/12/2005
Status: offline

If D/s and SM are your intimacy, you can't backslide - it's your natural state.

I think it makes sense to talk about how to keep a D/s realtionship healthy - how to meet needs so that both the "D" and the "s" can express who they are. I don't think it makes sense to ask how to keep from sliding back into vanilla. Do you ask as a straight person, "How do I keep from sliding back into being gay?"

(in reply to ScooterTrash)

Profile

Post #: 8

RE: preventing vanilla! - 7/21/2005 2:31:27 PM

sub4hire

Posts: 6775
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline

quote:

It would probably be normal for realtionships to exibit traits of both lifestyles during its duration. I would say it is more healthy to go with the flow and be happy.

I totally agree with this. I know in my own relationship we have vanilla days and some real kinky days. It just depends on what is going on today. How we both are feeling...etc.
That's what makes a relationship last is by having both types.

(in reply to dominmd)

Profile

Post #: 9

RE: preventing vanilla! - 7/22/2005 7:03:21 PM

dominmd

Posts: 474
Joined: 6/27/2005
Status: offline

I have found that there is a balance between both sides especially with a woman whom I meet when she is vanilla. I must also state from experience with my friends, that none are all the way vanilla. Some are kinky to one degree or another.

Let's say I meet a woman that is vanilla. I introduce her to kink at a very slow pace and we find that we can only go to a moderate level. I am happy with this, as my needs would be fullfilled as would hers. If our relationship is more in the vanilla realm, I am happy with that. If the relationship follows or begins to follow a more bdsm route, I am ok with this too.

(in reply to sub4hire)

Profile

Post #: 10

RE: preventing vanilla! - 7/22/2005 8:49:06 PM

siamsa24

Posts: 2426
Joined: 2/2/2004
Status: offline

quote:

I must also state from experience with my friends, that none are all the way vanilla. Some are kinky to one degree or another.

I am starting to think that it is on a sliding scale, rather like sexuality and things like that...

(in reply to dominmd)

Profile

Post #: 11

RE: preventing vanilla! - 7/22/2005 8:59:28 PM

CalliopePurple

Posts: 2539
Joined: 11/29/2004
From: SeaTac area
Status: offline

I agree with you completely, siamsa. I see pretty much everything in the world on a sliding scale, but especially the "big" things - sexuality, gender, level of kink, goodness.

_____________________________

Kimi ni aitakute dare yori mo aitakute
hajimete kimi ni atta hoshizora no shita de.
Kimi ni tsutaetai todokanai omoi demo
boku no kokoro wa mada kimi o sagashiteiru.

Gackt - Kimi ni Aitakute

(in reply to siamsa24)

Profile

Post #: 12

RE: preventing vanilla! - 7/22/2005 9:05:33 PM

siamsa24

Posts: 2426
Joined: 2/2/2004
Status: offline

Ah, thank you. I just got home from a 10 hour work day and couldn't think of any more examples

(in reply to CalliopePurple)

Profile

Post #: 13

RE: preventing vanilla! - 7/22/2005 10:22:12 PM

IronBear

Posts: 9008
Joined: 6/19/2005
From: Beenleigh, Qld, Australia
Status: offline

I'd prefer to see the "scale" within a relationship as being fluid. I guess it would probably look something like a variable sine wave on a graph. Changes of intensity and frequence occur regularly but not evenly. But that's life isn't it?

_____________________________

Iron Bear

Master of Bruin Cottage

http://www.bruincottage.org

Your attitude, words & actions are yours. Take responsibility for them and the consequences they incur.

D.I.L.L.I.G.A.F.

(in reply to siamsa24)

Profile

Post #: 14

RE: preventing vanilla! - 7/23/2005 7:31:13 AM

Mercnbeth

Posts: 11766
Status: offline

quote:

to prevent the relationship from slipping back to vanilla?

our relationship did not start as "vanilla", so there isn't anything to "slip back" to. neither this slave nor Master was looking for a vanilla relationship when we found each other, (thank God) and the times we have to "act" vanilla are over fairly quickly!

(in reply to CelticPrince)

Profile

Post #: 15

RE: preventing vanilla! - 8/2/2005 1:51:09 PM

CelticPrince

Posts: 3613
Joined: 4/15/2005
Status: offline

siamsa,

I did not mean to imply that it was a struggle, but rather how to insure that it does not become a struggle.

To enter into a D/s relationship r/t is an expression of a mutual want.

Thanks for your thoughts

CP

(in reply to siamsa24)

Profile

Post #: 16

RE: preventing vanilla! - 8/2/2005 1:54:25 PM

CelticPrince

Posts: 3613
Joined: 4/15/2005
Status: offline

Phil,

it is a question of moderation, I understand that. But at some point the scales tip and the relationship becomes valilla with a little kink.

I have seen it eventually erode to a broken relationship.

Thanks for your thoughts.

CP

(in reply to Kinkypupper)

Profile

Post #: 17

RE: preventing vanilla! - 8/2/2005 1:56:35 PM

CelticPrince

Posts: 3613
Joined: 4/15/2005
Status: offline

Merc & beth,

You tow have found the secret, lol but without sharing it.

CP

(in reply to Mercnbeth)

Profile

Post #: 18

RE: preventing vanilla! - 8/2/2005 1:59:06 PM

CelticPrince