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RE: meeting. what safety measures do you take - 11/10/2007 7:23:08 PM   
Maya2001


Posts: 1656
Joined: 8/22/2007
From: Woodstock ONT,CANADA
Status: offline 		Several people have made mention of making a safe call in the event you are not sure what is meant this link has details about it and what is required in the event things go wrong inorder to get help for you   http://www.darkrose.com/bdsmarticles.html#SAFE%20CALLS

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RE: meeting. what safety measures do you take - 11/10/2007 11:04:03 PM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline 		For everyone considering a safe call, just remember that their only real use is to let someone know where to start looking for the body.  Otherwise, they don't actually DO anything to keep anyone safe at all.

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Profile   Post #: 22
RE: meeting. what safety measures do you take - 11/10/2007 11:44:34 PM   
bipolarber


Posts: 2792
Joined: 9/25/2004
Status: offline 		About the only time I'd ask for ID from someone is if it were someone I'd met at a play party, and wanted to go home with them. (Doesn't happen but once in a blue moon, but it HAS happened before...) I take the ID, find or borrow a phone, and call home, leaving the name, address and other pertinent info on my answering machine... along with a time frame for calling the authorities for anyone finding the message. (Or, you can text message it to a friend or calling circle, if you prefer.)

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)
Profile   Post #: 23
RE: meeting. what safety measures do you take - 11/11/2007 2:11:44 AM   
beeble


Posts: 799
Joined: 5/25/2005
From: UK
Status: offline
quote:

AnimusRex wrote: ... we don't live in a world where men are routinely raped by women (and if there is such a place, please pass along the location to Me, won't you? thanks)

I realise that was just a crass joke. But, man, that was a really crass joke.

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Profile   Post #: 24
RE: meeting. what safety measures do you take - 11/12/2007 8:04:59 PM   
lockmeupplease


Posts: 202
Joined: 8/9/2006
Status: offline 		As a male sub, I always met the prospective mistress for dinner first and tried to get a feel if there was chemistry AND look for any warning signs.  If we decided to meet again specifically to "play", I would try to have them come to my house and have a friend who I would arrange a safety call with. I always let the mistress know in advance that this call would take place, and they all told me it was smart.  They in turn would know my address and phone number and be able to arrange their own call.

(in reply to shootingstar67)
Profile   Post #: 25
RE: meeting. what safety measures do you take - 11/12/2007 10:41:34 PM   
Honsoku


Posts: 422
Joined: 6/26/2007
Status: offline 		I'm a guy, so my methods may be a bit different as I am not generally concerned with being physically overpowered or intimidated.

For first meets;

The Rules I never break:

Always someplace public like a restaurant or a mall. If the meet location is unfamiliar to you, inspect it and the nearby streets well prior to the meeting. Know the terrain well, period. Ask yourself the question "if I was out to get me, how would I plan to accomplish that at this location?". Take your best few ideas and develop counter plans and/or things to avoid. Two things to remember: good intel is your best friend and speed kills.

When in doubt, walk away.

A rule I sometimes break:

Talk to them on the phone at least once prior to meeting.

The problem with asking for names, addresses, references, etc, as proof is that they all can be made up. The information can be useful for weeding out the stupid and incompetent, but those aren't the people you really have to worry about, now are they? I wouldn't give out my address, driver's license, nor other people's names and/or numbers (references), neither would I request those from another (as it is information I wouldn't dispense).

Honsoku

< Message edited by Honsoku -- 11/12/2007 11:11:26 PM >

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Profile   Post #: 26
RE: meeting. what safety measures do you take - 11/14/2007 11:04:53 AM   
Dnomyar


Posts: 7933
Joined: 6/27/2005
Status: offline 		I don't know what to say on this one. I have met women in public places. I have had sex on the first meeting. I have never had a problem with either. Go with whatever you feel comfortable with.  

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Profile   Post #: 27
RE: meeting. what safety measures do you take - 11/14/2007 4:02:48 PM   
pinksugarsub


Posts: 1224
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: shootingstar67

Do you check references or ask for ID?  And do you give out the same information you demand? What information will you require upon first meeting? What information do you provide?


i am much more selective about whom i date, and i let Them collect me at my townhouse just as i would a vanilla guy.  If after dinner i feel comfortable, i may invite the Man in for coffee (i.e., snuggling and making out).  i don't have safe calls anymore and i don't feel at risk. 
 
i don't recommend my approach to A/anyone, but it seems to work for me.  The key for me is a level of comfort with a Man prior to first meeting Him.  Absent that, i wouldn't meet Stephen Seagal, lol.
 
pinksugarsub

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Profile   Post #: 28
RE: meeting. what safety measures do you take - 11/14/2007 4:10:12 PM   
sexyred1


Posts: 8998
Joined: 8/9/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: shootingstar67

Do you check references or ask for ID?  And do you give out the same information you demand? What information will you require upon first meeting? What information do you provide?


Perhaps it is because I am currently job hunting, and getting references means something else but....I cannot understand when people say, "lifestyle" references.

What does that even mean?? They recommend that for those new to this, but I can tell you as someone who is NOT new, I have never once in my life asked a guy for "references" unless I was hiring him.

What would a lifestyle reference assure you of anyway? It would be akin to a set up date; the person says, oh he is great, you will love him and then he date rapes you. What good did that do?

I say for a first meeting, public place, no one picks me up at home or comes up to my apartment on first date (been there, done that, too soon, mistake). I think if you feel comfortable with someone and they with you, and you are both patient in those first tenative meetings in public, things usually go ok.

And I never had to ask for ID, although I can usually spot a liar; there is a way of questioning without seeming too intrusive that usually reveals things.



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Profile   Post #: 29
RE: meeting. what safety measures do you take - 11/14/2007 4:47:43 PM   
chellekitty


Posts: 3923
Joined: 3/27/2005
Status: offline 		when i ask for lifestyle references...i usually only ask if they are actively part of a community and then i will ask about them in that community, after i let them know what i am doing...or if we know the same people...its not a garuntee...but it will sometimes give me an idea of what image they present to the public...and i might fudge up and get a disgruntled ex or something....but i take it with a grain of salt...and i don't do it with everyone i meet...mostly just people i am doing something casual with...or demo bottoming for that i have never met, and they do an open call on a email list or something like that...

as for safety measures for men....i would think that in general...most of the safety measures would have to be to protect your ass in case the chick goes nuts on you and changes her mind...thats why you meet in public..thats why you take it slow...not because you're gonna end up dead, per se, but because you don't want to end up in jail for sexual assault or rape or just plain assault....


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Profile   Post #: 30
RE: meeting. what safety measures do you take - 11/14/2007 4:52:40 PM   
sexyred1


Posts: 8998
Joined: 8/9/2007
Status: offline 		I see your point, chelle. I guess because I have never engaged in the public side of things (with the exception of that year getting involved with TES in NYC...but that is another story), I did not understand the reference thing. And, due to that short time with a public organization, I saw so much politicizing, back biting, disgruntled exes, as you pointed out, that all references would have to be taken with a grain of salt, again as you say.

And I agree that men have as much to lose as women; sometimes we forget that.

(in reply to chellekitty)
Profile   Post #: 31
RE: meeting. what safety measures do you take - 11/14/2007 4:53:20 PM   
DrkJourney


Posts: 1917
Joined: 5/6/2007
Status: offline 		My problem is trying to get the person to ask questions about me.  The want to do the auto slave thing and say they don't feel comfortable asking, although they can ask in detail about sexual things....lol   Kind of makes me uncomfortable when they don't care enough to found out about me...to me it's nothing but a hook up

On the subject of when I do meet someone...well let's just say I have several relatives in law enforcement around here...so they are their buddies know where I am at all times....lol



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Profile   Post #: 32
RE: meeting. what safety measures do you take - 11/14/2007 4:59:57 PM   
Solinear


Posts: 283
Joined: 1/8/2007
Status: offline 		Everyone must have their own transportation, names must be exchanged, ID displayed to prove (as much as you can).

Much like locks on the door to your house, these are not measures to keep the psycho stalkers away - nothing will work with them, they are measures to keep the honest people honest (or at least the recently honest or stupid dishonest).

No policy is complete proof of avoiding issues.  A serious psycho (serial killer type) could get a fake ID, steal some old guy's car or do any number of other creepy things to basically get around your safety measures.  There have been several serial killers that live 2 completely separate lives and basically are impossible to spot from your 'perfect match' and there won't be any way to tell the difference other than your gut feeling.  Some small measures can make all the difference though.

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Profile   Post #: 33
RE: meeting. what safety measures do you take - 11/15/2007 5:22:36 AM   
Dnomyar


Posts: 7933
Joined: 6/27/2005
Status: offline 		Solinear. Not everyone has their own transportation. So are you just going to cross them off your list.

(in reply to Solinear)
Profile   Post #: 34
RE: meeting. what safety measures do you take - 11/15/2007 5:33:15 AM   
shootingstar67


Posts: 195
Joined: 10/29/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Dnomyar

Solinear. Not everyone has their own transportation. So are you just going to cross them off your list.


Everyone can take a bus.

I take the bus everywhere. I'd take the bus where I was meeting the person but would be very tempted to accept a ride back if offered. I'd probably call in an ID at that point.

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Profile   Post #: 35
RE: meeting. what safety measures do you take - 11/15/2007 5:59:08 AM   
MistressNoName


Posts: 664
Joined: 10/26/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: shootingstar67

Do you check references or ask for ID? And do you give out the same information you demand? What information will you require upon first meeting? What information do you provide?


Generally speaking, first meetings are daytime get-togethers in a well-lit, well-populated place, ie: a Starbucks or other busy place where we can sit down and chat. I am out to a couple of friends and my sister...generally, I use my sister as my safe call...I also let one of my other friends know where I will be and they know if I don't call at a certain time, they are to alert authorities. The two exceptions were: 1) very early on, when I was subbing, I was not out yet to anyone...and I left a note detailing who I was meeting, where and his telephone number...and he had also shared with me where he worked, so I included that in the note as well as his picture. the 2nd exception was: when I was starting out as Domme, I met a boy for a one-time play session in his hotel room. I was out to my sister by that time and I used her as my safecall...I set a no-drinking rule and though I cannot for certain state he'd had nothing to drink, I did not smell any liquor on his breath.
I also once met a boy in a bar...It was a bar night/fundraising event that one of my lifestyle groups was giving. Since many of my lifestyle friends were there, I did not feel a need for an outside safe call...and the boy behaved himself as a perfect gentleman.

So there are always exceptions to rules, but one should have a general rule of thumb to follow that decreases one's level of risk...no meet-up is guaranteed safe no matter what your precautions happen to be. But take precautions that make sense, I would say don't make it a practice to play on the first meet-up, but weigh the situation carefully, b/c sometimes it might be just fine to do so. And if you do decide to drink alcohol at a first meet-up, do not go beyond your limits and watch your drink at all times...hell, even if you just go for coffee, watch your drink at all times. Also, please don't meet anyone in a parking lot. There is only one reason why a man will request a meet-up in a parking lot and that is to get you into a compromising situation...As much as you can,

Be Safe, not Sorry

MNN

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Profile   Post #: 36
RE: meeting. what safety measures do you take - 11/15/2007 6:07:33 AM   
MistressNoName


Posts: 664
Joined: 10/26/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: sexyred1

quote:

ORIGINAL: shootingstar67

Do you check references or ask for ID? And do you give out the same information you demand? What information will you require upon first meeting? What information do you provide?


Perhaps it is because I am currently job hunting, and getting references means something else but....I cannot understand when people say, "lifestyle" references.

What does that even mean?? They recommend that for those new to this, but I can tell you as someone who is NOT new, I have never once in my life asked a guy for "references" unless I was hiring him.

What would a lifestyle reference assure you of anyway? It would be akin to a set up date; the person says, oh he is great, you will love him and then he date rapes you. What good did that do?

I say for a first meeting, public place, no one picks me up at home or comes up to my apartment on first date (been there, done that, too soon, mistake). I think if you feel comfortable with someone and they with you, and you are both patient in those first tenative meetings in public, things usually go ok.

And I never had to ask for ID, although I can usually spot a liar; there is a way of questioning without seeming too intrusive that usually reveals things.





Regarding IDs and references: I have never asked for either...many guys who respond to my ad tend to be newbies, some not all, but a good amount...if they are not newbies, they mostly are not involved in the local community...but I always ask if they have any community involvment and if they do, I might as one of my friends in the life if they know anything about a guy...I did that in a situation where a Dom expressed an interest in whipping me...I ended up declining after asking 4 people about his skill level and only one had anything positive to say about him. So I declined b/c I didn't want to be his guinea pig.

If you are able to find out about a person, do so...but many times, that kind of information is difficult to get if you happen to be new to the scene and don't know anyone yet. If it's a situation where someone wants to play with you, try to read up on scene negotiation and practice your skills...know your limits...know yourself and don't be afraid to say "no."

MNN

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Profile   Post #: 37
RE: meeting. what safety measures do you take - 11/15/2007 5:35:42 PM   
ABMaster


Posts: 17
Joined: 3/9/2007
Status: offline 		If you're meeting for coffee in a public place, just to see if you like each other in person, no personal information needs to be exchanged yet except for some basics.

She has a right to know what I do for work, but not where I do it. She has a right to know my first name and my exact age, but not my address. Yet.

Only if you both decide to go forward should BOTH be entitled to know who the other is.

For a first private meeting for play, both Dom and sub should have a safety person who will know where you'll be. Doms aren't the only ones who can be dangerous!

Call your safety person before closing the door, confirming your location, and again at least once while you're alone together, and again when you are safely back in public.

As you get to know each other better, the safety person won't be necessary for long, but it's pretty important for a first private meeting.

(in reply to shootingstar67)
Profile   Post #: 38
RE: meeting. what safety measures do you take - 11/15/2007 7:00:48 PM   
RumpusParable


Posts: 1923
Joined: 7/7/2005
From: NYC now!
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: shootingstar67

Do you check references or ask for ID?  And do you give out the same information you demand? What information will you require upon first meeting? What information do you provide?


Depends on if it's personal or pro.

If it's personal, I don't really ask for anything specific... just what comes up in normal conversation.  If their age is at all in question then I ask to see an ID to verify age.  And I'm fine with doing the same in return for that purpose. 

A first meeting it just a cup of meal or sitting in a park with someone, I don't feel I need any great amount of information to just talk to someone casually.  I take exactly the same amount of risk getting into a chat with the person in line at the store behind me.

< Message edited by RumpusParable -- 11/15/2007 7:04:19 PM >

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(in reply to shootingstar67)
Profile   Post #: 39
RE: meeting. what safety measures do you take - 11/16/2007 10:46:01 PM   
grlneedstolearn


Posts: 728
Joined: 1/29/2007
Status: offline 		From my previous encounters with Doms, i will ask for a public place inbetween their place and mine, and somewhere where i know how to get to and from. But i took the chance with my Dom and he came over the first time, which i'm happy i stuck with him. But i would not do that again.

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Profile   Post #: 40
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