Has disobedience ever caused the end?

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Has disobedience ever caused the end? - 10/10/2007 8:05:26 AM

Stephann

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Following the theme of obedience, I'm curious.

How many folks have had established (3+ months) relationships (not just collars) that ended because one instruction, order, or rule wasn't obeyed. I would prefer the question to reflect D/s rules; "I was released because I cheated on him, and that broke a 'no cheating' rule" isn't really what I have in mind here.

The fear of 'blind' or absolute obedience seems to stem from concerns that the dominant might give an instruction the submissive is unwilling or unable to comply; and that the dominant is then empowered and even obligated to terminate the relationship (as if he had an obligation to stay in a relationship he otherwise didn't enjoy, or couldn't choose to stay with a disobedient submissive?)

So that's where the question comes from; has disobedience or refusal to comply with an instruction in an otherwise healthy, established relationship caused the end of your relationship?

Stephan

< Message edited by Stephann -- 10/10/2007 8:06:04 AM >

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RE: Has disobedience ever caused the end? - 10/10/2007 8:09:44 AM

LordVelvet

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I have had rules in place that if they weren't followed would have resulted in a release. I think that is what you were asking.

I just became Twisted

LordVelvet

< Message edited by LordVelvet -- 10/10/2007 8:10:13 AM >

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RE: Has disobedience ever caused the end? - 10/10/2007 8:12:10 AM

laurell3

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I hope you mean were not.

It's never happened to me, but I'm not a slave, so the concept of release is a bit vague. I can't say I've ever had a long-term d/s relationship end over d/s issues or orders, usually more relationship stuff and definitely more gradual.
l

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RE: Has disobedience ever caused the end? - 10/10/2007 8:13:03 AM

RRafe

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I have had several times that it ended a D/s relationship.

I tend to be very patient-but if a woman show a disregard for the boundaries we both agree to-and keeps on breaking deal breakers-it more or less has to end.

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RE: Has disobedience ever caused the end? - 10/10/2007 8:13:49 AM

Dari

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I have rules that will result in immediate release. No second chances, no apologies, no discussion. These rules are clearly communicated before I accept service.

To date, I've had subs respectfully withdraw from the relationship rather than break them, but fortunately I haven't had to release based on the callous breaking of one of my hard limit rules.

(in reply to LordVelvet)

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RE: Has disobedience ever caused the end? - 10/10/2007 8:20:20 AM

LordVelvet

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laurell3,
I have edited as My fingers were moving faster than My brain.

LordVelvet

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RE: Has disobedience ever caused the end? - 10/10/2007 8:24:47 AM

crouchingtigress

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From: Maui
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ultimatly i suppose it did, not in one sharp shock as you are asking, but as my faith in him lessoned i began to do the things that i knew were deal breakers, eating meat, watching tv, not caring about bedtime rituals, furniture agreements and speech protocals....

i begged release for over a year, and each time it was not granted i became more and more recalcitrant, till the point where my passive agressivness really took over, it was all i had, it became what could i get away with....stephann i am not proud of this, and i would never put myself in a situation where i was so trapped and powerless again, but i offer it it to add to the discussion because i think what you are asking is about what are the things that tear the delicate fabric of wiitwd.

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RE: Has disobedience ever caused the end? - 10/10/2007 8:27:14 AM

LadyPact

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I'm afraid the best I have to offer you from personal experience is My one instance of releasing someone based on dishonesty. I realize that is not what you are looking for here, but it's My belief that honesty is a core element to a BDSM relationship.

Oddly enough, this wasn't one of those instances where someone lied about their age, marital status, or anything of the like. It was actually much more simple. Something that easily could have been told the truth about, rather than a lie. Not anything I would have cared about one way or the other had the truth just been told in the beginning. However, after looking into the matter, the sub admitted to having a problem in the area. It was not something I found acceptable. He was released.

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RE: Has disobedience ever caused the end? - 10/10/2007 8:37:02 AM

IrishMist

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Not too long after I had my daughter, my husband told me to do something for him. I absolutly, flat out refused. It took him less than five minutes to have my things at the door and me outside it. It took two weeks before I went back, begging for a second chance. He gave it to me on one condition. That I never disobey him again. Period. He made it very clear that there would be no more 'second chances' and that to refuse or disobey meant the end of our relationship. No discussion. No compromise. It was his way, or I could leave right then and there.

He meant it. He would have ended our relationship that fast and without a second thought.

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RE: Has disobedience ever caused the end? - 10/10/2007 8:44:48 AM

Lashra

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I released a sub who I had been with for 2 years because he broke a core rule and destroyed my trust in him. Once the trust is gone, what else is there?

~Lashra

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RE: Has disobedience ever caused the end? - 10/10/2007 9:00:18 AM

velvetears

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Stephann

So that's where the question comes from; has disobedience or refusal to comply with an instruction in an otherwise healthy, established relationship caused the end of your relationship?

During the course of my one long term past M/s relationship there were little instances of disobedience, forgetfulness, etc that were dealt with. i would not want to enter into a relationship where a mistake or act of disobedience could lead to my release - i don't want or need that kind of pressure in a relationship.

i did go through a very traumatic experience which led to a total break down of sorts and i told my master at the time i was unable to participate in the SM side (playing) but i would still be available for him if he needed anything, things relating to service (work, chores etc). i asked for his patience and acceptance and tried to get him to realize how deeply affected i was. i truly felt incapable of doing many things at that point in my life. This resulted in the ending of our relationship. As much as i tried to explain where i was at emotionally he took it as a betrayal. He accepted my service but when i felt ready to come back into his service fully thats when i realized he had released me, without telling me. In his mind i had released myself by withdrawing and not making myself available - i suppose he felt it as an abandonment and the trust was broken and ironically thats how i felt in the end as well.

i can see his position, that i demonstrated my lack of trust by withdrawing - took the decision making away from him - he never said these things, i surmized them from knowing who he was. The good thing is it brought me to the realization that i was really in a relationship that wasn't satisfying me if his reaction to my emotional distress was to take it personally and feel threatened rather then try to look at the situation and do what he could to help me through it, and at least have the integrity to tell me i was released as he could not accept what had transpired.

i would not want someone so inflexible that if i made a mistake or suffered some kind of trauma and withdrew i would be released. You don't walk away from something like that easily and it takes a long time to sort the pieces back together. Trust is a big issue with me. i doubt i could ever trust anyone completely - in my experience it came back to bite me in the ass so why should i?

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RE: Has disobedience ever caused the end? - 10/10/2007 9:03:10 AM

breatheasone

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Geez...I'm glad I'm not in the, one strike and you're out club....

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RE: Has disobedience ever caused the end? - 10/10/2007 9:03:18 AM

LATEXBABY64

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i have been on both sides of this fence but they were cardinal rules. cheating or dishonesty are thats it your done rules.
then there was a couple of times of was let go do to outside t hings those people came back and apologized one took seven years. the one thing i can say pride i never have cheated on anyone or would put anyone through that kinda of drama.
It really is about morals and values IF someone has none then they are not the one forsure . I guess it just comes down to what you will accept and what you will not. sometimes i feel better playing the lottery then this lifestyle lol

< Message edited by LATEXBABY64 -- 10/10/2007 9:05:25 AM >

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RE: Has disobedience ever caused the end? - 10/10/2007 9:06:40 AM

crouchingtigress

Posts: 4387
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From: Maui
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quote:

ORIGINAL: velvetearsTrust is a big issue with me. i doubt i could ever trust anyone completely - in my experience it came back to bite me in the ass so why should i?

i think it was your not trusting him that bit you in the ass, not your trusting him....dont you think?

_____________________________

Service slut, durable plaything, and ponypenquincatdogpig, to Lee Harrington

This is him

"Its none of my buisness what other people think of me."

(in reply to velvetears)

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RE: Has disobedience ever caused the end? - 10/10/2007 9:40:51 AM

DarkDaddyZ

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Joined: 4/7/2006
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Stephann

Following the theme of obedience, I'm curious.

How many folks have had established (3+ months) relationships (not just collars) that ended because one instruction, order, or rule wasn't obeyed. I would prefer the question to reflect D/s rules; "I was released because I cheated on him, and that broke a 'no cheating' rule" isn't really what I have in mind here.

The fear of 'blind' or absolute obedience seems to stem from concerns that the dominant might give an instruction the submissive is unwilling or unable to comply; and that the dominant is then empowered and even obligated to terminate the relationship (as if he had an obligation to stay in a relationship he otherwise didn't enjoy, or couldn't choose to stay with a disobedient submissive?)

So that's where the question comes from; has disobedience or refusal to comply with an instruction in an otherwise healthy, established relationship caused the end of your relationship?

Stephan

In a otherwise healthy relationship????? I understand disobedience can happen especially in relationships where communicating is lacking and especially unhealthy relationships. I can say that I have ended relationships based on that but not if it was otherwise healthy.

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RE: Has disobedience ever caused the end? - 10/10/2007 9:54:06 AM

MstrssPassion

Posts: 2444
Joined: 1/1/2004
From: West Palm Beach, FL
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Stephann

Following the theme of obedience, I'm curious.

How many folks have had established (3+ months) relationships (not just collars) that ended because one instruction, order, or rule wasn't obeyed. I would prefer the question to reflect D/s rules; "I was released because I cheated on him, and that broke a 'no cheating' rule" isn't really what I have in mind here.

I don't know that I would call 3 months established but I would never end a relationship based on one rule was broken. 3 months is a very, very short period of time & I believe anyone can make mistakes during this time because to be honest, people are still just figuring out who the other is & who they are within this newly forming couple.

However I do have very specific deal breakers. Lying, flat out bold face dishonesty is grounds for immediate dismissal. I believe I can work through just about any transgression but that. Fidelity, eh, over-rated & not something I think one person can assume all blame on. The way I look at it, if I find myself in a monogamous arrangement & either I or my partner feel as though there is a need to seek physical satisfaction elsewhere... well then we both have failed in some regard.

quote:

The fear of 'blind' or absolute obedience seems to stem from concerns that the dominant might give an instruction the submissive is unwilling or unable to comply; and that the dominant is then empowered and even obligated to terminate the relationship (as if he had an obligation to stay in a relationship he otherwise didn't enjoy, or couldn't choose to stay with a disobedient submissive?)

Huh???

quote:

So that's where the question comes from; has disobedience or refusal to comply with an instruction in an otherwise healthy, established relationship caused the end of your relationship?

Stephan

there are two types of "disobedience"

one is willful disobedience: whereas the individual flagrant disregard the authority they surrendered to & basically dares you to enforce the rules... I don't think anyone should engage with this battle for control, nor do I believe it is grounds for termination of the relationship. What it does require is that the couple need to have a good long sit down & re-evaluate their dynamic & what direction they plan to go in.

& there is disobedience that is more along the lines of an error in judgement, a mistake or where they just didn't make sure they understood the obligation before assuming the responsibility of fulfilling it... this could be their error as well as the error of the one giving the order/making the rule because somehow effective communication did not take place. Sure the sub should make sure they understand instructions but that does not remove the responsibility from the dominant ot make sure their intructions were understood.

Also a dominant has to take into consideration what they are "ordering" another to do. You can't order a submissive to flap their arms & fly circles above your head & then dismiss them because they fail to do so.That is an unrealistic expectation.

Same goes for more realistic expectations that could be essentially unrealistic because it is not within that individuals means to carry out. This is where the power of observation come in for a dominant & where again I stress that 3 months is really to small amount of time to really know someone. Sure yall may have learned how to get each other off or maybe how you like your coffee but honestly, really how much can you come to know about someone in such a small period of time?

I'd love to hear from others who have been with their partner full time, under one roof for years on this. I've been with my current partner for 4 yrs now & we still learn new stuff about one another on a regular basis.

But at the end of the day... everyone has to establish & effectively enforce their own dynamic. Just make sure that you are not setting yourself up for failure because a plan can look real good on paper but once it becomes a reality, things tend to come up that were never thought out on that original draft of pen & paper.

< Message edited by MstrssPassion -- 10/10/2007 10:01:24 AM >

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RE: Has disobedience ever caused the end? - 10/10/2007 10:01:18 AM

velvetears

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quote:

ORIGINAL: crouchingtigress

quote:

ORIGINAL: velvetearsTrust is a big issue with me. i doubt i could ever trust anyone completely - in my experience it came back to bite me in the ass so why should i?

i think it was your not trusting him that bit you in the ass, not your trusting him....dont you think?

i have pondered that, and i am sure he sees it as a lack of trust on my part. At the time i wasn't capable of very much, what happened had so disrupted my life there wasn't much choice on my part. i did as much as i was capable. i just thought there was enough love there that he would understand, so in a sense at the time i saw it as a betrayal of trust.

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RE: Has disobedience ever caused the end? - 10/10/2007 10:05:44 AM

RRafe

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Joined: 8/29/2007
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quote:

ORIGINAL: velvetears

quote:

ORIGINAL: crouchingtigress

quote:

ORIGINAL: velvetearsTrust is a big issue with me. i doubt i could ever trust anyone completely - in my experience it came back to bite me in the ass so why should i?

i think it was your not trusting him that bit you in the ass, not your trusting him....dont you think?

i have pondered that, and i am sure he sees it as a lack of trust on my part. At the time i wasn't capable of very much, what happened had so disrupted my life there wasn't much choice on my part. i did as much as i was capable. i just thought there was enough love there that he would understand, so in a sense at the time i saw it as a betrayal of trust.

We have to step a little outside of ourselves to really make things work in a relationship.

D/s is hard, you get mind and heart hooks that connect you. If you ignore the tugs, they tear loose, and rip holes in you.

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RE: Has disobedience ever caused the end? - 10/10/2007 10:39:32 AM

pseudopsychotic

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I think, it would really have to depend on the rule that was broken.
Like say...I boiled my Sirs bunny.
Yeah I can see him ending the relationship and calling the cops. o.o
But to just BAM end something because of one disobedient act?
If one could do that, then one wasn't that invested in the relationship, or they have some kind of loaded God complex.
On the flip side, if the Dom/me said in the beginning: "Do or dont do this or that and it's over, no questions asked." And the sub/slave violated that, then yeah...They should expect to be released and if they werent, then I would question the Dom/me's word.
I have one standing rule and I will walk away from anyone no matter how much I like or love them.
Lying.
I can't stand it, I see no reason for it and I tell anyone I'm starting a relationship with up front. You lie and Im out.
End of.

That's just my opinion.

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RE: Has disobedience ever caused the end? - 10/10/2007 10:45:43 AM

YourhandMyAss

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Yes. continual disobediance, ended the very first relationship I had.

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