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RE: BDSM, sexual or not? - 9/28/2007 6:41:13 AM

sammiebabygirl

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quote:

ORIGINAL: BitaTruble

Your notification should be in the email address with which you signed up. If you don't see it there, check the spam folder for that email address.

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i am not getting notifications in any of my folders. They are just not coming to me.
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RE: BDSM, sexual or not? - 9/28/2007 6:50:52 AM

toservez

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quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross

For me that's like asking how going to the movies isn't sexual, or being in a religious ritual isn't sexual.

It's not the actions which make something sexual, it's how it works in YOU.

I fully believe kinky people should stop being so uptight about sex and just embrace it as another messy kink. But you shouldn't go the other direction and INSIST that they see it as sex or sexual when it isn't for them.

I echo this very much.

This is a fairly common topic and you see that the answers all fill up the entire spectrum. For sum it is all sexual, for some it is not sexual and for some it can be both depending on many factors.

I do not quite go as far to say it is sexual only because in the grand schemes of things anything can be sexual which I agree with. I do feel for many of us that it is sexual or can be sexual that there just is a closer connection in our bodies and minds. Look at domestic discipline sites for example and you will see that after maintenance spankings which are not done in a sexual way at all the females express many times the need and desire to please sexually in particular afterwards. It is obvious for many, not all, that sex and BDSM are tied into together on some level.

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RE: BDSM, sexual or not? - 9/28/2007 6:53:05 AM

thetammyjo

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I think an answer to your question, sammiebabygirl, will be based on at least two factors.

First, who answers. Each person has different experiences and needs.

Second, which part of BDSM, which activity or relationship under that rather large umbrella, you are talking about.

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RE: BDSM, sexual or not? - 9/28/2007 6:53:52 AM

LATEXBABY64

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but how many would do it if it was not sexual and there was not sex at all

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RE: BDSM, sexual or not? - 9/28/2007 6:58:19 AM

Viridana

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quote:

ORIGINAL: sammiebabygirl
This is my first official post, not counting my introduction and it is something i have thought of and discussed often. i hear it all the time, especially from female subs that it is NOT sexual for them. How can BDSM not be sexual? Someone spends an hour or so manipulating your body, your genitals, your mind and you are not supposed to feel any form of arousal?

BDSM doesn't need to be sexual. We are all looking for different things. Some people practice bdsm without "manipulating" erotic areas so why should they become aroused? I, personally, am looking for the endorphin high from pain. That's something that has nothing to do with my sexual arousal. My body, genitals and mind doesn't get manipulated. I choose whatever is being done to me because I like it and it gets me high.

What I'm saying is that there isn no one "twue" way of practicing BDSM and therefore no one "twue" goal to reach.

quote:

i am very open about the fact that, not only do i consider BDSM to be sexual for me, but i REALLY LOVE SEX!!!! Does that make me less of a submissive? Some have said that i am just a kinky swinger and not a real sub.

It is one of the primary reasons i no longer attend events in my local community.

What are Y/your thoughts?

Practicing BDSM without sexual tones has nothing to do with one's normal sexual appetite. I've gotten so many replies as to, that I must be frigid as a nun, since I don't practice my BDSM sexually. This couldn't be more far from the truth. Me and my partner have sex (and great sex at that) on a almost daily basis, and I really really love sex. I just feel that sexual arousal takes away from my pain-enjoyment, and extreme pain takes away from my sexual enjoyment. My body just doesn't function like that.

Nobody is any less of a submissive, dominant or ________ (insert title), because of their preferences and how they function. And you should never let anybody make you think otherwise.

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RE: BDSM, sexual or not? - 9/28/2007 7:05:28 AM

DocRudy

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IMO, sex is part of the fun and enjoyment of it all. It at least partly explains why many/most care what gender of partner they are looking for here on the site (assuming they are not bisexual, of course).

How big a part depends on how you like your BDSM served. 24/7 lifestyle BDSM? Or bedroom kinkiness?The latter uses BDSM as a tool for sex. The former uses BDSM to accentuate life.

To further illustrate the point, the people that say they would not live a BDSM lifestyle without the sex, I believe these are the people that only practice BDSM in the bedroom. Or in preparation for it. Those who say that BDSM is not about the sex, could very much find themselves capable of enjoying the lifestyle on a 24/7 basis.

So the short answer is... it depends.

-DR

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RE: BDSM, sexual or not? - 9/28/2007 7:15:22 AM

LATEXBABY64

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i love testing theories .Cause it is about personel resolve. It is a lot like doing a new computer program. You have test it out before you let it out to the public

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RE: BDSM, sexual or not? - 9/28/2007 7:54:50 AM

dreamysubmale

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Just embrace it, as LuckyAlbatros said.

Sex: A more-than-physical act. To focus on openness and vulnerability, not only carnal lust. Not about techniques, positions, scores or frequency. To seek a physical and spiritual union through sex. To lose the self in the other. To feel united for a precious moment before we return to our separated state.

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RE: BDSM, sexual or not? - 9/28/2007 8:17:39 AM

swtnsparkling

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quote:

LATEXBABY64
but how many would do it if it was not sexual and there was not sex at all

I have had two relationships with No sex .
I have had two relationships with sex.

Not one was better than the other each was unique and special I never felt I was missing something. I was deliciously happy in each one.

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RE: BDSM, sexual or not? - 9/28/2007 8:26:52 AM

sublizzie

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quote:

ORIGINAL: LATEXBABY64

but how many would do it if it was not sexual and there was not sex at all

Probably not many, but then, I *am* unique!

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RE: BDSM, sexual or not? - 9/28/2007 8:58:40 AM

akisha

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Sex is a big part of it for me, but then again, even when in a "regular" relationship sex was a bit part of it for me, so I'm not going to say that BDSM is sexual, I am.

The biggest part of a BDSM relationship for me is the Power exchange, the feeling of being cared for and being taken care of, and doing my best to please my partner, and i don't mean sexually. I mean by making sure coffee is ready when he wakes up, by being sure things are the way he likes them, doing what I can to make his day, week, etc flows easier and better anyway I can.

All our relationships in any venue will reflect what is ecentially who we are, and why would you want to change who you are for anyone?

Everyone is an individual. Some are sexual beings, some are motivated by the need to be controlled and taken care of, some are motivated and find fullfilment in the release brought out by pain.

Know who you are and what it is you need and desire with in a relationship and find someone that is looking for the a similar thing.

There is no such thing as the right way and the wrong way to conduct "YOUR" relationship dynamic. The only time right and wrong comes into it as far as i'm concerned is when you are talking about certain play aspects liek caning and flogging and fire play. Then there are definately wrong ways to do it *S* the way that causes damage.

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RE: BDSM, sexual or not? - 9/28/2007 10:01:25 AM

innocentdarkness

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To address latexbaby's post:

"but how many would do it if it was not sexual and there was not sex at all"

I would.

I can have kinky sex without BDSM. Equally, I can have BDSM without sex. It's like comparing apples to oranges. I'm into BDSM for the emotional/mental aspects of being in a D/s relationship. The B/D and S/M can be done just as kink, if that is what the partners choose. For me, it's all part of the D/s, and sex is a part of that relationship as it would be in any relationship where 2 people love, care for, and/or enjoy each other. But there were many times when Master and I engaged in BDSM activities without it resulting in sex. There are other types of releases a person can experience besides sexual release, and some of them can result in sexual release despite the lack of sexual activity. And think about this... what sort of satisfaction do you get after really good sex with someone you care about? Isn't it more than just physical? If it's not, then you're missing out on something, IMO.

By the way, I agree with TheTammyJo's post above.

<<<edited because by the time I got done typing my answer to latexbaby's post, there were 12 other answers, so mine suddenly made no sense! Damn, this has become an interesting and well-discussed topic! Also, gotta agree with DocRudy, which I usually do.

< Message edited by innocentdarkness -- 9/28/2007 10:05:04 AM >

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RE: BDSM, sexual or not? - 9/28/2007 10:09:12 AM

LordVelvet

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I guess the short answer is it depends on whom I am with. I have had sexual and non-sexual. Both fit at the time. Just My thoughts.
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RE: BDSM, sexual or not? - 9/28/2007 10:23:51 AM

LATEXBABY64

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quote:

ORIGINAL: innocentdarkness

To address latexbaby's post:

"but how many would do it if it was not sexual and there was not sex at all"

I would.

I can have kinky sex without BDSM. Equally, I can have BDSM without sex. It's like comparing apples to oranges. I'm into BDSM for the emotional/mental aspects of being in a D/s relationship. The B/D and S/M can be done just as kink, if that is what the partners choose. For me, it's all part of the D/s, and sex is a part of that relationship as it would be in any relationship where 2 people love, care for, and/or enjoy each other. But there were many times when Master and I engaged in BDSM activities without it resulting in sex. There are other types of releases a person can experience besides sexual release, and some of them can result in sexual release despite the lack of sexual activity. And think about this... what sort of satisfaction do you get after really good sex with someone you care about? Isn't it more than just physical? If it's not, then you're missing out on something, IMO.

By the way, I agree with TheTammyJo's post above.

<<<edited because by the time I got done typing my answer to latexbaby's post, there were 12 other answers, so mine suddenly made no sense! Damn, this has become an interesting and well-discussed topic! Also, gotta agree with DocRudy, which I usually do.

It is easy to say this But when I read through the other threads and people post why they left it was because of sexual reasons needs wants kinda of funny hummm
so which is it. Or are people just saying things to save face. I mean after all no one really cares if you do or do not just the person your with or going to bewith that is all that matters

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RE: BDSM, sexual or not? - 9/28/2007 10:30:22 AM

camille65

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quote:

ORIGINAL: LATEXBABY64

but how many would do it if it was not sexual and there was not sex at all

I would and I do. I've belonged to R for 7+ years and sexual activity happens oh, about 4 times a year.

So it is not necessarily about sex for every person LATEXBABY64.

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RE: BDSM, sexual or not? - 9/28/2007 10:32:21 AM

camille65

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quote:

ORIGINAL: LATEXBABY64

i love testing theories .Cause it is about personel resolve. It is a lot like doing a new computer program. You have test it out before you let it out to the public

I don't see you as testing theories.

I see you as unable to understand something .... how people can be in a BDSM relationship and not fuck.
(sorry for the wordage but jeez it really just fit there!)

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RE: BDSM, sexual or not? - 9/28/2007 11:24:14 AM

toservez

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quote:

ORIGINAL: LATEXBABY64

quote:

ORIGINAL: innocentdarkness

To address latexbaby's post:

"but how many would do it if it was not sexual and there was not sex at all"

I would.

I can have kinky sex without BDSM. Equally, I can have BDSM without sex. It's like comparing apples to oranges. I'm into BDSM for the emotional/mental aspects of being in a D/s relationship. The B/D and S/M can be done just as kink, if that is what the partners choose. For me, it's all part of the D/s, and sex is a part of that relationship as it would be in any relationship where 2 people love, care for, and/or enjoy each other. But there were many times when Master and I engaged in BDSM activities without it resulting in sex. There are other types of releases a person can experience besides sexual release, and some of them can result in sexual release despite the lack of sexual activity. And think about this... what sort of satisfaction do you get after really good sex with someone you care about? Isn't it more than just physical? If it's not, then you're missing out on something, IMO.

By the way, I agree with TheTammyJo's post above.

<<<edited because by the time I got done typing my answer to latexbaby's post, there were 12 other answers, so mine suddenly made no sense! Damn, this has become an interesting and well-discussed topic! Also, gotta agree with DocRudy, which I usually do.

It is easy to say this But when I read through the other threads and people post why they left it was because of sexual reasons needs wants kinda of funny hummm
so which is it. Or are people just saying things to save face. I mean after all no one really cares if you do or do not just the person your with or going to bewith that is all that matters

This post is not making the assumption that only doing BDSM then results in sex as sometimes it can and sometimes it does not. My post is for the people who do BDSM in a one on one relationship that they are never sexual during or soon after.

All human beings have a sexual drive of a varying degree from none or very little to humping like bunnies.

I personally wonder for the people in a one on one relationship where all their sex and BDSM comes from and they have sex measured in how many times a week and not a year that what percent of those are during or soon after an “event” we talk about on here have sex of some nature?

I think most on here agree that it is an individual thing, and I am not singling out anyone at all, but I am always stunned at how this subject comes up on a near daily basis on here. It just seems that there are people that come to these boards to promote or to react to people telling them that sex is not intertwined part of a D/s or M/s life. It is not that it has to be one or the other but the insistence that some people take their belief to be so absolute.

I guess I am at a loss for people who are sexually active people in a one on one relationship and something like a romantic meal can lead to sex but something like BDSM is done that is quite intimate and it moves them to do nothing most if not all the time. That concept I must admit to I am confused by.

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RE: BDSM, sexual or not? - 9/28/2007 1:59:46 PM

sammiebabygirl

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quote:

ORIGINAL: toservez

I guess I am at a loss for people who are sexually active people in a one on one relationship and something like a romantic meal can lead to sex but something like BDSM is done that is quite intimate and it moves them to do nothing most if not all the time. That concept I must admit to I am confused by.

Amen to that!! That one baffles me as well.

jen

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RE: BDSM, sexual or not? - 9/28/2007 4:26:09 PM

AFlyInYourWeb

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quote:

ORIGINAL: BitaTruble

quote:

ORIGINAL: sammiebabygirl

Thanks so much for all the replies, so far. i have one question. how can i get notified when there are responses? i selected that option in my preferences, in my profile, but i am not getting them.

jen

Your notification should be in the email address with which you signed up. If you don't see it there, check the spam folder for that email address.

Celeste

If the e-mail from CM is going to your spam folder, enter the sending address [collarbot at collarme dot com] into your e-mail address list. Most spam filters will not intercept e-mails from addresses listed in your address file.

< Message edited by AFlyInYourWeb -- 9/28/2007 4:28:14 PM >

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RE: BDSM, sexual or not? - 9/28/2007 4:39:56 PM

BossyShoeBitch

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quote:

ORIGINAL: sammiebabygirl

This is my first official post, not counting my introduction and it is something i have thought of and discussed often. i hear it all the time, especially from female subs that it is NOT sexual for them. How can BDSM not be sexual? Someone spends an hour or so manipulating your body, your genitals, your mind and you are not supposed to feel any form of arousal? If you do feel aroused, should you keep it quiet or share it with your Dom/mme? Or, if you are the Dominant, does playing with your sub arouse you? If so, why not act on that feeling if this is your sub and you have a sexual relationship?
i am very open about the fact that, not only do i consider BDSM to be sexual for me, but i REALLY LOVE SEX!!!! Does that make me less of a submissive? Some have said that i am just a kinky swinger and not a real sub.

It is one of the primary reasons i no longer attend events in my local community.

What are Y/your thoughts?

I don't have time to read the whole thread, but I'll just give my quick $.02.
First of all, welcome to the forums! Second, what you have to remember is not to let people tell you what you are or what you should like. Labels are a big subject of controversy around here (as well they should be).
You are a real sub if you feel you are a real sub. Somewhere out there is the right Dom for you.

With that said, there are some for whom WIITWD (What It Is That We Do) is not about sex at all. There are some for whom WIITWD is only about sex, and many who fall in between...
For me, it is all about sex. I don't think there is anyone I know in or out of the lifestyle community who would try and tell me that I am not into WIITWD because of it..
That's just me...

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