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Which is more important - 11/4/2007 6:20:29 AM

swtnsparkling

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A Dominant friend asked me: which is more important - being truthful with a Dom, or pleasing the Dom, especially if it is not possible to do both?

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RE: Which is more important - 11/4/2007 6:23:55 AM

juliaoceania

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Being truthful

Edited to add:

One has to live with the lies they tell. I try to live my life in an honest way, not that I am perfect, but I want truth as much as possible in my life. Honesty is not about my dom, it is about me. My self respect is more important than pleasing any other person on this planet. I have to live with myself until I die.

< Message edited by juliaoceania -- 11/4/2007 6:31:57 AM >

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RE: Which is more important - 11/4/2007 6:24:14 AM

kyraofMists

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There is no way to please him without being truthful. It is not an either or question. I will choose to be truthful and pleasing. If I were to lie he would not be pleased with me. If I tell the truth, he will be pleased that I told the truth even if he is not pleased with the answer.

Knight's Kyra

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RE: Which is more important - 11/4/2007 6:29:44 AM

LATEXBABY64

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um yep

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RE: Which is more important - 11/4/2007 6:34:55 AM

Prinsexx

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quote:

ORIGINAL: swtnsparkling

A Dominant friend asked me: which is more important - being truthful with a Dom, or pleasing the Dom, especially if it is not possible to do both?

Oh I hate dilemmas......but the answer for me is to please if I am in relationship with Him. If not I will always tell the truth....like this is not going to work or please stop stalking me or fuck off you bastard you know words along those lines :))

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RE: Which is more important - 11/4/2007 6:37:53 AM

wintersbreath

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quote:

ORIGINAL: kyraofMists

There is no way to please him without being truthful. It is not an either or question. I will choose to be truthful and pleasing. If I were to lie he would not be pleased with me. If I tell the truth, he will be pleased that I told the truth even if he is not pleased with the answer.

Knight's Kyra

I agree with this. He may like the answer, but the truth is much easier to defend than a lie.

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RE: Which is more important - 11/4/2007 6:40:50 AM

SeeksOnlyOne

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quote:

ORIGINAL: wintersbreath

quote:

ORIGINAL: kyraofMists

There is no way to please him without being truthful. It is not an either or question. I will choose to be truthful and pleasing. If I were to lie he would not be pleased with me. If I tell the truth, he will be pleased that I told the truth even if he is not pleased with the answer.

Knight's Kyra

I agree with this. He may like the answer, but the truth is much easier to defend than a lie.

and if telling the truth ends something.......well.....it was meant to end imho

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RE: Which is more important - 11/4/2007 6:43:35 AM

Kana

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Anything that is built on a lie will surely crumble. Someone once told me that love means trusting the other persons love for you. The same idea applies to submission.One who serves who withholds information is excercising willing deception . This can destroy bound relationships.

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RE: Which is more important - 11/4/2007 6:44:27 AM

KnightofMists

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quote:

ORIGINAL: kyraofMists

There is no way to please him without being truthful. It is not an either or question. I will choose to be truthful and pleasing. If I were to lie he would not be pleased with me. If I tell the truth, he will be pleased that I told the truth even if he is not pleased with the answer.

Knight's Kyra

there is a difference between "Not Liking the Answer" and being "Please to receive an Answer"

In general... the only answer that will please me is a truthful answer.... the odd exception being... "are you planning a surprize party for me?" .... "ummmmm No my Lord" mmmmmmm the lying bitch!

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RE: Which is more important - 11/4/2007 6:47:15 AM

RRafe

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Being lied to is displeasing-the reason matters not.

I'm a big boy, I can handle being told I have things that need work.

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RE: Which is more important - 11/4/2007 6:47:42 AM

eyesopened

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It's not up to me to decide how much truth someone else can handle. i can't think of a time when a lie would be pleasing. For example, if a Dominant asked "is my penis too small?" and it was, in fact, really small, there is a way to be both truthful and kind. "Sir, Your penis suits You perfectly!" is one way to be truthful and kind.

i hate the whole idea of lying cuz i'm just not ambitious enough to want to remember all that stuff and i find my life runs a whole lot more smoothly when i always tell the truth.

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RE: Which is more important - 11/4/2007 6:49:01 AM

SirJohnMandevill

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Definitely the truth.

My former sub took several substantial whippings before she confessed to me that she really couldn't take the pain any longer. While I was disappointed, we simply used our wickedly creative minds to come up with other exquisite torments.

Just tell the truth. You'll usually be able to work something out.

Les (Illegitimate son of Ken Kesey and Oprah)

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RE: Which is more important - 11/4/2007 6:53:54 AM

Celeste43

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Depends on what's happening. If it's role play, then I can grit my teeth and probably make it through the scene while focusing on making him happy. But the next day I'd have to tell him it just didn't work for me like that, and could we fix the problem before we tried it again.

There's the appropriate time and place to state cold, hard facts.

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RE: Which is more important - 11/4/2007 7:01:43 AM

gillybean

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This is not such an easy question as others have implied. It all depends on the kind of relationship you have with the Dom.

I have always believed honesty to be very important, especially in a significant relationship, and i would agree that if you are in such a relationship or looking for one then honesty would be more important. However if you are merely 'playing' and the Dom likes to hear things said in a certain way, or doesn't like to know particular things then, as long as you are being true to yourself by pleasing him and it is hurting neither of you to not be completely honest then i have done that. But only with someone i knew i would never have a relationship with.

Yes i do sometimes question whether i should be completely honest about what i feel and how certain things he does to and with me actually don't do very much for me, but i know if i did then things would end completely and there are other things he does that i do like and want. So i am prepared to 'compromise' a little and say things he wants to hear rather than be completely 'honest'. For example he likes to use the cane much harder than i like. Sometimes he uses it in a way i enjoy, sometimes it's far too hard. But even when it is far too much, although i don't like the caning itself, i still like that he wanted to use me and that i am giving him pleasure. He knows i hate the cane generally and he can tell when it is too much and he usually ensures he does other things during the session that i do enjoy to 'distract' me or make it worth my while in some way (not phrased that too well but you know what i mean i'm sure). And when he says afterwards did i like that the answer i keep to myself is 'don't use the cane that hard again', but the answer i give him is that i did enjoy it, because i enjoyed the whole session, parts of it more than others and even though i didn't like the caning i would do it again for the rest. So i tell him what he wants to hear in a way he wants to hear it rather than being completly honest. Because when i go away and think about it afterwards i know that it doesn't matter how hard he used the came, i will want to see him again. Of course i also know the time will come to end the 'fun' and find someone i can have a full relationship with which includes honesty in all things.

I have in the past said exactly what i think and feel to him, and i get reminded that i am taking the fun out of it and i don't get spoken to again until i speak in a way he finds acceptable and say things he wants to hear. The relationship is only about 'fun'. So rather than saying things exactly as i find them i have to think a little and phrase things in an acceptable way to him. This pleases him and as pleasing him is important to me and gives me a certain amount of pleasure it itself i am prepared to be less than completely honest. But as i said i know the relationship will never be anything more than it is. The situation is not one i would accept with a relationship partner, nor would i want to have a relationship with this Dom precisely because he is not prepared to listen or hear me. I do question at times whether he is a Dom or merely likes to be sadistic. Saying that though he does listen on occassion and surprises me when he does something that i mentioned in passing or in an email and thought nothing more of.

So the question you have been possed by this friend really comes down to which particular Dom and in what circumstances. Only you know what is right for you and what you can and can not compromise on.

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RE: Which is more important - 11/4/2007 7:25:43 AM

VieVivante

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Although this is an important question, does anyone really expect someone to admit on this board they would lie rather than tell the truth? Just curious.

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RE: Which is more important - 11/4/2007 7:26:22 AM

miladyh

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quote:

ORIGINAL: swtnsparkling

A Dominant friend asked me: which is more important - being truthful with a Dom, or pleasing the Dom, especially if it is not possible to do both?

For me it would depend on the situation. For example if I am serving someone and they would like to engage in an activity that I know I really dont like but they are really excited about doing it, then I would do the activity to be pleasing. On the other hand if the activty is something that I know could be potentionaly injurious in anyway i.e. physical or emotional, even with all the safeguards in place then I would be truthful.

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RE: Which is more important - 11/4/2007 7:29:25 AM

VieVivante

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Of course, if someone told the truth in admitting they would lie, can one believe it is the truth, or are they lying when they say they would lie. After all, if they admit they lie, how can you trust they are telling you the truth about it.......

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RE: Which is more important - 11/4/2007 7:33:41 AM

grlneedstolearn

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Being truthful by far:
My Dom has told me this many times- once you start a web of lies going, you end up with soo many that even you can not tell the difference between lie and truth anymore

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RE: Which is more important - 11/4/2007 7:34:15 AM

VieVivante

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quote:

ORIGINAL: swtnsparkling
being truthful with a Dom, or pleasing the Dom, especially if it is not possible to do both?

Okay, getting serious for a moment, it should be pointed out that it is equally important for a Dom to tell the truth, rather than say what will please the sub. The more important the relationship, the more you have to strive to be truthful from both sides, even though it can sometimes lead to painful experiences.

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RE: Which is more important - 11/4/2007 7:36:00 AM

sexyred1

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quote:

ORIGINAL: gillybean

This is not such an easy question as others have implied. It all depends on the kind of relationship you have with the Dom.

. However if you are merely 'playing' and the Dom likes to hear things said in a certain way, or doesn't like to know particular things then, as long as you are being true to yourself by pleasing him and it is hurting neither of you to not be completely honest then i have done that. But only with someone i knew i would never have a relationship with.

Yes i do sometimes question whether i should be completely honest about what i feel and how certain things he does to and with me actually don't do very much for me, but i know if i did then things would end completely and there are other things he does that i do like and want. So i am prepared to 'compromise' a little and say things he wants to hear rather than be completely 'honest'. For example he likes to use the cane much harder than i like. Sometimes he uses it in a way i enjoy, sometimes it's far too hard. But even when it is far too much, although i don't like the caning itself, i still like that he wanted to use me and that i am giving him pleasure. He knows i hate the cane generally and he can tell when it is too much and he usually ensures he does other things during the session that i do enjoy to 'distract' me or make it worth my while in some way (not phrased that too well but you know what i mean i'm sure). And when he says afterwards did i like that the answer i keep to myself is 'don't use the cane that hard again', but the answer i give him is that i did enjoy it, because i enjoyed the whole session, parts of it more than others and even though i didn't like the caning i would do it again for the rest. So i tell him what he wants to hear in a way he wants to hear it rather than being completly honest. Because when i go away and think about it afterwards i know that it doesn't matter how hard he used the came, i will want to see him again. Of course i also know the time will come to end the 'fun' and find someone i can have a full relationship with which includes honesty in all things.

I have in the past said exactly what i think and feel to him, and i get reminded that i am taking the fun out of it and i don't get spoken to again until i speak in a way he finds acceptable and say things he wants to hear. The relationship is only about 'fun'. So rather than saying things exactly as i find them i have to think a little and phrase things in an acceptable way to him. This pleases him and as pleasing him is important to me and gives me a certain amount of pleasure it itself i am prepared to be less than completely honest. But as i said i know the relationship will never be anything more than it is. The situation is not one i would accept with a relationship partner, nor would i want to have a relationship with this Dom precisely because he is not prepared to listen or hear me. I do question at times whether he is a Dom or merely likes to be sadistic. Saying that though he does listen on occassion and surprises me when he does something that i mentioned in passing or in an email and thought nothing more of.

So the question you have been possed by this friend really comes down to which particular Dom and in what circumstances. Only you know what is right for you and what you can and can not compromise on.

I know someone like this as well and I don't worry whether he gets upset or won't speak to me if I speak my mind; I always do, especially if I do not like something we are doing.

What do you have to lose by being brutally honest, especially when it is just casual?

It seems counterproductive to have a casual relationship whereby both your needs should be met and then have to withold that you are not happy about certain things to please the other person, when you are not even commited to them and they to you.

I believe in total honestly in all relationships.

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