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ORIGINAL: CreativeDominant 

Nicely said, velvetears.  This same thing can be seen in the vanilla arena where you see guys pushing the girl to have sex because he enjoys it and does not necessarily see sex as carrying the same emotional ties and commitment that many (note that I did not say all) women do.  It happens in D/s and BDSM play too...a submissive states that she likes to do X, Y, and Z and does not specify that it has to be with a dominant that she is committed to in a long-term relationship.  So then the dominant pushes her to do X, Y, and Z and she does...enthusiastically and with gusto...and then she is disappointed because he doesn't feel committed to her because...even though she did not make it clear that she expects commitment with doing X, Y, and Z...she thought that, given the types of behavior that X, Y, and Z are, he would KNOW that.

inserting myself here....Yes actually this is closer to what happened than almost anything else. It is clear looking back that he could do and say almosy all of what he did do and said swithout any commitment at all. Big lesson for me as I have always come a cropper, even in vanilla relationships with an assumption of cmmitment.

Funny...and I know it gets stated here a lot...but some honest communication about commitment and what certain actions and words mean within the context of whatever it is you are building would seem to be helpful in most D/s encounters from the beginning.

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ORIGINAL: eyesopened

Relationships work when there are shared goals.  Those goals may be limited to a particular scene or event.  A relationship between play partners or even casual partners will work when the goals of the parties involved are in synch.  Two do not need to be equally yoked as long as they are pulling in the same direction. 

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ORIGINAL: chellekitty

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ORIGINAL: Prinsexx

I feel like death warmed up. The details of last night are just minutiae but this is what I emailed my so-called Dom this morning:
~This isn't meant with any vindictiveness as I do not have it in my heart. Last night you treated me with contempt. Real passive aggression. Less than a friend. I have found us exactly what you had asked for...a fantastic couple with a woman who lives and works in Europe and has a home here. I had discussed with her the difference in our ages and your disability...despite the fact that you are independently compensated for that and I saw passed it....others may not. And you may want to get naked. She thought that made us....bearing in mind that there is no longer an us....she thought that made us even more amazing. I am sad to hear that you feel you are not ready for a committed relationship as you put it. Commitment is the only thing that makes anything work....especially when as I have no limits except commitment. Breathing is a commitment that makes living possible. You will never get what you want unless you are courageous enough for commitment, as an astrologer, as a reiki master or as a dom. Commitment to me means freedom. I walk away from anyone who does not see it that way. As for love? I love you with all my heart and soul and always will. Everyone loves. All expressions are expressions of love. I take your contempt for me and your rejection of me as the best you know how to do at the moment. It is difficult to hear that I know from a sexually submissive female. I want you to understand all that I have just said that is all.~

no one else has said it, so i will....darling, this is dirtly laundry that has no place in this public forums...

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My question is: how important is commitment in a bdsm relationship??

as so many others have said, it is important as both of you decide it is...so...did you decide it was important without giving him a chance to decide it was important? and then when you did give him a chance he ran?

i'm sorry you are hurt...but you keep running back and forth between relationships, and then coming back here and crying "i don't know what's wrong"....well, there is only one common denomenator that i can see, and that is you....you might want to take some serious time off, not just time to heal from the hurt, but some time after that, to figure out what's going on, why you are picking the partners you are, and going from there...there is more healing to be done than just the hurt that the last relationship does to us....

good luck...i say this out of love...it is painful to see these posts and not be able to fix what is wrong, but i can't...you have to do the foot work....i will support you though....i just can't send out any danged emails through CM....so if you want to send me an outside email address through CM (i can still recieve messages), i would be more than happy to talk.....

chelle...