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RE: Commitment in the lifestyle - 11/9/2007 6:29:36 AM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
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I'd say commitment to self and good judgement is more important than anything.

How long had you known him before making a commitment to him? Is his behavior today different from how presented himself before you made a commitment together? Did he mislead you, did you allow yourself to pretend it wasn't there, or was it just how he revealed himself over time?

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(in reply to ameha21)

Post #: 21

RE: Commitment in the lifestyle - 11/9/2007 7:11:22 AM

thetammyjo

Posts: 6322
Joined: 9/8/2005
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Prinsexx

quote:

ORIGINAL: thetammyjo

In that case I expect him to tell me so and if things didn't change very quickly to leave because I've all ready negated our dynamic and given up my authority.

I love that phrase negated our dynamic and given up authority.

Thank you.

I know many folks wonder when a relationship ends but I think one of the wonderful things about a negotiated Ds relationship is that it should be rather clear. You either fulfill your end of the dynamic or you don't. Personally I don't see why it's so difficult to figure out but maybe I'm just an extra freak.

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(in reply to Prinsexx)

Post #: 22

RE: Commitment in the lifestyle - 11/9/2007 7:23:27 AM

chellekitty

Posts: 3923
Joined: 3/27/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Prinsexx

I feel like death warmed up. The details of last night are just minutiae but this is what I emailed my so-called Dom this morning:
~This isn't meant with any vindictiveness as I do not have it in my heart. Last night you treated me with contempt. Real passive aggression. Less than a friend. I have found us exactly what you had asked for...a fantastic couple with a woman who lives and works in Europe and has a home here. I had discussed with her the difference in our ages and your disability...despite the fact that you are independently compensated for that and I saw passed it....others may not. And you may want to get naked. She thought that made us....bearing in mind that there is no longer an us....she thought that made us even more amazing. I am sad to hear that you feel you are not ready for a committed relationship as you put it. Commitment is the only thing that makes anything work....especially when as I have no limits except commitment. Breathing is a commitment that makes living possible. You will never get what you want unless you are courageous enough for commitment, as an astrologer, as a reiki master or as a dom. Commitment to me means freedom. I walk away from anyone who does not see it that way. As for love? I love you with all my heart and soul and always will. Everyone loves. All expressions are expressions of love. I take your contempt for me and your rejection of me as the best you know how to do at the moment. It is difficult to hear that I know from a sexually submissive female. I want you to understand all that I have just said that is all.~

no one else has said it, so i will....darling, this is dirtly laundry that has no place in this public forums...

quote:

My question is: how important is commitment in a bdsm relationship??

as so many others have said, it is important as both of you decide it is...so...did you decide it was important without giving him a chance to decide it was important? and then when you did give him a chance he ran?

i'm sorry you are hurt...but you keep running back and forth between relationships, and then coming back here and crying "i don't know what's wrong"....well, there is only one common denomenator that i can see, and that is you....you might want to take some serious time off, not just time to heal from the hurt, but some time after that, to figure out what's going on, why you are picking the partners you are, and going from there...there is more healing to be done than just the hurt that the last relationship does to us....

good luck...i say this out of love...it is painful to see these posts and not be able to fix what is wrong, but i can't...you have to do the foot work....i will support you though....i just can't send out any danged emails through CM....so if you want to send me an outside email address through CM (i can still recieve messages), i would be more than happy to talk.....

chelle...

_____________________________

One thing I know: the only ones among you who will be really happy are those who will have sought and found how to serve. ~Albert Schweitzer

(in reply to Prinsexx)

Post #: 23

RE: Commitment in the lifestyle - 11/9/2007 9:04:01 AM

Celeste43

Posts: 3066
Joined: 2/4/2006
From: NYS
Status: offline

Commitment is important in any relationship, but if he doesn't feel what he needs from this relationship to commit, then it just means you aren't compatible.

(in reply to LATEXBABY64)

Post #: 24

RE: Commitment in the lifestyle - 11/9/2007 9:10:09 AM

KatyLied

Posts: 13029
Joined: 2/24/2005
From: Pennsylvania
Status: offline

How long as the relationship been going on? Not everyone is going to commit to something immediately. I know that I don't. I like to see how things will progress without putting a lot of strain on a new relationship. Some people need a lot of commitment up front. I've always thought that actions speak louder than words. I try to see if someone is able to match their words with their behavior.

_____________________________

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(in reply to Celeste43)

Post #: 25

RE: Commitment in the lifestyle - 11/9/2007 9:17:16 AM

MystressDream

Posts: 345
Joined: 7/11/2004
From: Colorado
Status: offline

We are all different, obviously.... but, for me, without some kind of commitment there is nothing.

Now, this relates to an actual D/s or M/s relationship... not to a casual play partner. However, even in play, one could say that there is a comittment to that moment in time... to dedicating ourselves to the pleasure and the needs involved there. I guess it is semantics.

But, to establish a long term D/s or M/s relationship, comittment is obviously a must.

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(in reply to Prinsexx)

Post #: 26

RE: Commitment in the lifestyle - 11/9/2007 9:52:18 AM

Prinsexx

Posts: 4584
Joined: 8/27/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: ameha21

i give the details of slavery under me to every girl that approaches me about being a slave and make it clear to them how serious i am. i tell them if they're not all that serious/commited to the lifestyle to just move-on. a few fess up and move on. but many don't. they'll pretend to be interested. then the next day i message them, and they act like they have no idea who i am. some girls have kept on apperances for weeks/ months (even years a couple of times). so yea, commitment is important in BDSM. no vanilla man or woman would tolerate someone that they marry then the next day would start cheating, etc. trust and commitment is even more important, because there's more intimacy in bdsm. you have to trust the other person on a deeper level. a slave has to trust her master that he wouldn't physically damage her. a master has to trust her that she truelly enjoys what's done to her. if there is no trust, it goes from bdsm to abuse. and in today's political enviroment, consensual bdsm is a sin/crime to some people as much as domestic rape/abuse.

All of this is very supportive thank you so much.

(in reply to ameha21)

Post #: 27

RE: Commitment in the lifestyle - 11/9/2007 9:55:04 AM

Prinsexx

Posts: 4584
Joined: 8/27/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: MystressDream

We are all different, obviously.... but, for me, without some kind of commitment there is nothing.

Now, this relates to an actual D/s or M/s relationship... not to a casual play partner. However, even in play, one could say that there is a comittment to that moment in time... to dedicating ourselves to the pleasure and the needs involved there. I guess it is semantics.

But, to establish a long term D/s or M/s relationship, comittment is obviously a must.

I am eeling better...it isn't that I want even to be right about the predicament I was in as I hurt too much to want to be right or wrong.
It's just that I had an instinct and have an instinct for commitment (even though I know the semantics are always difficult. I particularly love your comment about short term play...yes...a short but succinct commitment.
Thank you.

(in reply to MystressDream)

Post #: 28

RE: Commitment in the lifestyle - 11/9/2007 10:00:12 AM

Prinsexx

Posts: 4584
Joined: 8/27/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: KatyLied

How long as the relationship been going on? Not everyone is going to commit to something immediately. I know that I don't. I like to see how things will progress without putting a lot of strain on a new relationship. Some people need a lot of commitment up front. I've always thought that actions speak louder than words. I try to see if someone is able to match their words with their behavior.

I understand. And it wasn't that I was the first to raise the issue of commitment. From what he was demanding....and it was completely up to and pushedme beyond my limits..I had assumed he was commited, first to my safety, secondly to my consent and third to our trust of each other . So in oher words I had assumed that but it was him that said flippantly oh I have a problem with commitment and I fell out of the sky, went awol, lost all feelings of safety, ownership, guidance, lost the dynamic. Actually those words dropped the dynamic.
Today I have had texts asking for the relationship to be resumed. Like what??????How? Why? Resume the fisting in free falll whilst patachuting out of an aircraft. Do me a favour.

(in reply to KatyLied)

Post #: 29

RE: Commitment in the lifestyle - 11/9/2007 10:01:23 AM

Prinsexx

Posts: 4584
Joined: 8/27/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Celeste43

Commitment is important in any relationship, but if he doesn't feel what he needs from this relationship to commit, then it just means you aren't compatible.

Incompatiblity best describes it.

(in reply to Celeste43)

Post #: 30

RE: Commitment in the lifestyle - 11/9/2007 12:37:35 PM

meticulousgirl

Posts: 969
Joined: 2/20/2007
Status: offline

Commitment isn't required in every one's book but to be honest I cant imagine serving someone, giving everything up for someone who could just abuse me, neglect me, and not value us while throwing it all away.

Take the statement for what you will but if a Dom doesn't value the relationship in progress how do you possibly expect them to value you as Their slave.

~meticulous~

(in reply to LATEXBABY64)

Post #: 31

RE: Commitment in the lifestyle - 11/9/2007 3:56:42 PM

AnimusRex

Posts: 2165
Joined: 5/13/2006
Status: offline

Every now and then a phrase is uttered or read, that strikes a resounding chord...this is one:

"... I have no limits except commitment."

I wish the world was not round; I wish gravity did not exist; I wish good things could be obtained without work, effort, and commitment.

(in reply to Prinsexx)

Post #: 32

RE: Commitment in the lifestyle - 11/9/2007 4:33:41 PM

asubmissiveheart

Posts: 462
Joined: 11/20/2006
Status: offline

I disagree, this is the place to speak about relationships.
This is a BDSM message board.
Prinsexx did not name names or give any personal information.

I appreciate hearing stories like this, this is how we learn and this is how we grow.

Don't try to stiffle people, if you don't want to read it, don't read it.

Prinsexx had a right to post this, and I am glad she did.

Committment is also very important to me Prinsexx, without a solid committment,
I don't feel I am in a relationship.

< Message edited by asubmissiveheart -- 11/9/2007 4:35:00 PM >

(in reply to chellekitty)

Post #: 33

RE: Commitment in the lifestyle - 11/9/2007 6:04:38 PM

shootingstar67

Posts: 195
Joined: 10/29/2007
Status: offline

I get too emotionally attached to my Dominant. I need a solid friendship. It doesn't have to be a love relationship but a real friendship has to be there.And my idea of a real friendship is one that lasts forever.I have several male friends lasting twenty years ..twenty five years. I need that in my life

(in reply to LATEXBABY64)

Post #: 34

RE: Commitment in the lifestyle - 11/9/2007 7:23:08 PM

PsyVamp

Posts: 1026
Joined: 10/30/2006
Status: offline

Commitment takes different forms in my life but no matter what it entails, it is always of top importance.
I am very loyal to everyone that I'm involved with, whether it be a friend or a lover or anyone in between. When things seem like they are not as we would hope, I do not just give up and walk away, I try to renegotiate and put the relationship in the arena it belongs. A friend may turn into a lover or a lover into a pet; a slave may turn into my best friend. It makes no difference as long as they are willing to give as much as I do.

I am sorry that you were hurt. I know its part of life but that doesn't lessen the pain at times.

Psy(Lady Jag)

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(in reply to Prinsexx)

Post #: 35

RE: Commitment in the lifestyle - 11/9/2007 8:38:25 PM

velvetears

Posts: 2933
Joined: 6/19/2006
Status: offline

Commitment is something that has to develop and grow between two people. i don't think committment is owed us for the things we enage ourselves in with our partner. This is the feeling i get from prinsexx, that she got involved and did some things with this dom which, she felt would lead him to committment, instead of feeling the security of the committment and then letting go and getting herself involved in these things. If i do things without feeling that solid committment i can't turn around and call dirty pool from the dom because i have to take responsibility for my own actions. He doesn't owe me because i gave myself to him. Personally this is where i think a lot of relationships go off track because it's a male vs female way of thinking. Dom pushes sub to do (xyz) he enjoys himself, sub gives dom (xyz) and feels he then must feel committed to her to have taken (xyz) - hope i am making sense, it's late and i am tired... feel like i am repeating myself lol

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(in reply to PsyVamp)

Post #: 36

RE: Commitment in the lifestyle - 11/9/2007 8:41:06 PM

KnightofMists

Posts: 7149
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Prinsexx
My question is: how important is commitment in a bdsm relationship??

commitment in any relationship is important for the relationship to endure

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Knight of Mists

An Optimal relationship is achieved when the individuals do what is best for themselves and their relationship.

(in reply to Prinsexx)

Post #: 37

RE: Commitment in the lifestyle - 11/9/2007 9:27:58 PM

SeekingMyrmidon

Posts: 47
Joined: 11/2/2007
Status: offline

It's as important as it is in any sort of relationship, which means it's as important as it is to the individuals *in* the relationship. Generalizations are irrelevant -- if it's important to you then it's important in your relationships.

(Although I wouldn't say that someone not wanting to make a commitment means that they're not a Dom -- the "so-called" Dom comment makes it seem like you have a set role that you want your Dom to play. Might be something to explore on your own, even if it is the voice of frustration speaking.)

If the person in the relationship with you has different priorities and goals, then you should consider ending it quickly and finding someone with whom you *are* compatible.

A thing to consider (which you may have already at some point in your journey): is it actually commitment that's vital to you, or appreciation? It's something I've run across before, and have discovered that on the surface it can look like the same need, but it's not always.

Another thing to consider: different folks have different definitions of commitment, and if it's very important to you, it's a good idea to be able to describe what sort of commitment you need. (To the people you're hoping to have it with, not to me :>)

Here's hoping the situation ends in a positive manner for everyone concerned.

_____________________________

"What is done out of love always takes place beyond good and evil."
-- Nietzsche

(in reply to Prinsexx)

Post #: 38

RE: Commitment in the lifestyle - 11/9/2007 10:35:09 PM

MasterFireMaam

Posts: 5587
Joined: 3/1/2006
From: Charleston, WV
Status: offline

It doesn't really matter how important we think it is. It's how important you think it is...yet you don't seem to want to allow that to be enough. You were hurt...and it's a crappy thing to have to go through...but all we can do is to hurt with you. In the end, you have to set your own standards.

Master Fire

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(in reply to Prinsexx)

Post #: 39

RE: Commitment in the lifestyle - 11/10/2007 1:40:17 AM

shootingstar67

Posts: 195
Joined: 10/29/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: velvetears

He doesn't owe me because i gave myself to him. Personally this is where i think a lot of relationships go off track because it's a male vs female way of thinking. Dom pushes sub to do (xyz) he enjoys himself, sub gives dom (xyz) and feels he then must feel committed to her to have taken (xyz) - hope i am making sense, it's late and i am tired... feel like i am repeating myself lol

That pretty much sums it up. In my opinion a good leader won't push you to do something that will in the long run hurt you and the relationship. This is the difference between a good leader and a just a dom.

(in reply to velvetears)

Post #: 40

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