tested by your Dom (Full Version)

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serisa -> tested by your Dom (9/30/2007 11:59:24 AM)

hi i am in my first relationship with my Dom.  He is working with a mentor who decides how i should be tested.  its mainly him testing my reactions to certain stuff but i never know if its real or test til after i reacted and not straight away either.  eg my last one he was due to come see me in the eve.  he was over hour late and i text to ask if still coming (reason being i have to leave door unlocked if i am expecting him and i dont want to leave it open all night!).  no reply, so then i get worried and text to ask if he is ok, no answer, phone him. no answer.  i was worrued sick all night and in morning got text 'sorry, drunk too many beers'.  well, i was not happy about this and told him respectfully why.  anyhow, apparently my reasons why passed me on this one.  he once said its going to be tough going but he thought we could get thru it.  does anyone have this similar sort testing? how bad does it actually get? how many chances do you get?.  this has been  going on for months now and i have no idea how long its supposed to go on for. what happens at the end (collar?!) he hasnt explained all this.  any tips getting thru it? instead feeling safe and secure i keep dreading whats coming next and what happens if 'i dont make the grade?'.  is the relationship over?  thanks for any help you can give X                 



DominantEngineer -> RE: tested by your Dom (9/30/2007 12:07:14 PM)

I would think he should give you some sort of road map to your collar. From what you said I have a feeling he is not really serious about the relationship. I would not endanger my sub or slave by telling them to keep the door unlocked but then get drunk and never show.



BitaTruble -> RE: tested by your Dom (9/30/2007 12:09:12 PM)

Well, only one side of the story here, but my gut reaction is that this guy is full of shit. Making someone worry half to death over you, then responding that they had too many beers is the sign of a problem IMO. That's not a test of you.. it's his method of excusing his own behavior when he fails to meet the maturity level of a reasonable, responsible adult. It's up to you whether or not you want to continue in a relationship where such things are purported to be tests of your reactions rather than someone taking responsibility for their own actions.

Celeste



angelic -> RE: tested by your Dom (9/30/2007 12:09:53 PM)

This is not going to be a response you want to hear; however....any Dom that feels the need to test is no Dom (imo).  i would put up with that once... he would not get a second chance to 'test' me in this fashion. 



serisa -> RE: tested by your Dom (9/30/2007 12:13:47 PM)

i now what you mean and is part of reason i was upset but i think he thought id realise he wasnt coming and lock back up.  the instruction was only to leave it open when expecting him as often dont know exactly what time hes coming and if i in bathroom etc i might not be able to hear.  of course i thought he might still be coming, just be late so waited and waited until early hours. 



KatyLied -> RE: tested by your Dom (9/30/2007 12:18:49 PM)

quote:

what happens if 'i dont make the grade?'.


You'll be rid of a selfish, immature guy.



serisa -> RE: tested by your Dom (9/30/2007 12:27:39 PM)

should have added in case unclear,  he says he didnt get drunk. this made up and part of the testing to see if i react appropriately, apparently moral to teach me was 'this type of behaviour long term leads to lack of trust and if one day there is a serious problem and you do this alot no one will care about you as they will think you are messing them about'.  this is what told him and hence he said i hade passed test.  i guess trying to teach me exactly why i shouldnt do this type of thing (not that i ever would).
However, yes i was still worried sick about him all night that he could have had car crash or whatever which is why i worry so much whats going to happen next,



Cyntilating -> RE: tested by your Dom (9/30/2007 12:31:39 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: serisa

hi i am in my first relationship with my Dom.  He is working with a mentor who decides how i should be tested.  its mainly him testing my reactions to certain stuff but i never know if its real or test til after i reacted and not straight away either.  eg my last one he was due to come see me in the eve.  he was over hour late and i text to ask if still coming (reason being i have to leave door unlocked if i am expecting him and i dont want to leave it open all night!).  no reply, so then i get worried and text to ask if he is ok, no answer, phone him. no answer.  i was worrued sick all night and in morning got text 'sorry, drunk too many beers'.  well, i was not happy about this and told him respectfully why.  anyhow, apparently my reasons why passed me on this one.  he once said its going to be tough going but he thought we could get thru it.  does anyone have this similar sort testing? how bad does it actually get? how many chances do you get?.  this has been  going on for months now and i have no idea how long its supposed to go on for. what happens at the end (collar?!) he hasnt explained all this.  any tips getting thru it? instead feeling safe and secure i keep dreading whats coming next and what happens if 'i dont make the grade?'.  is the relationship over?  thanks for any help you can give X                 


Serisa,
....since you say this is "the test phase" ( btw, I'm not familiar with this phase ) of your relationship>>> perhaps you could ask yourself if HE is passing YOUR test?
is he?  what and where is your watermark that indicates what feels right, what sends off warning signs in your gut?
 
When I read what you have written > what comes to my mind is the question>  is he testing her or is he using his "position" to impose excuses for what is really lousy behavior.
 
I can't and won't tell you what kind of a relationship is right for you ...but I can say that
When my master wants to "see my reaction"  he is there watching me, talking with me, engaged in Us..
not trying to "trick me" to see how I respond...
he is not lazy, nor does he take the lazy way out.
He is engaged and aware and makes sure I feel every bit of that command and authority of the situation.
He does not hold me to any responsibility or accountability that he himself isn't also living up to as well.....so even after this long> if I am expected to account for why I didn't call or come over when anticipated >>> He would also feel the same sense of responsibility to account for his whereabouts and absence.  He wouldn't do it because He had to ( because he doesn't ). he would account for his whereabouts because its part of his role to make the choices and decisions that will always secure the trust we have between us.
....and I can guarantee his excuse would have nothing to do with having too many beers.
"cuz i'm the dom/me"   is not an excuse for poor judgement..
and doesn't cut it alone for instilling trust and security in a relationship.
without the actions to back it up> its just a sentence...easily said.

is he passing your test?
what criteria do you have in your mind that defines the kind of relationship YOU want to be in ? want to submit to?
not asking you to answer me, per se,   just asking so you think about it..perhaps
 
smiles
 


 



camille65 -> RE: tested by your Dom (9/30/2007 12:33:16 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: serisa

i now what you mean and is part of reason i was upset but i think he thought id realise he wasnt coming and lock back up.  the instruction was only to leave it open when expecting him as often dont know exactly what time hes coming and if i in bathroom etc i might not be able to hear.  of course i thought he might still be coming, just be late so waited and waited until early hours. 


I think you gave yourself an answer right there. He said to leave your door unlocked when expecting him and you ended up expecting him most of the night.

It can't be very easy not knowing from one moment to another if you are being tested. Has he told you just what it is that he is testing?



pseudopsychotic -> RE: tested by your Dom (9/30/2007 12:52:01 PM)

quote:

You'll be rid of a selfish, immature guy.



So wonderfully put.



serisa -> RE: tested by your Dom (9/30/2007 12:56:41 PM)

these were my words not his 'if i dont make the grade' it just describes the enormous pressure i feel under.  actually i remember him saying something like 'if we dont get through it id still like to see you, but it wont be in the same way id like it to be'.  however dont know quite what this means (dont get collar ? ?).  he said he has undergone this heavy testing with other subs but none have got this far b4 (i think he means they couldnt handle the pressure and ended it) and it all goes to test the strength of my commitment to him (knowing that what happens could be a set up).  he knows i do alot of learning D's online and said he doubts i could find alot of info on this style testing online and he is correct in that.  hey it not part of the test is it that i should be saying this style of testing is out of order??? ! !   He really does seems a wonderful guy and i madly truly care about him.  i just wish all this stuff wasnt going on and I understood it all a bit more



happypervert -> RE: tested by your Dom (9/30/2007 12:57:36 PM)

quote:

He is working with a mentor who decides how i should be tested.

This is cute! Your "dom" is being dommed by someone who decides what you should do. Why don't you just cut out the middleman?



BitaTruble -> RE: tested by your Dom (9/30/2007 1:08:24 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: serisa

i just wish all this stuff wasnt going on and I understood it all a bit more


What's to understand? Everytime he lies to you and get caught, he's going to tell you it was a test. That's the lesson, learn it like all the others who eventually saw through the fascade and dumped his ass or continue on the path. It's up to you.

Celeste



pseudopsychotic -> RE: tested by your Dom (9/30/2007 1:10:29 PM)

quote:

these were my words not his 'if i dont make the grade' it just describes the enormous pressure i feel under.  actually i remember him saying something like 'if we dont get through it id still like to see you, but it wont be in the same way id like it to be'.  however dont know quite what this means (dont get collar ? ?).  he said he has undergone this heavy testing with other subs but none have got this far b4 (i think he means they couldnt handle the pressure and ended it) and it all goes to test the strength of my commitment to him (knowing that what happens could be a set up).  he knows i do alot of learning D's online and said he doubts i could find alot of info on this style testing online and he is correct in that.  hey it not part of the test is it that i should be saying this style of testing is out of order??? ! !   He really does seems a wonderful guy and i madly truly care about him.  i just wish all this stuff wasnt going on and I understood it all a bit more


I think we all undrstand that what you type is in your own words.
But think..Is this really how you want to feel? Seems to me that he's building a lot of mistrust in you and that's not a good thing. "When this is all over." (the testing phase..) How will you feel? Five will get you ten that you'll be skitish as a rabbit, never knowing still if he's lying to you or tricking you.
And I bet you cant find info on the net about this stuff..Because it doesnt exist.
I don't care who you are, not holding your end of a bargin is pure crap. and thats what he's doing. If he says he's going to be somewhere, then he better damn well be there or at least call if he cant make it.

As to the others that came before you...I kinda see a common denominator.
The strength  of your commitment to him? Hmm, what about his to you?



OsideGirl -> RE: tested by your Dom (9/30/2007 1:17:41 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: BitaTruble

Well, only one side of the story here, but my gut reaction is that this guy is full of shit.
I absolutely agree. Emotional blackmail is an unhealthy way to go through a relationship.



Anguisette1 -> RE: tested by your Dom (9/30/2007 1:21:29 PM)

"Designed testing" annoys me. In a new relationship...EVERYthing is a test - it's hard enough to establish trust without the added anxieties of being set-up. "Test" insinuates measuring knowledge gained...a grade. Did you pass? Did you fail?  More importantly: did HE?

Setting the test itself aside for just a moment...of bigger concern to me are the unanswered questions in your posts. I can't impress enough the importance of communication...two way communication. If he's unhappy with what you learn online, he needs to make that known and provide an alternative. If he has a specific goal in mind, he needs to share/instruct you with that. If you have doubts about your actions or abilities, he needs to be aware so that they may be addressed. If this so-called 'mentor' is directing the relationship and not just your dom's philosophy, have you considered that you are serving two?

I'm sorry...an awful lot of if's there..."if" is the center of life, you know.

Until you are confident and secure with your path and its guides, your own safety and well-being should be first on your list of concerns.



beeble -> RE: tested by your Dom (9/30/2007 1:24:04 PM)

quote:

hserisa wrote: He said he has undergone this heavy testing with other subs but none have got this far b4

Well, that alone tells you that he has unrealistic expectations.  From what you've said, his behaviour seems to be totally unacceptable.  If you're really sure he's a wonderful guy, maybe it's his `mentor' who's the problem?



TPESOSWanted -> RE: tested by your Dom (9/30/2007 1:26:23 PM)

quote:

however dont know quite what this means (dont get collar ? ?).

Gee ... so you'd miss out getting a collar from a retard wannabe who has to have a (supposedly) experienced Dom hold his hand & give him bad advice on how to treat you?  Seems like your dom is a loser taking advice from a wannabe.  What a Comedy of Errors!  Assholes like that give decent Doms a bad name.

quote:

it all goes to test the strength of my commitment to him

He's got his head irrevocably wedged up his ass. Commitment is not pre-fabbed thing.  It's the other side of trust & grows with a relationship based upon a history together.  If he is playing these games, then you (and all prior to you) have no idea when he's telling the truth or just jerking you around. He's only proving that he hasn't any idea of how to establish trust.  He keeps crying "wolf" and can't figure out why nobody trusts him!  What an idjit.

But ... that's just my opinion ... if you believe him when he tells you it's true love ... good luck. 



breatheasone -> RE: tested by your Dom (9/30/2007 1:31:14 PM)

Serisa.....OMG....I am SO sorry you are being treated this way...It is NOT what a HEALTHY intelligent thoughtful mature person should do to another....you may want to rethink this so called dom. In my humble opinion you should RUN not walk, away from such a cruel and thoughtless wretch



TakenPet -> RE: tested by your Dom (9/30/2007 2:03:06 PM)

My Master has never used the drunk excuse, but he has fallen asleep, its to be expected though, he works midnights and tries to stay up during the day so we can have a little chat time (5-30 min) usually when I am done work around 3:30.  Sometimes however he is detoured by his ride (he doesn't have a car and has to catch a ride with someone else) and I may not hear from him for days as there is not always access to phone or internet.  He does however leave a message for me in some way usually via his mom.  There have been a few tests in our relationship, but they seemed like obvious tests, to see if I would follow instructions, not something that could potentially put me in harms way.  Is it normal to test, its all about limits and where yours are, it happens in vanilla relationships too.  To leave someone hanging all night becuase he went out and got drunk is in my humble opinion not approrpriate.  I think you should tell him how you feel, and how it makes you feel and decide what to do from there.  You are smart and you know yourself, so trust your gut and do what you feel is right.
Good luck!
tp



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