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planomaid -> RE: "service" (10/25/2007 4:05:41 AM)
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This topic almost needs to be divided into two - one covering service in a budding relationship, the other regarding service in an ongoing relationship. The two are quite different, and the focus of the individuals is also different.
Starting out a relationship is hard, whether it be a d/s, maledom/femsub, femdom/malesub, poodle/chihuahua, or sea/ every woman's foot in the world. A relationship requires the investment of time and energy by both parties, and also a healthy dose of trust and respect. It's also something that needs to be 50-50. Yes, I know, "but it's D/s! It's all about the needs of the dom! Screw the submissive's needs" - that's crap. I have yet to meet a person who didn't have the same basic human needs as everyone else. In bdsm we just add a few more to the mix. But we inherently want the same thing. We want participation, feedback, communication, etc. It's not a static thing (hopefully). As someone who is identifies theirself as a submissive, I have no desire to mow someones lawn and then be dismissed with a flick of the hand, as if performing that function should 'be more than enough reward for serving a dom'. Notice I didn't use gender there. Service, or to serve, is about the desire and pleasure one derives from helping and pleasing others. For some it can be a career (waiters for example), for others the reward is less financial and more emotional and/or spiritual. But in any example, a person can only give so much before they have nothing left to give because there was not anything returned. As cloudboy (and others pointed out) I already have a dearth of responsibilities at home, so unless I'm some weird person who has a fetish for mowing lawns (and all my neighbors have restraining orders against me for mowing their lawns to satisfy my mowing fetish), I'm not going to run out and beg to mow some dom's lawn as a way of proving to them I really AM a service submissive! However, I do think it is appropriate to earn the favor of the dom, and so long as their requests are fair and reasonable, and the dom makes the effort to invest their own time and interest in getting to know you as well, then I really do believe that it can be a good place to start. Posting an ad on the internet saying you want to 'serve' someone by sexually pleasing them does not really, IMHO, fall within the domains of service.
The other type of service, where you have already established a relationship, is going to be quite different than the former. This is because you've already gotten past the initial stage of getting to know one another, establishing the baseline or foundation of your relationship, and you are now spending time together because you mutually find something beneficial and rewarding. I tend to think that at this point serving someone becomes easier because there isn't that added pressure of having to prove yourself to them, and also the dom has made the effort to prove theirself to you. It's still a give and take relationship, with the idea that there still must be a flow back and forth between dom and sub. Of course, if you aren't doing this for money, you need some form of 'payment' for your services and time. As much as the fantasy goes, the flick of the hand is still not enough reward. A service submissive still needs something back or else eventually they too will get tired and drained of the 'relationship' and ultimately leave.
I like to think that the majority of dom's out there don't want a mindless automaton wandering around their person doing chores. If so, then they should not portray the relationship as anything other than use - "I am looking for someone to use. You will receive no reward, attention, or emotions from me. Come mow my yard, wash my car and then leave. I do not want to see or interact with you". I seriously doubt that type of ad looking for a person to serve the dom would get much quality responses. Of course it will get some, all ad's do, but the responder is probably not going to be a keeper.
Dom's complain about subs, subs complain about doms. We are all people, we share the same stereotypes, the same everything. It's finding the match that works for YOU that is hard. And it all comes back to the beginning - talking, communication, honesty, and no obfuscation about what your needs and desires truly are. If you have a fetish for mowing lawns and eating grass, then be honest about that. Don't ask to be a sissymaid in the hope that you will be granted the pleasure of mowing the lawn at some point. It's okay to let your interests and desires unfold as time goes by, but in the beginning you need to let the other person know what you hope to get out of the relationship, and what you need in return.
Ta-ta
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