Padriag
Posts: 2633
Joined: 3/30/2005
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ORIGINAL: LilyOR
Hi.
I recently ended a wonderful, loving relationship with a man whom I adore
First things first, my condolences, breaking up with someone you care for always hurts.
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He is 42, I am 36. We both have the same long term goals. Compatability, chemistry were there strongly between us. The breakup involved tears and sadness for both of us.
Alright so from your remarks so far it sounds like you had high expectations for this relationship. That is, you saw it as something that could last long term and provide you with a lot of happiness. There's nothing wrong with that, its healthy to want a relationship that is fulfilling. What I would like you to keep in mind is simply this, these were your expectations for the relationship, they were not his, and that's the rub.
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He told me that he hasn't been in love since his mid 20's, and he has major committment phobias.
Take that at face value, it sounds like he's being honest with you. He does need counseling for this. Something happened in his mid 20's that hurt him deeply enough he is no longer willing to risk opening up to someone else. As long as he does not allow himself to love others, then he can't be hurt, he's emotionally invulnerable. Its a defense born of fear. There may have been several other incidents prior to that, but the key event happened in his 20s and I would bet he knows exactly what it was. But don't you take any of it personally, his refusal to love has nothing to do with you, this is something from his past.
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Now, it's been a couple months and he's starting to show signs of "I miss you, I want you, and I made a mistake". He still can't say "I'm in love with you". I told him it's like a dull knife...it just doesn't cut it.
I don't know him and I only have what you've written here to go on, so take this with a grain of salt. But, based on that my intuition is that he does care for you and may even love you but is deeply surpressing it. Love is natural to a healthy human being, its normal for us to love, but we can surpress our ability to do so as he has done. We also all have a fight or flight response when confronted with something we fear... he fled so that tells me he was confronted with his fear of love. That could be because he realise you loved him and that was enough to trigger it or it could be because he was beginning to feel love towards you and that was the trigger. It would take a counselor or psychologist working with him directly to sort that out.
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I really want to do right by myself. But if he comes to me in a month or two, after some counseling or soul searching, and says "god I really AM in love with you", is it extremely unhealthy for me to carefully, slowly consider and take some time with it? My mother says "no way run!". My close friend who is a clinical psychologist says it's possible to be with him again if he doesn some work and can express his feelings to me. I know that people can "come around" when they discover what they've lost is much more valuable to them than they realized when they were in it, and if there was a real, healthy chance with him...I'd take it.
You need to consider several things very carefully.
- First, understand that you cannot fix him, and he will need the help of a trained counselor or psychologist to fix himself. All you can do is offer support and encouragement.
- Second, you need to look within yourself and ask if you have the emotional strength to offer him that support. It will be draining and difficult and at times incredibly frustrationg, are you ready to cope with that?
- Third, he can only do this if he seeks help, if he refuses to do that then you need to accept this relationship will not work the way you had hoped and you need to walk away.
- Fourth, accept that his inability to say "I love you" is not your fault and has nothing to do with you, there's nothing wrong with you, this is a problem deep within him.
- Fifth, if you can't handle it... or try and later can't... you need to walk away. If you choose to try, be clear with him about this and make it clear that you may have to walk away if it gets too painful for you.
- Sixth, don't run... if you have to walk away that's fine... but don't run. Running will leave you with guilt and feeling like you abandoned him and then somebody like me will end up having to counsel with you
 If you things get too painful, too much for you to handle, tell him that and be honest and then walk away. That way you walk away clean knowing you tried your best and thats all anyone could have asked of you.
Is it possible he can get past this, yes it is. He's going to have to seek professional help and its going to open up some old wounds that are going to be very painful for him for awhile. His emotions will likely be a rollercoaster during that time, with him being unpredictable and moody. As he progresses he'll likely close off and push everyone away (you included) and at other times profess his undying love for you and just about everything in between. He's got more than 20 years of history and surpressed feelings to deal with, that's going to take time. To get through that you're going to need to be braced for it, learn not to take any of it personally (even when he's singing you love songs), and remain a stable constant in his life... that's very demanding. But if he is willing to finally face it and deal with it and seeks the help of a professional, yes it is possible for him to get past this and learn to have a loving relationship.
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My question to all of you is this. Are any of you (or have you ever been) in successful relationships with a person who at one time had these extreme indecision/committment/love fears? How did it turn out?
Yes I have, some coped with it and were able to heal with help, others were not. Some refused help. What I can tell you from personal experience is that you cannot help anyone who doesn't want the help. Some chose to cling to their walls rather than take the chance of opening up... for them the risk is just too great. In those cases all you can do is offer them friendship, and even that takes strength because these people can sometimes be very hard to be friends with. You have to be willing to care about them and wrap that friendship around them... walls and all.
I wish you luck with whatever choice you make, think carefully about it and be honest with yourself. You are not obligated to do anything at this point, and if you need to walk away there is no shame in that if you do it honestly.
_____________________________
Padriag
A stern discipline pervades all nature, which is a little cruel so that it may be very kind - Edmund Spencer
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