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RE: Deeper Commitment ? - 10/29/2007 7:14:15 PM

IrishMist

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quote:

I think what happens is that we confuse lifestyle with other elements of a relationship. In other words, it is not so much the lifestyle we choose, as the way we choose to conduct our relationships.

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quote:

Part of the confusion, I think comes from the fact that for many of us, (not all) are more committed to this type of relationship because it fulfills us, and satisfies us like no vanilla relationship would. Because we value it more, we work harder at it. Then we say “Wow, these D/s relationships are…” Harder, deeper, etc. The reality is that we choose to work harder, communicate better, develop more trust.

Now, if you had said this in your communication thread; I would not have had any issues

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RE: Deeper Commitment ? - 10/29/2007 8:47:24 PM

Celeste43

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Anyone who says she believed everything was wonderful while her partner was deeply unhappy obviously does not have the greatest of relationship skills. I suggested some ways she could learn to improve them so she isn't back here in six months wailing and gnashing her teeth all over again. And I think most people have less than superb relationship skills, whether here or elsewhere. Otherwise why is the divorce rate so high?

However I assume from your response that your relationship skills must be one of the rare few naturally perfect ones. That you have been in a stable relationship with your first boyfriend and have been together now many years, always working things out without any resentment or lasting anger.

Care to share the details of how long you've been with him and how you came full blown almost from birth with these superb skills? I'm sure others would only benefit from your wisdom.

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RE: Deeper Commitment ? - 10/29/2007 9:10:05 PM

TemptingNviceSub

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To the OP..no..it is not more than any other..but of course a lot of us like to feel it is more and special, because we all like to think ....we .....are more and special....and thats not a bad thing either..:0)...Tempting

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RE: Deeper Commitment ? - 10/29/2007 9:21:34 PM

Kana

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The level of intimacy a relationship is capable of having is based upon how much each party is willing to give of themselves emotionally. It should not be unilateral but a pairing. To say that a BDSM relationship is more intimate depends upon the dynamic of the relationship between the parties involved. I have been in serious committed bound relationships that were based purely on the power dynamic with little emotional attachment involved.There are more than a few people running around here who want little emotional attachment but seek service alone. On the other hand at times in my life I have been in committed and deeply intimate relationships that contained zero power dynamic but were rooted in intimacy.
Does a BDSM relationship involve levels of trust, interaction and inner resources that are often not plumbed in many normal relattionships, of course. It is the nature of the dynamic. But at the same time there are many vanilla relationships that are based in depths of emtion many people could not fathom. Just because BDSM involves ownership and obedience does not define it as intimate.It is a mistake to connect intimacy with BDSM. Despite the fact that they may intertwin occasionally, the can also be mutually independant ideas.

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RE: Deeper Commitment ? - 10/29/2007 9:54:25 PM

ownedgirlie

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I used to be of the opinion that an M/s relationship surely must be deeper than a non M/s one...shouldn't it? And then I learned that is not necessarily so, as others have said. My M/s relationship is deeper than any of the "vanilla" relationships I have had, including my 20 year marriage. But I believe as others have said - it depends on the people in the relationship, and what they choose or are able to bring to it. It certainly can be deeper for them...then again it certainly may not be.

How's that for a clear answer? :)

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RE: Deeper Commitment ? - 10/29/2007 10:07:54 PM

BitaTruble

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quote:

ORIGINAL: PryderiLoup

Part of the confusion, I think comes from the fact that for many of us, (not all) are more committed to this type of relationship because it fulfills us, and satisfies us like no vanilla relationship would. Because we value it more, we work harder at it. Then we say “Wow, these D/s relationships are…” Harder, deeper, etc. The reality is that we choose to work harder, communicate better, develop more trust.

I just love it when I stumble across little gems. Very astute. :)

Celeste

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RE: Deeper Commitment ? - 10/29/2007 11:42:40 PM

MasterFireMaam

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Yes, for me, there is a deeper connection. I never felt that it was part of my spiritual path to be married. It is, however, part of it to own others.

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RE: Deeper Commitment ? - 10/29/2007 11:48:09 PM

exogenous

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Celeste43

Anyone who says she believed everything was wonderful while her partner was deeply unhappy obviously does not have the greatest of relationship skills. I suggested some ways she could learn to improve them so she isn't back here in six months wailing and gnashing her teeth all over again. And I think most people have less than superb relationship skills, whether here or elsewhere. Otherwise why is the divorce rate so high?

However I assume from your response that your relationship skills must be one of the rare few naturally perfect ones. That you have been in a stable relationship with your first boyfriend and have been together now many years, always working things out without any resentment or lasting anger.

Care to share the details of how long you've been with him and how you came full blown almost from birth with these superb skills? I'm sure others would only benefit from your wisdom.

Wow, where did you come up with this? Am I missing something because I didn't read anything in reference to what you are stating from her simple question "Do You find this lifestyle touches a deeper level of commitment then say a marriage? Offering oneself completely for another to own? Hmmmmmm that word OWN seems to change everything........ "

In a later post the OP states "The reason I asked is because some Masters say it is a closer bond and others do not...... "

I whole-heartedly agree with what Rover wrote, "As has been stated previously, if you're more compatible with an ownership dynamic than marriage, it's likely that it will work "better" for you (completely subjective to the individual). I'm not prepared to say that means a "deeper" commitment... moreso a more compatible dynamic in which to successfully express that commitment on a longterm basis."

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RE: Deeper Commitment ? - 10/30/2007 2:26:00 AM

PryderiLoup

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quote:

Now, if you had said this in your communication thread; I would not have had any issues

Well, I did not believe it, then.

I am here to learn and grow.

Thank you for the nice response.

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RE: Deeper Commitment ? - 10/30/2007 2:29:15 AM

PryderiLoup

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quote:

I just love it when I stumble across little gems. Very astute. :)

Celeste

Thank you Bita. It means a lot coming from you.

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RE: Deeper Commitment ? - 10/30/2007 4:34:35 AM

IrishMist

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quote:

ORIGINAL: PryderiLoup

quote:

Now, if you had said this in your communication thread; I would not have had any issues

Well, I did not believe it, then. I am here to learn and grow.

Thank you for the nice response.

That may be

, but what you said there shows a depth of understanding that was not gotten over night. You still said the same thing, but you examined the why of it and came out with an understanding that many of us never come to. Like Celeste said; its a gem.

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RE: Deeper Commitment ? - 10/30/2007 6:25:17 AM

meticulousgirl

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i believe that in different ways both vanilla and lifestyle relationships are equally the same in this context. Relationships in general are made up of give and take when it comes to a variety of issues, in both cases there is a sense of care if not love, strengths, weaknesses and fears as well as many other things that make a relationship what it is. Just like there isn't a right way to participate in this lifestyle, i dont think there needs to be a debate on what is stronger regarding the indepthness of our feelings, or commitments.

~meticulous~

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RE: Deeper Commitment ? - 10/30/2007 11:08:45 AM

Viridana

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quote:

ORIGINAL: silentfire

Do You find this lifestyle touches a deeper level of commitment then say a marriage?

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RE: Deeper Commitment ? - 10/30/2007 12:13:12 PM

slavemaia

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quote:

ORIGINAL: silentfire

Do You find this lifestyle touches a deeper level of commitment then say a marriage? Offering oneself completely for another to own? Hmmmmmm that word OWN seems to change everything........

This, like many questions i see on here, depends on the individuals. i don't think there's any "one answer fits all". Does it touch a deeper level of commitment for you? That, i think, is what's important.

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RE: Deeper Commitment ? - 10/30/2007 7:08:21 PM

Squeakers

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For me 'owned' is a trigger word that just makes me gush---not in a romantic way, more like a sexual way.
I used to think that the bonds of D/s were much deeper than that of any other relationship because I felt there must be more trust, more communication, more openness---but I sincerely think that trust, communication and openness are important in any committed loving relationship and to make a loving committed relationship work, these elements must exsist.
I guess I have gotten to a point in my life where although I love the D/s dynamic, I love embracing my masochistic side, if there came a point in my life where I had to choose the partner over D/s and masochism, I would have to choose the partner.   Maybe it is because I think too far into the future.    I often wonder what life will be like in 30 years.   Will my body respond to a caning as it does now, will I physically be able to kneel, will I be able to get my tired old ass out of the bed and make coffee even?   Will he be able to cane me with the force he does now, will his penis still work, will he even want the damn cup of coffee?   Maybe in 30 years the desire will no longer be there for the D/s dynamic perhaps BD/SM will not longer physically be possible, I can not predict that.  But that were to be the case, I can still see myself content with just being able enjoy that vanilla part that encompasses a great deal of our relationship.

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RE: Deeper Commitment ? - 10/31/2007 9:39:31 AM

CelticPrince

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silent,

there is no question in my mind that a deeper level is reached or to put it another way; must be reached to sustain the relationship.
Valilla has it expectancies which of course is fine since that represent such a large part of society
But within the D/s relationship the elements of trust, honor respect work both sides of the slash.
For a submissive to allow her "D" to "use" her/him for his/her pleasure but in a manner that pleases the "s" simply requires a deeper connection that transends vanilla.

CP

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RE: Deeper Commitment ? - 10/31/2007 10:28:06 AM

breatheasone

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quote:

ORIGINAL: silentfire

Do You find this lifestyle touches a deeper level of commitment then say a marriage? Offering oneself completely for another to own? Hmmmmmm that word OWN seems to change everything........

Yes....TO ME, the above could be made into a statement.

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RE: Deeper Commitment ? - 10/31/2007 1:46:31 PM

Gwynvyd

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I think it depends on the couple, and what dynamic they have in thier relationship be it one on paper of a marriage.. or a D/s one. I have seen marriages that are a wreck... and I have seen D/s relationships that I wonder how they get on.

Every relationship ( no matter what flavor or type it is...) is different. Nothing is written in stone. We are each of us given free will. We can back out of a bad marriage, give a collar back, or dismiss someone.

It takes all parties in any given realtionship working hard each and every day to maintain that realtionship. In the end if your needs are not being met... then it may not be a good realtionship or need some tweaking.

Some people are very very Pro Marriage... ( as we have seen ) I dont think the peice of paper makes someone one bit more loving or committed. It gives legal rights.. and is important. I think every one should be allowed those legal protections.. but as to someone with that peice of paper being more commited I dont think so. I know people who have lived together with out the document for decades doing all of the same things.. and were just as commited as those with it. It was thier bond and fulfilment in each other that kept them together.

Just my two ducats.. keep the change.

Gwyn

< Message edited by Gwynvyd -- 10/31/2007 1:47:55 PM >

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