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Confused and not allowed to contact Sir... - 10/10/2007 7:32:51 AM   
submissfifi


Posts: 51
Joined: 9/30/2007
Status: offline 		Hi Master's and Sir's,

I was just wondering if you could help me to understand something from a dominants perspective. I'm a submissive who is easily frustrated when the things I do for Sir are ignored and not given any recognition, I'm not talking, small things either, like the fact I spent a whole afternoon filling out a BDSM checklist to help Sir understand me, my likes and dislikes, this was not asked of me, but I thought it would be a good thing to do. Likewise I'm sometimes ignored for no reason, and it just winds me up. I may be in a sub/dom relationship but I feel strongly that there should be mutal respect towards each other and that manners are just as important, if not more so, in this kind of relationship. I've always been respectful towards Sir, and polite, but granted sometimes I have been sarcastic and rude. This is part of my nature tho, as I can be quite fiesty, Sir is aware of this.

So in this state, when I get frustrated, hurt, and angry I can be quite horrible to Sir, other times its because I know how deeply I feel for Sir, but I just don't get the same vibe back. So as in Sirs words this has been an on going thing, I'm not allowed to contact Sir for 2 weeks. Part of me understands and accepts this, but a part of me is hurt and angry. It feels that sometimes Sir instead of dealing with the problems that I/we have, is finding it easier to ignore them. If I was to contact Sir in anyway over these two weeks then all contact would drop, and it would be the end of our relationship.

These two weeks I've been really confused as to what to do, and how I feel. I'm slowly feeling very alone, and very one sided in this relationship. I personally think that Sir isn't interested at all, and wants it to end. Sir said that I was to contact him if I wish for it to continue. But I feel like I've been dropped. And from talking with other like minded kinky friends, they think he had an alteria motive and that this was an easy way to ditch me.

I feel very deeply for Sir, more than I have in a very long time. (Sir is not aware of this) I find it very hard to say how I feel, and to put myself out there to be rejected again. So sometimes I find I'm putting up my barriers and not letting anyone in, and I so badly want it to be different.  

As I cannot contact Sir, for a few more days I was wondering what other Masters/Sirs think of this situation and if there is any advice or words of wisdom? I'd be very grateful.

Fi x

< Message edited by submissfifi -- 10/10/2007 7:35:18 AM >
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RE: Confused and not allowed to contact Sir... - 10/10/2007 7:37:29 AM   
breatheasone


Posts: 4004
Joined: 7/14/2007
Status: offline 		This would be a deal breaker for me period. You should trust your gut and move on.....I personally would not contact him AT ALL...let him FIGURE IT OUT!

_____________________________

Romans 10:13,For whosoever shall call upon the name of the Lord shall be saved.
Mike posts in black font
candy posts in pink font

(in reply to submissfifi)
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RE: Confused and not allowed to contact Sir... - 10/10/2007 7:37:51 AM   
laurell3


Posts: 6577
Joined: 5/5/2005
Status: offline 		Well I'm guessing the responses are the same as they were for your two prior posts, where you asked essentially the same questions but took blame (kind of) for behaviors and stated it was PMT/PMS.  Now it's him?

http://www.collarchat.com/m_1315048/mpage_1/key_/tm.htm#1315132

http://www.collarchat.com/m_1315095/mpage_1/key_/tm.htm#1315095

What checklist did you fill out that took all day by the way?
l

(in reply to submissfifi)
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RE: Confused and not allowed to contact Sir... - 10/10/2007 7:44:24 AM   
submissfifi


Posts: 51
Joined: 9/30/2007
Status: offline 		Hi breatheasone,

Thank you for replying. I had consider this as an option. See if he really is that interested in me? I think, deep down I know the answer and as much as it hurts, he is not that bothered.

I just feel that all these punishments and being ignored is making it worse not better. I want to open upto him, but 
everytime I get to that stage, this happens, which just makes my barriers come up.

I know it is hard to express an opinion on someone you do not know, or make a judgement. But do you think he is a player? have I been played?

Fi x

(in reply to breatheasone)
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RE: Confused and not allowed to contact Sir... - 10/10/2007 7:48:48 AM   
IamJustMe2C


Posts: 94
Joined: 10/2/2007
Status: offline 		Because laurell3 took the time to look at your other posts i only have one thing to add. you admitted that you were bratty and got in his face. This could also be a way of a cool down period for him to think thing over or his way of teaching you respect or patience. I could be wrong Im not him

_____________________________

Submission is a gift unlike any other. The one who can sculpt that gift in a graceful manner is a Master.

(in reply to laurell3)
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RE: Confused and not allowed to contact Sir... - 10/10/2007 7:50:16 AM   
submissfifi


Posts: 51
Joined: 9/30/2007
Status: offline 		Hi laurell3,

Yes in answer to your question, part of it was related to bad PMT/PMS, which is in some part my fault for letting it get that bad. But alot of it is due to the fact that I'm struggling to understand this punishment, and just whether Sir even likes me. As I cannot talk to him, then I have posted here to get views on this.

It just feels when any kind of problem/issue happens in this relationship, his first reaction is to punish me and ignore me. If I'm to trust Sir, and be open with him,  then how do I do it?

The checklist took me an afternoon, as I had to adjust the layout to fit a spreadsheet, and I added detail to things I liked/disliked to give more information to Sir. Is it wrong to do things that are not asked of me?

Fi x

(in reply to laurell3)
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RE: Confused and not allowed to contact Sir... - 10/10/2007 7:51:58 AM   
gentlestarZR


Posts: 49
Joined: 10/7/2007
Status: offline 		i'd have to say i get very frustrated .. but he pretty much slows my thinking down and just says my name till i start listening and then he just talks and sooths me .. when i'm calmed down we talk about what was bothering me and we fix it .. ignoring is a way Dom's punish i know but i hate that .. a sub shouldnt feel alone in a relationship ..we're very open and sometimes fragil and ignoring can do  alot of damage .. i just think you need to step back and see how you feel because even in bdsm relationships its not ok to emotionally mess up a girl. he shouldnt want time away but correct the behavior then .. how can you build a relationship if you cant contact him or talk .. just my thinking.

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RE: Confused and not allowed to contact Sir... - 10/10/2007 7:55:45 AM   
breatheasone


Posts: 4004
Joined: 7/14/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: submissfifi

Hi breatheasone,

Thank you for replying. I had consider this as an option. See if he really is that interested in me? I think, deep down I know the answer and as much as it hurts, he is not that bothered.

I just feel that all these punishments and being ignored is making it worse not better. I want to open upto him, but 
everytime I get to that stage, this happens, which just makes my barriers come up.

I know it is hard to express an opinion on someone you do not know, or make a judgement. But do you think he is a player? have I been played?

Fi x


I just don't know if you are or have been played...I do know that, that kind of punishment would end a relationship for me personally...and based on your other posts ...I would take a step back...get your OWN shit together before trying again....If you are really having "brat" issues you may want to address that BEFORE you get into another relationship, and subject another person to that kind of behavior. Its not fair to either of you to get into a relationship, if you are going to continue to be a stumbling block for the relationship. Just my opinions...take it or leave it....


_____________________________

Romans 10:13,For whosoever shall call upon the name of the Lord shall be saved.
Mike posts in black font
candy posts in pink font

(in reply to submissfifi)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: Confused and not allowed to contact Sir... - 10/10/2007 7:57:53 AM   
laurell3


Posts: 6577
Joined: 5/5/2005
Status: offline 		I still don't know exactly what you did, but I have to tell you that two weeks without contact wouldn't be something I would put up with as a sub or cause as a Domme.  To me, it's detrimental to the relationship to go that long without contact.

It does seem you are changing your story a bit though now, which is confusing.  But I think given your post, you have your answer, you don't need us to tell you that you aren't happy.
l

(in reply to submissfifi)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: Confused and not allowed to contact Sir... - 10/10/2007 8:00:41 AM   
LadyLynx


Posts: 1098
Joined: 7/24/2007
Status: offline 		Out of curiousity, did you do this checklist instead of doing something that you were supposed to be doing?Maybe he just doesn't like checklists.  What exactly is the nature of your relationship, sub or slave?

I don't feel like I have all the info so I am going to suggest the cautious route: Use the rest of your time not being able to contact your Sir, and reflect on your actions.  The thing is everyone is different. Gods only knows what is in your Sir's mind on this situation and you.  When the punishment is over, offer to make it up to him.  Don't make excuses for your behavior, (unless he asks you to explain.)

_____________________________

Our community maybe openminded as a whole, but it is still made up of individuals who bring in their own opinions,baggage and agendas!

Known as SwitchWitch in my local community,and on IRC Bondage.

I also go by the nic SwitchWitch on MDS.

(in reply to submissfifi)
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RE: Confused and not allowed to contact Sir... - 10/10/2007 8:09:12 AM   
crouchingtigress


Posts: 4387
Joined: 3/19/2006
From: Maui
Status: offline 		with all due respect might i ask on why you are choosing this suffering?

why are you so in your head about this?

he has told you who he is and what he expects, you now know what life with him is going to be like, you have only one choice, like it or leave it.

i am not saying this is not a painful decision, or an easy one...in fact it may be one of the hardest in your history, but you have to make it.

does the joy and education and internal feeling of fulfillment out weigh the feeling of being abandoned and not having a lover with whom you can discuss things and understand them?

for me it would not, being cut off for 2 weeks with out contact would be an indication that my partner was not as invested in me as i would need. but to others it would be, and the feeling of being abandoned, punished trained ect fits right in with their kink and or self knowledge.

as to the checklist thing...your words: "this was not asked of me i thought it would be a good thing to do" well your fella did not see it that way for what ever reasons

some doms might see that sort of thing as topping from the bottom, others might want to train you out of acting with autonomy, and others might have filed it in the dom database (mentally) yet with out  much fan fare.

personally and this is just MPO, based on nothing but my gut reaction and i am possibly projecting but i think he is just not that into you.



_____________________________


Service slut, durable plaything, and ponypenquincatdogpig, to Lee Harrington

This is him

"Its none of my buisness what other people think of me."




(in reply to submissfifi)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: Confused and not allowed to contact Sir... - 10/10/2007 8:10:22 AM   
submissfifi


Posts: 51
Joined: 9/30/2007
Status: offline 		Hi LadyLynx

Thanks for replying. I did the checklist of my own free will, it wasn't asked and I had nothing else that was to be done before that. I decided to do it because I thought it was a good thing to do, for me and for Sir.

I'm a submissive. not a slave.

I like your idea there, thanks.

Fi x

(in reply to LadyLynx)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: Confused and not allowed to contact Sir... - 10/10/2007 8:16:07 AM   
submissfifi


Posts: 51
Joined: 9/30/2007
Status: offline 		Totally agrees with all that has been said. He said I need to sort my head out. I think I have very nearly done so. Wonders about his head tho.


quote:

ORIGINAL: crouchingtigress

with all due respect might i ask on why you are choosing this suffering?

why are you so in your head about this?

he has told you who he is and what he expects, you now know what life with him is going to be like, you have only one choice, like it or leave it.

i am not saying this is not a painful decision, or an easy one...in fact it may be one of the hardest in your history, but you have to make it.

does the joy and education and internal feeling of fulfillment out weigh the feeling of being abandoned and not having a lover with whom you can discuss things and understand them?

for me it would not, being cut off for 2 weeks with out contact would be an indication that my partner was not as invested in me as i would need. but to others it would be, and the feeling of being abandoned, punished trained ect fits right in with their kink and or self knowledge.

as to the checklist thing...your words: "this was not asked of me i thought it would be a good thing to do" well your fella did not see it that way for what ever reasons

some doms might see that sort of thing as topping from the bottom, others might want to train you out of acting with autonomy, and others might have filed it in the dom database (mentally) yet with out  much fan fare.

personally and this is just MPO, based on nothing but my gut reaction and i am possibly projecting but i think he is just not that into you.



(in reply to crouchingtigress)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: Confused and not allowed to contact Sir... - 10/10/2007 8:23:44 AM   
velvetears


Posts: 2933
Joined: 6/19/2006
Status: offline 		It doesn't sound like you are very happy and lifes too short to stay unhappy for very long.  i agree with crouchingtigress it doesn't sound like he is very into you - just my gut reaction to your post.  You can accept the relationship on those terms and settle or move on. 

_____________________________

Religion is for people who are scared of hell, Spirituality is for people who have been there

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RE: Confused and not allowed to contact Sir... - 10/10/2007 8:31:14 AM   
LVpet


Posts: 27
Joined: 9/1/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: submissfifi
I'm a submissive who is easily frustrated when the things I do for Sir are ignored and not given any recognition, I'm not talking, small things either, like the fact I spent a whole afternoon filling out a BDSM checklist to help Sir understand me, my likes and dislikes, this was not asked of me, but I thought it would be a good thing to do..


This is what stuck out to me in the OP.  If you are expecting recognition then you are not doing these thing FOR your Sir, you are doing them for the pat on the head or "good girl".  While these are very nice things to receive they should not be expected.  So often in life, not just the lifestyle, deeds go unrecognized by others.  You should do them for how they make you feel about yourself, not for how you feel another should respond.
LVpet

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RE: Confused and not allowed to contact Sir... - 10/10/2007 8:41:08 AM   
laurell3


Posts: 6577
Joined: 5/5/2005
Status: offline 		Yeah I thought that too, but you know what?  I've given her some crap in her last three posts and her response has always been polite and corrective and trying to understand.  So, she's certainly approachable.  Not that I know anything about this relationship or what she did that was the transgression, other than she seems to be very unhappy.
l

(in reply to LVpet)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: Confused and not allowed to contact Sir... - 10/10/2007 8:43:36 AM   
lauren0221


Posts: 681
Joined: 8/29/2006
Status: offline 		Fast reply

i would not be happy with his response to this behavior, if it were me. Either deal with/correct the behavior, or decide that the problem is serious enough to end the relationship. Creating more distance with no contact for two weeks sounds wishy-washy to me, and does not seem to be any kind of solution to the problem.

(in reply to submissfifi)
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RE: Confused and not allowed to contact Sir... - 10/10/2007 8:59:11 AM   
emberdream


Posts: 5
Joined: 7/27/2007
Status: offline 		i agree with crouchingtigress  ... i spent  years in the same kind of relationship.. always wondering and wondering ...

i found former master was keeping busy inbetween the the 2 weeks seperatations....

i spent too much time ,, way too much .





(in reply to lauren0221)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: Confused and not allowed to contact Sir... - 10/10/2007 9:04:13 AM   
celticlord2112


Posts: 5732
Status: offline 		If you want to be in a relationship with Sir, wait out the two weeks, then politely ask to discuss all of this with him, using whatever protocol he has established for your relationship.

Until then, don't speculate on whether Sir has an ulterior motive.  Sir's motives will become evident at the end of the two weeks, regardless of what you think or do in the meantime.  Allow time to unfold and reveal itself. 

Also, I suggest you not put too much stock in what other dominants would do in a similar situation.   I am not Sir, and no other dominant here is Sir.  How I handle "bratty issues" in a slave has very little bearing on the propriety of Sir's handling of such issues with you; he is the dominant, and such decisions are his to make--that is the order of things.

DO take the time to focus on the issues you have articulated about yourself here.  Everyone gets frustrated, hurt, even angry--and submissives are no different from dominants in this regard.  We all feel what we feel; consequence arises not from our emotions but from how we choose to express those emotions.  Put simply, you need to learn how to make better choices.

I also strongly recommend you divorce your thinking from words such as "fault", "blame", and even "right" and "wrong" with respect to your dynamic with Sir.  Each of you acts, then reacts, then responds to whatever consequences arise from the action and reaction.  If the consequences you experience are not what you desire, then actions and reactions must adjust accordingly.  Focus on how you will act in the future, not how you have acted in the past--we cannot change what is past, we can only hope to learn from it.




_____________________________



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Profile   Post #: 19
RE: Confused and not allowed to contact Sir... - 10/10/2007 9:12:07 AM   
celticlord2112


Posts: 5732
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LVpet

quote:

ORIGINAL: submissfifi
I'm a submissive who is easily frustrated when the things I do for Sir are ignored and not given any recognition, I'm not talking, small things either, like the fact I spent a whole afternoon filling out a BDSM checklist to help Sir understand me, my likes and dislikes, this was not asked of me, but I thought it would be a good thing to do..


This is what stuck out to me in the OP.  If you are expecting recognition then you are not doing these thing FOR your Sir, you are doing them for the pat on the head or "good girl".  While these are very nice things to receive they should not be expected.  So often in life, not just the lifestyle, deeds go unrecognized by others.  You should do them for how they make you feel about yourself, not for how you feel another should respond.
LVpet



I do not agree.  Every person I have ever encountered desires recognition and affirmation from others.  Why else enter into a long term emotional relationship if not for how the other person, through word and deed, makes us feel?

However, it always bears restating that we can never choose how others respond to us; we can only choose how we respond to others.


_____________________________



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