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Porn and men - How much is normal? - 10/19/2007 2:24:47 PM   
gwendolyn


Posts: 188
Joined: 7/19/2005
Status: offline 		I really wasn't sure that I'd get the objective response I was looking for in the submissive's section, so I'm going to pose this question here.

About three or four weeks ago, I went to my Master with a concern: the constant pornographic .avi files popping up on the desktop. I was in tears, mainly because the porn started showing up around the same time that our sex life saw a drastic drop off. I told him that I felt like I was competing with the porn, and losing. That my self esteem was seriously suffering because of it. He said he had no idea that it had become such a frequent habit, and that he would make every effort to put that energy to use towards me.

Well, this afternoon I went looking through the browser history for an ebay auction I had intended to bid on, and discovered that it has begun again. But instead of downloading it, he's started watching them online everyday while I'm at work. Let me add that there was a very brief increase in intimacy between the two of us, which has since dropped off again. He tells me he loves me, and I believe him. Aside from our sex life, things are very good. But I feel myself growing resentful and angry. It's been almost three weeks since I've had any form of sexual release..

I just want to understand how much porn is normal for a man? And does it normally interfere with a r/l sex life? Any advice or insight would be greatly appreciated.

Gwen

_____________________________

Tell me what did you like about me?
And don't say my strength and daring.
'cause now I think I'm at your mercy;
And it's my first time for this kind of thing.
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: Porn and men - How much is normal? - 10/19/2007 2:54:12 PM   
Honsoku


Posts: 422
Joined: 6/26/2007
Status: offline 		If it is interfering with your sex life, then it is almost certainly too much. Porn should not be replacing reality. Unless some goal is being served (which it doesn't sound like it is), something is awry. Though this is most likely a symptom of the real issue. Did anything else happen around the same time as the drop off?

Honsoku

< Message edited by Honsoku -- 10/19/2007 2:55:37 PM >

(in reply to gwendolyn)
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RE: Porn and men - How much is normal? - 10/19/2007 3:00:03 PM   
astarri


Posts: 265
Joined: 4/22/2007
Status: offline 		i realize im a submissive and so therefore this is not adressed to me but if it is okay ...i would like to put my 2cents in here. If you want you dont have to read it though.

IMO there is nothing wrong with anyone watching porn ... it is a fun viewing experience and can keep the idea of sex in your brain for the rest of the day. I do have times though when i know i have become desensitized to it because it really doesnt do it for me anymore and in those instances i will often change from visual porn to written porn. This stimulates my mental sexuality which is a very rewarding thing for me.

If porn is beginning to replace your partner however, i would see it as a problem. Perhaps he is just going through a phase though ...i would try to talk to him about ...perhaps suggest you could view it together. Always fun to play "Monkey see, Monkey do" so to speak.

I would avoid making him feel guilty about it though as shame is never a positve trait ...inless your into it but that is another story lol
I think the best option here would be to not be threatened by it (easier said than done i know) and try to incorporate some of it into your sex life. 
Thanks for taking the time to read my response and i hope it has helped.

(in reply to gwendolyn)
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RE: Porn and men - How much is normal? - 10/19/2007 3:02:05 PM   
gwendolyn


Posts: 188
Joined: 7/19/2005
Status: offline 		He lost his job six months ago. I made every effort to let him know I thought no less of him. It seemed to take a nose dive around then. I understand that. But I just don't get why it's still replacing me. He's got a job now that he really enjoys and that he's good at. Even after I respectfully confronted him, it continues. Except now, he's using the browser to view things. I can only think it's because he doesn't want me to know he's still doing it. I feel rather betrayed. I really want to say something to him, but I'm not sure how to begin that conversation. He seems put out every time I mention our lack of sex life.

_____________________________

Tell me what did you like about me?
And don't say my strength and daring.
'cause now I think I'm at your mercy;
And it's my first time for this kind of thing.

(in reply to Honsoku)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: Porn and men - How much is normal? - 10/19/2007 3:03:46 PM   
TheChauvinist


Posts: 76
Joined: 10/14/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: gwendolyn
I just want to understand how much porn is normal for a man?
That varies from man to man. Some need to drown in it while others could do without seeing it very often if ever.
quote:

And does it normally interfere with a r/l sex life? Any advice or insight would be greatly appreciated.

Gwen
Most times a man turns to porn when he is bored with sex. It's new, exciting and naughty for him to be caught doing, yadda, yadda, yadda. Sounds to me you've gone from being his slave to being his wife. A nagging one at that. Ask him what need of his your not meeting sexually and you'll see why he's turning to porn over you. You keep thinking of only yourself and this will just keep building until it's too much to fix.

(in reply to gwendolyn)
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RE: Porn and men - How much is normal? - 10/19/2007 3:09:11 PM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline 		The problem isn't how much- it's that it seems to be being used as a fantasy escape from reality- and that reality includes his relationship with you.

Time for an open honest talk about how you both feel, both of you opening up and owning up to those feelings, not blaming, not crucifying, and come to agreement on some ACTIONS you can both take to get back on a positive track.


_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to TheChauvinist)
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RE: Porn and men - How much is normal? - 10/19/2007 3:10:55 PM   
gwendolyn


Posts: 188
Joined: 7/19/2005
Status: offline 		Edited because I really suck with the quote function.

< Message edited by gwendolyn -- 10/19/2007 3:12:40 PM >

_____________________________

Tell me what did you like about me?
And don't say my strength and daring.
'cause now I think I'm at your mercy;
And it's my first time for this kind of thing.

(in reply to TheChauvinist)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: Porn and men - How much is normal? - 10/19/2007 3:12:17 PM   
simplyeli


Posts: 31
Joined: 4/7/2007
From: Panhandle of Florida
Status: offline 		the question should be..."porn and women, how much is normal"...and btw...wtf is normal?

_____________________________

"It is what separates us from the beast...our wicked carnal desires" ---DeSade

"The only unnatural sex act is no sex at all." ---Freud

"A halo on a subbie is nothing more than a glorified cockring." ---Hawk



(in reply to gwendolyn)
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RE: Porn and men - How much is normal? - 10/19/2007 3:15:20 PM   
gwendolyn


Posts: 188
Joined: 7/19/2005
Status: offline 		Okay, I'm going to sound like a total twit now. LA, that seems to be easier said than done. The last thing I want to do is play the blame game. How would you go about starting that sort of conversation? Beginning sentences so as not to put someone on the offensive?

_____________________________

Tell me what did you like about me?
And don't say my strength and daring.
'cause now I think I'm at your mercy;
And it's my first time for this kind of thing.

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: Porn and men - How much is normal? - 10/19/2007 3:18:06 PM   
Aswad


Posts: 9374
Joined: 4/4/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: gwendolyn

I told him that I felt like I was competing with the porn, and losing.


Perhaps you are. Perhaps you are not.
Try watching the porn with him and/or by yourself.
See if there's a recurring theme of something you're not doing.
He may be indulging a kink that you are unable or unwilling to provide.
Or it may simply be that his sex drive is lower at the moment, for other reasons.

I know I view porn instead of sex when I want release without sexual contact due to low drive.
This has especially been the case for me when I have been on antidepressants.

quote:


That my self esteem was seriously suffering because of it.


I know that's probably beyond your control, but try not to let this happen, as it's premature.
You need to talk about the problem, and uncover the reasons for it, first.

quote:


I just want to understand how much porn is normal for a man?


Depends on age and other factors.
About one or two harddrives full and a rack of DVDs is not abnormal.

quote:


And does it normally interfere with a r/l sex life?


Not for me, and not for those men I know. It has never substituted for sex I wanted to have.
But it may be a supplement to masturbation, which may continue in the absence of sex drive.

quote:


Any advice or insight would be greatly appreciated.


My guess is that his sex drive is low for some reason.

What age is he?

Is he under stress?
Is he exercising regularly?
Does he use any medication?
Has his eating habits changed?

Has the level of other physical activity changed?

Those are critical questions for finding out what the reason might be.

Hope this helps.

Health,
al-Aswad.


_____________________________

"If God saw what any of us did that night, he didn't seem to mind.
From then on I knew: God doesn't make the world this way.
We do." -- Rorschack, Watchmen.


(in reply to gwendolyn)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: Porn and men - How much is normal? - 10/19/2007 3:22:18 PM   
Aswad


Posts: 9374
Joined: 4/4/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: gwendolyn

He lost his job six months ago.


Bingo.

That will do it for many men. Increases stress, and frequently gives the feeling of not being able to provide, which in turn lowers the drive to procreate, which lowers the drive to have sex. It can also cause mild depression, and the latency is about right, so it could be a matter of low dopamine levels, which lowers testosterone over time. Have a quick blood workup done for testosterone, SHBG and prolactin, if you like.

In the end, though, this answers the question.
The problem is not the porn, but the lack of sex drive.

Health,
al-Aswad.


_____________________________

"If God saw what any of us did that night, he didn't seem to mind.
From then on I knew: God doesn't make the world this way.
We do." -- Rorschack, Watchmen.


(in reply to gwendolyn)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: Porn and men - How much is normal? - 10/19/2007 3:29:26 PM   
simplyeli


Posts: 31
Joined: 4/7/2007
From: Panhandle of Florida
Status: offline 		on a more serious note, i watch a lot of porn myself. it gives me ideas, makes me horny and gives me a release when i choose for it to.
but it DOES NOT replace a human being. no matter how much of a release i can give myself, it can never replace the human touch. human heat, human emotions.
may i make a suggestion? watch the porn...alone at first, if you want, but watch it. then...watch it with him. there may be things he's watching thats he's been fantasizing about and wants to try.
also, if i may...insitgate the sexual encounters.., maybe even act out something on one of his vid's..shock the crap outta him. and let him know that you are willing to do anything for him and that you can give just as good as the ones in the videos.
also...DO NOT take this personally. it DOES NOT mean you are less than...you are what ever you give to yourself.
again...just my opinion...as a submissive and a woman.

_____________________________

"It is what separates us from the beast...our wicked carnal desires" ---DeSade

"The only unnatural sex act is no sex at all." ---Freud

"A halo on a subbie is nothing more than a glorified cockring." ---Hawk



(in reply to simplyeli)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: Porn and men - How much is normal? - 10/19/2007 3:33:14 PM   
gwendolyn


Posts: 188
Joined: 7/19/2005
Status: offline 		Call me dense, but I'm struggling to understand a lack of sex drive with frequent masturbation.

Gwen

_____________________________

Tell me what did you like about me?
And don't say my strength and daring.
'cause now I think I'm at your mercy;
And it's my first time for this kind of thing.

(in reply to Aswad)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: Porn and men - How much is normal? - 10/19/2007 3:35:24 PM   
gwendolyn


Posts: 188
Joined: 7/19/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: simplyeli

on a more serious note, i watch a lot of porn myself. it gives me ideas, makes me horny and gives me a release when i choose for it to.
but it DOES NOT replace a human being. no matter how much of a release i can give myself, it can never replace the human touch. human heat, human emotions.
may i make a suggestion? watch the porn...alone at first, if you want, but watch it. then...watch it with him. there may be things he's watching thats he's been fantasizing about and wants to try.
also, if i may...insitgate the sexual encounters.., maybe even act out something on one of his vid's..shock the crap outta him. and let him know that you are willing to do anything for him and that you can give just as good as the ones in the videos.
also...DO NOT take this personally. it DOES NOT mean you are less than...you are what ever you give to yourself.
again...just my opinion...as a submissive and a woman.


We used to watch porn together. I admit, it was rather hawt! Then one day, no more. Instigating the sex isn't such a good idea. I've tried that. He actually gets mad at me. Snaps, tells me he's tired, I'm too pushy, etc..

_____________________________

Tell me what did you like about me?
And don't say my strength and daring.
'cause now I think I'm at your mercy;
And it's my first time for this kind of thing.

(in reply to simplyeli)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: Porn and men - How much is normal? - 10/19/2007 3:38:29 PM   
slaveaurora


Posts: 157
Joined: 6/30/2006
Status: offline 		gwen,

you have a PM on the other side. 

a~

(in reply to Aswad)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: Porn and men - How much is normal? - 10/19/2007 3:45:12 PM   
Redoubt


Posts: 185
Joined: 8/11/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: gwendolyn

Call me dense, but I'm struggling to understand a lack of sex drive with frequent masturbation.

Gwen


No pressure to perform... pure self gratification / release.

The fact that it's in a D/s setting is cause for concern, after all... you're supposed to be there for his pleasure as a submissive, right? This is not your fault, but it does need to be addressed. What you may be able to do is reinforce his place as master in your life. If youre letting him know the lack of sexual release for you is a problem, you're making him feel more like a failure. You might like to try something suggestive such as asking him if you can watch him enjoy some porn while you lay on the floor and masturbate while watching him, if he's smart, he'll realise half way through that a warm body is much better than a 2-d video. If he doesn't ask permission to be used as a recepticle for his release, or if you may assist in his pleasure... if you're coming across as petulant because you're not getting any, the situation probably won't improve.

Otherwise, you may have to let him figure this out for himself. But to me it sounds like a self confidence issue.

Either way - good luck, its a tough situation to have to face.

(in reply to gwendolyn)
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RE: Porn and men - How much is normal? - 10/19/2007 3:54:18 PM   
bipolarber


Posts: 2792
Joined: 9/25/2004
Status: offline 		It sounds more like he's in a depression, and the porn watching is just an aspect of that. This is going to be a really tough time for you both. He's lost his job, he feels like a loser, and he's pulling away from you because he knows he's going to be a downer. (Warped, yes, but sometimes that's how we depressives think.)

Try getting him to change his routine. Get him out of the house, and doing something constructive. Above all, don't give up on him because of the rough patch. Keep talking to him, and work at him to get out there and find something new for employment.

I suggest you look up some tips on dealing with depressed people, rather than worrying about the porn.

(in reply to Redoubt)
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RE: Porn and men - How much is normal? - 10/19/2007 4:07:06 PM   
Aswad


Posts: 9374
Joined: 4/4/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: gwendolyn

Call me dense, but I'm struggling to understand a lack of sex drive with frequent masturbation.


You are not dense. You just aren't a man. ~lol~

Men tend to masturbate frequently enough that it can become a routine activity, or a habit. That routine/habit persists in the absence of any actual sex drive. Also, men usually distinguish between mere release and actual physical contact and/or intimacy. Masturbation satisfies the former, but not the latter. It feels good. It doesn't take much effort. It doesn't push any big buttons. It's uninvolved. It's simple.

Hope that makes it clearer.

Health,
al-Aswad.


_____________________________

"If God saw what any of us did that night, he didn't seem to mind.
From then on I knew: God doesn't make the world this way.
We do." -- Rorschack, Watchmen.


(in reply to gwendolyn)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: Porn and men - How much is normal? - 10/19/2007 4:09:36 PM   
Aswad


Posts: 9374
Joined: 4/4/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: gwendolyn

Snaps, tells me he's tired, I'm too pushy, etc..


Off topic, but now you know how men feel when women "have a headache."
But in any case, yes... it sounds as if he's withdrawing from contact.
That's the depression, as pointed out by bipolarbear.

I would recommend checking out Manerix or some other activating antidepressant.
Helping him find a job would, of course, be even better.

Health,
al-Aswad.


_____________________________

"If God saw what any of us did that night, he didn't seem to mind.
From then on I knew: God doesn't make the world this way.
We do." -- Rorschack, Watchmen.


(in reply to gwendolyn)
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RE: Porn and men - How much is normal? - 10/19/2007 4:15:11 PM   
Lordandmaster


Posts: 10943
Joined: 6/22/2004
Status: offline 		I look at a hell of a lot of porn, and I sure hope that isn't normal, because it would be awfully boring to be normal.

I wouldn't say that it "interferes" with my sex life though.  I'd say it enhances it.  If it really interferes, then maybe something is wrong.  Why not ask him about it?

quote:

ORIGINAL: gwendolyn

I just want to understand how much porn is normal for a man? And does it normally interfere with a r/l sex life? Any advice or insight would be greatly appreciated.

(in reply to gwendolyn)
Profile   Post #: 20
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