RE: Dom to release a sub.........(your thoughts)

RE: Dom to release a sub.........(your thoughts) (Full Version)

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crouchingtigress -> RE: Dom to release a sub.........(your thoughts) (10/24/2007 9:21:19 PM)
get a temp??? is it that easy??? just head on out to *subs are us*??? are they on sale or something??? something about your post seems remarkably unkind.

NakedOnMyChain -> RE: Dom to release a sub.........(your thoughts) (10/24/2007 9:29:54 PM)
I agree with what the others have said, but I have this left to ask: Do you really feel it's prudent to talk to a bunch of strangers about this instead of talking to your sub? She's the one who's life this is affecting, not us. Sure, you're the dom, but she's still a person and you should ask her if she is emotionally and physically able to continue your relationship. If she is, I don't see the issue, and by your own admission, there isn't one. If she admits that she's not capable of continuing then you and she have made a responsible decision based on what is best for both of you. Regardless of who's on top, the relationship needs to benefit you both emotionally.

MstrssScarlet -> RE: Dom to release a sub.........(your thoughts) (10/24/2007 10:24:56 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: crouchingtigress get a temp??? is it that easy??? just head on out to *subs are us*??? are they on sale or something??? something about your post seems remarkably unkind. I would have to agree. The only "temporary" subs that I know of are the ones who pay me for their sessions. Mistress Scarlet

chickpea -> RE: Dom to release a sub.........(your thoughts) (10/24/2007 10:55:28 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: ownedgirlie Hi Treasure, Your post conjures some thought... quote: ORIGINAL: TreasureKY In light of the many threads with regard to avoiding subs with "baggage", I'm surprised that no one has considered that the sub in question here might simply be too emotionally clingy and needy for the relationship that was agreed upon. It's entirely possible that with her marriage ending, the sub might simply require more attention than was originally negotiated. It seems as if quite a few doms in these forums have expressed a desire to have drama-free relationships... I would imagine that a sub going through a separation and divorce might possibly be experiencing enough drama to negatively affect the agreed-upon relationship. I was married when I met my Master, and left my marriage soon after (I had emotionally left it years prior). Prior to leaving my marriage, endless conversation occurred between my Master and I, about what that would mean for us. Trust me when I say I was Queen O Baggage and he knew it. But while my Master prefers to be drama-free, he also enjoyed the submission and devotion and service he received from me. Some are willing to invest a bit more effort, others are not. I count my blessings that my Master was willing to invest what he did, and I suppose that influences my thinking when I see situations like this one. quote: There has also been evidence that some doms here have had enough of the institution known as marriage, or are currently married, and because of that make it clear from the beginning that they have no intention of ever making their submissive into their wife... or even cohabitating. It is possible that the submissive has made overt comments or given indications to the OP that with ending her marriage she would then be available to fulfill other more "traditional" roles for him... he might simply be wanting to head off at the pass any such ideas. Also a good point. Before I left my marriage, a lot of our conversations centered around this very topic - that his attentions to me would be on his terms and that I was not leaving the marriage with the hopes of him changing his life and bringing me under his roof. It all goes back to communicating as much as possible in advance. I am grateful he did this, because it warded off a lot of issues that could have come up otherwise. quote: Again, I'm not defending the OP, but I'm not going to jump to the conclusion that his idea of a D/s relationship matches my idea of one... and then condemn him for not living up to my standards. There are people who enjoy casual and emotionally unattached dynamics... we're constantly being reminded of it right here in these forums. I'm just surprised to see so many who preach tolerance for all forms of this "lifestyle" be so judgmental. You make a very good point about holding someone up to our own standards, and I am appreciative of you pointing that out. I think it just surprised me that someone would consider turning away from someone during a terrible time - D/s related or not. None of us knows what their dynamic is, but then he did not clarify that, either, so we can only opine based on our own knowledge base. Your post balances some things out, which is healthy. Still, I can't help but appreciate my Master's presence in my life whenever I see situations like this. Communication and thinking things through, that's great it ended well. Not the easiest thing to deal with.

Twicehappy2x -> RE: Dom to release a sub.........(your thoughts) (10/25/2007 3:40:39 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: dc0785 Hum??? As A DOM, I make the decision. I need her service but I know she needs to resolve other issues before we can resume. I can't imagine not being available for her. Yet, I require service (not just physical but emotional service). As her Dom you have a responsibility to see her through this difficult time. If i was a subbie in her situation and instead of providing loving support to me during this stressful period you released me until i was stable enough to provide you with the service you cannot apparently go without......; Well let's just say we'd be discovering exactly how well your collar fit up your butt. How damn selfish can you get? Sounds to me like you want the fun of having a subbie but nit the work that comes with it.

Kaiynasha -> RE: Dom to release a sub.........(your thoughts) (10/25/2007 4:07:48 AM)
I won't be quoting anyone I don't have time. I don't believe we should be tolerating anything- we should be showing repect to others. So in this case, I am allowed to NOT tolerate this and still show enough respect and saying this was his choice and therefore he should handle it. For me this isn't just about supporting her. It is about the Dom wanting services for the support. Although he isn't saying this, that's what he is saying to me. Anyway, this will just make the problem BIGGER. Leave her alone...and let her handle her business. If she needs support let her see a therapist. And the he can go and have a D/s relationship with someone else. I mean it looks like she will feel used and not feel so much support in this situation anyway. shrugs

goodgirl85 -> RE: Dom to release a sub.........(your thoughts) (10/25/2007 4:16:49 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: TreasureKY Fast reply: Not to defend the OP, but I do find the responses here to be interesting. In light of the many threads with regard to avoiding subs with "baggage", I'm surprised that no one has considered that the sub in question here might simply be too emotionally clingy and needy for the relationship that was agreed upon. It's entirely possible that with her marriage ending, the sub might simply require more attention than was originally negotiated. It seems as if quite a few doms in these forums have expressed a desire to have drama-free relationships... I would imagine that a sub going through a separation and divorce might possibly be experiencing enough drama to negatively affect the agreed-upon relationship. There has also been evidence that some doms here have had enough of the institution known as marriage, or are currently married, and because of that make it clear from the beginning that they have no intention of ever making their submissive into their wife... or even cohabitating. It is possible that the submissive has made overt comments or given indications to the OP that with ending her marriage she would then be available to fulfill other more "traditional" roles for him... he might simply be wanting to head off at the pass any such ideas. Again, I'm not defending the OP, but I'm not going to jump to the conclusion that his idea of a D/s relationship matches my idea of one... and then condemn him for not living up to my standards. There are people who enjoy casual and emotionally unattached dynamics... we're constantly being reminded of it right here in these forums. I'm just surprised to see so many who preach tolerance for all forms of this "lifestyle" be so judgmental. here here nicely said. My thoughts exactly. girl

Cyntilating -> RE: Dom to release a sub.........(your thoughts) (10/25/2007 4:55:57 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: dc0785 Ok...I am a dom. I finally acceptted sub a number of months back. All was discussed and we were compatible. Quickly, however, the playing field changed and her marriage was ending. I explained to her at that point that since the rules have now changed, we need to reconsider the relationship. BUT I don't want to let her go. She I keep her and set her aside with the understanding that when she is stable in a situation I will bring her back AND that I will find a temporary or do I teach her by example and let her know she is released? Hi dc I can read your post 2 ways> You come across as cold-hearted and indecisive. Your ideas of compatibility have changed with the change in her marital status and so you are not sure how she can serve your needs with all the other demands that will be happening to her with these changes, and you want someone else ( cm forum) to make the tough decision for you> to find someone else and release her. OR that you have left some important and vital information out of your post, and you are in a relationship that means something to you , as does the submissive. You are trying to figure out a way to keep the Ds dynamic going so that you do not abandon her but also do not put upon her even more responsibility and demands with your dominance and needs. Having accidently left out the part where she is trying to figure out how to "serve you " and deal with so much else that is changing> and you are struggling with how to make that work effectively as well> and wonder if " letting her go to deal with it all " would be best for her..as well as for you since you are not certain how best to help her. giving you the benefit of the doubt> lets go with the LATER one: I can tell you from personal experience over the last 10 years of being my Masters submissive> Life changes...all the time. If its not one thing, it's another. They all seemed to create the need for our relationship to adjust in varying degrees. The one constant was the strength of the core of who we were/are to one another. The " look" of the relationship, at times, might not even have been what others would call a Ds or Ms relationship. Doesn't matter what anyone other than the two of us felt in our hearts and knew in our minds. It has taken a very strong determined, self-confident & patient man to know exactly what he wanted for himself and for me, to pull us through some of these challenging times. You say your relationship is 2 mos old. That is new. Only you can tell/say how strong what you have is and how important you are to one another already. She will be going through some tough stuff. She will need to either support herself or feel supported, but the consistancy needs to be there....which or who can she count on? herself alone ..or along with you ? make the decision. and then once made..be consistant. what you decide > may "look" like a strong supportive friendship ( someone else posted this idea and its a good one ) . You setting the boundaries about the expectations on both of you in the dynamics of the relationship, but giving her the space and time to sort out the old relationship stuff. Or...it might be much more intense, where she relies much more on your strength and presence to help her with decisions and goal setting.... Or...you part ways, because what has been invested so far is not strong enough to weather the tough stuff..now and later ( because it will change again) that has to be something you two decide together.. how much can you both give during this time...Are you stronger together or individually on your own?...

batshalom -> RE: Dom to release a sub.........(your thoughts) (10/25/2007 5:05:35 AM)
You don't want to let her go. As in ... I want her but I don't want anyone else to have her either? It looks like you have a number of choices really. She is either important enough to keep, she is important enough and willing enough to step aside until her life becomes more manageable for you (and, I assume, her). But the big question is ... what does she want? Is it so very out of line with what you want? If she's a good sub, and if she's compatible with you, sit down and discuss it and decide together. It's what "negotiate" means. As her Dom, you have to give her the freedom to walk away if you can't provide what she wants - the situation hasn't only changed for you but also for her. Her stabilization is gone, sort of, with the end of this marriage. If it's something she needs, and you are unable or unwilling to give it to her, let her find someone else to provide it.

MissMagnolia -> RE: Dom to release a sub.........(your thoughts) (10/25/2007 5:07:52 AM)
If this was a casual or temporary relationship, why did you bother collaring her? To me, collaring is a pretty binding thing and not something you just drop when something goes wrong. Her marriage has ended and I can't imagine it was an overnight decision. You must have been aware of the possibility. Is her being more available to you a bad thing? Is she someone you were simply playing with, with no connection? And will you compound the insult and start with another, temporary, sub? What happens to her if you decide to resume the relationship with the original girl? This is why actual meaning of collaring TO YOU BOTH really needs to be discussed beforehand.

givemyall -> RE: Dom to release a sub.........(your thoughts) (10/25/2007 5:46:40 AM)
I'd say that you are lucky to be in the situation where you can make choices. I think alot of subs would have seen through you and wandered off after sticking the label 'twat' on your head.... but hey, thats just my opinion

meticulousgirl -> RE: Dom to release a sub.........(your thoughts) (10/25/2007 7:03:34 AM)
Ok no offense but that is the most un Masterly thing a Dominant could ever do.....check your ego at the door and learn what being a Master is actually about. Your coming off as a complete player, even the worst of Doms of my opinion wouldn't do something as stupid as what you are trying to say. WTF ~meticulous~

beargonewild -> RE: Dom to release a sub.........(your thoughts) (10/25/2007 7:31:17 AM)
After reading through all the other opinions and going by what little info the OP provided, I find I am in agreement with the majority on this. It's fairly certain the OP knew his sub was having marital difficulties and he continued with the relationship. Maybe the OP should take a long hard look at himself before collaring any subs. From what I see, he has no idea on the concept that a Master/Dom is to cherish their sub instead of using a sub for their own selfish needs. What the OP fails to see is his sub's failing marriage is separate from his relationship with the sub. He states he needs her service, well the sub also needs his service also. She needs his support and for him to be there emotionally, for without that, all the OP and sub have is a parasitic relationship. To me, this smacks of pure shallowness on the Op and the sub wearing blinders.

CreativeDominant -> RE: Dom to release a sub.........(your thoughts) (10/25/2007 7:36:31 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: TreasureKY Thank you, Tempting... and I agree with you whole-heartedly. I would not want a man such as this for my dominant, either. I'll also admit that my initial reaction to the op was similar, as well. However, I know too well that we often make rash judgments because we fill in missing information with our own experience. We don't know the OP and we don't know his situation. Unfortunately in addition to lacking information, his maiden post here was also worded badly and placed him in the worst possible light. Just today a post was made by a respected and well-liked dominant here... it described a situation where he sent home a submissive "to straighten out her life". I hope he'll forgive me for using him as an example, but his post can be read here. In that same post, he describes refusing to take responsibility for actions that had to be his submissive's choice. He did not make any efforts to tell of his care for his submissive... did not clarify that he provided continued emotional support. If this had been his first posting on the forums, I might well have had the same initial thoughts of him as I did with the OP. As it is, I know enough of him to understand without it having to be said that he is not an uncaring or irresponsible dominant. Sometimes things just aren't as they seem at first glance. Of course, sometimes they are. [;)] Nice post, Treasure. I agree with what you and Tempting have had to say about this situation. And since I am the dominant whose post you noted above in the bold part, let me clarify to the others that this IS a perfect example of not knowing everything there is to know. In the post you brought out, I stated exactly what had happened...except about the caring part. I was discussing this situation recently and in discussion of the situation, I was asked whether or not I had released her when I sent her home. The answer is "No". I remained her dominant and was there for emotional support and mental support...guiding her, questioning her as she made decisions but always with the understanding that the choices she chose to make were those she had to live with...including her final choice...to reluctantly go back to her husband and make a life with him for the sake of her children. She still would have preferred that I had forced her to choose me but forcing someone to be mine is not my idea of gaining a happy-with-her-decision submissive. I remained available as a friend if she needed one but her resentment over my lack of "forceful" dominance eventually led to her curtailing contact of me. All that being said, I can look at the OPs post and note some things that I disagree with...especially the part concerning finding a "temporary" to fill HIS emotional and physical needs. Good luck with that, OP.

Guest123 -> RE: Dom to release a sub.........(your thoughts) (10/25/2007 7:39:08 AM)
personally, i think she would be better off without You, ....

dc0785 -> RE: Dom to release a sub.........(your thoughts) (10/25/2007 8:07:08 AM)
I am amazed at the response that this has received. And I have read each and every post. I feel I should fill in the missing information and add in the recent occurance. I am simply trying to make the best decision for my pet. I know as a Dom I make the decision but only after total communication. I neglected to mention that. It really is not all about me. I am trying to do the best for her as well. I don't want to release her. I am really wondering if releasing her would allow her to concentrate on her issues rather than serving me. Does that make sense? She is needing much support and has already stated that when the divorce comes finally that she may start dating. It is one thing to have a sub who is married....it is a totally different thing to have a sub that is now on the market. That is the quandry. Maybe I am selfish and I don't want to share. Sharing with her husband so to speak was a given at the start. NOW THE PLAYING FIELD HAS CHANGED. Keep the thoughts coming. This is obviously a hot topic. DC

dc0785 -> RE: Dom to release a sub.........(your thoughts) (10/25/2007 8:14:55 AM)
Cintalating said: that you have left some important and vital information out of your post, and you are in a relationship that means something to you , as does the submissive. You are trying to figure out a way to keep the Ds dynamic going so that you do not abandon her but also do not put upon her even more responsibility and demands with your dominance and needs. Having accidently left out the part where she is trying to figure out how to "serve you " and deal with so much else that is changing> and you are struggling with how to make that work effectively as well> and wonder if " letting her go to deal with it all " would be best for her..as well as for you since you are not certain how best to help her. I think you hit the nail on the head. I adore my sub and want nothing but the best for her. If the best is to let her go then that is what I shall do. She and I are to discuss this later today. I will keep you all posted. And thanks for all the responses. I am sorry for not putting in all of the information but some things need to be left unsaid.

AquaticSub -> RE: Dom to release a sub.........(your thoughts) (10/25/2007 8:22:11 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: dc0785 I am really wondering if releasing her would allow her to concentrate on her issues rather than serving me. Does that make sense? It makes sense, though my gut reaction is that she will be more hurt by the release then any good it will do her. You can halt or pause the d/s dynamic without releasing her. quote: She is needing much support and has already stated that when the divorce comes finally that she may start dating. It is one thing to have a sub who is married....it is a totally different thing to have a sub that is now on the market. That is the quandry. Maybe I am selfish and I don't want to share. Sharing with her husband so to speak was a given at the start. NOW THE PLAYING FIELD HAS CHANGED. The playing field has changed in that she might find a partner who doesn't want to share and, to her, is worth not being with you anymore or someone who will occupy the roles of partner and dominant? Or are you concerned that she won't cancel dates if you want her and that she will put the others above you? Since you had no problem sharing her with her husband, these are my only guesses as to how it is has changed. It doesn't make a lot of sense to me because if you enjoy her service, don't want to release her and don't want to share her.. why not just date her yourself?

apiercedkitty -> RE: Dom to release a sub.........(your thoughts) (10/25/2007 8:34:33 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: dc0785 I am amazed at the response that this has received. And I have read each and every post. I feel I should fill in the missing information and add in the recent occurance. I am simply trying to make the best decision for my pet. I know as a Dom I make the decision but only after total communication. I neglected to mention that. It really is not all about me. I am trying to do the best for her as well. I don't want to release her. I am really wondering if releasing her would allow her to concentrate on her issues rather than serving me. Does that make sense? She is needing much support and has already stated that when the divorce comes finally that she may start dating. It is one thing to have a sub who is married....it is a totally different thing to have a sub that is now on the market. That is the quandry. Maybe I am selfish and I don't want to share. Sharing with her husband so to speak was a given at the start. NOW THE PLAYING FIELD HAS CHANGED. Keep the thoughts coming. This is obviously a hot topic. DC Ok... i'm still not feeling all warm and fuzzy about this whole situation. Especially since i perved Your profile and found this... and hope to meet someone special. Sounds very much to me like You have every intention of releasing her...IMHO, i think it would be best for her to be released if You're already in search of someone to fill her shoes anyway. None of us subs wants to think we're that easily replaced. i still stand by my original thoughts - if You care about her, You will put all activities on hold (read as... put YOUR needs on hold) and be there for her - to hold her, to support her, and to give her someone she knows she can count on. As someone who went thru a devastating divorce, i can attest to the importance of those things. When all is said and done, she still has the choice to continue the relationship or to move on - and then You will know You have done Your best for her.

sammiebabygirl -> RE: Dom to release a sub.........(your thoughts) (10/25/2007 8:47:50 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: dc0785 Hum??? As A DOM, I make the decision. However, as an actual caring Dom, As a caring Dom, you have the right to make the decision to let your sub decide whether she wants/needs to be released. jen

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