Questions and the courting process: Do you feel you should keep quiet? (Full Version)

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AAkasha -> Questions and the courting process: Do you feel you should keep quiet? (11/8/2007 9:34:07 PM)

I'm curious how many submissives feel uncomfortable or uneasy with asking questions during the very early stages of exchanging emails on a site like this.  My experience is only with male submissives of course, but I'm interested to hear from both genders.

Sometimes I feel that submissive men assume they should not ask questions (small talk questions) of a femdom because it might be seen as prying or too forward, and that they feel the domina should offer up information as she feels comfortable, and she should be the one asking questions.  I love it when men ask me (non kinky) questions like what I do for fun, or what I might think of a movie or style of music, or anything.  I don't like to have to just offer up this kind of information randomly because I think I like to know that the man is interested enough to ask some questions.  It's a shame though that some men think it might be impolite so they don't risk it.

I also don't feel like saying, "What questions do you have for me?" because it seems like that just prods a man into asking questions because he has been told, not because he is genuinely interested. I want a man to be genuinely interested enough to ask - because if he really doesn't care, that's information I need up front anyway.

Subs, do you feel like you shouldn't go down the path of asking non kinky questions until the dominant offers up the information?

Akasha



LuckyAlbatross -> RE: Questions and the courting process: Do you feel you should keep quiet? (11/8/2007 9:38:57 PM)

Recent conversation my partner and I had:

Me: Yeah, we'll go watch tv after I go pee-
(bangs into bathroom door)
Me: -Unless I knock myself unconscious first
Him: Don't do that, you won't be able to order me to help wake you up
Me: I hope that I've trained you well enough to know to take an active role in that.
Him: Well I wouldn't want to be presumptuous.

Now, we were both obviously teasing eachother and having a good time of it- but we were playing on well known biases and insecurities that can be serious problems in relationships.



hisannabelle -> RE: Questions and the courting process: Do you feel you should keep quiet? (11/8/2007 9:42:11 PM)

greetings akasha,

i am fond of asking questions. he has always enjoyed answering them, and in general, i've found it's a good way to get conversations going through messaging here as well. asking questions is part and parcel of getting to know someone, in my opinion; unless i'm specifically ordered, told, or requested not to, i do it often :) i have found that it's easy to tell when someone just wants wanking material, so to speak, and when they're genuinely interested in having a conversation - because the prevalence and type of questions generally is a good indicator of level of interest.

respectfully,
annabelle.



ItzKat -> RE: Questions and the courting process: Do you feel you should keep quiet? (11/8/2007 9:49:42 PM)

I think that starting a new BDSM relationship is the same as any other.  Both parties have desires and needs, but you got to get to know each other before you can get to the good stuff. 

My Dom and I have been together over 10 years now and at first, we dated.  We spent hours on the computer chatting, exchanged emails and spent lots of time around like minded friends.  Our first scenes were in some local dungeons with other around just in case, but we had that emtional connection that came from talking. 



briska -> RE: Questions and the courting process: Do you feel you should keep quiet? (11/8/2007 11:41:01 PM)

Personally, I feel like the idea of this site is not small talk.  It's to find like-minded people, and to exchange enough information that - ideally - you can do the meeting in a public place thing, as equals at first, and do the small talk there.  I tend to get annoyed with random messages or constant emails when just having a conversation (AIM, phone, irl) would be easier about inane things.  Yes, it's nice to know someone's interested, but perhaps looking for that interest on CM is beyond the site's scope for some people. 



ownedgirlie -> RE: Questions and the courting process: Do you feel you should keep quiet? (11/8/2007 11:45:05 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: AAkasha
Subs, do you feel like you shouldn't go down the path of asking non kinky questions until the dominant offers up the information?

Akasha



No, I pretty much exhausted my Master with questions.  Some he readily answered; some I needed to be patient about.  But I learned everything I needed to know.  I didn't meet him here, though.  I met him at a different online venue.



RCdc -> RE: Questions and the courting process: Do you feel you should keep quiet? (11/9/2007 4:13:12 AM)

As you are speaking about the beginning of a relationship during the initial stages of mail exchange - I think that it is no different than any other relationship when a person can be hesitant so as not to risk what might be possible.
 
I had been a terrible 'second guesser' previously, so asking questions - even the most seemingly trivial (like whether he takes milk in his coffee for example or music tastes) - were and are a way of making sure I am not simple making an assumption on something which may or may not be there.
 
If you want a relationship and not just play with someone, I believe it is imperitive and also a service to ask non kink questions. 
 
the.dark.



arayofsunshine55 -> RE: Questions and the courting process: Do you feel you should keep quiet? (11/9/2007 7:45:57 AM)

I play this like getting to know anyone.  Someone who doesn't ask interesting questions, doesn't interest me.   A sub who is so caught up in what is the "right" thing to do, is often more protocol, ritual driven than I like. 

Now from the bottom, someone who is not open to my questions, doesn't work for me.  Cause I've always got many and that kind of communication works for me.  So I ask what I want and use the reactions as a means of understanding the other person. 



Tigrita -> RE: Questions and the courting process: Do you feel you should keep quiet? (11/9/2007 12:19:09 PM)

Heh, we've made a pretty significant use of our email box capacity in 'pedantic discussions' about what sadism means to each of us, slavery, value of a free submissive vs. a slave, collaring, general submissivenss vs. sexual submissiveness, as well as more mundane things like ice cream flavors... all before we even met, and constantly continuing now that we are together.  Totally uninhibited inquiry and exchange of ideas.  I like to get deep up in people's heads about things and so does he (and so does Charlotte), that is a huge reason we're all so great together.



Celeste43 -> RE: Questions and the courting process: Do you feel you should keep quiet? (11/9/2007 1:10:19 PM)

If you don't ask questions, don't talk about every possible idea, then you have no one to blame but yourself when you discover you aren't compatible.



batshalom -> RE: Questions and the courting process: Do you feel you should keep quiet? (11/9/2007 1:15:23 PM)

Mm. When in the early stages of talking to others I don't feel submissive - as far as I know at that time, I am equal until we establish some kind of D/s connection. If we establish some kind of D/s connection, I ask all kinds of very personal questions because (a) it rarely dawns on me that my questions might be off-putting because I rarely have motives other than wanting to know, and (b) I'm just nosey.



Zaraseeks -> RE: Questions and the courting process: Do you feel you should keep quiet? (11/9/2007 1:22:02 PM)

Great topic, for a long time as a sub I felt sometimes I should not ask thevanilla questions, but it is those answers that really makes me more attracted to the Domme, when I was after a very wonderful Mistress She gave me a good amount of personal info upfront whihc made me more comfy asking the questions, and I went on and on, I felt it better helped me understand how I could please Her, and created a whole person, rather than the fantasy some subs have of a woman who is JUST a Domme, I liked the whole person, and through my questions and Her responses and HER questions, I grew to love Her in a way I have never loved a Domme, not my ex Mistress who I was with 5 years, or even my current, But She was the most amazing woman ever (not biased at all *wink*) She has often said had I not asked the questions I did, had I not taken such care in getting to know just who She was I would not have grabbed Her attention so strongly.  So I recommend to any sub, ASK QUESTIONS!  I do understand also though being so interested that you are afraid to make a mistake and lose their intrest...
my two cents
eryn aka lil zara (or would it be lil zara aka eryn?)



MystressDream -> RE: Questions and the courting process: Do you feel you should keep quiet? (11/9/2007 2:08:30 PM)

Not only do I appreciate the vanilla type questions, but, I look for them.  I find it extremely annoying, and my interest will wane very quickly, if the only questions asked, and only topics discussed have to do with BDSM.  Often times I will ask a vanilla question or two to try to steer the conversation to that area.... and, if the submissive in turn asks vanilla questions, it is a big plus.  If he quickly (usually one word answers) responds to the vanilla question and immediately follows it with a BDSM question, my interest is gone.
 
It does, however, work as an excellent tool to find out if the person has any interest in me as a person, rather than just someone who can fulfill his fantasies.



juliaoceania -> RE: Questions and the courting process: Do you feel you should keep quiet? (11/9/2007 2:24:36 PM)

It has been a while since I was in the market for a dominant, but when I was looking I approached it in a vanilla sort of way. If they were not interested in sharing what their interests were with me, if I could not talk to them as one human being to another, I would have just forgot about them. I cannot imagine belonging to a dominant that did not talk to me like a human being and that I could not ask questions about their interests.

I have this perception of many femdoms from reading a lot of profiles that there is a sense that men cannot approach them in a friendly sort of vanilla way and share what they are about... that deference is demanded from the start by many femdoms, which makes it hard to start off with a lighter more friendly rapport. I am sure there are many femdoms this is not true of, but it seems to be fairly common to me.



angelic -> RE: Questions and the courting process: Do you feel you should keep quiet? (11/9/2007 2:32:28 PM)

~fr~ Just recently i was exchanging emails with someone and within the first few (2 or 3) he was asking me about myself as a slave/submissive.  i simply responded saying i wanted someone to get to know me... all of me.  my likes dislikes, my political standing...simple things really.  Basically get to know me first before we start discussing the Master/Dom slave/submissive dynamic.



MidnightMaiden -> RE: Questions and the courting process: Do you feel you should keep quiet? (11/9/2007 3:05:06 PM)

quote:

Subs, do you feel like you shouldn't go down the path of asking non kinky questions until the dominant offers up the information?


Until I decide I am going to be the submissive in a relationship, I will ask whatever questions I feel are necessary, vanilla or otherwise.  If a prospective Top finds that rude or inappropriate then we are a bad match and we should know that right at the outset.  I am not giving power to somebody right at the outset by being to meek to ask a simple question, they have to show me they deserve it, and without being able to ask them questions how am I going to now, and yes that includes questions that are going to push their buttons.  I know that makes me sound rude and abrasive, but I am not.  I am always respectful, polite, patient... but submissives you are doing yourselves a grave disservice if you do not find out as much as you can about your prospective Top.



Kalista07 -> RE: Questions and the courting process: Do you feel you should keep quiet? (11/9/2007 3:18:03 PM)

i must say i agree with most of what's already been posted... i remember when i was looking for someone, i was emailing and IMing with a particular 'Dom' who was apparently annoyed by my questions... He quickly informed me that he hadn't contacted me to be interrogated or play 20questions...To which, i quickly introduced him to my block button...My logic is (flawed as it is) that if a person doesn't want to get to know me on a level that has nothing to do with kink how am i supposed to trust them enough to potentially harm me?
Kali



Aceton -> RE: Questions and the courting process: Do you feel you should keep quiet? (11/9/2007 3:25:30 PM)

Personally I find it weird and creepy, okay maybe not weird,  because I understand where it comes from, but definitely creepy, when some person I don't know from a hole in the wall starts emailing me asking me BDSM questions. Maybe I am old fashioned, but I prefer to get an idea of a person before I get close to speaking with them about matters which pertain to my sexuality.

Generally if I contact someone its because of something they've written on the forums, which is a nice ice breaker, people get to see who they are dealing with, and what they are like before launching into "So, I like clamps on my nuts" or whatver the hell they are into.

Basically if a complete stranger attempts to start with me by identifying my kinks and sexual proclivities, or rattling off his/her own, I don't even bother replying. I find it to be crass and lacking in sensitivity. If they can't even handle themselves with a small measure of grace online, then I really highly doubt their ability to be any better in person.

Edited to add: So no, I don't feel like I should stick to BDSM questions, in fact, I'd steer clear of them for a bit (and I like the same in return.) If I want someone to do wicked things to me, I'll want them to do it because I find them hot as a person, not because they know how to operate handcuffs. Generally by the time I get around to talking about 'dirty' matters, I'm interested in a person and I know it.

This doesn't pertain to conversations which are purely informational in tone, or if someone just want an opionion or whatever. I'm talking about cases where a connection is seeking to be made.



yuppergirl -> RE: Questions and the courting process: Do you feel you should keep quiet? (11/9/2007 3:44:58 PM)

I totatly agree about eveyrthing i've read here so far,as a submissive you have to ask how else can you serve and know that your doing something right?,,,,,My Sir and i talk all the time everynight on here and on aol........He wants to know about what i've done during the day.i ask Him about His work....He wants to know how my kids are doing.if i've done things i know i'm sopose to have done.....I always ask about how He is feeling and He dose to me too.It's mutual respect and genuine concern for the other person..i ask Him questions about my finances, the Law (which He is an expert in),lol.things i hear on the news.But most of all i ask Him things in..general about BDSM.He's the DOM..He wants me to ask questions .He needs to know that i am curious and that i want to know
things.....i have to always ask Him first if i may ask Him a question becouse sometimes .i cant He's busy or were talking about something other than what i want to know.. This also shows intelligence .....if HE asks me at times what do you think of this my pet?..I am proud that He would even concider my opinion.it shows He cares for me and how i feel.He dosent always ask just tells me.lol.......Dosn't always do as i ask of Him, but i know and feel confident enough to ask Him and not be afraid.....So my sister subs and Brother subs.ask those questions....show interest...but remember to always ask first if your allowed to ask the question.......LOL.peace yuppergirl.Owned and Collard by NJDOM48......



TessaH -> RE: Questions and the courting process: Do you feel you should keep quiet? (11/9/2007 4:08:00 PM)

ok ... chiming in here ... my first try at dipping my toe in the forum thread waters on here.

I've been reading through about 200 men's responses and initiated CM emails to me. I select few of those I've chatted with in Yahoo and an even small percentage I've voice and cammed with ... only talk mind you. I don't do the instant dominantion thang. I have to say I've seen some distinct catagories that can be generally applied to the Dom population. I'll probably get flamed big time for this, but I think most subby's seeking a RL Dom will recognize them.

*  There are the Doms, who only want to show you naughty pictures and have you tell them how you'd like them to    dominant you.

*  The abusers in disguise, using your masochist tendencies as an excuse to let go their aggression and anger toward women

*  Sub Males who masquerade as Sensual or Switch Doms, just waiting to turn their life over to you.

* The "BURNED" long distance Doms, who use the miles between you to push you away, cause in reality they are only dreaming here. Like dogs in heat they run after you, and paint pretty pictures of tomorrows, then run away crying foul when you ask them to meet you. *sigh*

With all of them I try desparately to stay on the more cerbrial side of the convo, but that rarely works. Now, like most people, I enjoy teasing and flirting and titillation, but ulimately, then few men who I really feel compelled by are those who have invested in me as a person, counseling me to be patient and selective and careful. We have ((OMG!!)) normal conversations that flow easily in and out of the context of the lifestyle. THIS to me is a true Dominant. You don't avoid it, but you don't constantly gravitate to it either. And what lifestyle talk is engaged in, its not all sexual. In Fact, the realer and more experienced they are the more likely they are to be more stating the facts and educational in thier point of view I've found. As a newbie I can really appreciate this. In comparisons the others just come off like dogs in heat with little brains or real life - be it vanilla or otherwise. What ARE they thinking? ;p

It can be so draining and disappointing, honestly, but I am sure it is 10 times worse for men … true Doms .. seeking their significant submissive. But, you only get to seeing these different types by asking the sometimes impurtinant questions that are necessary to getting to the heart of them. I hate to push people into one of these catagories, so talk and ask tons of questions and apologize when I sometimes sounds like I am interrogating. I even joke in the first emails .. "here starts the interrogation", cause with my psychology background I know the questions to ask to get to the meat of them.If they steer shy of them I'll try again. But by the 3rd time I am done and I'll wish them good luck in their search, but inform them I don't feel we are a good match.

Tessa *-)
* always rains last .... under the trees *



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