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Abuse Abuse Abuse - 7/27/2005 8:57:55 AM

Faramir

Posts: 1043
Joined: 2/12/2005
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I find the sheer number of threads and posts about abuse, about how so many Doms are abusive but "masking" that abuse, about the dangers newbies face over abuse, about how everyone here was abused and it took years to get over the abuse but I found trust thank God, kind of weird.

I can't point at any one point, thread, post, story and object. No doubt there are those who abuse trust and authroity - no doubt there is such a thing as domestic violence in the full, dreadful and wicked sense of the word.

The sheer volume of posts and threads just seems weird to me. As if there were abusers behind every tree, rock and bush - it seems to be an unhappy thing in the world, one among many, but rather a special, emotional bugaboo.

An obession over abuse if you will.

Post #: 1

RE: Abuse Abuse Abuse - 7/27/2005 9:02:40 AM

RiotGirl

Posts: 3149
Status: offline

then why write another one about it?

(in reply to Faramir)

Post #: 2

RE: Abuse Abuse Abuse - 7/27/2005 9:07:25 AM

mnottertail

Posts: 60698
Joined: 11/3/2004
Status: offline

Now why you wanna abuse him like that, love?

He He,
Ron

_____________________________

Have they not divided the prey; to every man a damsel or two? Judges 5:30

(in reply to RiotGirl)

Post #: 3

RE: Abuse Abuse Abuse - 7/27/2005 9:13:00 AM

Alexander

Posts: 159
Joined: 12/10/2004
Status: offline

when somethings worrisome you want to talk bout it. You want to get advise and see if your the only one with worries. When things are going well you rarely think, gee I'll pop over to the Collar me boards and start a thread about how nice everything is.

(in reply to Faramir)

Post #: 4

RE: Abuse Abuse Abuse - 7/27/2005 9:30:47 AM

caitlyn

Posts: 3473
Joined: 12/22/2004
Status: offline

Lets see ... to respond to this, or just move on.

Tough question ...

_____________________________

I wish I could buy back ...
the woman you stole.

(in reply to Alexander)

Post #: 5

RE: Abuse Abuse Abuse - 7/27/2005 9:41:55 AM

EmeraldSlave2

Posts: 3645
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline

The first six months I was in a bdsm chat room regularly I was shocked that, in an informal survey, 20 out of the 26 people in the room expressed having been abused in their lives at some point.

Now, a chat room is hardly anything to make conclusions from, but the sheer number shocked me.

I've often pondered whether people seek this sub-culture as a way to try and deal with their issues, or whether people are simply more open about their abuse because of the nature of this sub-culture.

So far my experience is that it's some of both.

I agree though, it contributes to the pervasive idea that dominants are wild frenzied monsters just barely kept in check with safe calls, safe words, limits and wily submissives, with a rare few "knights in shining armor" who help protect the poor fresh meat.

(in reply to Faramir)

Post #: 6

RE: Abuse Abuse Abuse - 7/27/2005 9:51:58 AM

fastlane

Posts: 2159
Joined: 5/26/2005
Status: offline

I abuse alcohol, but that doesn't make me a bad man...does it?

_____________________________

Just because it hurts, doesn't necessarily make it a bad thing.

(in reply to EmeraldSlave2)

Post #: 7

RE: Abuse Abuse Abuse - 7/27/2005 10:31:57 AM

mistoferin

Posts: 8284
Joined: 10/27/2004
Status: offline

quote:

I've often pondered whether people seek this sub-culture as a way to try and deal with their issues, or whether people are simply more open about their abuse because of the nature of this sub-culture.

I see it a little differently (surprise! surprise! huh...lol)

Actually I do see both of the components that you described but I also see a couple more.

The first that I have noticed is that many times a woman who is submissive in nature seems more likely to have experienced an abusive situation at some point. I think this is in part due to the fact that before they understand their submission, regardless of their chronological age, it is possible that relationships of this nature feed a certain part of their need. They are drawn to dominance and sometimes arrogance and controlling or abusive behavior may be mistaken for that dominance they crave.

The second aspect that I think it may be more prevalent here is because this is actually wonderful feeding ground for men who are abusive and are looking for someone who is easily controlled. I think that within a close community they are filtered out rather quickly but the internet provides them with a broader, less scrutinized playing field.

If you pair these two types up the results are often disastrous.

As for those who are here to resolve their own issues, it is in my opinion that they are in the wrong place to do so. I firmly believe that one needs to make themselves emotionally healthy before entering into a relationship...whether it be kink or vanilla.

Is this lifestyle conducive to more open communication regarding such past issues? Yes, in many ways I think that it is and may well be the reason people are more readily willing to discuss these types of things. Here we talk about things that would normally be somewhat taboo or embarassing and often people here are talking about what is happening to them at the hands of another, so it seems reasonable to think that the topic of abuse at the hands of another would be as accepted as the topic of pleasure.

_____________________________

Peace and light,
~erin~

There are no victims here...only volunteers.

When you make a habit of playing on the tracks, you thereby forfeit the right to bitch when you get hit by a train.

"I did it! I admit it and I'm gonna do it again!"

(in reply to EmeraldSlave2)

Post #: 8

RE: Abuse Abuse Abuse - 7/27/2005 10:39:32 AM

Faramir

Posts: 1043
Joined: 2/12/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: EmeraldSlave2
I agree though, it contributes to the pervasive idea that dominants are wild frenzied monsters just barely kept in check with safe calls, safe words, limits and wily submissives, with a rare few "knights in shining armor" who help protect the poor fresh meat.

I feel like that is a pretty common model, and it's my belief that there are plenty of people who like to encourage that model so they can portray themselves as one of said knights.

(in reply to EmeraldSlave2)

Post #: 9

RE: Abuse Abuse Abuse - 7/27/2005 10:58:13 AM

pinkpleasures

Posts: 1114
Status: offline

Faramir..You do not receive the mail the women do..You are not beset by trolls. There is an apparent belief amongst abusers that BDSM sites are preferential "hunting grounds"; and the 'net gives every abuser with a library card the access he wants. Tis no different than the pedophiliacs who troll for child victims...once, they had to actually access a child in real life before culling them from the herd. Now, the 'net makes that first step unnecessary.

If You wish, You could post about the qualitities of a great Dom, to shine as a beacon to girls. i think that would really help, and provide the balance that You seem to think is missing.

pinkpleasures

< Message edited by pinkpleasures -- 7/27/2005 10:59:35 AM >

_____________________________

(in reply to Faramir)

Post #: 10

RE: Abuse Abuse Abuse - 7/27/2005 11:12:44 AM

MemphisDsCouple

Posts: 146
Joined: 11/1/2004
From: Memphis, TN, USA
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Faramir

The sheer volume of posts and threads just seems weird to me. As if there were abusers behind every tree, rock and bush - it seems to be an unhappy thing in the world, one among many, but rather a special, emotional bugaboo.

An obession over abuse if you will.

Exactly. And believe me when I say it isn't just here on cm.

Like the "bogey man" of lore, since it is over-blown (doesn't exist to the extent it is presented) and is based in its largest parts on interpretation, perspective and rumor - the ever popular A-word can rarely be disproved. Proponents of Abuse Alarmism try to prove the fact of existence by the fact of difficulty in the disproving. Of course, to the reasoning among us this is like the arguments about evolution, whether the world is flat or round, and so on.

I decided long ago there is no point in discussing the matter with those who are emotionally committed to the theory of Rampant Abuse. They seem to get an emotional charge/fulfillment out of their commitment and their rants. I am confident you will find them quite committed to their alarmism.... Shrug.... Whatever threads their needle.

On the plus side, I have noticed there is far less Abuse Alarmism Fanaticism in real (face-to-face, off-line) people/groups/discussions. Personally, I think there is significance to be found in that observation.

Hope this helps you understand this social phenomenon.

_____________________________

B. (the male half of MemphisDsCouple)

(in reply to Faramir)

Post #: 11

RE: Abuse Abuse Abuse - 7/27/2005 11:37:34 AM

pinkpleasures

Posts: 1114
Status: offline

quote:

I decided long ago there is no point in discussing the matter with those who are emotionally committed to the theory of Rampant Abuse. They seem to get an emotional charge/fulfillment out of their commitment and their rants. I am confident you will find them quite committed to their alarmism.... Shrug.... Whatever threads their needle.

MemphisDSCouple

Sir...i assure You..tis difficult to discuss..to put oneself out there as someone who cares about a dark side of the 'net "community" to which we belong..and is NOT done for glory...but for prevention and safekeeping..if only one woman is made safe..tis worth all the backlash.

Frankly i do not understand why a good Dom or Master objects, since i have been told/taught that protecting women is a feature of a real Dom or Master.

As i have said to Faramir..twould help if You would post a description of a good Dom or Master for women to use as a guide..because it is not only what is going wrong...but what is going right.

pinkpleasures

_____________________________

(in reply to MemphisDsCouple)

Post #: 12

RE: Abuse Abuse Abuse - 7/27/2005 11:49:31 AM

mistoferin

Posts: 8284
Joined: 10/27/2004
Status: offline

quote:

On the plus side, I have noticed there is far less Abuse Alarmism Fanaticism in real (face-to-face, off-line) people/groups/discussions. Personally, I think there is significance to be found in that observation.

Hmmmm....could it be possible that it may be attributed to the anonymous nature of the internet? Maybe, just maybe people feel more free to share here than they would in face-to face, off line people/groups/discussions because of that anonymous component. Oh heck...why am I trying to bother....you can figure this out on your own seeing as you are so much more "reasoning" than some of us.

_____________________________

Peace and light,
~erin~

There are no victims here...only volunteers.

When you make a habit of playing on the tracks, you thereby forfeit the right to bitch when you get hit by a train.

"I did it! I admit it and I'm gonna do it again!"

(in reply to MemphisDsCouple)

Post #: 13

RE: Abuse Abuse Abuse - 7/27/2005 11:53:15 AM

mnottertail

Posts: 60698
Joined: 11/3/2004
Status: offline

I decided long ago..........never to walk in anyone's shadow.........
just what popped in my head

_____________________________

Have they not divided the prey; to every man a damsel or two? Judges 5:30

(in reply to mistoferin)

Post #: 14

RE: Abuse Abuse Abuse - 7/27/2005 11:54:56 AM

EmeraldSlave2

Posts: 3645
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: pinkpleasures
Frankly i do not understand why a good Dom or Master objects, since i have been told/taught that protecting women is a feature of a real Dom or Master.

Again that is an overgeneralization. First off, not everyone fits into the heterosexual monogamous situation as you describe here. Secondly, some dominants do not feel it is their job to protect their sub and in some cases they make it the job of the submissive to protect the dominant.

(in reply to pinkpleasures)

Post #: 15

RE: Abuse Abuse Abuse - 7/27/2005 11:55:48 AM

EmeraldSlave2

Posts: 3645
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline

A possibly helpful link
Overuse of Abuse

(in reply to Faramir)

Post #: 16

RE: Abuse Abuse Abuse - 7/27/2005 12:05:18 PM

brightspot

Posts: 3052
Status: offline

As for those who are here to resolve their own issues, it is in my opinion that they are in the wrong place to do so. I firmly believe that one needs to make themselves emotionally healthy before entering into a relationship...whether it be kink or vanilla. [/quote]

I wonder if it is possible to really "resolve" one's issues.
I think one can educate themselves and learn and grow to where
their "issues" are in check and not interferring and/or upsetting the apple cart so to speak. I also think it best in this lifestyle one work to maintain emotional health.

To the Topic in point....I think there are just always going to be hunters in wolves clothing
preying on the vulnerable. It is wise to educate yourself about WIITWD and the Dangers with meeting and interacting with others. That includes the fact that a lot of people are also just in this for the money and people should be aware of that too.

I don't think that all Men are yearning to find a woman they can totally control and beat whenever they please. I think there are a lot of men out there with intregrity, understand power dynamics in a healthy way and really respect the women they are with.
As is their are women who are not just in it for the money, but love the lifestyle also and have their Lovers/Partners but make some money on the side periodically.

With the internet I think you just need to be overwhelmingly careful.

*Brightspot

_____________________________

"Comedy is NOT Pretty!" ~Peter Nelson

But..."May at Least One person have a sense of Humor!" ~KML.

http://360.yahoo.com/my_profile-TD4TwEw8crWS3GHFDcs_DK1rHmW6Dq_E;_ylt=Av2PfG9gH0wkQrMPivuMCivGAOJ3

(in reply to mistoferin)

Post #: 17

RE: Abuse Abuse Abuse - 7/27/2005 12:07:46 PM

stormsfate

Posts: 849
Joined: 2/1/2005
Status: offline

I am not touching this topic with a ten foot pole!

f

(in reply to Faramir)

Post #: 18

RE: Abuse Abuse Abuse - 7/27/2005 12:09:27 PM

Faramir

Posts: 1043
Joined: 2/12/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: MemphisDsCouple
Like the "bogey man" of lore, since it is over-blown (doesn't exist to the extent it is presented) and is based in its largest parts on interpretation, perspective and rumor - the ever popular A-word can rarely be disproved. Proponents of Abuse Alarmism try to prove the fact of existence by the fact of difficulty in the disproving.

CS Lewis complained once of the attempt to prove by absence:

quote:

They will say, "No smoke? Aha!! That's just what I would expect if you were trying to hide a fire..."

(in reply to MemphisDsCouple)

Post #: 19

RE: Abuse Abuse Abuse - 7/27/2005 12:09:29 PM

caitlyn

Posts: 3473
Joined: 12/22/2004
Status: offline

Of course, the "reasoning" among us might consider that you hear less about this problem when face-to-face, because it is a difficult topic that tends to strip away what little pride an abused person has left.

The "reasoning" among us might conclude that the insular nature of the internet allows people to discuss difficult topics, without placing themselves in the spotlight.

The "reasoning" among us might also consider that it is completely within their power to just not read these posts, and back away from the need to respond in a manner that attempts to elevate themselves at the expense of others.

Or, they might just post half-nude pictures of their submissive on the internet, to troll for women.

caitlyn

P.S. That was my very first (and probably last) flame ... how do you think I did?

_____________________________

I wish I could buy back ...
the woman you stole.

(in reply to pinkpleasures)

Post #: 20

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