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To Tell Or Not? - 8/7/2005 5:47:10 PM   
feline


Posts: 1101
Joined: 2/23/2004
From: CA
Status: offline 		Ladies and gentlemen . . . . .

If you found out you had a terminal illness would you tell your Dom/me or would you keep it to yourself and enjoy what time you had left with him/her?
Ok, I realize this question is very basic, that's what I was going for. If you need more detail to answer it, sorry.






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RE: To Tell Or Not? - 8/7/2005 6:01:07 PM   
BlkTallFullfig


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quote:

ORIGINAL: feline
Ladies and gentlemen . . . . .
If you found out you had a terminal illness would you tell your Dom/me or would you keep it to yourself and enjoy what time you had left with him/her?
Yes absolutely I would tell my sub, and would expect my sub to tell me, or I would seriously resent him and have to deal with those issues alone after he left/passed. M

< Message edited by BlkTallFullfig -- 8/7/2005 6:02:19 PM >

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RE: To Tell Or Not? - 8/7/2005 6:05:43 PM   
seattlenat


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I have had experience with this topic in my vanilla life, but I think it is still applicable. My husband (fiance at the time) was diagnosed with stage 3 melanoma. We went through it all together, the chemo, the sickness, the sugery, every appointment. If he would have hid that from me, until the end, I would have not been able to cope. When he did die, I had those times, memories, that closeness to fall back on for strength. If you two have a committed, serious relationship, then it wouldn't be fair to him to find out days before the end. And, for the one with the illness, there is nothing like having someone to talk to, cry to, share your fears with. Without a doubt, I'd say tell them.

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RE: To Tell Or Not? - 8/7/2005 6:09:19 PM   
smilezz


Posts: 2156
Joined: 6/18/2004
Status: offline 		Thorns and i have a promise of communication. This to us is one of the core things that make each of us tick, so to speak. If i am not telling Him something....small or big....i am not communicating those things. I will add that there are times that i will mull things over for a few moments/hours/day....then approach Him with it....but never would i keep something from Him.

~smilezz~

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RE: To Tell Or Not? - 8/7/2005 6:10:32 PM   
babebirdy


Posts: 16
Joined: 6/15/2005
Status: offline 		tell Him, there is no way I would every even want to think about not telling something like that to One that means so much in my life.

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RE: To Tell Or Not? - 8/7/2005 6:39:24 PM   
sub4hire


Posts: 6775
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline 		Before meeting Doug I was negotiating with a dom who had skin cancer. Only thing was it had covered 70% of his body. He took himself out of the running to be my dom. I would have stood by him...yet I understood his point.
He still remains one of my very good friends within the scene. Still alive but a whole lot of close calls over the years as well.

So, yes. Relationships aren't always 100% positive. To have a good one you have ups and downs and still make it through them.

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RE: To Tell Or Not? - 8/7/2005 6:41:03 PM   
sanita


Posts: 338
Joined: 1/30/2005
Status: offline 		i would tell Him. i would need Him. and i would tell Him.

mom and best friend, too. but i'd have to wait until i was ready to cry, 'cause they'd be crying, and i'd not be able to keep from it.

feline. i hope beyond hope that this is purely hypotheical.

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RE: To Tell Or Not? - 8/7/2005 6:41:27 PM   
Mylee


Posts: 217
Joined: 6/19/2005
Status: offline 		I had a very serious illness, the idea of not telling Him didnt even enter my mind, He needs to always know what's going on with me, not only so he deosnt hurt me, buit because He loves me, trusts me and needs me, and to not tell Him would be...omitting a truth..one that He woundlt thank me for later if not telling...


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RE: To Tell Or Not? - 8/7/2005 6:59:47 PM   
BlouLady


Posts: 170
Joined: 2/8/2005
Status: offline 		I truely hope this is hypotheical. You have to tell.That's the kind of thing that's cruel to keep to yourself.Cruel for both of you.You need the comfort and so does he.

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RE: To Tell Or Not? - 8/7/2005 7:05:27 PM   
EmeraldSlave2


Posts: 3645
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Status: offline 		On a SOLELY practical level I can't imagine not telling. Plans should be made, people should be prepared. You might think you're saving them from hurt, but what about when they find out the day you die (which they will)? With no life preparations in place?

Also, I don't really know of any terminal illnesses that don't start seriously affecting you BEFORE you die...that will only lead to more lies and hiding and pain. Rather than working together as a team and doing what you can together you will be keeping you both as dark islands.

Now, on a RELATIONSHIP issue, it pretty much throws out the concept of trust, honesty, communication and makes it impossible for the dominant to be effective.

I suggest if a person wants to go down this road they simply ask for release, hope it's granted and then disappear.

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RE: To Tell Or Not? - 8/7/2005 7:08:41 PM   
nenakajira


Posts: 221
Joined: 7/14/2005
Status: offline 		Wow feline, I can't imagine not telling your Dom/me or owner or life partner or anyone you cared deeply for something of that nature.

As to telling my owner...... its his job to insure my health and take care of me, to some degree. Im his property. How can he properly make decisions if he does not have all the facts? Besides, that would be one hell of a lie by omission. Eesh.

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RE: To Tell Or Not? - 8/7/2005 8:49:37 PM   
Lordandmaster


Posts: 10943
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Status: offline 		You have to tell your partner. Otherwise you'd be lying to him or her.

Funny, with all this jabber lately about "honesty," that someone would seriously consider hiding a terminal illness from one's partner.

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RE: To Tell Or Not? - 8/7/2005 9:41:01 PM   
harmony3709


Posts: 292
Joined: 11/15/2004
Status: offline 		(Hoping this is just a hypothetical question here, feline) I would absolutely tell, although I must admit knowing the pain I was inflicting by doing so would hurt me. But as others have said, communication is an absolute in our relationship and even if I was physicaly able to keep it from my Master, (which is highly unlikely), I know that my need to obey him would compel me to tell him.

Also, I can't help but think of my Grandmother who did not tell any of the family that she had cancer. She didn't live near any of us, so that made it easier for her to keep it a secret. After her death I was told she had had cancer and I asked how she could not have had any symptoms and thought that maybe she had brushed it off as old age. I was then told that she had known for a long time. The hurt and anger I felt and still feel is not the way I wanted to remember her.

I would not my Master to remember me in that way, with anger and hurt, as if I had so little respect for our relationship and committment to communication and honesty that I would not tell him something like that.

Blessed be,
harmony

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RE: To Tell Or Not? - 8/7/2005 10:25:22 PM   
Gauge


Posts: 5689
Joined: 6/17/2005
Status: offline 		What baffles me here about this question is that there would be someone in a loving, caring relationship with someone and NOT tell their partner that they had a terminal illness. Kind of throws the concept of what a relationship should be right out the proverbial window.

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RE: To Tell Or Not? - 8/8/2005 3:43:36 AM   
perfection20005


Posts: 419
Joined: 4/20/2005
Status: offline 		I would definately tell Him. Communication is what this is all about, along with trust and honesty.

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RE: To Tell Or Not? - 8/8/2005 4:47:59 AM   
feline


Posts: 1101
Joined: 2/23/2004
From: CA
Status: offline
quote:

That's the kind of thing that's cruel to keep to yourself

Aaaah but that's your opinion. What if I don't see it that way. What if I see it as saving him the anguish that having the knowledge will create? Sparing him, as you will.


quote:

I don't really know of any terminal illnesses that don't start seriously affecting you BEFORE you die

I work in the medical industry, they exist.

quote:

Plans should be made,

I got news for you, plans can be made way in advanced without anyones (family etc.) prior knowledge.

quote:

makes it impossible for the dominant to be effective.

effective in what way???

quote:

its his job to insure my health and take care of me,

Not ALL Doms believe this. In fact some believe it is "your" duty to take care of yourself or "property".

quote:

The hurt and anger I felt and still feel is not the way I wanted to remember her.

Did you ever stop to think she didn't want your pity in her last days. No matter what you believe when people find out things like this it changes the way they view you. And I don't know about you, but I'm not one for pity. I find it sad you feel angry about your grandmother. It was her business, and she chose not to tell you.

quote:

that there would be someone in a loving, caring relationship with someone and NOT tell their partner that they had a terminal illness.

What if the person couldn't stand to face the hurt it would create for the other person? Or they didn't want it to change the dynamic of the relationship they already had?







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< Message edited by feline -- 8/8/2005 4:53:58 AM >

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RE: To Tell Or Not? - 8/8/2005 5:29:48 AM   
tinkJH


Posts: 180
Joined: 5/22/2005
Status: offline 		I can't fathom not telling him. I would even find a way to tell my children. Even if it was a simply mommy is going away. There would be A LOT I would have to do, like see that Master's adoption of the kids was pushed through the courts. The thought of me becomming terminally ill and at some point not being able to be with them, is worse to me then the fact I wouldnt be able to be with master. And sadly... it would make me more upset that I'd not be there for my daughter. And... Im actually crying at the thought.. So, I can't talk about this anymore. Im gonna go read to the kids.

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RE: To Tell Or Not? - 8/8/2005 6:12:55 AM   
RumpusParable


Posts: 1923
Joined: 7/7/2005
From: NYC now!
Status: offline 		my applier and i are married, it wouldnt be realistic to hide something that big... additionally, they are my support system and the only one who would be handling my affairs, will and living-will (if it became needed).

whether or not i would share the info with other people/family is subject to consideration and a possible "no".

but M and i would handle illness together, but then we already have long-term illness that we deal with so it's not a completely new consideration or area of thought for us.

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RE: To Tell Or Not? - 8/8/2005 6:58:11 AM   
softandshy


Posts: 297
Joined: 5/10/2005
Status: offline 		i would tell, i'd have to for both of us. i do understand that one might consider not telling to protect a partner or even to prevent abandonment, but i couldn't live with myself knowing that i'd kept that secret. It's simply too large of an issue to omit information. Keeping it to myself would feel like a betrayal, dishonorable to us both. i dedicate time searching for a partner who is a capable human being. To deny her the right to face a life threatening illness at my side, or anywhere she chooses to place herself is "breaking the faith", and not something i will personally do.

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RE: To Tell Or Not? - 8/8/2005 7:07:31 AM   
littleone35


Posts: 2828
Joined: 2/17/2005
Status: offline 		I for sure would have told my late Master he told me when he was in NC visiting family an sufferrd a heart attack but he was getting better when he had another and that is the one that killed him. If he had known he would have told me (it was a shock) and if it was the othe way around i would have told him.

littleone

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