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Does male sub's low sex drive make you feel less dominant? - 11/2/2007 7:17:46 PM   
Alecto


Posts: 8
Joined: 1/20/2007
Status: offline 		Do any of my fellow Dominas ever feel "less dominant" (gasp) if their male sub has a low sex drive? How do you handle it?
I'm currently seeing a male sub who is over 40 and can really only manage to get an erection once a week (in my presence, natch). After all, it's easy to control a man's orgasm if he's only capable of having one a week! I think he has a naturally low sex drive (and he does occasionally "waste" some of it on his vanilla wife).
Isn't the male sub's sex drive one of the sources of a femdom's power? And if you can't increase (and therefore control) your male sub's sex drive, how do you control him?
I'd be interested in the male sub's perspective, also.

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RE: Does male sub's low sex drive make you feel less do... - 11/2/2007 7:25:06 PM   
transsexual


Posts: 16
Joined: 8/4/2007
Status: offline 		read ur prior posts and you could very well be cloudboys better half. ur not liking femdoms for a reason or 2?

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RE: Does male sub's low sex drive make you feel less do... - 11/2/2007 7:29:58 PM   
transsexual


Posts: 16
Joined: 8/4/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: transsexual

read ur prior posts and you could very well be cloudboys better half. ur not liking femdoms for a reason or 2?


a cock release isnt the only thing that draws men into d/s partnerships. controling his cock is but one thing dominatrixes or lifepartners do to their loved ones who want to submit. i need someone to put discipline bacck into my life becoz im out of control on many area levels and only you can helps me.

< Message edited by transsexual -- 11/2/2007 7:30:43 PM >

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RE: Does male sub's low sex drive make you feel less do... - 11/2/2007 8:05:37 PM   
LadyHibiscus


Posts: 27124
Joined: 8/15/2005
From: Island Of Misfit Toys
Status: offline 		What about when we top women? 

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RE: Does male sub's low sex drive make you feel less do... - 11/2/2007 8:16:27 PM   
undergroundsea


Posts: 2400
Joined: 6/27/2004
From: Austin, TX
Status: offline 		I think influence via desire, attraction and fondness is more powerful than control via orgasm. An orgasm is not critical to BDSM--some forms of gratification lie outside sexual arousal. With the attraction and desire there, I think a big source of power is being one who enjoys dominance. Submission does not always have to be compelled and can come willingly, especially when there is strong BDSM compatibility.

Cheers,

Sea

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RE: Does male sub's low sex drive make you feel less do... - 11/2/2007 10:46:00 PM   
MasterFireMaam


Posts: 5587
Joined: 3/1/2006
From: Charleston, WV
Status: offline 		I don't have this problem. While sex is nice, it's not the integral part of my relationships. Besides, if I want to get off, there's other ways. I also don't really get off on orgasm control or chastity devices. If they can't keep their hands off of it just because I tell them to, they're not really meant for me.

But, if these things are central to your kink and relationships, yeah, I can see how that would be a huge problem. There could be medical reasons why he has difficultly. You might look into those. Or, there's always things like Viagra, etc.

Master Fire

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RE: Does male sub's low sex drive make you feel less do... - 11/2/2007 11:47:37 PM   
sammy7626


Posts: 89
Joined: 8/20/2007
Status: offline 		Maybe its my viewpoint, but does no one else find it telling on any level that the OP phrased it "wasting it on his vanilla wife"?  Jealousy of his wife, perhaps. 

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RE: Does male sub's low sex drive make you feel less do... - 11/3/2007 12:04:16 AM   
FullfigRIMaam


Posts: 718
Joined: 6/21/2007
Status: offline
quote:

Do any of my fellow Dominas ever feel "less dominant" (gasp) if their male sub has a low sex drive? How do you handle it?
I can comfortably answer this because the first slave was impotent, so he never got a hard on...  I had to get my fix in other ways.   Nowadays, if I thought the man was absolutely wonderful, I would still work with an impotent/low libido man, but it might entail cuckoldry, because I like sex enough I would miss it.   That his sex drive is low in no way makes me feel more or less dominant however.   I suppose I understand your drift in terms of feeling desirable enough, and making him horny enough to control him that way, but I've never been massively into diminishing a boy's sexual expression, so can't help you there.   M

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RE: Does male sub's low sex drive make you feel less do... - 11/3/2007 12:11:01 AM   
SweetDommes


Posts: 3313
Joined: 10/5/2004
Status: offline 		I noticed that comment as well, Sammy - makes me wonder if wifey knows what hubby is up to when she's not around.  Personally - a) we don't play with married men, and b) someone's sex drive has no bearing on our dominance - their submission does, and if they aren't submissive, then we move on to someone who is (so even if they aren't submissive, it doesn't make us feel less dominant, it just makes us keep looking).

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RE: Does male sub's low sex drive make you feel less do... - 11/3/2007 3:35:20 AM   
beeble


Posts: 799
Joined: 5/25/2005
From: UK
Status: offline
quote:

MasterFireMaam wrote: I also don't really get off on orgasm control or chastity devices. If they can't keep their hands off of it just because I tell them to, they're not really meant for me.

I've never felt that chastity devices should be used to enforce chastity -- as you say, telling the sub not to touch should be enough.  Likewise, I cringe every time I see articles about how women should lock up their partners' cocks to make them attentive to their needs and so on. *cringe*

My Mistress and I do intend to play with chastity devices soon, though; not because I can't keep my hands off but because we find them to be a powerful symbol of her ownership.  In fact, since our relationship is online, there's really no more enforcement of chastity with a device on than without, since I'll always have a key.

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RE: Does male sub's low sex drive make you feel less do... - 11/3/2007 3:42:48 AM   
YesMistressIrish


Posts: 1135
Joined: 5/1/2007
From: Calif
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyHibiscus

What about when we top women? 



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RE: Does male sub's low sex drive make you feel less do... - 11/3/2007 6:20:14 AM   
thetammyjo


Posts: 6322
Joined: 9/8/2005
Status: offline 		Less dominant?
No.

But it used to make me feel less desirable until I did a lot of research and re-educated myself on men's sex drive.

Here's a shocker -- it varies greatly from man to man.

The cultural idea that men will always want it and be able to do it at a moment's notice is social BS that in my opinion harms both men and women as well as our younger self who are developing by creating expectations and ideals that may be unrealistic or healthy for an individual. I think it also encourages the idea of man as rapist and woman as victim model of sexuality that I find horrible.

Now educating my self took time and reprogramming my thinking took even more time. But it made me much happier.

As to the idea that sex is how female dominants control male submissives.... wow, that is really insulting even though I'm completely sure you didn't mean it that way. I find it insulting personally because it devalues my abilities and strength as a dominant. I find it insulting for the men who've served me because it makes them into one-dimensional figures instead of the wonderful human beings they are.

I think until we can free ourselves of these stereotypes we are not truly dominants at all but merely players in a game. Playing games is fun and fine but I don't personally believe it is the same as being dominant or being submissive.

So, Alecto, I'm not angry and I'm not trying to bitch at you above, just sharing my feelings and ideas that your post stirred up.

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TammyJo

Check out my website at http://www.thetammyjo.com Or www.tammyjoeckhart.com

And my LJ where I post fiction in progress if you "friend" me at http://thetammyjo.livejournal.com/

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RE: Does male sub's low sex drive make you feel less do... - 11/3/2007 7:00:39 AM   
MisPandora


Posts: 2911
Joined: 4/7/2004
From: Philadelphia, PA
Status: offline 		Why share someone's attentions or take someone else's sloppy seconds if his performance bothers you so much?  You can solve the first part of your issue by not settling for a married sub.

Second, make sure you're clearly communicating your expectations.  If you have the expectation that he needs to be sexually aroused, make sure he understands that and is capable of performing to your expected level (medically, physically, psychologically.)  If you have incompatible expectations -- he's physiologically unable to perform, he's embarassed or it's just not a goal for him -- you're going to continue to be disappointed.

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Pandora
Ms World Leather 2004
Ms Philadelphia Leather 2004

"Simply put, if you want a real femdom to love you, give her reasons to love you." Gloria Brame

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RE: Does male sub's low sex drive make you feel less do... - 11/3/2007 3:45:08 PM   
LadyPact


Posts: 32566
Status: offline 		I'm with Tammyjo on this one.  She said basically most of what I would have put here.
 
Having had a past submissive who had ED, it does make a person feel less desirable, and without the research she mentioned, it can have an effect.  Medical advances have been wonderful in this area, but those myths can take their toll when one isn't informed.
 
Working through it, on the other hand, tends to strengthen a D/s relationship, rather than make it less.  It depends on the merit of the Dominant to make it work.

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Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

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RE: Does male sub's low sex drive make you feel less do... - 11/4/2007 8:01:41 AM   
Lashra


Posts: 4900
Joined: 2/9/2006
Status: offline 		No not at all, I am Dominant no matter what level his sex drive is because, that is my personality. My source of power comes within and not a sub's erection, I think any Femdom who views the male cock as her source of power really does not know anything about female domination.

~Lashra


_____________________________

“We can never judge the lives of others, because each person knows only their own pain and renunciation. It's one thing to feel that you are on the right path, but it's another to think that yours is the only path.”






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RE: Does male sub's low sex drive make you feel less do... - 11/4/2007 8:11:07 AM   
MissAndry


Posts: 142
Joined: 10/12/2007
From: UK
Status: offline 		agreed Im dominant in myself, Ive tried to be vanilla in presence of slaves vanilla 'others' (family etc and apparently Im still dominant lol. sex drive is nice in a sub as its easier to control, punish etc. But its not the only way. They need to submit regardless of whether they have a high or low sex drive. So it wouldnt bother me. I may have to use my brain more tho and that might hurt lol.
just my opinion :)

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RE: Does male sub's low sex drive make you feel less do... - 11/4/2007 8:15:54 AM   
therealboss


Posts: 227
Joined: 9/11/2007
Status: offline 		lol

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be the best

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RE: Does male sub's low sex drive make you feel less do... - 11/4/2007 8:30:54 AM   
MistressFaye1


Posts: 276
Joined: 10/7/2007
Status: offline 		I agree totally with Lashra.  I don't feel less desirable.  What matters most to Me is the willingness, even if there are problems that impact his ability, to do other things to please Me, up to and including cuckoldry.  men that dread this but can suck it up and deal with it because it pleases Me is supreme in My eyes.

Mistress Faye

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You can put away your masquerade
You won't ever have to be afraid of Me
Open up your eyes and see what is in store
I must the One that you are searching for.

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RE: Does male sub's low sex drive make you feel less do... - 11/4/2007 8:34:27 AM   
IdiotMale


Posts: 132
Joined: 10/5/2005
Status: offline 		Cuckoldry to please your Mistress in this type of situation is perfect..In fact it's perfect regardless if that is what would make her happy..Nice.

(in reply to MistressFaye1)
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RE: Does male sub's low sex drive make you feel less do... - 11/4/2007 9:30:17 AM   
WyckedIndulgence


Posts: 153
Joined: 8/17/2005
Status: offline 		My dominance is an inherent part of my personality and not dependent on a man's libido. However, an erect cock does make for more fun and interesting cbt.
 
Perhaps you're confusing sex drive with erectile dysfunction. They don't necessarily go hand in hand though they can be closely related.  A decrease in libido is often associated with stress, side effects from drugs, illness and depression whereas erectile dysfuntion or impotence is the inability to achieve or sustain an erection and not uncommon in men in their forties and above.
 
There may be some underlying issues going on with your submissive that need open and honest discussion and may help to alleviate this problem or at least find out what may be causing it. If it's serious enough that he's experiencing undo stress and worry, a visit to his physician may be in order. On the other hand, if it's sharing him with his wife that concerns you, perhaps you should rethink your motives for having him in the first place. After all, his first obligation and responsibility is to her. 
 
Communicate, Communicate, Communicate!
 
~ Mz P

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