quote:

ORIGINAL: RRafe

Why do you think this sort of thing happens?

What could possibly cause someone who claims submission,to want such control over the one he or she supposedly wishes to surrender to?

quote:

ORIGINAL: Squeakers

quote:

ORIGINAL: RRafe

Why do you think this sort of thing happens?

What could possibly cause someone who claims submission,to want such control over the one he or she supposedly wishes to surrender to?

Cool thought provoking question.  
    My personal feeling is, in order to control another person or to give control to another person you must have mastered control over yourself.    As a submissive, I enjoy the concept of giving up control to another but honestly I feel that I have the ultimate control.   If he says, Squeakers get in the corner, I can either walk over and stand in the corner or I can keep my feet planted firmly where they are at.   Knowing that I have control over my own actions, lessens my fear of turning control over to him.    There was a time in my life when I did not have control over my own actions, and I sincerely found myself trying to control him simply out of fear that if he asked me to do something that I was sincerely afraid to do or went against my better judgement, I'd be forced to do so simply because I lacked the control to say, "Umm no I am not doing that."     I think for me, the fact that I lacked control over me, really caused so much fear that I simply could not hand over control to anyone else, and because deep down I needed control over something, I'd try to control him or the situation.   Once I mastered control over myself, I learned, what I could control and what I could not.   I could not control what he was going to ask of me, the only thing I could control was my reaction to the command.   
    I think in going along with that is trust, trust in his command and trust in my reaction.       Time, communication and openness with each other, predicts his command and my reaction.   If he says, Squeakers go stand in the corner, I'll walk over and get in the corner.   He knows this.   If he says, "Squeakers, take this gun, walk down to the local liquor store, demand the cash in the register and shoot to kill if that old fart doesn't comply."   He know my reaction is going to be, "What kinda drugs are you smoking?   I am going to bed."    It is it something somewhere in between and I am not sure, he knows, I will say, "I am not comfortable with this, can we discuss it?"    Depending on my reaction to it during that conversation, he will ultimately decide whether I will do it or not and because I trust, I have no problems, obeying if that is his wish.  
    I hope that made sense---it's late and I should have been in bed an hour ago.
    

quote:

ORIGINAL: applecandy
As much as I may get flamed for saying this, I think most (if not all) Dom/mes should at least attempt to submit to someone else - to fully experience what they're doing to someone else. It takes a special spirit to properly give up control as completely as what's being spoken on here.

quote:

ORIGINAL: applecandy

You may be the only one that took my point, RRafe.

As much as I may get flamed for saying this, I think most (if not all) Dom/mes should at least attempt to submit to someone else - to fully experience what they're doing to someone else. It takes a special spirit to properly give up control as completely as what's being spoken on here.

Patience is a necessity - from both sides - as well as communication with both each other and with the self. It's not fair to venture into a relationship like this - or any relationship, for that matter - without a damned good grip on your own psyche or the explicit understanding of other conditions.

Some subs don't want full domination. I know I don't want to break in a new relationship with a Dom OR a sub at this point. That doesn't, however, keep me from enjoying the play within very specific boundaries. If I do find someone with whom I'm comfortable enough to play, it will be on my terms, even though I'll most likely bottom. It's just that kind of situation.

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ORIGINAL: applecandy

Exactly. Both of my current relationships came out of left field. I'd known my main sweetie for years and never had an inkling that he was kinky - though looking back, I should've. *grin* He's the main reason I've explored my Domme side at all, and the same is true for him. We switch like crazy - because that works for us.

As a sub, though, I trust him to know my boundaries and push them at a reasonable pace. He's already gotten me to do things I'd never even THOUGHT about doing with anyone else, and it's because he knows where the limits lie. He also trusts me to call when I do get too uncomfortable with something - we would both rather stop a scene briefly than push too hard. Better to play it safe and take our time than to rush it and damage the relationship, right? Your Domme made that mistake.

No Dom/me should ever take themselves so seriously as to think that they have the right to steamroll a submissive's limits. If you would like to push them a bit, maybe expand their horizons, it has to be with their consent - which means they have to trust that you'll be reasonable and patient with them on that front. Could it be possible that the Dom/mes are pushing too hard too fast, and expecting too much from a new sub?

quote:

ORIGINAL: RRafe


If a sub really desires a place in which she can express her submission........How can she aid her partner in helping that to come to pass?

Without becoming the Dom herself?

quote:

ORIGINAL: RRafe

Why do you think this sort of thing happens?

What could possibly cause someone who claims submission,to want such control over the one he or she supposedly wishes to surrender to?

quote:

ORIGINAL: RRafe

Why do you think this sort of thing happens?

What could possibly cause someone who claims submission,to want such control over the one he or she supposedly wishes to surrender to?

quote:

ORIGINAL: RRafe

I know that life will always entail compromises to make things work. But everyone can't be totally happy with everything-all of the time. Sacrifices have to be made. If you back off TOO far from someone throwing a tantrum-they will learn to use it as a lever.

Soon, you find yourself living on the other side of the room from where you began. I have seen subs push before-but if they keep pushing, and nothing ever pushes back, or feels too solid to move-the respect goes to hell in a hand basket.

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"To learn the art of submission a slave must first give up the desires that drew him to submission in the first place." Mistress Jasmyn Jan 2005.