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A question for all - 11/3/2007 6:59:27 PM

Mellissande

Posts: 435
Joined: 4/22/2007
Status: offline

My Sir is 21 years older than me and even has a daughter older than me. I am absolutely fine with this, But I need some advice on how to talk to my family about this... I don't think they will be very happy with any part of the arrangement between myself and Sir... I am really scared to tell my family, as I don't know how I would broach the subject...

((edited to say I would have put this in one of the "ask a..." threads, But I want to hear from everyone, not just masters or mistresses... Thank you for helping!))

< Message edited by Mellissande -- 11/3/2007 7:01:17 PM >

Post #: 1

RE: A question for all - 11/3/2007 7:01:51 PM

IrishMist

Posts: 7480
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Mellissande; I emailed you on the other side

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Post #: 2

RE: A question for all - 11/3/2007 7:04:09 PM

Mellissande

Posts: 435
Joined: 4/22/2007
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*I'm checking my messages, there are none...*

Ok, recieved it. Thank you Mist!

< Message edited by Mellissande -- 11/3/2007 7:08:34 PM >

(in reply to IrishMist)

Post #: 3

RE: A question for all - 11/3/2007 7:19:03 PM

SteelofUtah

Posts: 5307
Joined: 10/2/2007
From: St George Utah
Status: offline

This is a difficult question in which not enough information has been given to make a suggestion in any way.

1) Is it the age issue that your folks will have problems with? Or the Lifestyle?
2) Being 19 and he 40 there are many issues I am sure you have already gone over in your head. Have you answered all your own fears?
3) Does your families opinion of your Master change your desire to be with him?

If you know the answers to these questions then making the decision should be an easy one.

As Always

Steel

_____________________________

Just Steel
Resident Therapeutic Metallurgist
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For the Uber Posters
Thanks for the Grammatical support : ) ~ Term

(in reply to Mellissande)

Post #: 4

RE: A question for all - 11/3/2007 7:24:05 PM

Mellissande

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Joined: 4/22/2007
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1.)They will have major problems with both
2.)I have come to terms with any questions I had about the age difference
3.)I don't rightly know... I love my family and would hate to disappoint them, But I also love My Sir...

Thank you for helping me Steel.

(in reply to SteelofUtah)

Post #: 5

RE: A question for all - 11/3/2007 8:43:48 PM

SteelofUtah

Posts: 5307
Joined: 10/2/2007
From: St George Utah
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Mellissande

1.)They will have major problems with both
2.)I have come to terms with any questions I had about the age difference
3.)I don't rightly know... I love my family and would hate to disappoint them, But I also love My Sir...

Thank you for helping me Steel.

Okay lets assess then as it would seem the answer is not as easy as it COULD be so it requires more understanding.

I, like you, was young when I entered this lifestyle and my Mother was a Militant Feminist SO Yeah things were odd around christmas time at my house too.

First things first I am sure most know how I feel about being in the Kink Closet but rest assured that I am in agreement in that NO ONE ever said you had to tell your parents that you are in an Alternative lifestyle that is a choice you get to make for yourself as anything I offer would be bias on my own feelings. If you are interested it was difficult and My mother and I never spoke about it again she knows but we choose NOT to talk about it today. Healthy? Who knows. It works for us.

As Far as his age If you are making an informed decision and you have known him for some time then if you tell them then they are going to trow EVERY SICK AND TWISTED thought your way, like he only wants a young piece of ass and you are being nieve to the world and all the usual rheteric that goes with the age game. In the end you are Free White and Over 18 making you Technically an Adult and FREE to make your own decisions.

I was a 16 year old Dom who knew everything and listened to no one so obviously I made a LOT of mistakes my posts and Threads on Collar me show many examples. The Point is today I can say I honestly learned from them so I believe that making mistakes and trying this is a GOOD thing.

I am NOT saying that you and your Master are a Mistake what I am saying is that even if all the things that people try to warn you agout turns out to be true, at least you now have an experience to learn from and grow from and this is a good thing as well.

Being 16 in the lifestyle I didn't have many subs willing to surrender themselves to me because most of the ones I knew were old enough to be my mother and some even had children old enough to be my mother, BUT that rarely stopped some of them from wanting to have sex with me so keep that in mind when the people start judgeing your relationship, Some of the acusations have fingerholds in reality.

I know nothing of your Master of the kind of guy he is I am sure you discussed your fears with him and found no good answers and are seeking other opinions and since I cannot offer you an EASY way to deal with your situation I offer you only this:

If you know your Sir well and TRUST him with all your heart and understand that the desion you make might leave you with broken bridges on your family end then tell them all that they NEED to know and god speed to you.

However if you don't know for ABSOLUTE CERTAIN all the in's and outs of your Sir's desire to have you as his own then ask for more time in getting to know him and ACTUALLY get to know him ask him all the HARD questions like, How will you deal with the fact that your daughter is older than your lover? If she doesn't like me how will you deal with that? If She ever says that You are sick because you have a lover who is younger than her how will you react toward me? What will happen to us in 20 years when I am in my Prime Sexual Peak and you are 60? How do you feel about me still having a Younger persons throught processes? (This is a BIG one my wife was 19 when we met and I was 26 Only 7 years difference but that is a LOT of maturity wise and it has caused issues in out world)

If you have the answers to these questions all ready then I will admit you are FAR more prepared than I was and I think you have a very level head on your shoulders, HOWVERE if you don't have these answers, do you not think they would be good answers to have before you moved in with him?

If you want to you can contact me Offline and I can tell you some of the things I have gone through and listen to some of your worries, I know that when it comes to Family being who you are is a difficult thing. Just let your Sir know if you decide to do so.

As Always

Steel

_____________________________

Just Steel
Resident Therapeutic Metallurgist
The Steel Warm-Up © ™
For the Uber Posters
Thanks for the Grammatical support : ) ~ Term

(in reply to Mellissande)

Post #: 6

RE: A question for all - 11/3/2007 8:50:49 PM

Mellissande

Posts: 435
Joined: 4/22/2007
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This post has really made me think, and I thank you VERY much for this. I do have alot more thinking to do before I do anything, I already knew that. But you have brought to light somequestions I didn't even realize I wanted to ask... Thank you. I will definitely keep in touch with any questions and fears... Thank you for offering your knowledge and advice.

(in reply to SteelofUtah)

Post #: 7

RE: A question for all - 11/3/2007 8:56:47 PM

SteelofUtah

Posts: 5307
Joined: 10/2/2007
From: St George Utah
Status: offline

I just realized that you never said you were going to move in with him I guess I just thought you were sorry about that.

_____________________________

Just Steel
Resident Therapeutic Metallurgist
The Steel Warm-Up © ™
For the Uber Posters
Thanks for the Grammatical support : ) ~ Term

(in reply to Mellissande)

Post #: 8

RE: A question for all - 11/3/2007 10:38:30 PM

LuckyAlbatross

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Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline

How independent are you from your family and for how long? What sort of child were you expected to be/what position in the family do you hold?

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Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

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(in reply to SteelofUtah)

Post #: 9

RE: A question for all - 11/3/2007 10:57:14 PM

SteelofUtah

Posts: 5307
Joined: 10/2/2007
From: St George Utah
Status: offline

Was that to me or to the OP?

_____________________________

Just Steel
Resident Therapeutic Metallurgist
The Steel Warm-Up © ™
For the Uber Posters
Thanks for the Grammatical support : ) ~ Term

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

Post #: 10

RE: A question for all - 11/4/2007 12:05:57 AM

hisannabelle

Posts: 1992
Joined: 12/3/2006
From: Tallahassee, FL, USA
Status: offline

greetings mellissande,

i can relate; my master is 35 years and a few months older than me, and his youngest daughter is still 3 years older than me. i am also your age. if my parents were still alive, they would be the same age as my master.

my mother passed away shortly before he and i got together, my father shortly after; my father knew i was dating someone much older but i didn't give many details. my dad would not have cared. i would like to think that because both my parents knew him pretty well long before we ever got together, my mom would be much less likely to murder him than any other 54 year old i might date. they knew he was a pretty good guy. it took me a long time to be honest with my sister about it though because she is very overprotective of me (like a second mother) and i thought she'd go apeshit, but she is actually really cool with things. i don't talk a lot about the situation with the rest of my family; they know i am seeing someone but don't know the details, especially the age details.

as someone else mentioned, it's really going to boil down to your level of independence. several months before he and i got together, i became completely financially self-sufficient, was living on my own, and although i had relatively good relationships with both of my parents, i wasn't "beholden" to them for anything, so to speak...i felt pretty independent and comfortable making my own choices. i had already chosen a major/career path that i know made my mother uncomfortable but she still supported me, so i know that she trusted my judgment at least. through my health problems and being catapulted into basically being alone so quickly (my sister and aunts do not live nearby and don't speak to me that often) i pretty much learned early on that i have to live for myself, not for my family and what they want. they love me; they may not like the decisions i make, but if they cannot accept me for who i am then it is still more important for me to be who i am. so far they handle it though.

really, i think that's the realization that one has to come to in a situation like ours...you have to first of all learn to be confident in your own choices and really know that what you are doing is what you want, and that you have to live your own life, not what other people want you to live. YOU are the one living your life 24/7, not them.

if you ever want to talk about this, especially since our situations are really similar, please feel free to msg me on the other side. i wish you the best.

respectfully,
annabelle.

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i have the kind of beauty that moves...

(in reply to Mellissande)

Post #: 11

RE: A question for all - 11/4/2007 3:16:35 AM

batshalom

Posts: 1990
Joined: 9/17/2007
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This will sound cut an dried - LA makes very good points in her response with independence and family position - but the way I see it, if you are old enough to move in with someone without having to have a signed consent form from your parents, it's nobody's business.

Oh. I just looked at your profile. Your age does change my answer somewhat.

You are always your parents' "baby", someone they protected and raised and loved, and this move might be difficult for them. They might feel "replaced" in some way, and they will not see in your Sir what you see in him. They might not like the idea of a man close to their own age having intimate access to their daughter. They might grow to accept him as the truly wonderful person he is, but then again, this might be a point of contention for a long time.

The longer you remain together, happily, the more they will accept him. (A word of advice: Do not tell the parental units of the little squabbles between the two of you - it will drive the wedge deeper.) The long and the short of it is, though, that you are young adult and can make your own decisions.

Weigh the pros and cons. If your parents react harshly, is it ultimately worth it? How long have you known this man? Is it long enough to be secure in the stability of the relationship? Your parents (most likely) will always be there for you, regardless. Will he? Is it worth the hurt and anger this might cause to your parents?

(in reply to hisannabelle)

Post #: 12

RE: A question for all - 11/4/2007 4:13:35 AM

Twicehappy2x

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Joined: 3/27/2007
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It used to piss my mother off to no end that my Master long gone was almost 20 years her senior, to make matters worse they shared the same birthday.

I simply introduced them, when she got upset about the age difference(33 years) i told her that it was the way that it was. She could either accept it or not, but if she was going to be a part of our lives, she had best accept it.

Then again, i am a pretty blunt person, anybody who wants to be in my life can either accept me and mine as is or stay out of it.

_____________________________

The human heart is not a finite container but an ever expanding universe with all the stars contained there in.

(in reply to Mellissande)

Post #: 13

RE: A question for all - 11/4/2007 6:03:17 AM

submittous

Posts: 345
Joined: 6/12/2004
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This will sound harsh but reflects a few years of experience in similar situations. If your family really is not going to be accepting of your choice of lifestyle and you are sure about your choice it is unlikely to change much over time. The same goes for the age difference. If you are correct that they will not be accepting of either than that will be a source of conflict forever. You will have to just accept the fact that you don't control their views any more than they control yours and learn to live with their disapproval however they chose to manifest it or set boundries for their behavior with you and be willing to seperate if they don't honor those boundries. A good kink friendly therapist can really help you understand your position and options so you are prepared for what happens.

Remember we have no choice about who is in our famliy ... you aren't responsible for how they feel and probably can't change their belief system, You do get to chose your bdsm family, we'd suggest surrounding yourself with supportive kink friendly people in your life and learn to love them like a family....

Good luck

Bill and Iris

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(in reply to Twicehappy2x)

Post #: 14

RE: A question for all - 11/4/2007 7:31:17 AM

OsideGirl

Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
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Quite frankly, your family really doesn't need to know about your lifestyle. People always have this burning need to unburden themselves at the expense of others. Chances are, knowing about your lifestyle will most likely hurt them. They'll get to spend hours wondering where they went wrong, while you're happily unburdened.

While I know of a few instances where telling the family went okay, they are very few instances. The majority freak out and are sure that you're psychologically unbalanced. Beyond that, your sex life is no one else's business.

So, my advice is just keep that portion to yourself.

As for the age thing, the only thing that will get past that is time. Your family will need time to adjust to him being in your life.

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Post #: 15

RE: A question for all - 11/4/2007 8:19:54 AM

velvetears

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Just introduce him and don't feel the need to confess his age - by confessing his age it brings it into the light as an issue, it makes them aware you know they won't be happy about it so in essence you are setting yourself up. They will be able to tell how old he is - let them open that can of worms not you. As long as you are over 21 you can do as you please. Unless approval and their blessing is important to you.

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Post #: 16

RE: A question for all - 11/4/2007 8:28:45 AM

chellekitty

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honestly....from experience, i would be more concerned about his adult children than your parents....

but...all they need to know is that it is a healthy relationship and you are getting what you need from it....thats what it is, right?

they don't need any more details...really...you're an adult...

ps, velvet, you said 21, but in florida, she is definately an adult by 18....

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Post #: 17

RE: A question for all - 11/4/2007 8:29:25 AM

xoxi

Posts: 1066
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I am a bit confused...I read your journal and 5 days ago you wrote an entry that made it seem as though you were single and looking for a man. I might be misreading that...but I would wait until a relationship is solid and has lasted awhile before telling my family if they would be shocked by it. The last thing you want is a breakup a week after you tell them (and 2 weeks after you started dating) that will make them question your judgement even more.

(in reply to velvetears)

Post #: 18

RE: A question for all - 11/4/2007 8:31:23 AM

velvetears

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True - legal at 18 for most things except buying alcohol. A parent is responsible for their um's medical bills till they are 21 - i know because it is an issue i am having right now and fighting legally. 18 to 21 is a fuzzy greay area.

[edited to add] Any trouble they get into you are also responsible for the legal costs as well as damages if it is something of a destructive nature.

< Message edited by velvetears -- 11/4/2007 8:32:43 AM >

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Post #: 19

RE: A question for all - 11/4/2007 8:42:55 AM

mya75

Posts: 300
Joined: 10/14/2007
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I definately do not tell my parents and never have about every relationship I have been in ..my advice to you would be the same until you and he have something stable and at least 8mths or more going strong......I know it may seem like you guys will have LTR but things do change and you never know what will happen ...I just wouldnt put myself through the stress for something so uncertain....*hugs* PS: Parents really dont need to know your lifestyle unless he plans to do BDSM things around your family which I doubt

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(in reply to velvetears)

Post #: 20

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