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Abuse disguised as Dominance - 7/25/2005 5:09:15 AM   
BeachMystress


Posts: 2156
Joined: 4/3/2004
From: Naples Island- Long Beach CA - Southern California
Status: offline
This is taken from a Dom's profile on this site. "I have a temper and with that can be abusive, both physically and mentally." Personally, the thought that someone truly abused their submissive made me almost physically ill. Someone might say, well at least he is honest about it.. but I find that to be a cop out. Anyone who knows this about themselves knows enough to get help fixing it. BDSM is not abuse and true mental and physical abuse have no place in it. Am I the only one who feels this way? (I sure hope not!)

The Difference between BDSM and Abuse

_____________________________

Beach Mystress
*Do not threaten the weak. Intimidate the strong. ~ Stevenson*
http://beachmystress.jigsy.com
http://www.flickr.com/photos/beachmystress/
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: Abuse disguised as Dominance - 7/25/2005 5:24:39 AM   
LadyShoshin


Posts: 492
Joined: 7/19/2004
From: Burlington, Ontario
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: BeachMystress


This is taken from a Dom's profile on this site. "I have a temper and with that can be abusive, both physically and mentally." Personally, the thought that someone truly abused their submissive made me almost physically ill. Someone might say, well at least he is honest about it.. but I find that to be a cop out. Anyone who knows this about themselves knows enough to get help fixing it. BDSM is not abuse and true mental and physical abuse have no place in it. Am I the only one who feels this way? (I sure hope not!)

The Difference between BDSM and Abuse

No you aren't the only one, a couple of weeks ago folks from the BDSM community helped an abused woman in a D/s relationship to leave, local police ensured that the move remained calm and orderly. However, the abuser is still clueless as to what he has done wrong, after a string of female submissives had to leave because of the abuse, he is still clueless.

A second fellow who beat his submissive so badly, she miscarried their child - clueless. Has no idea what he did wrong and also has a revolving collar for subs who enter his life and leave.

I have recommended that the abused women lay charges and put those abusive asses in jail, they have chosen not to.

My problem is not being able to understand how a woman who has been abused, won't go to court to stop the serial abuser. They have freedom of choice.

_____________________________

PHLOX: “It’s unethical for a doctor to cause harm...I can inflict as much pain as I like.”

(in reply to BeachMystress)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: Abuse disguised as Dominance - 7/25/2005 7:26:37 AM   
Kindred2Evil


Posts: 227
Joined: 4/16/2005
Status: offline 		The thing about being abused is this...if you haven't had it done to you, you have no clue what it's like. The abuse usually takes place on many levels, mentally, emotionally and then physically. You are told over and over and over and over again how worthless/ugly/nasty/unneeded etc . This breaks you down mentally. You are hugged then pushed away, raped, kissed then ignored. This breaks you down emotionally. Then you get the forever more heaven beaten out of you. Usually by the time it becomes physical mentally and emotionally you are mush.
When my ex-husband and I got divorced, he couldn't understand what he had done wrong either. He looked at it as "home discipline", that he had merely done what needed to be done. There were always a million reasons as to why I "deserved" it, none of which made sense really.
Abuse is a hot button for me...any man or woman that inflicts pain on someone against their will in ANY way is abusive.

Beach, this "Dom" needs to get some serious help, he's a danger to himself and this community. Some poor soul is going to get wrapped up in him and end up paying dearly for their mistake.

Shoshin, I can tell you why I didn't lay charges on him. I was TERRIFIED. This man had taken my self esteem, he had crippled me mentally, emotionally and wounded me physically for so long that I lived in utter fear of what he would do next. It takes a lot and I mean ALOT of strength just to leave the situation. The last thing you want to do is face this person yet again. Most abusers are smooth talkers...mine had his lawyer convinced that I fell and that's how my hand got broken. My parents adored him. You live in fear that he'll end up talking his way out of it and really kicking your ass.

I'm sorry this is so long...but abuse is something that is near to my heart. I've survived through some of the most hellatious things that to this day I have problems thinking about it without getting sick to my stomach. I am still, nearly 10 years after the fact, scared silly of this man.

Be careful out there...



< Message edited by Kindred2Evil -- 7/25/2005 7:28:07 AM >

_____________________________

Her touch is on the breeze that brushes your cheek, Her voice rides the thunder as the storm breaks, Her tears will clean your heartache when the rains come, Her sun will light the darkest times when you feel alone...She is the Goddess.

(in reply to LadyShoshin)
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RE: Abuse disguised as Dominance - 7/25/2005 7:36:34 AM   
EmeraldSlave2


Posts: 3645
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline 		I would also like to point out that some people (particularly newbies) use the word "abuse" in a far more general sense than we do and might not mean in in an actually dysfunctional abusive manner.

Similarly to how a lot of people use the word "punishment" as a way to deal with kink and such.

(in reply to BeachMystress)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: Abuse disguised as Dominance - 7/25/2005 8:12:56 AM   
MstrssPassion


Posts: 2444
Joined: 1/1/2004
From: West Palm Beach, FL
Status: offline 		Maybe I can add a twist without taking away from the discussion...

I am a dominant woman yet I found myself to be a victim of abuse. It isn't just the submissives that can be victims.

I did press charges. He did spend some time in jail & since he threatened my life I was advised to leave the area. I was placed in a shelter for victims of domestic violence. In this house there were men also, so it is not just a gender related crime.

To make a long story short, he ended up with nothing more than a slap on the wrists & no criminal history. The State's Attorney advised me to settle this with him getting one year probation & 26 hours of anger management. I resisted for about a week & then he told me that if I didn't agree to this, he would most likely get the case tossed out. He told me that the only recourse now is if he actually does this again & that victim presses charges that they will open this file & then prosecute him to the full extent. I felt horrible that in order for this man to be stopped that there would have to be yet another victim. I was powerless to prevent it from happening.

Of course the laws for each state is different, but there is definitely some serious issues with the laws concerning domestic violence. I just heard a news report about a man who killed his partner, orphaning a 2 y/o child. This animal had 12 arrests of domestic violence & several arrests of assault, yet he was free to kill this woman. This is just plain wrong.

Abuse is a sickness & the individuals that are capable of such an act on another human being do need to seek help. Covering up abusive tendencies in a warm fuzzy blanket of dominance is what has tarnished this way of life & has lead others to view it as aberrant behavior.

Dominance & submission is not a sickness.

It saddens me that so many lurk within this way of life both as predator & prey. There are those that are abusers & there are many out there that are classic prey for these types. I met a few that fit this description of 'classic prey' in this shelter. I was not well liked when I voiced my opinion. So many of these abused people go back to the abuser over & over & there were also those that got away from the abuser just to find themselves with yet another.

I had to distance myself from the group as a whole. I had found myself in an unfortunate situation with my abuser. I was not tolerant of this behavior & I did not condone it. I took action immediately & it was the one & only time I have been a victim of such.

I had volunteered myself & my time to a great idea of a "Lifestyle-friendly Safehouse" that was put together by a group in Tampa. We had networked with several others around the state & country & I am happy to say, though we were not able to keep up the vision, we did successfully relocate several people from abusive homes & get them to safety. I still receive emails & phone calls from people that knew I was involved with this Safehouse. Unfortunately, I no longer have the resources to effectively place someone within a physical location, but I do speak with people & help them locate domestic violence help within their local community.

MstrssPassion

< Message edited by MstrssPassion -- 7/25/2005 8:13:40 AM >

(in reply to EmeraldSlave2)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: Abuse disguised as Dominance - 7/25/2005 8:13:50 AM   
fannie


Posts: 5
Joined: 5/31/2005
Status: offline

I have a storyy of abuse from my past.... Years and years ago i married a Man

and shortly after He abused me ...it happened a few times as we were only married

a short time.......Then He ran out and had an affair.....The woman called me

up out of the blue and told me she was in bed with my husband did i wish to come

watch........i was crushed and hated her.....of course i divorced the bum...


Well, that woman took up house keeping with Him and He beat her senseless

The last time He beat he so bad she laid on the floor for hours in a pool of blood

Well, she ended up coming to my door , brought there by the police.....

I opened it up to this beated woman...what a sight......she didn't

have a place to go......Well i took her in

Had the woman file charges, got her a job, set her up in an apt and she

meet a nice Man a lived happily ever after....To this day i don't believe

my nasty X knows who did Him.... and how she was able to get away

from Him

Peace be with You A/all

(in reply to BeachMystress)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: Abuse disguised as Dominance - 7/25/2005 8:14:07 AM   
pinkpleasures


Posts: 1114
Status: offline
quote:

I would also like to point out that some people (particularly newbies) use the word "abuse" in a far more general sense than we do and might not mean in in an actually dysfunctional abusive manner.

Similarly to how a lot of people use the word "punishment" as a way to deal with kink and such.

Emeraldslave2


Funny how this thread runs alongside the one i began on trying to determine in advance whether a man is an abusive man or a real Sadisitic Dom or Master.

As i said in the lastest post i made on the post "Is He a Sadist? An Abusive Man" Married?' the difference between an abusive man and a Sadist is the manipulation. A Sadistic Master tells a girl from the beginning that He is a Sadist; an abusive tells her whatever he thinks she wants to hear. When a Sadist has struck a girl, He may give aftercare, but He does not go through the :"gee i'm sorry; i don't know what came over me; i swear it'll never happen again" routine that an abusive man does.

A Sadistic Master is a knowable Man; He can reveal things to a girl that are thruthful about Himself. An abusive man is a chimera; he cannot reveal any verifiable information because he plans to commit a crime and does not want law enforcement to know his information.

It is not just a newbie to D/s who is at risk to falling prey to an abusive man. They are great predators and i believe any woman complacent and taking things at face value; ignoring warning signs and her own sense of ill-ease can fall prey.

i am heartened to know the local BDSM community rallies to help a battered woman. Any woman in that situation can call the county sherriff and ask to be taken to a woman's shelter; and they will be escorted to a safe house.

My best wishes to all who are seeking; and a pox on abusive men.

pinkpleasures

< Message edited by pinkpleasures -- 7/25/2005 8:17:44 AM >

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RE: Abuse disguised as Dominance - 7/25/2005 8:25:26 AM   
OsideGirl


Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline 		A Dominant must be able to control themselves before they can control someone else. Abusers use the scene as an acceptable reason for their abuse. They haven't figured out the difference between dominance and domineering.

_____________________________

Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

(in reply to pinkpleasures)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: Abuse disguised as Dominance - 7/25/2005 8:47:53 AM   
pinkpleasures


Posts: 1114
Status: offline
An abusive man NEEDS a victim..in the form of a woman in his home...whom he can beat to whatever degree he desires. Generally he will pirsue the woman he was currently beating until he "captures" a new one. i personally do not think such men can be helped; i think they are criminals and need to be imprisioned for their crimes. The Tallahassee District Attorney's office went after only ONE of the predators i presented..a teeenaged boy who had left permanet damage to his girlfriend's kidneys. After that, nothing. i kept hearing "It's a he said/ she said" situation. But of course it wasn't; because she had broken bones; bruisies, etc..concrete medical advice and police reports. It was an institutionalized attitude that domestic violence is not a "real" crime. Yet while i lived there, 3 women with restraining orders were shot to death by their abusers.

It is in my mind the exact opposite of Dominance, with it's lynch pin of protecting the submissive or slave.

pinkpleasures

_____________________________



(in reply to OsideGirl)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: Abuse disguised as Dominance - 7/25/2005 9:07:39 AM   
caitlyn


Posts: 3473
Joined: 12/22/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyShoshin


My problem is not being able to understand how a woman who has been abused, won't go to court to stop the serial abuser. They have freedom of choice.



Because as bad as abuse can be, some people don't hate the abuse or the abuser as much as they hate themself. Don't waste your time even trying to understand it.

(in reply to LadyShoshin)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: Abuse disguised as Dominance - 7/25/2005 9:40:16 AM   
MstrssPassion


Posts: 2444
Joined: 1/1/2004
From: West Palm Beach, FL
Status: offline
quote:

An abusive man NEEDS a victim.


I guess so many of us chimed in on this topic at the same time that my reply was buried.

This is completely true. Abusers seek out victims. Many victims are wired to be just that. I have no explanation of why this is the case. I just know it seems to be the case. My only experience would be what I witnessed from a family member. The sentiment was always, if I just love them enough, maybe he will change. Those are just the words of an enabler.

quote:

the form of a woman in his home...whom he can beat to whatever degree he desires.


I also mentioned that abuse is not a gender crime. Men are also victims. I also expressed that is not just the subs that find themselves to be abused.

quote:

ORIGINAL: OsideGirl

A Dominant must be able to control themselves before they can control someone else. Abusers use the scene as an acceptable reason for their abuse. They haven't figured out the difference between dominance and domineering.


So very true... but unfortunately many people that enter this way of life are purely interested in the kink & do not consider the dynamics of what control/guidance are within a D/s relationship. Many feel that they can give or receive a spanking (insert preferred kinky activity here) & that permits them to promote themselves as a dominant or submissive.

quote:

It is not just a newbie to D/s who is at risk to falling prey to an abusive man. They are great predators and i believe any woman complacent and taking things at face value; ignoring warning signs and her own sense of ill-ease can fall prey.

i am heartened to know the local BDSM community rallies to help a battered woman. Any woman in that situation can call the county sheriff and ask to be taken to a woman's shelter; and they will be escorted to a safe house.


I was part of a 'lifestyle-friendly' safehouse. (as mentioned earlier)

I am happy that we were able to help several people remove themselves from their abusers. Sadly our small group was not able to find funding to continue & we also lost the key location for the physical safehouse where we set up temporary shelter until a long-term home could be arranged.

The community as a whole is great about helping a battered woman but I also have to express that when we were operating this safehouse we discovered that many of these 'victims' were abusing the word abuse. So many times they would cry wolf when in fact they were just not satisfied within their relationship. Too often the dominant is made out to be that horrible control freak. We as a community have to be very wise in our response to every cry of abuse we hear about.

quote:

Kindred2Evil:
I can tell you why I didn't lay charges on him. I was TERRIFIED. This man had taken my self esteem, he had crippled me mentally, emotionally and wounded me physically for so long that I lived in utter fear of what he would do next. It takes a lot and I mean ALOT of strength just to leave the situation. The last thing you want to do is face this person yet again. Most abusers are smooth talkers...mine had his lawyer convinced that I fell and that's how my hand got broken. My parents adored him. You live in fear that he'll end up talking his way out of it and really kicking your ass.


I know what you mean. I cried the entire time I sat in court during the hearing for the injunction. This man that I had loved so dearly sat there like a wounded puppy. He spoke about his love & devotion to me & why on earth would I make up this story of abuse to have him arrested. He wasn't aware that I had an officer come over to take photos & that the officer was there when I received his threat that he was going to kill me. The judge took all of this evidence into consideration & gave me a permanent injunction, though it is scary that the only way this document works is if he actually breaks it & he is witnessed by law enforcement that he is in violation of it. I knew I was going to remove myself from danger. I could of easily just did that & nothing more. My strength to pursue further legal action came from the knowledge that I would most likely not be his last victim. I could not have a clear conscience of just walking away. I did what I could, but in the end the legal system failed me & sadly it fails so many other victims out there.


MstrssPassion

(in reply to pinkpleasures)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: Abuse disguised as Dominance - 7/25/2005 11:25:09 AM   
Kinkypupper


Posts: 713
Joined: 9/26/2004
From: Portland oregon
Status: offline 		VERY VERY sad and most unfortunate.
Unfortunately it is a product of our poor health care system that allows these "predators" to roam free..


_____________________________

Phil Moulton
A Sensual Touch
Locopony Racing
Portland Oregon

(in reply to BeachMystress)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: Abuse disguised as Dominance - 7/25/2005 11:43:49 AM   
Phoenixandnika


Posts: 748
Joined: 4/22/2005
From: Aberdeen Maryland
Status: offline 		When I first got involved with the lifestyle 10 years ago. My mentor told me, a dominate protects his property weither she is a slave or submisisve even from himself or herself. I strongly beleive this to be true.

I do not think that submissives / slaves are any more vulnerable than a domiante when it comes to the possiblity of abuse. Nor, do I think that being involved within the lfiestyle opens the door for abuse anymore than being involved in a vanilla relationship.

The reality is abusers do exist in every group weither relitions, social, economic, or lifestyle. If someone openly admits they have lost control and become abusive, in ways I think they have taken the 1st of many steps to helping themselves. However, until you are in place of controling yourself where you do not become abusive why get involved in a relationship weither lifestyle or nilla? Seek counseling, seek anger management but in my opinion seeking a new partner is dangerous to you and them. My other question is who intheir right mind would seek someoen out who is openly abusive? Since when did dominace become about abuse? Pushing limits, yes. Punishments, at times. But all out abuse wheither mental or physical, bah! That is not what this lifestyle is about at least not in my mind.


nika, Phoenix's deviant slave

_____________________________

"Life is neither a bed of roses nor a carpet of thorns, it's just what you make of it."



(in reply to Kinkypupper)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: Abuse disguised as Dominance - 7/25/2005 11:49:58 AM   
ElektraUkM


Posts: 309
Joined: 2/19/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Kindred2Evil

The thing about being abused is this...if you haven't had it done to you, you have no clue what it's like. The abuse usually takes place on many levels, mentally, emotionally and then physically. You are told over and over and over and over again how worthless/ugly/nasty/unneeded etc . This breaks you down mentally. You are hugged then pushed away, raped, kissed then ignored. This breaks you down emotionally. Then you get the forever more heaven beaten out of you. Usually by the time it becomes physical mentally and emotionally you are mush.

Shoshin, I can tell you why I didn't lay charges on him. I was TERRIFIED. This man had taken my self esteem, he had crippled me mentally, emotionally and wounded me physically for so long that I lived in utter fear of what he would do next. It takes a lot and I mean ALOT of strength just to leave the situation. The last thing you want to do is face this person yet again. Most abusers are smooth talkers...mine had his lawyer convinced that I fell and that's how my hand got broken. My parents adored him. You live in fear that he'll end up talking his way out of it and really kicking your ass.



I too survived an abusive relationship, and it's true... unless you've been there, you have no concept of how one human being can twist the mind of another until they are completely incapable of making a decision in their own best interests.

quote:

ORIGINAL: caitlyn

quote:



ORIGINAL: LadyShoshin

My problem is not being able to understand how a woman who has been abused, won't go to court to stop the serial abuser. They have freedom of choice.


Because as bad as abuse can be, some people don't hate the abuse or the abuser as much as they hate themself. Don't waste your time even trying to understand it.


The thing is, you don't start out hating yourself, you start out maybe being a little too easy-going, a little uncertain of things, a little too eager to please. Exposed to the wrong person, you can become road kill in a matter of months. These people are out there, and its no fun being sucked into their version of reality.

quote:

ORIGINAL: pinkpleasures

Funny how this thread runs alongside the one i began on trying to determine in advance whether a man is an abusive man or a real Sadisitic Dom or Master.



I was thinking that too! I didn't see your original plea for personal experiences (that you mentioned on the other thread) otherwise I'd have been glad to tell you about my past 'relationship', what I learnt from that about abusers, and how differently I hope I'm approaching life now. And I just wanted to say that I am really glad you're making the effort to highlight this problem, pinkpleasures.

Edited to add: That I wholeheartedly agree with what Phoenixandnika posted above.



~ Elektra

< Message edited by ElektraUkM -- 7/25/2005 11:54:49 AM >

(in reply to Kindred2Evil)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: Abuse disguised as Dominance - 7/25/2005 1:54:50 PM   
MstrHellsFury


Posts: 388
Joined: 1/5/2005
Status: offline 		my heart goes out to any and all be they either gender or inbetween...if I were able to be the worlds police..this would be my #1 priority...being in this lifestyle isn't an excuse for those who come to it with the boldest of intentions to creat havoc...IMHO..I always believe it's done with a loving hand..not a spiteful or hateful one...as it's been said before and will probably be said again and again..with I hope open ears to thoses on the recieving end...if it doesn't feel right..if you don't feel the safety and security you feel you should have...please don't find reasons to stay..listen to the reasons not to...


Fury


(in reply to ElektraUkM)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: Abuse disguised as Dominance - 7/25/2005 1:56:24 PM   
wetsub000


Posts: 91
Joined: 3/6/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Phoenixandnika

If someone openly admits they have lost control and become abusive, in ways I think they have taken the 1st of many steps to helping themselves.


I'm sorry, but when I hear that trite phrase I want to puke. As a victim of long term abuse I hung around and part of my justification wasthat I'd heard that phrase on Oprah and other places. I thought if I hang in long enough he'll admit to his problem, seek help and all will be well.

Well I did hang in long enough for him to get to the stage where he 'sought help' got a name for his problem, but that was the stage when things went from bad to worse. It became the excuse for everything and anything he wanted to do. He played up to it, instead of at least pretending to be normal and keep a reign on himself it was like he suddenly had carte blanche to do whatever he willed and I had to únderstand it was his problem and not him.

I left eight years ago and when I get the odd call from him it appears he hasn't changed in that time. He'll openly boast of some horrible thing he's done and how he's on first name terms with the local police etc. So if there's anyone out there waiting for their abuser to admit their problem and seek help my advice is ... don't wait ... they're adults and responsible for themselves, no matter how much you love them you can't help them only they can ... you're an adult and responsible for yourself and need to take action to protect yourself (and if you have children get them out!).

(in reply to Phoenixandnika)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: Abuse disguised as Dominance - 7/25/2005 6:33:41 PM   
Phoenixandnika


Posts: 748
Joined: 4/22/2005
From: Aberdeen Maryland
Status: offline
I'm goign to tell a story its not mine by a dear friends.

She got into the lifestyle very young, she was 18 when she took her 1st Owners collar. The Man was married with children. She was abused emotionally and physcially. I begged her every day to leave, to have him arrested to do anything just to get out.

In time she began thinking she was nothing but property, not a woman and in time not even a mother. Yes, she became pregnant. He toldher she was a slave not a mother, she beleived him. She gave upcustody of their child. In time she was hospitalized for her eating disorder.At this point her released her.Said she was more trouble than she was worth.

Several months later, she ached to see her daughter so she called her former and arranged a meeting. The day was great and she wsa so happy she got tos ee her daughter.By this time she was in someone elses collar. Her Mistress agreed to let her see her former and her daugher. That night after she tucked her daughter intot the room at the motel room and prepared to leave, her former grabbed her by the hair told her not to make a soudn, he raped her, and beat her so badly he broke her tailbone. She went to hospital.

Her Mistress refused to give her permission to take of her collar. The doctors said they coudl not take her into suregery without removing it. Still her Mistress refused to have it taken off. I told her to cut the damn thing off if need me. It hurt me inside to see my dearest friend in this place.

The horrible part is her former sees no issue withit and takes girl after girl who is just like my friend. And her Mistress at the time is no better. She put her pride over her girls well being.


Another story, I knew a dominate. He left a slave into his home. He took her as his,protected her, cared for her. When she used to get upset or agry with him she used to rage. Throw things. Scream at him. One day he woke up to her beating him over the head with a chair .

He had to get 36 stitches between his face and head. She was arrested.

Rereads my original post. Nope no where did I say that a Woman or Ma should stay around and take abuse until their abuser admits they are just that an abusiver. However, like any problem before you can fix it you must admit it is there.

People can not change an abuser any moe than you can force an addict to get clean. They must admit they have a problem and seek help to change it. So yes I stand by my original statement. Admitting you have a problem is a step to getting help. If nothing else you give others the power to avoid you like the plauge or direct you to someoen who can help you.

Although I am truly sorry your so physcially affected by a simple phrase.



The reality as I stated in my original post. Abuse happens in every facet of society. We in the lifestyle are not special when it comes to abuse or horror stories. I am sorry for what those who have been abused have been through both dominates and submissive / slaves. As vicitms it is our responsibilty to use the sytems we have, is it perfect. By no means but it is all we have. The only way to stop abusers, is to prosecute them, expose them for who and what they are. You do not have to agree with me, some probably wont. That is your right.

nika, Pheonix's deviant slave

< Message edited by Phoenixandnika -- 7/25/2005 6:45:46 PM >

_____________________________

"Life is neither a bed of roses nor a carpet of thorns, it's just what you make of it."



(in reply to wetsub000)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: Abuse disguised as Dominance - 7/25/2005 7:23:40 PM   
slavedesires


Posts: 669
Joined: 3/2/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: OsideGirl

Abusers use the scene as an acceptable reason for their abuse.



i met a guy once, only to find out he used the lifestyle to feed his rape fetish.
i looked him up in the court system only to find out he'd been in jail for rape.

he definately used his rape fetish disguised in dominance.

~~shy

_____________________________

i speak only my personal opinion, sometimes O/ours.

"i am the keeper of fragile things and i have kept what is indisolvable."
....the greatest gift.....vulnerability

(in reply to OsideGirl)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: Abuse disguised as Dominance - 7/25/2005 7:29:14 PM   
slavedesires


Posts: 669
Joined: 3/2/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: caitlyn

Because as bad as abuse can be, some people don't hate the abuse or the abuser as much as they hate themself. Don't waste your time even trying to understand it.


I know fully well what this means. i thought, in my mind if i could erase myself from the situtation, the person would stop. So i also hated myelf and developed a very poor self esteem. Years later, i still ache to beloved by the abuser, but i have accepted that it wont happen and have basicly moved on.
Thank God! And a solid sense of self worth.

~~shy

_____________________________

i speak only my personal opinion, sometimes O/ours.

"i am the keeper of fragile things and i have kept what is indisolvable."
....the greatest gift.....vulnerability

(in reply to caitlyn)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: Abuse disguised as Dominance - 7/26/2005 12:46:41 AM   
IronBear


Posts: 9008
Joined: 6/19/2005
From: Beenleigh, Qld, Australia
Status: offline 		It really is a pitty that there isn't another term for "Abuse". It does get confusing sometimes when it is used in conversations both on and off line. It must be even more confusing when the conversation is with someone either new to the lifestyle or is vanilla. personally I ask someone in what way there are refering to the term "abuse", and with friends I usually exoplain that there is a difference between "acceptable abuse" (ie. what vanilla folk may see as abuse in some of our actions, like having a slave kneel , being leashed etc) and real abuse which is negative and dangerous and a loss of control

_____________________________

Iron Bear

Master of Bruin Cottage

http://www.bruincottage.org

Your attitude, words & actions are yours. Take responsibility for them and the consequences they incur.

D.I.L.L.I.G.A.F.

(in reply to slavedesires)
Profile   Post #: 20
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