How Do You Cope with Dissapointment?

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How Do You Cope with Dissapointment? - 10/3/2007 8:14:47 PM

GoddessAriana

Posts: 11
Joined: 11/19/2004
Status: offline

Ladies, I need some advice and so I turn to my Sisters who are here in the trenches with me...

How do you cope with dissapointment? Do you feel that as Dominant Women we are held to a different set of standards than vanilla or submissive Women? Aren't we allowed to cry or be hurt or to be angry? Its almost like we are suppose to be robots or something.

*sigh* I just get frustrated sometimes. Dissapointment sucks and life does go on, I just feel like Im not suppose to feel hurt or upset and god forbid I should cry. Im still human. For me this is a lifestyle, a way of life, not just something I do for fun, or on the weekends or whatever.

So, I ask you, how do you all deal with things? Any advice on what I can do to not be so affected by things or by the hurt and agony of dissapointment?

Thank you in advance!

Goddess Ariana

Post #: 1

RE: How Do You Cope with Dissapointment? - 10/3/2007 8:22:34 PM

MaamJay

Posts: 2101
Joined: 9/2/2005
Status: offline

Well I don't put Myself on such a tall pedestal as the only way down is to fall off and that will only add to the hurt! I'm human first, Domme second ... therefore I give Myself permission to freely express the full range of human emotions in appropriate ways! And My subs are informed of that from the get-go ... and provided with hints and tips as to how to treat Me in different situations!

Maam Jay aka violet[A]

_____________________________

Life is a song ... and I love singing it! (By me!)

(in reply to GoddessAriana)

Post #: 2

RE: How Do You Cope with Dissapointment? - 10/3/2007 8:26:06 PM

LaMistressa

Posts: 460
Joined: 12/4/2006
Status: offline

For disappointment, I try to put it in context. Someone didn't turn out to be who I thought they were, I move on and forget them. A friend hurts me inadvertantly, I forgive them. (Someone hurts me deliberately? I kick their ass or cut them out of my life.)

As for crying or being hurt, that is part of the human condition, whether you are dominant or submissive or some combination thereof. In the last six months I lost both of my parents, and I still grieve. Anyone who didn't understand that would be out of my life quickly. I also went through a very bad breakup, and those who cared for me understood that - you can't bottle that sort of experience up and let it fester. You grieve, and then you move on.

Life hurts sometimes, and it's okay to feel it. Anyone who wants a fembot should contact Victoria Beckham or the Realdoll corporation.

(Edited for very human spelling.)

< Message edited by LaMistressa -- 10/3/2007 8:27:20 PM >

(in reply to GoddessAriana)

Post #: 3

RE: How Do You Cope with Dissapointment? - 10/3/2007 8:30:09 PM

TatrixdEville

Posts: 20
Joined: 10/2/2007
Status: offline

EXACTLY. Though I have been the butt of many who are outside looking in, I have had to cut a "sub" from My life.

Does it hurt? Hell yes.

We are HUMAN, first and foremost. I cope by crying, lashing out angrily toward inanimate objects, blogging, or by getting rid of the problem. It hurts like hell, but in the end, it needed to be done.

*hugs* It's gonna hurt. But there are people to talk to, yanno?

quote:

(Someone hurts me deliberately? I kick their ass or cut them out of my life.)

_____________________________

"Reality is merely an illusion...albeit a rather persistent one." - Einstein

Death before dishonor. Nothing before coffee.

(in reply to LaMistressa)

Post #: 4

RE: How Do You Cope with Dissapointment? - 10/3/2007 8:33:20 PM

GoddessAriana

Posts: 11
Joined: 11/19/2004
Status: offline

Thank you. Its good to know there are others out there that actually "feel", who aren't in it for the money, the glory (ha! yeah right), who are just real Women.

On a different note, I had a Posh Spice Doll back in the day and I have no desire to be like her ;)

(in reply to TatrixdEville)

Post #: 5

RE: How Do You Cope with Dissapointment? - 10/4/2007 12:24:13 AM

ProMissTheresa

Posts: 9
Joined: 9/26/2007
From: dayton, oh
Status: offline

I agree, don't let the responsibility and the need to maintain that strong facade cripple you in the long run. Every now and then, you need a good cathartic cry to release some of that angsty feeling energy. Allow yourself to be human, follow your instincts and you will be alright. I do something to make me happy when I am feeling like that, and it can be as simple as putting on a lovely item to wear, or taking a bubble bath... whatever little thing you would adore, do it!

;) Chin up, dear, in the end, it's not so bad really.
MissT

(in reply to GoddessAriana)

Post #: 6

RE: How Do You Cope with Dissapointment? - 10/4/2007 12:43:11 AM

MissMagnolia

Posts: 3636
Status: offline

Posh Spice? You insane little person!!!

Yes, we all feel, Dom/me, sub, slave, man and woman. I crack the mega shits with the entire universe, make everyones life hell, then look at it for what it was, realise it wasn't nearly as important as I thought and go for a manicure.

_____________________________

if at first you dont succeed..then skydiving isnt for you

Resident Whip Cracker AND Resident Orbs Of Joy.

(in reply to ProMissTheresa)

Post #: 7

RE: How Do You Cope with Dissapointment? - 10/4/2007 2:08:34 AM

canupleaseme

Posts: 775
Joined: 7/9/2006
Status: offline

I struggled with disapointment the1st time it happened becasue I felt it was undommely for me to show it to my boy. I was very wrong I have learnt to be honest and talk about it with him if i feel it and writing it all down also helped. Most of the time once I had talked it through I realised that either it wasnt so bad or basically I had expected too much and wasnt being realistic so I learnt from it too.
I was so disapointed when after 6 months of using a cb3000 it just didnt work out and I found it so hard to deal with I cried felt like shit felt like I had failed alsorts of silly crap, looking back it was so silly really and I have learnt a lot from that situation. I have found if I cant talk to my boy then talking to other doms and being able to vent my frustration etc has been really helpful too.

_____________________________

Proud mistress

(in reply to MissMagnolia)

Post #: 8

RE: How Do You Cope with Dissapointment? - 10/4/2007 2:13:55 AM

mnottertail

Posts: 60698
Joined: 11/3/2004
Status: offline

HEY!!!!

Yes you are allowed all these things---------get over it, you are dominant, not the end all to be all--------you'll get over it and so will he/she or whatever.

Come unto me all ye that are heavy laden and I will give you peace---------dominants? take a fuckin' hike...............move on, get over it quick Edith. C'est la Vie, Babee.............

Archie Bunker,
Ron(ne)

_____________________________

Have they not divided the prey; to every man a damsel or two? Judges 5:30

(in reply to GoddessAriana)

Post #: 9

RE: How Do You Cope with Dissapointment? - 10/4/2007 2:20:17 AM

MsLilac

Posts: 151
Joined: 5/31/2007
Status: offline

I am a feeling human being, emotional and fallible. Being dominant is just one facet of my personality, it does not automatically exclude me from imperfection, feeling emotion, crying or life.

I see where you are coming from. There does seem to be this stereotype that Dom/mes are ‘meant’ to be zen-like, infallible creatures complete with a phd is psychology, lol.

As for disappointment, I don’t react to well to the extreme variety. Depending on the context, I react with a lot of swearing, and possibly a mini tantrum or two, maybe a chocolate cake, then I’m over it.

No, I don’t think there are a differing set of standards of between ‘us’, and the ‘vanillas‘ in the sense of dealing with emotion. Making the distinction between the two perpetrates the limiting stereotype that we are these exceptional Goddess-like creatures. I am not a Goddess, nor do I desire to be one - I do not transcend humanity. I get hurt, I cry, I make mistakes, I eat chocolate cake lol. To quote L’oreal, I am multi-faceted!

Don’t fall into the trap of feeling that because you are dominant and/or kinky, that you cannot release emotion, or tears, or react the way you want to react. I very briefly fell into that mindset when was younger. I just don’t think it’s healthy to stifle emotion, or aspire to stifle it. I just learn from it.

I do hope that whatever has made you feel sad gets better soon, as for my advice, I've heard chocolate cake work wonders! ;-)

All the best.

< Message edited by MsLilac -- 10/4/2007 2:25:19 AM >

_____________________________

I’m sorry, I don’t do autographs

(in reply to GoddessAriana)

Post #: 10

RE: How Do You Cope with Dissapointment? - 10/4/2007 5:07:42 AM

thetammyjo

Posts: 6322
Joined: 9/8/2005
Status: offline

You know how you cope in private is no one's business. You cope as you need to with disappointments in life. The how will be different for each person. I have people I can talk to, violent video games to channel energy into, or baking to do for immediate gratification and success.

In public you should think about the same things anyone in any lifestyle or role does. If someone can't handle your tears in public simply because you are kinky or female or dominant, are they really worth your concern?

_____________________________

Love, Peace, Hugs, Kisses, Whips & Chains,

TammyJo

Check out my website at http://www.thetammyjo.com Or www.tammyjoeckhart.com

And my LJ where I post fiction in progress if you "friend" me at http://thetammyjo.livejournal.com/

(in reply to GoddessAriana)

Post #: 11

RE: How Do You Cope with Dissapointment? - 10/4/2007 7:28:19 AM

brightspot

Posts: 3052
Status: offline

So, I ask you, how do you all deal with things? Any advice on what I can do to not be so affected by things or by the hurt and agony of dissapointment?

Watch the world news. My problems tend to be small compared to what others in the world are dealing with. It helps me to become less self obsorbed and that overcoming my stuff is mangeable compared to the mountains some people are climbing.

Missy.

P.S. I think it totally mormal amd healthy for you to cry, get frustrated and express your emotions.

_____________________________

"Comedy is NOT Pretty!" ~Peter Nelson

But..."May at Least One person have a sense of Humor!" ~KML.

http://360.yahoo.com/my_profile-TD4TwEw8crWS3GHFDcs_DK1rHmW6Dq_E;_ylt=Av2PfG9gH0wkQrMPivuMCivGAOJ3

(in reply to GoddessAriana)

Post #: 12

RE: How Do You Cope with Dissapointment? - 10/4/2007 10:04:44 AM

ocilla

Posts: 1764
Joined: 6/12/2007
Status: offline

For my first play partner I made the mistake of not applying the same standards and requirements that I have for a typical vanilla fella...I was thinking, damn, I need experience and I know this first person is not going to be a keeper. I realize now in retrospect that I did not even make sure this fella met my base "friend" requirements. So yeah I found myself dissappointed in how insensitive he was to me esspecially in the end. It was a really good lesson and one I am kicking myself for...I know better.

But how am I going about handling it? Well, I complain here a little. I analyse the relationship for clues and clarity in order to not repeat said disappointment. I write letters that I don't send, I talk to my girlfriends, and I date or meet lots of new boys and try to remind myself of all the other fish in the sea. And I try hard not to get cagey when a new one starts to connect...this is the hard part as you know old baggage can really complicate new situations. Ultimately, the more I allow myself to process the discomfort, disappointment, fear and anger the better off I am moving into my next relationship with openess.

_____________________________

Ocilla

Nature is not a place to visit. It is home.
~ Gary Snyder

It takes a kinky village...

(in reply to brightspot)

Post #: 13

RE: How Do You Cope with Dissapointment? - 10/4/2007 12:35:30 PM

Lashra

Posts: 4900
Joined: 2/9/2006
Status: offline

I explained to my sub from the start that I was human before anything else. I told him I will make mistakes, I will get angry, I will be tired, I will proscratinate etc etc. And it all happens because I am human. It took him a while to understand this because he been taught to believe (He was a dominant in his prior relationships) that Dominants never show emotion or weakness of any kind less they loose the respect of their submissive. My reply was if my sub is going to damn me for being human then, he does not need to be my sub. I refuse to get an ulcer pretending to be something I am not and this struck a deep cord with him. Because for YEARS he had pretended to be something he was not and he was never happy, he was always miserable.

Disappointment I try to keep in perspective, everyone has them and you have to accept them for what they are and move on. If there is a lesson to learn, learn it so that you don't repeat the cycle again. I do tend to be hard on myself when I make a mistake so that in itself is enough to make me be careful.

All in all it boils down to this, everyone is human and we all make mistakes. No one is perfect and the ones who think they are, are only deluding themselves.

~Lashra

_____________________________

“We can never judge the lives of others, because each person knows only their own pain and renunciation. It's one thing to feel that you are on the right path, but it's another to think that yours is the only path.”

(in reply to ocilla)

Post #: 14

RE: How Do You Cope with Dissapointment? - 10/4/2007 12:54:45 PM

ShiftedJewel

Posts: 2492
Joined: 12/2/2004
Status: offline

I have an 80 pound heavy bag hanging in my computer room... sparring gloves in the drawer... that helps a LOT.

Jewel

_____________________________

Don't ask, trust me, you won't like the answer... no one ever does.

(in reply to Lashra)

Post #: 15

RE: How Do You Cope with Dissapointment? - 10/4/2007 2:26:47 PM

SweetDommes

Posts: 3313
Joined: 10/5/2004
Status: offline

I need a dark, quiet place. My closet happens to be the perfect size for me to put a blanket down for padding, and lay down in there with my cat. I cry, I get sad ... I'm on an anti-depressant now, so hopefully the days of being suicidal are over ... I play with the other critters, I go for walks, I talk to my mom/my friends/my partners, and I start looking again. Sometimes it requires a bit of a break before I'm ready to start looking again. At this point, if something happens and the boy we are talking to right now doesn't work out, I'll probably have to take a break (and spend a lot of time curled up with my cat in the closet). Whatever methods work for you in dealing with any other stressor - that's what you need to do ... and to hell with those who think that Dominants are supposed to be emotionless robots - it's not healthy, it's not realistic, it's flat out insane to expect someone to never show any negative emotion.

_____________________________

Miss Karen and Miss Holly

Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.

Friends are God's apology for relatives

(in reply to ShiftedJewel)

Post #: 16

RE: How Do You Cope with Dissapointment? - 10/4/2007 2:30:48 PM

pixelslave

Posts: 1444
Joined: 8/19/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: GoddessAriana

How do you cope with dissapointment? Do you feel that as Dominant Women we are held to a different set of standards than vanilla or submissive Women? Aren't we allowed to cry or be hurt or to be angry? Its almost like we are suppose to be robots or something.

Who made the set of rules that you seem to feel the need to follow? I personally wouldn't want to be with a Mistress who closed her emotions off to me as you describe. Your relationship with your sub is what YOU decide to make it. You're not governed by anyone else's standards other than your own.

I suggest you let yourself be a real person and woman to your sub. Let them experience and appreciate you for all that you are. Perhaps then, you'll have the support and the kind of relationship with them you'd like without the expectations and pressures to fulfill someone's fantasy or be their projected ideal that dominant women often complain of when when approached by a new potential; especially one who turns out to be a stereotypical wanker that inappropriately decides to share his unfulfilled fantasies on first contact.

- pixel

Collared to Majik

_____________________________

Chivalry isn't dead! It's for those who have it in their hearts & are willing to be taught. It's a way of life, a code of honor; this one's armor still needs some polishing!

(in reply to GoddessAriana)

Post #: 17

RE: How Do You Cope with Dissapointment? - 10/4/2007 2:44:37 PM

iammachine

Posts: 1549
Joined: 1/25/2006
Status: offline

quote:

Its almost like we are suppose to be robots or something.

Hey, I resemble that remark!

Anyway, disappointment is an unfortunate fact of life, and life happens. You're human, and have every right to your feelings. Acknowledge that what you feel sucks, learn from it, and move on. That's my modus operandi, at least.

_____________________________

I still hear you scream... in every breath, every single motion

(in reply to GoddessAriana)

Post #: 18

RE: How Do You Cope with Dissapointment? - 10/6/2007 1:28:56 AM

GoddessAriana

Posts: 11
Joined: 11/19/2004
Status: offline

Well spank my ass and call me susie...wait Im a Domme....spank My ass and call Me Goddess....lol

Seriously though...Thank you to everyone that gave me their advice. Its easy to get caught up in the D/s world and forget that there really is more to life than being a Domme, ya know?

Its good to know Im not the only "real" Woman out there, to hear the subs talk, we are all a bunch of fakes and whatnot. I always thought it was them that were the fakers and the wankers.

Love to All the Sisters

(in reply to iammachine)

Post #: 19

RE: How Do You Cope with Dissapointment? - 10/6/2007 1:33:04 AM

laurell3

Posts: 6577
Joined: 5/5/2005
Status: offline

hmmm not sure either as a class are "fakers and wankers".....
l

(in reply to GoddessAriana)

Post #: 20

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