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HollyBlue -> RE: Why is Punishment not seen as Abusive? (9/28/2007 3:18:51 AM)
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Bobkgin
How does the fact that punishment turns you both on deter you from doing things that will encourage punishment?
Thank you -- this is a reasonable question, and one I would do better to address more completely in my writings.
<EDIT: I have now published the contents of this post as a new blog entry here.>
The reasons for successful deterrence are:
1) I am, at heart, both a masochist and a service slave. I love pleasing my Master, and although my own pleasures in the relationship are great, I feel even more fulfillment when he is pleased. Given a choice between having him displeased and punishing me, and having him pleased and say as we're going to bed, "You've been a very good slave today," I'll take the latter every time.
2) Physical punishment really does hurt, as I explained, and not in a "hurt so good" kind of way. During the process, I am not experiencing pleasure; it's not something I would want to seek out, definitely. However, like so many things in the odd psychology of the kinkster, it has the curious affect of arousing me. I often experience this effect in my relationship with a sadist (hate something while it's happening but am left dripping wet...a seeming contradiction) but the effect is even more pronounced when the pain is delivered as part of a punishment. It could be that I'm extra turned on because my background (childhood and adult) includes a lot of neglect, and I need that emphatic, physical reminder of his interest in me and in my welfare.
But my sadistic Master definitely doesn't need punishment as an excuse to inflict pain. Most of the time, he does it just because he wants to, and because he can -- I consent to this because my arousal and pleasure at turning him on is even greater than the pain I experience. Up to this point, I haven't ever needed to safe, and probably would not do so unless I thought I was at risk for lasting injury or harm.
He cares about me very much, and knows where the line is between inflicting pain and inflicting harm...he's gained my complete trust by not crossing that line, and by taking tender care of me when I am hurt or ill for everyday life reasons (i.e. a migraine or strained neck).
I hope this answers your question. First and foremost, I seek his approval, and he seeks and enjoys my obedience. Finding arousal in punishment is a hidden treasure...something to make the unbearable bearable, if you will. But it makes it bearable, not desirable.
quote:
ORIGINAL: Bobkgin
How does punishment improve your self-esteem?
Another really good question, Bobkgin, and and one that calls to mind the abusive childhood my ex-husband suffered.
I remember him telling me that when he was doing poorly in school, he was evaluated and his parents were told that he had low self esteem. After they were alone, his mother began hitting him and yelling, demanding to know, "Why do you have low self-esteem?!" and forcefully declaring, "We didn't raise you to have low self-esteem!"
Anyway, the above illustrates why I would never advocate abuse (which was what the above was...he was smaller than she, powerless, and had no choice but to submit to her brutality) to try to correct a self-esteem problem, not in an adult, and especially not in a child.
Back to this same ex-husband. He was a good person, but not the right person for me. He never laid a hand on me in anger or with any kind of force (he was, unfortunately, terminally vanilla), but we also spent a lot of our 14-year relationship going around and around with words. Most of the time, when he didn't know how to deal with me, or couldn't understand me, he gave up and ignored me. And the bottom line is, I think he had so many problems of his own that he wasn't really capable of caring about my self-esteem or any of my problems, beyond the ways in which my problems affected him directly. He was a vast improvement over his own parents in his ability to relate to other humans with kindness, but I felt alone and empty in a relationship that was a bleak jumble of circular conversations and living separate lives in the same house. Sometimes, he was afraid of losing me, I think, so he would even agree with some of my self-deprecating remarks, saying that no other man would be able to put up with my moodiness, etc.
In contrast, my Master tells me that any man would be lucky to have me, and especially any Master lucky to have me as his slave. I cannot explain why this works for me, but the very first time he physically punished me for putting myself down, he slapped my face! He didn't do it hard enough to bruise or bloody my nose...just hard enough to get my attention.
I was shocked and amazed. At that time (we had only recently met in person) no other lover of mine had ever slapped me, let alone in the face. But it got through to me, profoundly, in a way that nothing else ever had.
Call me pathological if you will, but when he reinforced "No one talks about my Holly that way!" with a slap, it brought home to me the gravity of what I do to myself with negative internal self-talk. The damage is far greater than any that my Master would inflict with a punishment, and the damage went on for years and years before anybody who cared about me had the balls to really do something about it that worked.
Physical punishment for self-destructive or self-defeating remarks and behavior may sound like adding insult to injury, but in my unique case, it's the opposite. It gives me a lifeline to grab onto -- something real and tangible to pull me out of the deep well I had fallen into.
His punishment of me for those kinds of things worked very quickly...I immediately began to think before I spoke negatively of myself...not just in my Master's presence, but also in my own thoughts! And when I have a choice to make, i.e. whether to do my yoga and meditation on a certain day or whether not to, I am even more motivated to make the right choice for myself. The procrastinator in me may want to surf the web or take a nap instead, but I don't want to have my Master come home and then have to explain to him that instead of taking care of my body and mind in the way we both know is healthy, I goofed off or hid. When he comes home, I want to proudly be able to tell him, "I did it!"
When I do take care of myself, he says, "I'm so proud of you, Holly!" and it makes me feel prouder of myself. When I'm not kind to myself, I feel that it hurts him, and his disappointment, coupled with his punishment of me is a very effective reminder to make a different decision next time.
In my case, though, his disappointment alone (without the added physical punishment) wouldn't be enough. I got disappointment from my parents, I got it from my ex, and all it did was make me feel worse about myself.
My Master's adding physical punishment when he is disappointed with me has the opposite effect...it makes me feel cared about, worthwhile, and motivated to get better. And I'm not motivated by fear -- far from it -- I'm motivated by his love for me, which is great enough to risk pissing me off or hurting me if that's what it takes to ultimately heal me.
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