quote:

When i originally made this post......
1. i had been chatting with different folk and began to ask myself some questions.
2. i had been in the process of reading dozens of profiles
3. i had been in the process of looking up the profiles of posters on the message boards
4. i was trying to peice together what peeps really wanted according to their profiles
5. i was discouraged with so many disengenuine (did i just make up a word?) folk....i really dont like to call people "real" or "true" or "wannabe"
6. i was questioning so many things...... some questions related to me, some friends...some just questions about "stuff"....

i had no idea of what words to use when i made the post. I just wanted to know in general how people went about finding their lifestyle partner....if they spent weeks, months...chatting (IM, phone, email) or whether they jumped right into some sort of play before going deeper in the relationship to know if they were compatible with play as well as persoanlity and other forms of compatability.

Whether falling in love was paramount or was style of play just as important to people in BDSM.
I dont usually read men's profiles, i have one, but i do read women's profiles.

There seemed to be women looking for the extremes....
from one time play sessions either sexul or nonsexual...dungeons or private
to
long term, 24/7 romantic type soulmate bonds without "playing" until they "fell in love."
That is a vast extreme of polarity.

LnM....the two quotes you just used in the reply i initially made ..... were actual quotes from OTHERS, in private chat or email, who are also on this website. i did need to say who made them....for any number of men and women could have made them.

Yes they may be useless generalizations to you...but they WERE sometimes truth when they were stated.

i cannot....i refuse to think of doms as not men or dommes as women.
Dom and Domme are labels, not human flesh and blood that breath and have emotions, that care and dont care..... human beings, not labels.

*sigh

~~shy

quote:

ORIGINAL: pinkpleasures

[

shy..darling..if you were reading women's profiles, why did you start a thread asserting some allegation about MEN? If there's something women don't understand..it's MEN. As you pointed out..women state in their profiles that they want a wide array of "things" from Men -- some want a quickie, some want a life partner. Some seem to care how genuine a Man's claim to be a Dom or Master is; others do not. Given this pea soup, what could we possibly infer about Men/Doms/Masters by reading the profiles of women?

pinkpleasures

quote:

ORIGINAL: Lordandmaster

You know, I was trying to point out why no one has responded to your thread in a very useful way: because everyone took the unwarranted leap from "dom" to "male." I was saying this for the benefit of YOUR thread. If you'd rather just be clever, that's your right, but I really don't comprehend why you would start a thread asking a specific question and then pretend over and over not to understand someone's reply.

The way you reacted when I said that the generalizations you quoted were useless is pretty telling, too. You took it as an attack on YOU. Very irrational and defensive.

quote:

ORIGINAL: Dragonzbane

I heard it said once that "Women give sex for love and men give love for sex". I know this is not always the case. But can't the same be said of Doms and subs ?

quote:

ORIGINAL: Lordandmaster

You know, I was trying to point out why no one has responded to your thread in a very useful way: because everyone took the unwarranted leap from "dom" to "male." I was saying this for the benefit of YOUR thread. If you'd rather just be clever, that's your right, but I really don't comprehend why you would start a thread asking a specific question and then pretend over and over not to understand someone's reply.

The way you reacted when I said that the generalizations you quoted were useless is pretty telling, too. You took it as an attack on YOU. Very irrational and defensive.

quote:

No girl of 16 is unfamiliar with heartbreak

quote:

ORIGINAL: slavedesires

In regards to D/s, M/s relationships, not so much top/bottom relationships ~~

Men dont particularly romanticize the lifestyle, yet woman seem to want romance and the getting to know you as in nilla before "playing" and leave the exploration of understanding the style of a Dom, to later after they "fall in love."
(Sorry i dont mean to leave out Dommes/male subs, but i am femsub, so am asking from this side of the coin.)
All we need do is browse profiles on CM to see this.
Friendship, trust and respect comes with time and then......
But many women carry the notion, right or wrong doesnt matter: The truth is that men just want to fuck you. That's all they are interested in. If they couldn't fuck us, they wouldn't have us.

Someone told me recently: DOMS DONT DO RELATIONSHIPS FIRST..THAT IS WHY WE ARE DOMS...WE WANNA PLAY.....lol
and if we find the right play partner we will have a relationship

So my question, i guess is, what comes first...the relationship or the play (yes after some trust and respect is established) because is it not basic (foundational) to this lifestyle to find out if the play part is even compatible with the relationship??

Have posted this in the "Ask a Master" section cause that is a pretty point blank statement about Doms. Hope i made perfect cents...oops...sense.

~~shy

quote:

ORIGINAL: slavedesires

But many women carry the notion, right or wrong doesnt matter: The truth is that men just want to fuck you. That's all they are interested in. If they couldn't fuck us, they wouldn't have us.

OK ... shy and I are friends, so I'm sticking up for my friend.

Please note that she said "many women carry the notion", not "I carry the notion." Don't crack on her for saying that ... if you must crack on someone, crack on me instead, because I'm the one that said it to her in the first place. ha-ha!

Perhaps a bit jaded, but that's really the whole point. I think most of the time both sides of the relationship mutually fuck it up, before it ever gets started ... usually knowing they are doing it but not being able to get past the pain that makes it inevitable.

This really isn't all that different from all the posts you read about how many fakers there are on the internet, when it comes to relationships, honesty, abuse, whatever ... and express by implication that its best to look on these things with a wary eye.

In both these instances, the experiences of the past are clouding any chance at the future. Why should relationships be any different ... and why don't people see that?

Well the second part of that question is easy enough to answer. Just look at some of the people responding in the (somewhat) negative to shy's post here ... that carry the exact opposite view when you look at the various "faker" posts. It becomes obvious that the problem is so complicated that people just can't figure it out. I know I can't.

In closing, don't be too shocked that many women want the exact same thing ... they just get there a little differently.

caitlyn

quote:

ORIGINAL: Lordandmaster

Now I no longer have any idea what this thread is about.

Sounds to me like it's about a whole lot of silly generalizations, and people getting upset and "sticking up for their friends" when those generalizations are exposed for what they are.

I don't think anyone was upset. I'm certainly not.

"Many women" would not be a generalization. "All women, would be a generalization: "Most women" would be a generalization. "Many women", might mean two-hundred, out of billions. Nobody has exposed a generalization, just assigned one where one didn't exist.

As far as sticking up for a friend ... guilty as charged!

quote:

ORIGINAL: caitlyn

Nobody has exposed a generalization, just assigned one where one didn't exist.

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But can we as men be true to our self, and true to others? There is where the answer lies.

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Ouch... do I detect a note of bitterness?

quote:

ORIGINAL: slavedesires

Men dont particularly romanticize the lifestyle, yet woman seem to want romance and the getting to know you as in nilla before "playing" and leave the exploration of understanding the style of a Dom, to later after they "fall in love."


That's not true of all men or all doms. And not all women want romance either. Speaking for myself I won't play with someone I don't know. I prefer to begin with a friendship. And oddly enough, many of the submissive women I encounter either think that is weakness or assume that friendship means I'm not interested in anything else.

quote:

All we need do is browse profiles on CM to see this.


While you are browsing, take a look at all the profiles of women who just want to play. The sexual displays, the nudity, the long lists of their kinks and fetishes; yet the near or complete absence of any other interests outside of the lifestyle. I'm not saying there aren't a lot of male HNG on here, but there are quite a few women that fall into the category as well. When I look at profiles I look for three things initially... physical attraction (lets not kid ourselves here, I'm not going to persue someone I'm not attracted too, who would?), sincerity, and enough in their profile to give me some idea of who they are outside the lifestyle. I hardly look at their fetish interests, other than to note if there is anything that absolutely turns me off. Want to take a guess how few of the profiles I've seen actually fit into that? If you guessed "not many" give yourself a cookie.

quote:

Friendship, trust and respect comes with time and then......
But many women carry the notion, right or wrong doesnt matter: The truth is that men just want to fuck you. That's all they are interested in. If they couldn't fuck us, they wouldn't have us.


More's the pity because its just one more wall a man who really is interested in them has to batter down. Sometimes you women put yourselves so high up in ivory towers we just can't reach you no matter how sincere we are. And there are also a lot of women in this lifestyle who don't seem to know what to do with a man who does actually care about them, shows real affection, etc. I see more profiles of women wanting to be treated like objects by sadists who will simply use them than I do women who both want love and know how to accept it. BTW, before someone says it, I'm not saying being a sadist and loving is mutually exclusive, it isn't. But, looking at many of the profiles you get the impression that there are a number of women out there who have this fantasy image of this cruel, uncaring, sadistic dom who doesn't show affection and will simply use them. Not my cup of tea, but to each their own I guess. Personally, I don't consider myself a sadist but I have my moments when I absolutely am gleefully sadistic... I also happen to be caring, affectionate, and loving. These things are not mutually exclusive.

quote:

Someone told me recently: DOMS DONT DO RELATIONSHIPS FIRST..THAT IS WHY WE ARE DOMS...WE WANNA PLAY.....lol
and if we find the right play partner we will have a relationship


I'd say most of us want to play... its just a question of how many of us would also like to have a relationship, either now or at some point.

quote:

So my question, i guess is, what comes first...the relationship or the play (yes after some trust and respect is established) because is it not basic (foundational) to this lifestyle to find out if the play part is even compatible with the relationship??


I think it really depends on the individuals and what their priorities are. Some are here just to play, of both genders. Some here are just wanna-be's who think this is an easy way to get laid, of both genders (though I'll grant that group is probably mostly men), some are just thrill seekers looking for some excitement (and this in my experience is mostly women). But there are also those of us who would very much like a solid relationship, and again of both genders.

Speaking for myself, I didn't write a near novel in my profile about who I am, why I am here, and what I seek, if all I wanted was just to get laid or play. If that's all I wanted there are easier and more direct ways than this web site.

_____________________________

Padriag

A stern discipline pervades all nature, which is a little cruel so that it may be very kind - Edmund Spencer

http://www.bardicheart.com

quote:

ORIGINAL: sirrand

Obedience is Bless to the one who serves.