MemphisDsCouple
Posts: 146
Joined: 11/1/2004
From: Memphis, TN, USA
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Abuse: A Proactive Approach To Helping The Abused
Introduction
When I was a small boy I went to live with my aunt and uncle (on my father's side) in a small rural town. (I don't remember the age exactly but we'll say I was four years old.) My father's family was a large country family and he was the youngest of four sisters, four brothers and one or two siblings who died either at birth or very young. (It's kind of a morbid point so I never dug into the details of his siblings who were lost while still young.) His sister, my aunt, with whom I went to live for a time as a small boy, was the eldest child. So, there was a wide enough age difference so that she could have been my father's mother, and indeed I think he saw her as motherly in many ways. And, agewise, she could easily have been my grandmother. Indeed, I came to think of her as something of a mother and grandmother. Likewise, I grew to regard her husband, my uncle, as more of a father and grandfather. Their children, my cousins, were only a very few years younger than my father. None of these people are still with me in this world.
My aunt and uncle were exceptionally wise people. They were honest to a fault. Over the course of their lives they had honed that very rare and valuable trait, common sense, to a razor's edge. I was fortunate beyond any reasonable expectation to have been in their care, even for a short while, during a formative period in my life. They instilled in me a passion for honesty, forthrightness and just plain common sense in a way I would never have found anywhere else in the world. In my life, I have met no finer people, and no couple that more embodied the ideals of teamwork and family solidarity. And I have met no people who had a greater sense of the importance of integrity and common sense. (If that sounds to you like the ideal d/s family, I will concur with your opinion.)
To my great good fortune, my uncle was something of a story teller. (I would feel immeasurably honored and humble if I take after him in this way.) Of course, his stories *always* had a moral. And I never tired of hearing his stories. My aunt bought children's books for me and would read them to me. The books she bought and the stories she read *always* had a moral. And I never tired of her reading them to me. One book she bought for me and read to me repeatedly was the story of "Chicken Little". I googled it and this was one of the first entries that popped up:
http://www.edsanders.com/chickenlittle/
I hope you enjoy reading it as much as I enjoyed rereading it.
Remember, this was a rural town, many years ago. A medium large shade tree grew off the front left corner of the house where the front porch was. At the end of the day, after my uncle came home from work, and after dinner, a story he often told to me while he sat on the screened porch smoking his pipe with me in his lap is the story of "The Boy Who Cried Wolf". Later of course, I learned that story is age-old, one of Aesop's Fables. How fortunate a child I was! Learning the classics on my uncle's knee. You can read that story here:
http://www.storyarts.org/library/aesops/stories/boy.html
I hope you enjoy it as much as I do.
The reason these allegorical stories have survived the ages, have been passed from one generation to the next by word of mouth, is that they represent and teach lessons about human nature. Had these allegories been based on false pretenses they would have died the unheralded death of the forgotten untruth centuries ago.
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The Abuse of Chicken Little (The Problem of Imprecision of Definition)
I do value dictionaries. I refer to them often. Not only do they teach correct spelling, they are also great tools to help us focus our thoughts, achieve clarity of concept and to resolve seeming, and often distracting but false contradictions. In the case of "The A-Word", consulting dictionaries, I find their reference helpful in the present discussions in still another way. Namely, the variety and imprecision of the accepted definitions of "abuse" is, in itself, an example of part of the problem with the term "Abuse" as it has been used in discussions here on cm. When you read the examples of definitions cited in the footnote (1) below, I think you will see what I mean.
Because abuse has so many meanings and so many accepted uses, it becomes useless for precise communication. If I abuse one of my hand tools (use it improperly, even in a way harmful to the tool) it is no big deal. But, I have committed the "sin", if I may call it that, of "Abuse". Similarly, if I owned a slave whose expertise, training and temperament were best suited to use as a Victorian maid, and I instructed her to serve as a pleasure slave, or as a kitchen slave, a definitionally valid argument could be made that I was "abusing" that slave. Frankly, I could not argue with either the usage or the definition employed and would have to admit to being guilty as so accused.
But! What I would say to the speaker is that "The A-Word" is much too much of a "loaded" word to be used to describe the way I was treating my slave. "Abuse" also has the meaning of doing serious harm to a person. It is too easy to use that term (correctly) to describe the way I would be treating my slave in my hypothetical example, and at the same time *imply* I was doing something reprehensible. Therefore, I would ask the person describing my treatment of my slave to choose another term.
Abuse, definitionally, when performed in its harshest form is *actionable*. By actionable, I mean that abusing someone else as hard as one can with a baseball bat is an actionable act. This degree of abuse justifies action by the abused in terms of self defense, probably even to the point of deadly force if need be. This degree of abuse justifies intervention by society in the form of our legal and peace keeping governmental arms, ie., police, attorneys, judges, social workers and so on.
So, we can see that there exists what I will call "Actionable Abuse", and then there is other abuse, "abuse-within-a-broad-definition-of-abuse". When we start talking about people who have been "abused", these two classes of "The A-Word" are two very different animals. And, making a distinction is very important. Unfortunately for the credibility of those who have suffered Actionable Abuse, the people they talk to have often become so inured to widespread claims of "Abuse" by those claiming abuse-within-a-broad-definition-of-abuse, that the claims of the sufferers of Actionable Abuse are usually discounted.
It should seem obvious to the life-experienced reader that the two definitionally correct, but fundamentally different examples of abuse I have defined should not be confused. But sadly, many many people *do* in fact confuse, intermingle in the same context, and fail to differentiate between Actionable Abuse and abuse-within-a-broad-definition-of-abuse.
In my observation, the sort of definitionally correct, but emotionally and factually misleading usage of "The A-Word" described immediately above is common. Chicken Little did, in fact, get hit in the head. The problem was though, Chicken Little incorrectly claimed the sky was falling. Many people do experience abuse-within-a-broad-definition-of-abuse. Far fewer experience Actionable Abuse that is worthy of society's attention.
The biggest Abusers are right here among us! Abuse of the term "Abuse" only ends up Abusing the truly Abused.
Chicken Little's Friends (May I Come With You? Oh My!)
As in the children's parable, the loudest and most numerous voices we hear on the topic of Abuse are not from the Actionably Abused themselves, rather we hear loudest and longest from those who learn of instances of Abuse second-hand. When they propound about "The A-Word", their imaginations, fed by their own nightmares, are unleashed, often to the point of absurdity. Having, perhaps, once witnessed a case of Actionable Abuse, any claim or complaint by a fellow sister (Chicken Little's friends are usually women) (see footnote (2)) is immediately and unquestioningly given the status of the gospel in terms of veracity on one hand, and repeated with the liberality of a folk tale, freely expounded upon and embellished on the other hand. There are names for this phenomenon. It is called mass hysteria, group hysteria, collective hysteria, and so on. It is a witch hunt. It is not uncommon. In fact, it is so common that psychology professionals are themselves guilty of this hysteria, finding abuse where there is none. Below, I cite two articles about that very problem from "Psychology Today":
http://cms.psychologytoday.com/articles/pto-19930101-000007.html
As the writer of the article says, after belittling the word "Abuse" through fictional or over use, "the genuine victims of abuse have a tougher time persuading others to believe their charges."
Here's another article about the damage the fanatics do when they address the topic of "Abuse".
http://cms.psychologytoday.com/articles/pto-19941101-000030.html
The author says, "Many therapists who 'find' forgotten incest are merely immature, inexperienced, and working through their distrust and paranoid fantasies about men, parents, or family life that should be the subject of their own therapy, not their clients'."
And I say to my readers that the exact same thing holds true for the fanatics among us who find "Abuse" in any and every thing and rant and rave about the rampant "Abuse" in the world and men around us. It is their own inner problems coming to the surface.
The biggest Abusers are right here among us! Abuse of the term "Abuse" only ends up Abusing the truly Abused.
The Girls Who Cry Wolf
Oh! Chicken Little and Chicken Little's Friends make it easy for the Girls Who Cry Wolf!
Why has Aesop's fable endured for thousands of years? Because it illustrates a truth about human nature. If anyone is worse for the truly abused, if anyone is the enemy of battered women, it is The Girls Who Cry Wolf! Out of anger, spite, fear, desire for attention and more selfish "reasons" than I can list, some women fabricate "Abuse" from whole cloth. Or, probably more often, "Abuse" is claimed with a shred of truth but the whole story is not given. Significant details that make all the difference are withheld. "He came to my home and would not leave when I asked him to." In their home town, "he" has told their mutual friends that she was so angry she hid his car keys. Face to face, asking "Why wouldn't he leave?" works a lot better than here on the internet. A reply of "He just wouldn't" sounds as fishy as it later turns out to be. Or, "He hit me", upon investigation turns out to be they *both* became angry, fought and hit each other.
I want to be clear that I am not condoning couples physically fighting. Nor am I condoning men striking women even in cases of extreme provocation and/or self defense. But I will say this: People are human. Couples argue. Some couples strike each other. Both men and women. And while regrettable and even reprehensible, this is not "Abuse" in the sense that Chicken Little and Chicken Little's Friends would have us believe.
The internet is an excellent stomping ground for these Girls Who Cry Wolf. No one knows them. No one knows the truth. Anything can be said with a straight face for no one can see anyone else's face. In their home towns, however, someone often knows the truth. So, I think they often turn to the internet.
The biggest Abusers are right here among us! Abuse of the term "Abuse" only ends up Abusing the truly Abused.
The Completely Ridiculous
Beyond Chicken Little, Beyond Chicken Little's Friends, Beyond even The Girls Who Cry Wolf, in more than one place on cm's boards I have read women who referred to "Abuse" via PM, IM and email! OMG! If it weren't such a serious topic, you'd have to laugh! And someone writing: Look at all the *trolls* out there! Think how many *Abusers* must be among all those trolls!
People, I say to you: If you care about the truly abused women in this society, if you care about the battered women who are going to need some credibility - you gotta say something when someone starts this kind of ridiculous rant.
Credibility: The Biggest Problem Abused Women Face Today
One young woman wrote what she called her "first flame" directed at me. Her profile says she is 18. When I was 18, there were few, if any, battered women's shelters. Women had to show cause to get a divorce. Police had no sensitivity training. Rape crisis centers had yet to be imagined. And so on.
That was yesterday. Today's problem is different. Today, the young woman who wrote vituperatively to me here on cm's board is part of the biggest problem battered women have. Namely, credibility. Until we, this young woman's peers, stand up and be counted among those who oppose "Abuse" hysteria, she and others like her will continue to make it difficult or even impossible for battered women and victims of domestic violence to benefit from the quick and comprehensive credibility they need to set the wheels in motion of the institutions that have been founded since the '60's and '70's, the institutions and policies that are designed to help these women in distress.
The biggest Abusers are right here among us! Abuse of the term "Abuse" only ends up Abusing the truly Abused.
Abuse Is A Serious Problem
Battering, domestic violence, stalking, abduction, rape and more, are real. These are serious problems. Each moral person among us will rise in any way he or she can to fight and work toward the goal of diminishing these problems as well as aiding and supporting the victims of these heinous acts.
Rape crisis centers, battered women's shelters, halfway houses, professional counselors, police sensitivity training and more are in place today because in the past, people, prominently including the activists of the '60's and 70's, my generation, and me individually included in that, spoke out on these issues and demanded social change and progress toward addressing these (and other) unacceptable social injustices.
Are things better than they were? Yes. Is the work to right these wrongs completed? No. Do we all need to keep working to right these wrongs? Yes.
From my experience as a grass roots activist, I say to the reader: The changes for the better in our society come almost exclusively through public awareness and support. One voice is lost to the wind. The sound of thousands of voices speaking in unison is usually heard. And, one of the first and best contributions we can make toward increasing public awareness, sympathy and support for any issue is to cull the chaff from the wheat. Separate the hysteria from the reality. When we present a case of straw it soon collapses. When we turn our attention and our energies to real, demonstrable problems we can often gain widespread support and solidarity of purpose. Following that, we can expect to see significant change to the status quo. In short, by decreasing "Abuse" hysteria we can focus society's attention on the real problems women have that do need to be addressed.
The biggest Abusers are right here among us! Abuse of the term "Abuse" only ends up Abusing the truly Abused.
Abuse Hysteria In D/S And S&M
As we have discussed in prior threads on this discussion board, many of the things we do in d/s and in s&m are technically illegal. While our neighbors and the authorities mostly turn a blind eye to wiitwd, excessive "Abuse" hysteria could easily turn that blind eye into an over zealous persecution of bdsm'ers. I'm confident there are plenty of people out there just itching for the chance to persecute us!
A Call To Action
If the reader really cares about the plight of women who are the victims of battery and domestic violence, I send out a call to arms! Empower these women with the credibility they need! Stand up against "Abuse" hysteria.
But be forewarned! In his article ( http://cms.psychologytoday.com/articles/pto-19941101-000030.html ) Dr. Frank tells us about his experience when he spoke out against the fanatical "Abuse" witch hunters within his profession. It was not pleasant for him. I have been the target of insult here on cm for pointing out the over use of "Abuse". You will need courage to help these battered women attain credibility by standing up to the fanatics who see "Abuse" in every pair of trousers. So be forewarned. Join me only if you have the courage.
The biggest Abusers are right here among us! Abuse of the term "Abuse" only ends up Abusing the truly Abused.
---Footnotes---
(1)
Cambridge.org informs us: abuse: noun bad or cruel treatment of a person or animal, or the use of something in an unsuitable or wrong way (found here: http://dictionary.cambridge.org/define.asp?key=abuse*1+0&dict=A )
Oxford informs us: abuse: noun 1 the improper use of something. 2 cruel and violent treatment, especially sexual assault. 3 insulting and offensive language. (found here: http://www.askoxford.com/concise_oed/abuse?view=uk )
And Webster's informs us: abuse:
1 : a corrupt practice or custom
2 : improper or excessive use or treatment : MISUSE <drug abuse>
3 obsolete : a deceitful act : DECEPTION
4 : language that condemns or vilifies usually unjustly, intemperately, and angrily
5 : physical maltreatment
(2)
A caveat: Although most of the people who damage the credibility of the truly abused women among us by "Abuse" hysteria and over use of the term "Abuse" are themselves women, by no means is it my intent to imply that all men are without blame in this. When and where you encounter a man who follows this destructive pattern of "Abuse" hysteria, I mean all that I have written here to apply to him as well.
Postscript:
You are welcome to print or save this post for your own use. Please do not copy it to any public or semi-public forum (including email groups/lists) without my express permission. Thanks. All rights reserved. (I write this postscript because after-the-fact someone wrote to me to inform me that they had copied a prior post I wrote to another list. So, I thought I'd better clarify what my preference/policy is regarding use of what I write.)
B. (the male half of MemphisDsCouple)
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