camille65 -> RE: Breaking a sub/slave? (10/26/2007 8:12:41 AM)
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The following is my experience and my views only. Most of the details are left out of this post because it is too personal for me to slap onto a public board. Even though I don't technically know anyone here there are those I respect and like, so I am a wee bit concerned on how it would make me look to tell it all. I was broken. Systemic brainwashing that lasted over 2 years. It was a methodical process that went on 24/7 with no respite. Yes, it was much harsher than what 99% would call 'breaking' I am aware of that but it gives me the ability to really understand what breaking a person entails. This wasn't a fun breaking nor a consentual breaking so that does play an enormous part in both the depth of it and my difficulty in overcoming it. To be broken means to have had my 'self' expunged, every thing from my personal value system to how I relate to others. Being broken, left me with nothing original. All parts replaced. Unable to ken whether I am thinking with my own mind or the process of thinking that was essentially implanted in my mind. An inability to trust, not so much trust in others as it was a trust in myself. Was I acting/thinking on something because it was natural to me or was it due to the years of behaviour modification? When fully broken there is no way to tell. I doubted every single move I made, I questioned the motivation behind it trying to see if it was 'me' or what was pushed into me. Every reaction to something meant I had to dig into myself and try to determine if that reaction was truly from me. If you decide to go down the road of breaking someone, please remember the second part to it. The rebuilding. On the off chance anyone is interested in more of the story, I do have a link to a journal where I did my best to write it out. It's an ugly story and sorry there is no sex involved haha. Dang this was not an easy post for me to write and I've been staring at my words for about half an hour debating whether or not to hit the 'ok' button lol.
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