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Can a Nice Guy be a Dom? - 10/15/2007 12:57:04 PM

Blaakmaan

Posts: 374
Joined: 5/21/2007
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A question for the submissives (and whoever else has something substantive to say on the issue):

I'm a newbie. I consider myself, beneath it all, a nice guy (I recognize that even nice guys have their darker side!).

My question is, is being a nice guy an impediment to being a good Dominant?

When I read what submissives say they want in a Dom, I don't recall seing the word "nice" very often...

Do nice guys finish last in BDSM?

Post #: 1

RE: Can a Nice Guy be a Dom? - 10/15/2007 1:01:37 PM

camille65

Posts: 5746
Joined: 7/11/2007
From: Austin Texas
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Not in my opinion no. I like nice, intelligence, humor and good hands lol. Niceness is actually pretty important to me.

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RE: Can a Nice Guy be a Dom? - 10/15/2007 1:01:56 PM

LadyLynx

Posts: 1098
Joined: 7/24/2007
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Do nice guys finish last in BDSM?

not in my book they don't. I have found that it is the nicer guys that can be truly evil. **grins** (and ladies as well.)

An aquaintance of mine told me she had trouble with the idea of me topping, because I look/act so sweet. Then she saw me topping a male sub at a party, she said, ok I can see your sadistic!

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(in reply to Blaakmaan)

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RE: Can a Nice Guy be a Dom? - 10/15/2007 1:03:20 PM

Ryeguy91

Posts: 28
Joined: 10/9/2007
From: Pittsburgh
Status: offline

I wouldn't think so. I consider myself a nice guy and a gentleman. I am also Dom. There are aspects of domniation and submission that go beyond the physical. I find that having compassion and empathy are vital in any lasting relathionship, even more so the 'darker' it becomes. In fact, IMO, the darker the relationship, the more dangerous it is without such traits.

< Message edited by Ryeguy91 -- 10/15/2007 1:07:30 PM >

(in reply to Blaakmaan)

Post #: 4

RE: Can a Nice Guy be a Dom? - 10/15/2007 1:09:53 PM

toservez

Posts: 1733
Joined: 9/7/2006
From: All over now in Minnesota
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I would not serve a person I do not consider nice. Nice is more along the value lines of a person and not totally a behavioral trait in my book. To me being nice is nothing more then being considerate, caring and respectful of others.

If I am your slave being nice to me is making me do things for you for your pleasure and putting your desires ahead of my own most of the time. Being nice to me would be making me suffer to feel your dominance over me. Being nice is dominating me. I am not dominant or want to live a normal life. I am submissive and want to be used like a submissive.

So I personally believe nice guys always finish first and jerks go from one relationship to another.

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RE: Can a Nice Guy be a Dom? - 10/15/2007 1:13:10 PM

sweetNsmartBBW

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Joined: 5/16/2007
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Do nice Guys finish last in BDSM? Do subs seek out nice Men? I certainly can't answer for anyone but myself. I'd never consider being with a Dom that was, at His core, not a nice Guy.

We are talking the most intimate relationship in my life; I'm looking to surrender my entire being to this Guy- to hand over my power to Him. Basically, in the D/s relationship I seek- He will be my teacher, mentor, lover, best friend....and when needs be judge, jury and disciplinarian. You bet I want a "nice guy" for all of those things!

However, lots of people are looking for completely different relationship dynamics. For them, a nice Guy would never do.

One could ask if "nice girls" finish last, just as easily. My take on it would be- what does it matter? I'm who I am, and those that like me, and my attributes, are the one's that will be attracted to me. You only need to find one submissive that clicks (or more if You are poly *lol*) to break the pattern of "finishing last". Would You want to be with a woman that did ~not~ want a nice Guy?

< Message edited by sweetNsmartBBW -- 10/15/2007 1:34:35 PM >

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RE: Can a Nice Guy be a Dom? - 10/15/2007 1:15:38 PM

BOUNTYHUNTER

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I think we need to define nice,Sure I am a nice guy but a very demanding Master to those that serve,If nice means to give in the a sub,spoil her/him. give them every thing they want,Then no I am not a nice guy but on other hand I do care about those around me and they are treated as a cherish family member...

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Post #: 7

RE: Can a Nice Guy be a Dom? - 10/15/2007 1:16:41 PM

AquaticSub

Posts: 14867
Joined: 12/27/2005
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Blaakmaan

Do nice guys finish last in BDSM?

I make a lot of jokes about Valyraen being an asshole. And sometimes he really is one. But he's also the kind of guy who will randomly make coffe, even though he doesn't drink it and doesn't care for it, pour me a cup and add the right of cream. He does this while I'm asleep, brings the cup upstairs and wakes me up gently by rubbing my belly softly.

If he wasn't actually a nice guy, I wouldn't want him. Nice guys hit harder anyway.

_____________________________

Without my dominance you cannot submit. Without your submission I cannot dominate. You are my equal in this, though our roles are different.-Val

It was ok for him to beat me but then he tried to cuddle me! - Me

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(in reply to Blaakmaan)

Post #: 8

RE: Can a Nice Guy be a Dom? - 10/15/2007 1:18:17 PM

RosesHaveThorns

Posts: 312
Joined: 10/14/2007
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In my opinion, you can't be a good master without being a nice guy. It's not just about the master/top getting off, after all. The top often fulfills a fantasy for the bottom. And, afterall, the top is doing all of the work while the bottom gets to lie down! (Most of the time, at least) And as a non-24/7 relationship, little acts of niceness and cuddling after a scene are important to me, as is the fact that I'm not interested in jerks for any sort of relationship. Knowing that I am respected and cared for is vital for this.

But it seems to me that many BDSM relationships are about, well, a relationship, therefore, jerks need not apply.

Think of a top as someone who is a gentleman, polite, courteous, but also strong, controlling and providing, if that helps. (At least for me!) Not some jerk wifebeater.

Secondly, is it just me, or are many tops/doms into the whole gentleman behavior, such as opening the door, picking up the check, driving the woman around? I haven't met enough people to tell, but I think it might be a trend...

(in reply to toservez)

Post #: 9

RE: Can a Nice Guy be a Dom? - 10/15/2007 1:22:56 PM

TotalState

Posts: 278
Joined: 9/3/2007
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I had to search my soul for the answer to that question when I 'came out' as a dom. More specifically, I wanted to know whether my need to dominate and my sadistic streak made me the opposite of nice. I wasn't sure I could live with that.

Happily, many months later, I've learned that being dominant and being nice are absolutely not mutually exclusive. In fact, as you'll no doubt see by the responses here, most consider being generally nice a bonus. I think that a good dominant is a giving person, someone who is mindful of his submissive's needs, and does absolutely not have to act like an arrogant prick (which seems very popular, if my sub's inbox is any judge). I also found out that I had no particular need or want to be sadistic or dominant outside of the scene...that is, I didn't suddenly find myself being sadistic towards people that didn't ask for it, nor try to force my will on those who didn't want it.

So, w. regard to your question: no. Absolutely not.

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(in reply to Blaakmaan)

Post #: 10

RE: Can a Nice Guy be a Dom? - 10/15/2007 1:37:20 PM

atsirK

Posts: 2
Joined: 8/17/2006
Status: offline

I am still very inexperienced in the whole BDSM world, even though I have been aware of its existence since I was a teenager. But having lived through abusive relationships, I can tell you right off the bat that I would NEVER submit myself willingly to an asshole. If I found somebody who was a wonderful guy, kind and loving, and maybe even a bit spoiling, I would be happy to submit. Because you are always the primary caretaker of your own heart, and therefore the man who attains control of your heart must first earn/deserve it. Otherwise, you make yourself the fool when you willingly submit yourself to somebody who abuses you. (note: WILLINGLY is the operative word, here... if somebody forces your submission, then it no longer is a matter between two consenting adults and becomes an issue for the law.)

Just my $0.02.

(in reply to RosesHaveThorns)

Post #: 11

RE: Can a Nice Guy be a Dom? - 10/15/2007 1:39:22 PM

RRafe

Posts: 2060
Joined: 8/29/2007
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One can be nice most of the time, and wonderfully evil in play. Seems to be what my past girls appreciated about me.

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Post #: 12

RE: Can a Nice Guy be a Dom? - 10/15/2007 2:00:59 PM

Bearlee

Posts: 2311
Joined: 10/25/2004
From: South Central CO
Status: offline

LOL This is gonna be an interesting thread; right up there with 'can you love your D/s partner?'

Some people seem to seperate emotional attachment from the whole D/s thing. Some people prefer to keep D/s seperate from the rest of their lives. Some have a spouse...and a D/s partner with whom they play BDSM games. Some think spouses are for making nice and D/s partners are for being sadistic or submissive. <shrugs>

By my way of thinking the very best Doms are the nice ones!!!
b

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Post #: 13

RE: Can a Nice Guy be a Dom? - 10/15/2007 2:01:48 PM

Littlepita

Posts: 1430
Joined: 10/6/2005
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My Daddy is the nicest man I have ever met.

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“I, with a deeper instinct, choose a man who compels my strength, who makes enormous demands on me, who does not doubt my courage or my toughness, who does not believe me naive or innocent, who has the courage to treat me like a woman.” – Anais Nin

(in reply to RRafe)

Post #: 14

RE: Can a Nice Guy be a Dom? - 10/15/2007 2:02:25 PM

Tigrita

Posts: 484
Joined: 8/16/2007
From: California
Status: offline

From my profile; what I was looking for (I found one):
"You’ve got a good heart, and maybe have done some teaching or mentoring; you use your confident bearing and silver tongue in all the right ways. You can get powerful people to give money to your cause, and get women to come home with you when they’re not that kind of girl. But you don’t want to be polite about it all the time. You need to shake off some of that charm and let the beast out sometimes, because we know it is in there, and it’s hungry."

I need both! Someone meaner than the baddest tough-guy, and more kind and thoughtful than the softest nice-guy. Count yourself as a beautiful rarity if you have both darkness and lightness to share with someone.

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There is no right path, only the path you take.

Success is making life happen, versus just letting life happen to you.

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(in reply to RRafe)

Post #: 15

RE: Can a Nice Guy be a Dom? - 10/15/2007 2:03:43 PM

jadedserendipity

Posts: 3596
Joined: 10/12/2007
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For me a "nice guy" is a requirement, I want to have a relationship with someone where we connect on many levels, beyond just BDSM. I seek an intelligent gentleman, one who is polite, courteous, caring, Strong, controlling, and dominant. In my opinion there is more to a dominant than a man/woman who weilds a whip and yells obscenities, they are some of the most caring people out there, they are willingly taking care of their sub/slave and are concerned with their health and well being. So for me the nice guys tend to finish first.

~*jadedserendipity*~

(in reply to RRafe)

Post #: 16

RE: Can a Nice Guy be a Dom? - 10/15/2007 2:07:03 PM

sweetcreeangel

Posts: 70
Joined: 6/3/2007
Status: offline

Yes a nice guy can be a Dominant type for there are many different types of Dominants in the BDSM lifestyle and for the record i dont think that nice guys finsih last period

(in reply to jadedserendipity)

Post #: 17

RE: Can a Nice Guy be a Dom? - 10/15/2007 2:07:51 PM

sweetNsmartBBW

Posts: 167
Joined: 5/16/2007
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Tigrita- I ~loved~ your post! Summed it up quite nicely, put words to notions I had been unable to. Thanks!

_____________________________

There are two kinds of strengths: the strength to lead, and the strength to follow; the strength to control, and the strength to yield. There are two kinds of power: the power to strip away another's soul bare, and the power to stand naked. Yaldah Tova

(in reply to jadedserendipity)

Post #: 18

RE: Can a Nice Guy be a Dom? - 10/15/2007 2:15:22 PM

came4U

Posts: 3572
Joined: 1/23/2007
From: London, Ontario
Status: offline

Nice as in genine? sure. Nice as in fraudulent, hell no.

The difference lies in the agendas of the two variants of these types of men.

A nice genuine guy has a past of treating people well, the fraud (we see this mostly in vanilla) is the 'nice guy' only to entrap a gal into a false security. This type may or may not end up an abuser.

How many vanilla women do we know that marry a 'nice guy' end up later to be prey and victim to a nice guy who couldn't keep up his facade for very long? How many serial killer's neighbors comment on the news that "wow, can't believe it, he was such a nice guy!!"?

Nice is ok, to a degree. How does he talk about/discuss his parents/authority figures, how does he treat animals? Does he seem to complain and blame all co-workers in the past for problem bases issues? How is his driving? courteous? How does he treat those in the service industry (waitresses, maids)? Is it show-off nice? Do you notice others uncomfortable and perhaps detect some shallowness in his display?

If it all adds up, he is likely nice. If I notice an unbalance in any (and more) of the above, I tend to think it is all show.

Maybe that is why I prefer meeting assholes, at least you know what you are getting upfront. Assholes don't change but they are a lil more predictable and to me they just give me a calming effect.

<kisses to all the assholes! (hey, not literally pffttt.)

< Message edited by came4U -- 10/15/2007 2:16:35 PM >

(in reply to jadedserendipity)

Post #: 19

RE: Can a Nice Guy be a Dom? - 10/15/2007 2:16:39 PM

hejira92

Posts: 2272
Joined: 10/27/2005
From: Palm Beach County, Fl
Status: offline

I'm going to go against the flow on this one. Master describes himself as a "Good" guy- not a "nice" guy. Nice guys get taken advantage of, Good guys know that sometimes being an asshole is called for. (apologies for the prepositional endings- long day).

Is Master nice to me? Absolutely. He's the most considerate man I have ever met. But, He says He treats me as I deserve to be treated. He's a Good Guy; honest, honorable, street-wise, tough, emotionally mature and not into taking sh*t from anyone.

Definitely not a "nice" guy.

(flash on Madeline Kahn as Lily Von Schtupp- "Vat a nice guy...")

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Post #: 20

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